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Sorry, I Missed This: Managing expectations in relationships with ADHD

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It can be a struggle to balance chores in a relationship. When one or more people in the relationship have ADHD, there’s even more room for miscommunication. It’s important to be on the same page about expectations, or you may end up with resentment, and more fights than you’d like to. 

KC Davis wrote the book How to Keep House While Drowning, and hosts the podcast Struggle Care. KC joins host Cate Osborn in this episode of Sorry, I Missed This to talk about care tasks, sharing the load, and getting on the same page. 

Episode transcript

Cate: Hey everybody, and welcome to "Sorry,  I Missed This." It's me, your host, Cate Osborn, but you might know me as Catieosaurus. Today on the podcast we are talking about all things care tasks, sharing the load, division of labor, and how we can support each other when we are living and working together in the same spaces. 

I'm joined today by my guest, KC Davis. But before we start, I want to talk about why I wanted to do this episode. And the truth is, is because it's always been really hard for me to ask for help to look at, you know, a partner or a roommate and say, "Hey, it'd be really useful for you to sit and body double with me while I clean up around the house." Or, "Hey, it would really support me if you could do your laundry in this very specific way." 

And for a really long time, I kind of wondered why. Like, why do I struggle with this so much? And what it ultimately sort of came down to after a lot of work and a lot of therapy and a lot of sort of unpacking all of that was that I had become such a people pleaser and such a person who was so afraid of being an inconvenience that I was actively inconveniencing myself by not asking for help, and which is honestly one of the reasons why I really wanted to have KC Davis on. 

KC Davis came into my life at a time when I was really struggling, and I was really trying to figure out, like, what do I want? What do I need? And as I watched my business get more successful as I watch, you know, the Catieosaurus brand get more successful, I also watch my personal life getting worse and worse and worse, and my house getting worse and worse and worse. 

And it made me feel like that little kid again, right? It made me feel like that little kid in school who, you know, got told over and over and over, you know, like, "Wow, you're so good at school, but, like, why can't you just apply yourself? Why can't you keep your room clean?" And so, it really brought back a lot of those feelings. 

And so when I discovered KC Davis and her book, "How to Keep House While Drowning," and all of her amazing content that she has over on "Struggle Care," I was like, "I really want to talk to this person."

And so, I wanted to share that conversation with you, because the more that I learned how to work with my ADHD, the more that I learned that my needs are important and the ways in which I can show up for myself and my partner can show up for me, and I can show up for my partner. That was when I kind of realized, like, "OK, I can do this, but it might look a lot different than how I was raised." 

I don't do my laundry in the same way that my mom taught me. You know, I don't clean my house in the same way that my mom taught me. And I still think doing the dishes is a nearly impossible task. But as I got to know myself, as I got to know my struggles and what I needed and what I wanted, they got easier because I was able to ask for help. 

And so, I hope that at the end of this episode, you have a few tips and tricks and tools that you, dear watcher/listener, can take away and put into your own life to really hone in on your support needs without shame, without guilt, without embarrassment, and with just embracing the whole of who you are. So, with that being said, let's get into the episode. 

Hello and welcome to the show, KC. 

KC: Hello. Thank you so much for having me. 

Cate:Today on the show, we are talking specifically about sharing the load. We're talking about how do we equitably divide labor in the house, how do we keep resentment out of our relationships. But before we sort of jump into the topic as a whole, I want to take a minute to talk about what you call care tasks and why understanding what a care task is is so sort of important to this conversation. KC Davis, what is a care task? 

KC: Yeah, OK. So, care tasks are basically any task that you have to engage in order to live when it comes to like domestic care, right? So eating, bathing, doing your laundry, doing your dishes, cleaning, tidying, taking your meds, taking a shower, brushing your teeth, all of those things are care tasks. And to the degree to which you have to do caretaking tasks for other people, those are also care tasks.

Cate: So, this idea of care tasks for the, are the tasks that are happening around us all the time. They don't stop. Like I remember specifically, you've talked a lot about like laundry, how laundry is like never actually done. There's always like some dirty clothes, some clean clothes, some clothes that need to be folded, like that kind of thing. So, but why do you think, especially for neurodivergent ADHD brains, that care tasks can be so complex and so difficult to sort of navigate through? 

KC: It's funny, because I just did a presentation for a company that they had like a day of wellness or whatever, and the name of my talk was, "Why am I so good at my job and so bad at doing the dishes?" And part of it was me talking about how there are something about care tasks that can be sort of like a unique Kryptonite, especially if you're neurodivergent. 

One of them is just understanding that depending on what flavor of neurodivergent you are, specifically if you're ADHD, if you're autistic, like the way that our brain experiences pleasure, processes pleasure is different. Like the pleasure centers of our brain are behaving differently. 

And so, part of what that looks like is that we are really motivated when things are urgent. We're really motivated when there's like other people involved and there's like a social pressure aspect. We're really motivated when something is exciting and new and care tasks are the opposite of all of those things.

Cate: Something that I think is also really fascinating about this conversation surrounding care tasks is that it's really easy to look at somebody, I think and say, "Well, why can't you just feed yourself? Why can't you just take a shower?" But if you start looking at care tasks in conversation with executive function, there are a lot more steps to just taking a shower than taking a shower. Can you give us an example of how, like what that might look like with just, I don't know, pick a task, any task. 

KC: Yeah. So, people will think about laundry and they'll be like, "Just do your laundry." But the reality is, is that there are like a bazillion steps. I mean, first of all, you have to have like a running background app that's always thinking about and monitoring how many clothes are left before I don't have any more clothes. 

And when should that trigger a conscious thought to say, "Now it's time to do laundry." And when will you do laundry? And can you start it now? Will you be around an hour when it goes off? And will you remember it? And if you won't, will you come back in two days and it's mildewed and you have to do it again. Do you need to sort things like from dark? Do you have any laundry detergent? Did you remember to put it on the list? 

If you did, do you need to go to the grocery store? Did you get an Instacart order? Was it high enough to get the free shipping because you forgot the laundry detergent? Is the laundry detergent eco-friendly and are we stressed out about that? And you know, once we get it into the washer, we need to get it into the dryer.

And will we be around to get it out of the dryer before it sits in there and wrinkles? And if it does wrinkle, or what if it all wads together inside of the pocket of your fitted sheet? And now it's kind of cold and wet in some parts of it. And so, we got to start it again. So, now we have another hour we need to think about coming back to it. 

That's just laundry. Like we haven't even talked about fitting that into the rest of your day. And it can be a struggle for some of us to automate all of those steps. Like every time we go do laundry, it feels like we have to consciously think about the next step and consciously huddle within ourselves about, like making a plan for how we're not going to screw the next step up. And then it's done, and we get a few days of reprieve before, "Oh God, we need to do this again." 

Cate: You know, the simple task of just doing the laundry. I feel like I have a really important question to ask you, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but what's the most number of times you have rewashed a load of laundry because you forgot that it was in your washing machine? 

KC: Oh, many times! 

Cate: I think seven. 

In a household where you're looking at all of these different tasks, all of these care tasks, the food, the laundry, the cleaning, the yard, the dog, whatever, how do we develop equity, or at least the feeling of being supported when it comes to sort of navigating those household tasks? 

KC: So, my approach is always to first talk about like how we think about these conversations. So, we have this big list of like things that have to get done in our home. And the challenge is, how do we divide this list up in a way that's fair. And the way most people have this conversation is they go, "OK, well, who works more or who works harder? And in theory, there's nothing wrong with that, right? 

We do take into consideration when we're having these conversations. OK, if you both have the exact same job, it's not as hard. But like, my husband's a corporate attorney who works six days a week, and I write books and make TikToks sometimes and otherwise have a very free and flexible schedule. So, obviously that's going to come into play. 

But when we go into the conversation with who works harder, we are already in a defensive position of feeling as though we have to defend how valuable our contribution to the house or relationship is, and suggesting that you know your partner take X, Y or Z is now a condemnation of their value or contribution not being as much or as hard as yours. And so, my suggestion is, first, that's not the way we're going to come at it, OK? We're not going to think about who works harder and how do we make the labor equal. We're going to think about how do we make the rest fair. 

Cate: OK. 

KC: What we find is that the work that you do when you're clocking in and out of a job is so different than the kind of labor that goes into care tasks that it's not as simple as saying, "Oh, the work is equal because I work this many hours and you work this many hours," or "It's equal because I do all of the paycheck things and you do all the care task things," because, yes, while they might be working, quote-unquote, as hard or quote-unquote, as long they have a structure in their life where they're either on or they're off. 

Whereas someone who is engaging in care tasks is living in the place where their labor is and engaging in tasks that are 24/7, that never end, that never stop, and having to learn how to recreate when those tasks are undone and how to rest when those tasks are undone, and how to live in a world that just screams "These are all the task that need to be done."

It's never fair that one person gets these big swaths of time where they don't have to be doing anything and can do as they please, whereas the other person is constantly in motion, constantly doing something. And then you have to also take into account this idea that if one person has task A and the other person, the way they behave in their home is making that task three times as much work. And so, you might feel like you have ten chores on your list, and I have ten chores on my list. 

OK, well, if all of the chores on one person's list are like "I mow the lawn, I get the oil changed, I refill prescriptions, I handle doctor's appointments," and then the other list is "I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I do the tidying," it's like those daily grind care tasks that are like, you have to do them when they need to be done. You can't arrange them around your schedule versus the ones that like are every once in a while, the ones you can put off, the ones you can procrastinate. 

So, we have to think about arranging this list in a way that both people have comparable time to rest, to recreate, to do what they want, to not feel like they have to jump up off the couch every three seconds. 

Cate: I suppose the question then is how do we do that? How do we establish that sense of fairness and equity? What's the first step? 

KC: It's harder to talk about this on a generalization level because for every partnership where one person feels like the other one isn't doing enough, there's lots of reasons for that. There's the reason of weaponized incompetence. 

Cate: Can you define that for us really quick? 

KC: So, weaponized competence is where one person is continuously bad at completing care tasks, and they refuse to get any better at it because it serves them. Because as long as they are shitty and the way that they show up to do this task, as long as they create more work than they fix, the other person will just go, "Ugh, it's just easier for me to do it." So, that's weaponized incompetence. "But you're you're so much better at it than me. I'm just not good at multitasking. I tried, I, you know," whatever.

But at the same time, sometimes you have somebody and one of them's mad at the other one for not doing too much. And what's really happening is that that person has a lot of anxiety and they have huge high standards for everything, kind of looking neat and perfect all the time. And this other person is like, "God, I just want to rest sometimes. I don't want a mom. I don't want to feel like I have to jump up and clean just because you're cleaning." 

Cate: There's always also a feeling of maybe there is already resentment there. There's already a little bit of like frustration, there's a little bit of anger. So, like, how do we as partners work to let go of that resentment and build better skills and better ways of sort of facilitating that equity within the home? 

KC: That's a great question, especially when it comes to talking about disability, because if I get up and something isn't done that my partner has said they would do, where does my mind go? Right? Does it go immediately to a place of, "Ugh, see? Every time." Or does it go to a place of like benefit of the doubt, of like, "Oh, they must have been worried," or "Oh, I bet they'll do that later."

And there is no right answer to this because it's not always good to give benefit of the doubt over and over and over and over and over, when your friends are like, "Oh, sounds like your partner is just an asshole" or whatever, right? But just becoming aware of that because a lot of our distress and our conflict has more to do with the story that we're telling ourself about the other person versus the actual functional outcome of whatever task. 

And when you start to have conversations with each other, I think it's really beneficial to have like an actual physical list of all the things that need to happen and talk about what are minimum standards of care, which is a term that I get from E. Brodsky. 

Because as someone with ADHD, I'm always really sensitive to the idea that a lot of people's conversations about like division of labor between either roommates or friends or partners always approaches it as if the person with a higher standard is in the right, and that the person with the lower standard of care should always be the one to come up and match the other. 

Cate: What is a standard of care? 

KC: I think it's talking about having like a real conversation about the function of something. So, if we're talking about laundry, both of you sharing, what is the functionality of laundry and what are the parts of that that affect your life, right? So, I can say to you like, "OK, can we both agree that the function is to have clean clothes" and then we can begin to talk about other areas of functionality. 

Maybe I say "I am not a morning person, I don't wake up super early. And so, when I get up I want to like go get my clothes, get dressed, and leave. I don't want to be like sorting through a big bin. I want them organized and put where they are," and you go "See, I hate to put things up where they are. I'm fine living out of a big bin," right? 

We can talk about, "Hey, if you wash things with a red dress and it turns the laundry red, that's not a minimum standard of care. You need to pay at least enough attention to know how to not turn the laundry red.", So those kind of conversations, right? And then you can talk about what things do you prefer, what things do you like, what you want or need. 

And sometimes you can find like beyond that minimum standard of care, our preferences and sometimes understanding each other's preferences makes it easier to figure out, like who should do what part of that task or who should take on that task. 

One of the reasons why this conversation is sometimes harder as a generalization, because I think the number one spot really is understanding that this conversation about care tasks is not different and separate than like a global conversation about your relationship in general. If there's a lack of trust, if there's a feeling of being taken advantage of in any other part of your relationship, it's going to show up in care tasks. 

And so, if you find yourself just fighting tooth and nail and you cannot figure out the care task balance. Sometimes that is a little bit of a flag for us to go "There's some like deeper issues in my relationship." Do the care task balance works best when we can give each other the benefit of the doubt, and when we believe that our partner is for us and not against us? 

Like, if I have a basic belief that my partner is for me and they're looking out for my time and they want to see me rest and they want to see me happy, versus I believe my partner's looking out for themselves. They will take more than they are owed if I let them. And I have to hold the line, like that's a totally different dynamic. 

And if that dynamic has slid into that, "We're against each other," sometimes the answer to the laundry question is going to be like a different global "Let's talk about this part of our relationship." And while we're trying to get back to a place where we're for each other, the answer is over communication. 

So, I used to tell my husband when he was supposed to take out the trash in the morning, like any time I came down and the trash was not taken out, my brain immediately went to that like, "He doesn't care about how this affects me." 

Cate: Yeah. 

KC: That was not altogether unfair because like, there were some times when he was just being inconsiderate. But then I would call him and I would yell at him and he would be like, I got an emergency call at 6 a.m. and I ran out. So, we finally realized that all we really need from each other is to overcommunicate. And I told him like, "Hey, if you're ever like you're running late, or even if you just forget, if you will just communicate it to me. 

Cate: Yeah. 

KC: "Hey, I was in a rush this morning, and I didn't get it taken out. I'll do it as soon as I get home." And he started doing that, and what I found every time he did that, my response to that, my feeling was, "No big deal. I'll do it."

Cate: Yeah. 

KC: Because it wasn't actually about who was doing it or who's overburdened. It was that feeling of not being valued. 

Cate: No, that's so incredibly useful. I kind of really quickly want to explore the idea of ADHD immediacy. Because I know, like for me, I'll just be going through my day, I'll be doing myself, I'm getting my work done, you know, whatever, and then all of a sudden I look over and oh my gosh, the trash needs to be taken out. So I say, "Hey, can you take out the trash?" Because in that moment I'm thinking about it. 

But then if the trash isn't taken out two hours later, I'm like, "No, no, no, the trash needs to be taken out right now because I thought about it right now." So, how do we navigate that kind of like immediacy versus that over communication in order to make sure that we're, you know, not harboring those resentments of, "I can't believe you didn't take the garbage out when I asked"? 

KC: Here's what I would run into with this is that I'd be doing something. And I would say, like, "I notice the, hey , will you take the trash out for me?" And he would be like, "Yeah, I'll get to that in a second. I'm looking at something" or "I'm doing something," or whatever. And then by the time I had like finished the three things I was doing, I would just do the trash and, and be irritated about it. 

Cate: I do that too. 

KC: Right? But here's what I realized. Sometimes the reason I'm asking him to do something isn't because that thing is too much for me. It is because it is a timing issue. I'm in the middle of dinner. I need to throw something away. But I also need to give this child medication. And because I want to be done in 15 minutes, I want to be able to stir the pot, give the meds, and then be able to turn around and throw things away so that I can A, B, C. 

And so, I'm needing help with a time issue. But what he thinks I need help with is a quantity issue. 

Cate: OK. 

KC: So, it doesn't really matter when he takes the trash out because he said he would, and it all happened sometime in the next six hours. He is like "I'll take it off your plate. What's the big deal?" And I'm going "Because if you don't do it now, or if you don't do it quickly, like I could have eight things done and then that and then it doesn't feel fair or equal." And so, I have to communicate what kind of help I'm asking for. 

I mean, nobody should have to always quote-unquote ask for help. So, I say that, right? But if we're just kind of going about our day, there's a big difference between "I'm noticing that the lawn needs to be done. Hey, somebody put that on your to-do list," versus I'm trying to get out the door. And in my head there's like this long list of things that need to happen. And if you could do steps eight, four, and three, that's going to collapse my list down to a much quicker thing, and I can get to my resting quicker, right? Like that kind of thing. 

Cate: Yeah. 

KC: And so, I had to be more clear about whether I was asking for like, help taking something off my plate or help giving me back time, if that makes sense. 

Cate: No, it absolutely does. I love the idea of thinking about some of it, not as who is asking who for what. Whom? I'm not sure. But the idea of, like, it's just a logistics thing. If you don't take the trash out. Now, I'm sorry that I just noticed that the trash needs to be taken out, but if you don't take it out now, then I'm not going to be able to cook dinner. I'm not going to be able to get kids the medication or like whatever. 

So, I love that kind of like communication of logistics on top of the ask. I think that's so brilliant. 

So, the next thing that I want to do is just kind of ask, how, where do we start with all of this? Do you have like your, you know, I don't know, top five favorite questions to get the ball rolling? Like, discuss. 

KC: Questions to consider are what are the things that need to get done in the house? Which of those things are like daily in and out, sort of like demanding have-to-be-done grinds? And which of those are like occasional, can be done on your schedule? I think that you need to also make sure that you list the invisible labor and the mental load, because especially if there's like children involved or if there are pets involved.

Like we have a puppy and sometimes we forget to talk about the invisible labor of like, who's thinking about when the dog needs to eat or who's thinking about, oh, I'm thinking about like, diapers is like a big one for people. Like, I'm never going to not change a diaper because it's not my turn, right? 

Cate: Yeah. 

KC: But who is it thinking about "OK, it's been about 45 minutes. I should go check the diaper." I think it's important to make it really explicit about what all the things are. And I wouldn't suggest coming from, like, "Here's everything I'm doing ," because I won't be helpful at all. I also think having like that explicit conversation about disability, it's not the case that, like, our contribution to our family members is our worth. 

And the reality is, is like there are some tasks that I am very much always going to struggle to do, and there are tasks that my husband are always going to struggle to do. And having that open communication about "This is what's hard for me," and the other one having to decide, "OK, so like this is the level that I can expect this person can perform A, B, C task. Does that meet our minimum standard of care?" Yes. 

If it does or doesn't meet my preferences, how much do I care about those preferences? Do I care enough to take it on? Do I care enough to let go of some of it? Because if you're participating in your home at the level that you're capable of, and what I call capable level is a level that still allows you the time and energy to have a joyful life. So, if you can get all your care tasks done, but at the end of the day, you're in so much pain that you can't move. That's not what you're capable of. 

And sometimes when it comes to like being overburdened with housework, we are our own worst enemy because we're the ones that think, "I don't want them to think that about me. So I'm going to push past my limits." And at the end of the day, if you're doing what you're capable of, your partner is the one who is responsible for how they feel about it. You don't have to wear that. 

I mean, like, and in your adults, you can make the decision about whether or not that's going to work for you. But sometimes the overburdened feel comes from a partner who's telling you you don't do enough. Sometimes it's our own internalized ableism.

Cate: I'm so guilty of that. Oh my goodness. OK, so the thing that I like to do with everybody on this podcast is, what would your takeaway about this conversation and how to get this started be? Just like three key pieces of information to give people that they could take with them. 

KC: So, I think the first would be that you don't exist to serve your house. Your house exists to serve you. So, let's work with the standards that matter to us, not the ones that we think we're supposed to be performing at. And then I think the second one is that instead of thinking about the work being equal, let's think about making the rest fair. And the big shift that happens there. That, and I kind of alluded to it earlier, is that we go from having to defend our value to advocating for our partner. 

My job is to make sure that my partner has fair rest, and their job is to make sure that I have fair rest. And so now we've gone from an adversarial point to really looking out for each other. And if I see that you worked X amount of hours and A, B, C needs to be done, and I'm thinking to myself, "I'm gonna go ahead and do A, B, C real quick so that when they get home we can spend time together" as opposed to like, "Well, that's not on my list." 

Cate: The last thing we're going to do is Cate's comment corner, name TBD. One of these days we're going to figure out the actual name of this, but it will be great. And I feel like, honestly, I got this particular listener-submitted email because I feel like I related so much to this and like early in my relationship. And it's also a question that I get frequently, but I also feel like maybe the answer is just listen to this podcast. But I'm going to read you the email, KC. And then I would love just to get like your insight. And if you have any advice for our dear listener who wrote into us. 

And I am going to read it off of my phone. Here we go. 

"Dear Cate and KC, my neurodivergent husband works a job that takes up most of his physical and emotional energy, along with a long, an hour both ways, commute every day. By the time he gets home, he is exhausted and overstimulated and doesn't want to do much more than sit on the couch and relax, which I completely understand. The issue is that I am also neurodivergent, I have ADHD and I work from home, and so, the expectation has become that because I work from home, most of the mess and clutter comes from me and therefore I should be responsible for it. 

And that's somewhat true, but I do my best to keep up with things. And my job, despite being remote, is often stressful and extremely busy. So, despite trying to make time to at least sweep and do the dishes and laundry every day, I find myself drowning — haha, because KC Davis is here. When it comes to basic household chores and basic household management tasks like home repair and maintenance, I've had many conversations with my husband about feeling alone in the work, and he has made an effort to start asking, "What can I do to help?" When he comes home. 

But asking "What can I do" just means that I have to spend more energy giving him directions. And even when I do, while he may complete a task or take out the garbage, sometimes it happens immediately, sometimes it happens three days later and not very well, so I just have to do it again. 

It also baffles me that he'll look around at a house with a pile of unfolded laundry, a sink full of dishes, a pile of Amazon boxes, and dog toys thrown around and say, "What do I need to do?" I've tried talking to him. I've tried confronting him. We're actively in counseling, but nothing I say or do seems to break through his clutter blindness and or what feels like his active disinterest or lack of understanding about what it takes to live in a clean house. Any advice? Signed, not the maid." 

KC: Yes. Now, let's first say that I could give a ton of advice about "Here's how you could talk to him about it." I could say, "Hey, you know, someone who's physically tired can still take on a lot of the mental load of thinking about things." But I want to go with a slightly different angle, because I think this is where a lot of people are.

Cate: OK. 

KC: Where they're going "There's only one partner here that's working so hard." Because here's what's ironic is that I can already tell what issue this is, because even when it comes to "How do we make things fair?," she is working harder than he is. She is over-functioning. He is under-functioning. So, let me just talk about what do you do when you're in that space? Because you cannot make someone act differently.

And what we don't want to do is move into this space where we're constantly just trying to manipulate that person to be different, because we will drive ourselves crazy. So, what boundaries look like in a situation like that is for her to just sit down and look at all the things that she is doing in the day, her paid job, the things, whatever, and she's going to look at it and go "I have to take some of these things off my plate because I'm drowning." 

But we are going to remove "Make your husband do it" or "Make your partner do it." That's not an option. So, you're going to come up with the rest, and you're not going to think about him being an option, nor are you going to think about them feeling sad or happy about it. Here's what I mean. "If I am overburdened and something has to fall off the back of the truck. It's not going to be my laundry. It's going to be yours." I'm dead serious. 

So, there are some of these tasks that you can't do this to, but there will be some — cooking dinners and cleaning up and dealing with all these dishes like, how can you make that smaller, right? You can decide you're not making dinners anymore, OK? Most of us would be happy to eat cheese and crackers for dinner, except that we have, you know, somebody else. 

So, if you decide "You know what? Screw this. I'm happy to eat a microwave meal, OK? And I now cook for myself and do my dishes." Or we go, "Hey, if I'm not going to get help with the dishes, we're a paper plate family now. I'm just unwilling. I'm unwilling to exhaust myself in order to facilitate your life. I do my own laundry. Now you can do yours. I shop for the things that I need. I don't shop for the things you need. Because that's extra mental space I'm not picking up." 

And you can't do this from the perspective of "I'll show him. He'll be so sad that he'll come calling..." No, we do this from boundaries, not control. We do this from "I have to figure out a way." And some, this is not always an option, but this is, "You know what? I'm going to have to hire someone to do X or Y. I'm going to have to get groceries delivered." 

Cate: Yeah. 

KC: "And too bad if that's not your preference on how we would spend that money. But like, this is what I have to do. I have to start to take things off my plate," and the first thing that will go off the plate is anything you are doing to service that person's life. Again, you're not punishing him, you are just realistically taking things off of your plate because there is too much and you have a moral obligation to care for yourself. 

Cate: KC Davis, thank you so much for being here. You wrote a book; it's called "How to Keep House While Drowning." Am I allowed to tell people that you also have a new book coming out, or is that a secret? 

KC: It's not a secret, but it won't be out till like May of 2025. So, don't get too excited about it. But keep an eye out. It's it's going to be about relationships, so that'll be perfect. 

Cate: My book is coming out in August of 2025. So, I'm, I say that we're allowed to be excited about it now. 

KC: Yeah. 

Cate: Dang it. KC Davis tell our wonderful dear listeners where they can find you, how they can access your content, and all of the cool things you do. 

KC: So, I have a website called and from there you can link off to anything. You can go see my Ted Talk. You can go to my TikTok, which I'm domesticblisters, my Facebook, my Instagram @strugglecare. You can see where you can get my book, you can get some cool downloads. There's an online course, and I also have a podcast called "Struggle Care" that links to that website as well. 

Cate: KC Davis, thank you so much for being here. You are so amazing and so incredible, and I look up to you so much. So, I'm just so excited that I got to talk to you today. 

KC: Thank you. I feel all those things about you. 

Cate: Aww! Heart emoji. 

Thank you for listening. Anything mentioned in the episode will be linked in the show notes with more resources. Have a question, comment, burning story you'd like to share? Email me at 

This show is brought to you by Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at 

"Sorry, I Missed This," is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ilana Miller is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. For, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Cate Osborn. Thank you so much for listening. 

Remember to be kind to yourself, remember to be kind to others, and I'll see you again soon. 

And about all things household sharing duties... I can't say duties on the podcast. I changed my vote. 


  • Jaye Lin

    is an ADHD Coach, speaker, instructor, and podcaster.

    • Cate Osborn

      (@catieosaurus) is a certified sex educator, and mental health advocate. She is currently one of the foremost influencers on ADHD.

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