Trouble with self-regulation: What to know
By Amanda Morin
Expert reviewed by Ellen Braaten, PhD
Quick tips to help with self-regulation
- Quick tip 1Watch out for triggers.
Watch out for triggers.Think through which situations create stress or cause outbursts. Is it loud places, bright lights, or other sensory information? Is it when plans or routines change? Knowing the triggers helps you avoid or prepare for tricky situations.
- Quick tip 2Use a frustration signal.
Use a frustration signal.Come up with a signal that means “I need a break to calm down.” Kids can use it to alert parents, teachers, and others around them. If you struggle with self-regulation, explain the signal to others so they know what it means when you use it.
- Quick tip 3Speak up.
Speak up.Even when you know you’re getting overwhelmed, it can still be hard to restrain the impulse to get loudly upset. This is especially true for kids. Encourage them to tell you what they’re feeling so you can talk through ways to cope.
- Quick tip 4Take small steps.
Take small steps.Learning to self-regulate takes time. Work on setting and meeting small self-regulation goals. Build up to being more in control of emotions and reactions.
Self-regulation is a skill that allows people to manage their emotions, behavior, and body movement when they’re faced with a tough situation. It also allows them to do that while staying focused and paying attention.
Lots of kids and adults struggle with self-regulation. They act impulsively in an emotional situation. And after the fact, they can say what they should have done instead.
It’s easy to confuse self-regulation with self-control. They’re related, but they’re not the same. Self-control is mainly a social skill.
Self-regulation, on the other hand, is like a thermostat. A thermostat kicks on or off to keep a room at a certain temperature, or a “set point.” It tracks temperature changes, compares them to the set point, and “knows” whether to heat or cool the room.
We all have a self-regulation set point. To maintain that level of control, we need to:
Keep track of changes in our environment
Assess how we’re feeling and reacting
Compare it to our set point
Adjust to get back to that point
Self-regulation is a skill that develops over time. People who struggle with it have trouble figuring out what will help them calm down when they get upset. They have a hard time being flexible when things change and might react with frustrated outbursts. It all has to do with how people process information that comes in from their senses.
Dive deeper
Self-regulation and sensory processing
People with sensory processing issues have trouble handling information that comes in through one or more of their senses. That includes the five traditional senses: sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch. It also includes three lesser-known senses: interoception, proprioception, and the vestibular sense.
The source of the problem is the body’s nervous system. It has trouble regulating itself when something around us overstimulates one or more of our senses. This is called sensory overload.
For kids with sensory issues, a sensory diet may be helpful in teaching them to self-regulate. And there are lots of other strategies kids and adults can try in everyday life.
When ADHD is the cause
Many people with ADHD have a hard time managing emotions and say things that aren’t appropriate to a situation. ADHD can also cause trouble with flexible thinking. That means it’s hard to shift gears from one situation to another and to find new ways to approach it.
The end result is a lack of self-regulation. People overreact in the moment because they’re not able to stop, reflect on the situation, and find solutions. They might also have trouble handling tough emotions and dwell on negative feelings or experiences.
Learn more about ADHD and trouble managing emotions.
Next steps
No matter what’s behind trouble with self-regulation, there are ways you can help. The first step is recognizing when the information coming in is a problem. That could be information coming in through the senses or through internal thoughts.
If you’re struggling with self-regulation, learn some mindfulness techniques to reduce stress.
Parents and caregivers: Explore ways to help kids self-regulate.
Educators: Read about how behavior is communication.
