ADHD and coping with rejection

Few kids get through childhood without being rejected at some point. No one likes it when they’re not invited to a party. Or when they don’t get a part in the play. But rejection can be especially hard for kids with ADHD. They often experience its effects more intensely and take longer to recover from it.

The term sometimes used to describe intense reactions to rejection is rejection sensitive dysphoria, or RSD. A lot of kids with ADHD experience RSD, but it’s not a formal condition or diagnosis.

Learn more about ADHD and difficulty handling rejection.

Why ADHD makes it hard to cope with rejection

Many kids with ADHD struggle with managing emotions. Being rejected can bring up strong and long-lasting feelings, like disappointment, sadness, shame, and regret.

Most kids have ways of making themselves feel better if they’re rejected. If a friend isn’t available for a playdate because they’re already playing with another child, they might think, “I guess they made that plan before I asked her to come over. We’ll play next week instead!”

But executive function challenges can make this kind of self-talk hard for kids with ADHD. Handling rejection requires executive skills that most kids with ADHD lack. These include cognitive flexibility and self-control.

Executive skills allow kids to come up with explanations for what happened and develop a plan to move on. This kind of thinking helps kids put things in perspective. But kids with ADHD can often struggle to shift their thinking and move on. They may become hyperfocused on their feelings of rejection.

The impact of low self-esteem

Kids with ADHD often already feel like they’re on the outside. They’re more likely to struggle in school and may have a harder time with social skills. This can lead to poor self-esteem.

Kids with ADHD also tend to be more sensitive. They may be more likely to blame themselves when things don’t go as they’d hoped. If they don’t get invited to a party, they’re less likely to think “What a jerk that kid is.” Instead, they may think “What’s wrong with me?”

In some cases, rejection triggers such painful feelings that kids go to great lengths to avoid it. They might spend a lot of energy trying to please other people. Or withdraw from situations that might lead to rejection, like joining games at recess.

This only makes them feel more isolated. And it can contribute to mental health issues like anxiety and depression, which are common in kids with ADHD.

How you can help your child cope with rejection

There are ways you can help your child learn to put rejection into perspective and move past it. Here are some things you can do:

Help your child see different explanations. If a friend didn’t respond to a message, your child might worry that this means the friend doesn’t like them anymore. Talking through other possible reasons can help. The friend might just not have had the chance to answer yet.

Share stories about rejection and getting over it. Michael Jordan was cut from the high school basketball team. J.K. Rowling was rejected by 12 publishers for her first book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. You can also share your own experiences of being rejected and what you did to get over it.

Teach resilience. Help your child come up with a plan to move forward. For example, if your child isn’t chosen for baseball, find another activity to focus on. Or come up with a practice schedule. If your child’s friend cancels plans, brainstorm who else could come over.

Practicing coping strategies like these will help your child be more resilient when setbacks happen in the future.

Seek help. If your child is feeling down for longer than seems reasonable, or just seems off, reach out to your child’s health care provider. Keep in mind that kids with ADHD are at greater risk for mental health issues. If you see signs of anxiety or depression in your child, there are treatment options.

If your child with ADHD has trouble managing emotions, learn more about some of the common difficulties kids may have. Find out about ADHD and anger. Read why kids with ADHD often dwell on their emotions and experiences. And learn how behavior therapy might help.