--- title: Solitary isn’t the same thing as lonely description: Parent Beth Golden says she wishes she’d known that solitude for her son wasn’t a sad state. It was the one time he felt at ease. slug: solitary-isnt-the-same-thing-as-lonely author: Beth Golden published: '2019-10-16T12:17:07.115Z' thumbnail: https://cdn-images.understood.org/p0qf7j048i0q/577ECBAB260C4910982148AD18833D07/6cbc6185e560a003b4f2a3c93c19a8fa/516682077.jpg source_url: https://www.understood.org/en/articles/solitary-isnt-the-same-thing-as-lonely lang: en --- # Solitary isn’t the same thing as lonely ## My story I’m the mom of two teenage sons and I live in New Jersey. My older son has a [nonverbal learning disability](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/understanding-nonverbal-learning-disabilities) that makes social interaction very difficult for him. ## What I was doing When I left the hospital with my newborn son Adam, I was already planning his social life. In my mind, [making friends](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/why-some-kids-have-trouble-making-friends) wasn’t just *important *for Adam’s development. It was part of what would make childhood fulfilling and, well, fun. It didn’t take long for me to see that Adam had other ideas. He cried his way through kiddie classes. He wandered off during [playdates](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/4-playdate-problems-and-solutions). Birthday parties were his worst nightmare. In fifth grade, Adam was diagnosed with a nonverbal learning disability. And though he eventually got too old for a “mom-manufactured” social life, I kept plugging. We enrolled him in [social skills classes](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/4-playdate-problems-and-solutions). In high school, I pestered Adam to ask girls to the prom. My efforts to “protect” Adam from loneliness got him out of the house. But I mostly managed to make my son feel embarrassed and ashamed that he wasn’t who I wanted him to be. ## What I wish I’d known sooner Eventually, Adam carved a life for himself in high school. He developed a small circle of friends and was dedicated to his debate club. Yet he still spent a lot of time on his own. Why, I obsessed, would he choose to sit at home when his friends were out having fun? The answer, it turned out, had long been right next to me in bed. My husband, David, doesn’t face the challenges Adam does. But David depends on me to manage our social life and often rolls his eyes when I announce we have a party to attend. Socializing, it took me too long to realize, may be *my* way to have fun and relax. But for my husband — and to a far greater extent my son — making small talk and meeting new people isn’t relaxing. It’s work. Sometimes agonizingly hard work. Being alone may indeed be lonely sometimes. But for Adam, it’s the one time he can be utterly at ease. As Adam went through the college application process this year, I marveled at how far he’d come. He sailed through interviews and overnighted on students’ floors. I don’t regret the social skills classes and pushing we did, because we have given him tools he needs to be part of society. But if I’d known then what I understand now, I would have given my child the right to be very different from me — and the luxury of enjoying his own company. --- *Any opinions, views, information, and other content contained in blogs on Understood.org are the sole responsibility of the writer of the blog, and do not necessarily reflect the views, values, opinions, or beliefs of, and are not endorsed by, Understood.* --- ## Explore related topics and articles - [Giving up “normal”](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/giving-up-normal) - My son has lived most of his life in the space between normal and not. His nonverbal learning disability certainly affects his social and practical skills. Youd know something was up if you were to spend time with him. But when we considered camps or classes for kids like Adam as he grew up, we kne - [The holiday habit I’d like to break: Comparing my son with nonverbal learning disability to his cousins](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/the-holiday-habit-id-like-to-break-comparing-my-son-with-nonverbal-learning-disability-to-cousins) - The house is aglow. I can see cousins, aunties, uncles, and grandparents hugging and greeting my husband and youngest son through big bay windows. The smell of the fire beckons me inside. Yet I cant move. My eldest, 5-year-old Darius, is in full protest mode. His sobs have soaked my silk top and his - [The social lives of our kids: When to worry, when to let go](https://www.understood.org/en/podcasts/in-it/child-social-life-parent-involvment) - Many families worry about their kids social lives. But when your child has a learning difference, you might worry even more. Hear one moms story. 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