How to talk to your neurodivergent child about scary news

It’s harder than ever to keep kids from being exposed to frightening world events. Social media gives kids easy access to news about acts of violence, hate crimes, disasters, and war in real time. 

Coping with the stream of scary events is difficult for many kids. It can be even harder for kids who learn and think differently. Many kids can move past even the worst events fairly quickly, while some struggle longer. 

You may wonder about how distressing news affects your child’s emotional health, behavior, and learning. Fortunately, there are ways to help kids cope with frightening events. It starts with talking openly about what’s going on.

When a scary event happens, you might think that not discussing it will keep the news from affecting your child. But that’s usually not the best response, according to Understood Expert and clinical psychologist Kristin Carothers, PhD.

“We want to have a conversation, rather than leave them alone with their feelings,” she says. 

As soon as an event takes place, think about the best way to talk about it with your child. One factor to consider is age. Another is your child’s challenges, and how they affect how your child processes or responds to information. 

Before you start the discussion, consider how long your child takes to process information. How would you know? If your child gets accommodations in school for extended time on tests or schoolwork, they’ll probably need more time to process the information the two of you talk about.

At the end of your conversation, ask what your child understands about the event. That gives you both a chance to clear up any confusion or discuss other aspects of the event. Make sure your child knows they can decide to talk more about it later if they seem overwhelmed.

You may not be able to prevent news events from having any impact on your child. But there are ways to help keep the effects to a minimum:

• Answer questions. Be honest, but don’t share more information than your child can handle at their age and developmental level. 

• Help your child understand. Kids who learn and think differently often need more information or context to make sense of what they’re hearing and seeing.

• Acknowledge fears. Help your child talk about fears. Talk together about what would make things better. 

• Give your child a sense of control. Talk about what you’re already doing to stay safe and ways you can help others. 

• Stick to routines as much as possible. Schedules and routines give kids a sense of security and normalcy.

• Limit exposure. Do your best to turn off the news and stay off your phone around kids. And be sure to talk about other topics that are less stressful. 

Kids have different reactions to upsetting news. And they may react in their own time or in unique ways, like laughing, getting angry, or crying. The best way to help your child cope is to tailor your approach to your child’s challenges, strengths, and sensitivities. 

Also, think about strategies your child already uses, like drawing feelings or writing them down instead of talking about them. Consider ways your child calms down, like going to a quiet place or doing a physical activity. Those same strategies can help your child get through frightening events.

Trouble with certain skills can make taking in and coping with scary news harder for kids who learn and think differently. Neurodivergent kids may have trouble with:

• Paying attention

• Remembering information

• Letting go of negative thoughts

• Managing emotions

• Processing information quickly

• Processing what people are saying

• Understanding other people’s viewpoints or experiences 

• Seeing different solutions to problems

• Coping with fear and anxiety

Here are some common challenges — and tips for helping your child with these specific struggles. 

Many kids with executive function challenges have trouble managing emotions, especially kids with ADHD. Their feelings are intense, and they have a hard time moving on. 

Kids with differences like dyslexia and ADHD may be prone to anxiety. News of violence, especially in schools, can increase any fears that something bad could happen to them, their friends, their families, and their teachers.

Some kids get stuck on the news and talk about it endlessly for a long time. Getting stuck on a topic, or perseveration, happens for different reasons.

Challenges like trouble processing information or shifting attention can cause kids to cling to a topic. Going over and over what happened can also be a way for kids to cope with their feelings.

Quick tip: Show empathy and acknowledge your child’s feelings. If your child is stuck on the topic, wait for a quiet moment and then point out the behavior. Your child may not yet be able to put the brakes on when they’re talking. But they may begin to recognize what they’re doing.

Not fully understanding events can be very stressful. Kids with slow processing speed may not be able to quickly take in and make sense of the events, especially if they’re very upset. They may also not be able to keep up with conversations or express their own thoughts in a timely way.

Kids who struggle with language skills may have a hard time understanding the news or what people are saying about it. They may also struggle to ask questions or share their feelings and concerns.

Quick tip: Ask if your child needs you to explain more. Let them know it’s OK to come back to you with questions later.

Exposure to tragic news events can be very distracting for all kids. It’s especially hard when focus is already a challenge. Kids may get sidetracked by their own thoughts, especially kids with ADHD.

Being distracted can create problems at home and at school. Kids might not follow directions. Or they may zone out when other people are talking. They may have difficulty holding on to information and remembering what they’re supposed to do.

Quick tip: Point out when your child is having a hard time paying attention. Be curious, but don’t criticize. Ask your child what might help with focus.

It’s not unusual for kids to feel anxious, sad, or fearful after a scary event takes place. Most recover quickly. But sometimes, the effects on mental health last longer or show up months later. Some kids may develop anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues.

Kids don’t always like to share their thoughts and feelings. So, you may need to observe your child for signs of longer-term problems with coping. Signs include: 

• Trouble falling asleep

• Nightmares or not sleeping well

• Poor appetite

• Worsening attention

• Behavior changes

• Perseveration (still talking endlessly about the event)

• Needing constant reassurance

If you see signs that your child is struggling, share your concerns with your child’s health care provider and teacher. Talk about possible treatment or support that might help, like talk therapy, support groups, or talking with the school counselor.

There’s little you can do to keep your child from being exposed to scary world events. Kids have more access than ever to information. If your child learns and thinks differently, these events can be especially hard to process, understand, and respond to. Managing emotions may also be a problem. 

The key to helping your child cope is to discuss the event and give your child ways to express their feelings. Tailor your approach to your child’s challenges and developmental level. You can use your child’s supports at school as a guide to know what strategies to use.

Most kids quickly recover from scary events in the news. But for some, these events can have an effect on mental health, even months later. Look for signs your child is struggling, like sleep problems, lack of appetite, behavior changes, and needing constant reassurance.

Be sure to talk about any concerns with your child’s teacher and health care provider.

Thumbnail image credit: Sanja Radin via Getty Images.