--- title: How to help middle-schoolers gain self-control description: Is your middle-schooler having trouble with self-control? Use these tips to help your tween learn to stop and think and improve self-control. slug: helping-your-middle-school-child-gain-self-control author: The Understood Team reviewer: Jenn Osen-Foss, MAT published: '2019-08-05T15:56:55.221Z' thumbnail: https://cdn-images.understood.org/p0qf7j048i0q/5HdNLhuL1OfMnzGpjpjfjN/9893b13737c374bd3dc128ed98450c6b/G1131172235.jpg source_url: https://www.understood.org/en/articles/helping-your-middle-school-child-gain-self-control lang: en --- # How to help middle-schoolers gain self-control Many middle-schoolers act without thinking at times. It just comes with the territory at that age. But if your child seems to have more trouble with self-control than most — whether it’s at school, at home, or with friends — it could be more than just a passing phase. Thankfully, there are things you can do to help. Kids can learn techniques and strategies to better manage their behavior and emotions. Here are tips for helping your middle-schooler gain [self-control](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/self-control-what-it-means-for-kids). ## Set the scene. Some tweens and teens react badly because they don’t know what to expect in certain situations. Or, just as important, they might not be sure what’s expected of them. Tell your child ahead of time if something is going to be boring or unpleasant. You can say things like: “This Saturday I want you to help clean out the garage. This should take until about noon. But after that you can go hang out with friends.” ## Name their feelings. Having the words to explain their emotions helps kids feel more in control. It can also help them recognize feelings before they act on them. Gently point out your child’s behavior, and the emotion behind it: - “I’ve heard a lot of doors slamming today. Can I ask why?” (Focusing on what you see or hear, rather than what your child did or said — for example, “Why are you slamming doors?” — can make the situation feel less like a blame game.) - “I’m seeing lots of sad expressions today. I’m wondering if it has anything to do with the test scores. Do you want to talk about it?” ## Model self-control. This can take real commitment on your part. But when kids see the adults in their lives showing self-control, they’re more likely to do the same. For example, if you get a parking ticket, count to 10 until the impulse to lose your temper passes. Can’t find your wallet and now you’re late taking the kids to school and going to work? Take a breath and ask out loud where was the last place you had it. By doing this, you’re not only modeling self-control. You’re problem-solving, too. ## Suggest cool-downs. Encourage your child to take a break in stressful situations. For example, if your child is getting angry about tricky homework or chores and starts yelling at you, try not to yell back. Instead, suggest that you both step away until things have cooled down. (An angry child hears no one. You’ll also be modeling how to show patience.) Walking around the block or having a snack may be enough for things to calm down. [Breaking complicated tasks into smaller pieces](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/6-simple-steps-for-breaking-down-assignments) also can help. For a writing assignment, suggest that your child brainstorm and jot down ideas. Then take a break before starting the drafting process. ## Praise the effort. When you see your child showing self-control, say it out loud. A simple statement can motivate a kid to continue the good behavior.  For example, if your child works on homework instead of doing something more fun (like hanging out with friends), you can say “I know you wanted to get together with your friends. You should be really proud that you caught up on your homework and figured out a way to see them tomorrow.” Telling your middle-schooler you appreciate the effort not only gives a confidence boost. It’s also a way of showing respect — something tweens often crave from their parents. There are other ways to help, too. Explore way to [build self-esteem](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/how-to-build-self-esteem). The better middle-schoolers feel, the more likely they’ll keep working on gaining self-control. --- ## Explore related topics and articles - [How to help high-schoolers gain self-control](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/helping-your-high-school-child-gain-self-control) - - Many high school students have trouble knowing how to think before they act, but some struggle more than others. - You can help your teen gain self-control by laying out clear expectations and talking about moods and feelings. - Other ideas: Model good self-control yourself and praise your chil - [How to help grade-schoolers gain self-control](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/grade-school-build-self-control) - When grade-schoolers struggle with self-control, they may need extra help learning to control emotions and impulses. Some kids react badly when they dont know what to expect in a situation or whats expected of them. Fill kids in ahead of time if an activity might be boring or unpleasant, or if it co - [How to help your middle- or high-schooler manage overexcitement](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/how-to-help-your-middle-or-high-schooler-manage-overexcitement) - - If your child is a tween or teen, you wont always be there to help them when they get overexcited. - Its important for teens and tweens to start learning to monitor and manage overexcitement on their own. - You can help your tween or teen by troubleshooting situations that may make them overexc --- ```json [{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"WebPage","@id":"https://www.understood.org/en/articles/helping-your-middle-school-child-gain-self-control#webpage","url":"https://www.understood.org/en/articles/helping-your-middle-school-child-gain-self-control","description":"Is your middle-schooler having trouble with self-control? Use these tips to help your tween learn to stop and think and improve self-control."},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"BreadcrumbList","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"item":{"@id":"https://www.understood.org/en/articles/helping-your-middle-school-child-gain-self-control","name":"How to help middle-schoolers gain self-control"}}]},{"@context":"https://schema.org","@type":"Article","datePublished":"2019-08-05T15:56:55.221Z","description":"Is your middle-schooler having trouble with self-control? Use these tips to help your tween learn to stop and think and improve self-control.","headline":"How to help middle-schoolers gain self-control","url":"https://www.understood.org/en/articles/helping-your-middle-school-child-gain-self-control","publisher":{"@type":"Organization","@id":"https://www.understood.org/#organization","name":"Understood for All Inc","logo":"https://cdn-images.understood.org/p0qf7j048i0q/307jFAYQevghG8nQMCjh89/ccdbbec895765824db43f6d30b496e83/logo_lockup_navy.jpg"}}] ```