What to do when kids say “no one will play with me”
Expert reviewed by Mark J. Griffin, PhD
Quick tips to help kids with friendship
- Quick tip 1Pinch-hit as a playmate.
Pinch-hit as a playmate.If a child is lonely, offer to play. Choose something both of you enjoy, like doing a puzzle or going on a hike. Try to get others, like friends and family, to pinch-hit as playmates too.
- Quick tip 2Go to a busy playground.
Go to a busy playground.A child may not have anyone to play with simply because no one’s around. Head to a local playground. Throw a ball around or play a game together and see if others join.
- Quick tip 3Join a daily “lunch bunch.”
Join a daily “lunch bunch.”To jump-start friendships, most schools have a daily lunch group of kids, either in person or virtual, hosted by a teacher. This gives kids the chance to have guided interactions with others.
- Quick tip 4Try games that give everyone a turn.
Try games that give everyone a turn.At recess or at the playground, encourage playing games that naturally give every kid a turn. When playing four square, for example, kids simply line up. Eventually every child gets to the front and has a chance to play.
“No one will play with me.” When a child says this, you may not know what to do or say. The best place to start is to simply listen.
Play is as important to young kids as things like money and love are to adults. So when kids say “no one will play with me,” it probably feels like a really big deal to them. Try not to downplay it by saying something like “everything will be fine tomorrow.”
Use open-ended questions to learn more:
What made you feel like this today?
Who didn’t want to play with you?
Were there some kids you wanted to play with, but you didn’t get a chance?
Some kids may just have had a bad day and will feel better after a good night’s sleep. Others may feel like misfits or struggle in social situations. And in some cases, saying “no one will play with me” might be a sign of bullying or exclusion.
Once you understand what’s happening, you can come up with a plan.
Dive deeper
Keeping an eye on negative self-talk
It’s not unusual for young kids to say things like “no one wants to play with me.” Try not to jump to conclusions. If it’s isolated — like once a month — listening may be enough. The issue may be how kids interpret things.
For example, when kids get out to recess 10 minutes late, basketball teams are already picked, and they have to sit out. A child may say no one wanted to play, but it was really because of timing.
If you hear this kind of negative self-talk often, though, find out what to watch out for.
Signs of bullying and social problems
If a child is upset for several days, or repeats the same complaint over and over, look deeper.
Playing with others doesn’t come naturally to all kids. Some need to learn how to ask others to play or how to start conversations.
It’s possible a child is being bullied, too, or that other kids are saying mean things. Learn about signs of bullying in grade school.
Next steps
When kids say “no one will play with me,” try to avoid rushing in and “fixing” things. You don’t want to force an awkward playdate or encounter with another child.
Instead, work together to find solutions. Try watching TV to build social skills or working with kids on conversation skills.
Schools are also a great resource for starting friendships. They often have strategies to help kids socialize and connect. Learn ways teachers can help kids make friends.
