--- title: The fourth “E” is empower description: Parent Amanda Morin says she wished she’d known sooner to empower her son to work through his anxiety, social skills, and executive functioning issues. slug: the-fourth-e-is-empower author: Amanda Morin published: '2019-10-16T12:17:04.882Z' thumbnail: https://cdn-images.understood.org/p0qf7j048i0q/B9E6602AF48C46DDB3196D7D8738ABDC/9d9745ba69e7606dc5149a850c853f9a/76721615.jpg source_url: https://www.understood.org/en/articles/the-fourth-e-is-empower lang: en --- # The fourth “E” is empower ## My story I’m a parent of two boys and a girl and I live in Maine. Since elementary school, my older son has struggled with anxiety, social skills, and [executive functioning issues](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/what-is-executive-function). ## What I was doing My son’s early years were very difficult. He would get upset, very quickly and very loudly. It made it hard for him to keep friends. Every day, I dreaded hearing my phone ring because I knew it would be the school—again. He got into trouble because people thought he was being a “wise guy” and disrespectful. My son felt misunderstood, lonely, and always in trouble. I found myself in a pattern I now call the three E’s: excusing, explaining, and educating. I talked about his issues as a way to excuse his behavior. Later, I realized it wasn’t an excuse, but I used it as an explanation for his difficulties. Now, I try to educate people about how we can all work together to help my son be successful. ## What I wish I’d known sooner To tell you the truth, I wish I’d known there’s a fourth E: empower. All that excusing, explaining, and educating was being done *about *my son, not *with *him. I’d sit in meetings and doctor’s appointments discussing symptoms, strategies and “what ifs.” *How can we learn to recognize his signs of frustration? What if we try a social skills group?* My son got used to me being his champion, but it became a crutch. He didn’t develop the problem-solving skills he needed to speak with teachers or friends, something both of us began to realize over time. He needed to be able to speak for himself. We started small by asking him what he thought. Instead of talking about him, we empowered him by asking things like “How can we help *you* to recognize the signs of frustration?” or “Do you think a social skills group might help?” After we started including him in conversations, things got gradually easier. He started recognizing situations that trigger anxiety. He learned how to manage his feelings and even practice conversations with friends. His new [self-awareness](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/5-ways-to-help-your-grade-schooler-gain-self-awareness) is allowing him to [explore his strengths](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/kids-activities-strengths), not just deal with the fallout from his weaknesses. He’s now 12 and going into seventh grade. I still need to explain and educate at times. But I also know how important it is to empower my child for the future. --- ## Explore related topics and articles - [Now I get what it’s like to have executive functioning challenges](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/now-i-get-what-its-like-to-have-executive-functioning-issues) - For nearly 20 years, learning and thinking differences have been the focus of my professional and personal life. As a teacher and an early intervention specialist, I felt fairly prepared to be a parent of children with learning and thinking differences. And for the most part, I have been prepared. I - [How to talk with your child about social and emotional issues](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/talking-to-your-child-about-social-and-emotional-issues) - - Talking openly about social and emotional issues is important. - Kids may be reluctant to talk, so keep the first conversation simple. - Letting kids know youre there to listen and not judge helps them feel more comfortable about talking. When kids have trouble with social and emotional skill - [How we got back our parenting power after years of mismanaging meltdowns](https://www.understood.org/en/articles/how-we-got-back-our-parenting-power) - When our son was very young, our family life was a daily struggle. He would have long, loud meltdowns, and we didnt know exactly what was going on. Sometimes the meltdowns seemed to be triggered by nothing, like when hed start screaming in the evenings when he got tired. 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