How to help grade-schoolers gain self-control
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Expert reviewed by Mark J. Griffin, PhD
Quick tips to help kids gain self-control
- Quick tip 1Give a heads-up.Give a heads-up.
Let kids know what to expect in a situation — and what’s expected of them. For example: “My friend and her son are coming to visit. You might need to let him play your video games, so put away any that are special.”
- Quick tip 2Help identify feelings.Help identify feelings.
When kids can recognize feelings before they get out of control, it can help prevent outbursts. Say things like “You were really mad when I said you couldn’t play the game right now.”
- Quick tip 3Make a “break” space.Make a “break” space.
Create a special, quiet place where kids can go when they get upset. You can even agree on a signal kids can use when they need a moment to calm down.
- Quick tip 4Teach phrases that build self-control.Teach phrases that build self-control.
Give kids language to use that shows self-control. Teach phrases like “I’ll wait my turn,” “I can share it with you,” and “I’d like it now, but I’ll wait until later.” Sometimes just saying the words can help put the brakes on impulsive behavior.
- Quick tip 5Talk in a calm voice.Talk in a calm voice.
Avoid showing emotion or matching kids’ tone of voice. Try to keep your voice steady and calm, even if they’re yelling.
When grade-schoolers struggle with self-control, they may need extra help learning to control emotions and impulses.
Some kids react badly when they don’t know what to expect in a situation — or what’s expected of them. Fill kids in ahead of time if an activity might be boring or unpleasant, or if it could take a long time.
It’s important to praise kids’ efforts, too. When you see kids practicing self-control, acknowledge it out loud: ”I love how you waited your turn to talk.” This kind of positive reinforcement helps them feel proud that they can control their behavior.
There are also lots of free and low-costs apps to help young kids build self-control skills, like waiting and managing emotions.
Keep in mind that self-control doesn’t come naturally to all grade-schoolers. But by helping them learn to keep their behavior in check, you make it easier for them to make and keep friends and handle feelings. And that can improve self-esteem in the long run.
Dive deeper
Why it happens
When very young kids don’t get what they want, they can really lose it. They don’t yet have the self-control to manage their frustration. But as they reach grade school, most kids start developing the ability to check their impulses, think before acting, and wait for what they want.
Some kids, though, continue to struggle with self-control. There are different reasons this happens. A common one is trouble with — a group of skills that includes self-control.
Read about learning and thinking differences that can cause trouble with self-control.
Next steps
Trouble with self-control can create challenges at home, at school, and in kids’ social lives. It’s important for families and teachers to share information about what’s going on and talk about ways to help.
Reach out as early as possible when you see behavior challenges. There may be strategies and supports teachers can use in the classroom to help with self-control.
Find out what to do when a child’s behavior seems “out of control.”