What does thriving with ADHD actually look like?

“Thriving” has become an inescapable buzzword for the ADHD community lately. 

On its face, thriving is a good thing. The word “thriving” implies someone who’s doing well. Successful, happy, and feeling good. But it isn’t always that simple, especially when you have ADHD. Because what a lot of people typically think of as “thriving” — doing well at work, staying on track at home, showing up in relationships — all tend to come at a steep cost for people with ADHD. 

Living with ADHD can make it feel like you’re always in survival mode. It’s a never-ending battle to stay on top of things at work and at home. Trying to get everything done in a world designed for neurotypical people can make simply existing with learning differences feel exhausting. 

That’s why for me, the term is like nails on a chalkboard. It’s thrown around so much that it has basically lost its meaning. It feels like “thriving” — or at least giving the appearance of thriving — is yet another type of performance that we’re expected to give. 

But maybe it doesn’t have to be like that. Because, as I learned on a recent episode of the podcast Hyperfocus with Rae Jacobson, thriving is more complicated — and more ADHD-friendly — than it seems. On the show, licensed psychotherapist and leadership coach Sarah Greenberg, Understood’s own vice president of expertise, joined host Rae Jacobson to discuss why it’s so important to redefine thriving. And what it actually means to thrive with ADHD.

ADHD can get in the way of what we’d typically think of as thriving in so many ways. Early in life, kids with ADHD are more likely to struggle in school and to get lower grades.¹ This can lead to emotional symptoms and behavioral problems in school.² And they’re less likely to graduate from high school, too.¹

Meanwhile, adults living with ADHD are less likely to be satisfied with their careers and more likely to have shorter or less stable forms of employment than neurotypical adults.³ Plus, adults living with ADHD are more likely to get fired and be unemployed.⁴ It’s difficult to thrive and think of yourself as successful when your job’s not satisfying — let alone stable. This can make work a stressful place.³ 

So the suggestion that we should all be “thriving” can feel, at best, unrealistic to people with ADHD. At worst, it can feel like we’re being told to hide our differences. 

Jacobson, who also has ADHD, touches on this during the Hyperfocus podcast. “As a person with ADHD, when I am thriving to others, a lot of times it just means my neurodiversity is no longer bothering them,” she explains. “[It means] I’m doing well at masking, I’m succeeding in my job. I am, at least externally, happy and seem like somebody who is a productive member of society. Thriving, when I think about it now as an adult, for a long time has just felt like another euphemism for erasure: You’re thriving when I can’t tell you have a learning disability anymore.”

In other words, when someone living with ADHD appears to be thriving, there’s a good chance that there’s more to it than meets the eye. Not only do we have to perform the task at hand, but we also have to make sure that none of our coping strategies or struggles are visible to others. In other words, to be seen as “thriving,” people with ADHD are working twice as hard as our neurotypical peers — while trying to make all that work invisible. 

Part of the challenge, Greenberg explains, is that most people’s idea of thriving is only through an “external” lens. What she means is that thriving is often judged by how outwardly “successful” a person is. Outward or external signs of success can be how their career is advancing, and whether they have a nice car, home, and other signs of material wealth. 

By focusing on these external signs, society tends to ignore internal success. Unlike external success, internal success is less visible to others. It’s more focused on how you feel — whether you feel good about yourself and “feel a sense of belonging in the world,” Greenberg explains. 

As adults living with ADHD, when we put so much effort into appearing externally successful, it often comes at the expense of our internal success. Or, as Jacobson puts it: “If you’re successful, you’re probably sacrificing a certain amount of freedom, of brain space, [and] of [your] ability to relax.” Which doesn’t exactly sound like thriving.

Instead of thinking of thriving solely in terms of being successful and achieving certain goals, Greenberg recommends viewing it more as a balance. External success, such as earning a living, matters. But your relationships, how you talk to yourself, a sense of meaning? These matter too. That way, she says, “You get to be a whole person.”

There are a few ways this can happen. 

• Remind yourself that challenges are chances to grow. “You can grow [in] the areas that are challenging,” says Greenberg. Rather than seeing challenges as weaknesses or reasons why you’re not successful, you can reframe them as opportunities for growth. “Getting better at [things that are hard for you] can feel really, really good when approached in the right way,” she explains.

• Remember that your definition of thriving is just that: Yours. “Many people feel a ‘pressure to thrive,’” says Greenberg. Or worry if what feels like thriving to them doesn’t match the level of success they see in their peers. But, Greenberg explains, thriving does — and should! — look different for everyone. Finding your own definition of what it means to thrive, and avoiding comparing yourself to others, is key.

• Lean into strengths. We spend a lot of energy trying to get better at things that are hard for us. But we don’t have to always be so hard on ourselves. Thinking about what you’re naturally good at, and giving yourself opportunities to flex those skills can help you thrive, Greenberg explains. “Another way to work on thriving is instead of just focusing on deficit areas, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to use my strengths,” she says.

• Live in line with your values. What’s most important to you? Where do you find meaning? What helps you feel a sense of purpose? Questions like these, Greenberg says, are a key part of finding your own path to thriving. “Thriving is about ‘Am I living by my values? Do I feel a sense of purpose in my life? Do I feel like I matter and I’m able to engage in activities that matter?’ This is where I think thriving is so contextual.” She also notes that though our answers to questions like these change as we go through life, the drive to find purpose and meaning stays the same. 

For a long time, I’d cringe when I’d hear someone talking about “thriving.” To me, it was synonymous with masking. It meant having to put in extra effort to compensate for my shortcomings, and trying to appear successful in the traditional sense — all things that left me feeling frustrated and depleted. But things have changed since I’ve started to think of thriving on my own terms. 

As a freelance journalist, I may never be as financially successful as many of my peers. But I still view my career as thriving because it gives me an opportunity to use my strengths and to help people. This simple shift in my mindset has made my job more fulfilling and less stressful, and could benefit other people living with ADHD as well. For this reason, I hope that we see a broader, better definition of thriving in the near future.

Listen as Rae Jacobson talks with Sarah Greenberg about a new way to understand and measure thriving on this episode of Hyperfocus.

“Thriving” typically refers to appearing traditionally successful or flourishing. However, for people living with ADHD, it often means masking and putting in significant effort to make it appear as though you’re on top of things. In that sense of the word, thriving can be stressful and exhausting. For this reason, we should adopt a new definition of the word, and view thriving as a process, rather than a goal that needs to be achieved. Additionally, it’s important to note that thriving looks different for everyone. It can vary depending on a person’s age, environment, relationships, goals, and life stage.