ADHD and setting goals (when resolutions flop)

By now, New Year’s resolutions already feel… kind of over. 

In this episode, Dr. J breaks down why traditional resolution culture doesn’t work for ADHD brains — and how to approach goal setting after the January hype has worn off. 

We talk about executive dysfunction, motivation, and dopamine. And we share practical ways to set goals that are flexible, realistic, and actually sustainable. No fresh start energy here!

• Listen: ADHD and perfectionism

• Listen: When ambition doesn’t match output

• Read: Little goals can be better than big resolutions

Dr. J: If you've clicked on this episode, chances are you've had it up to here with New Year's resolutions. So much so that you've decided to ignore creating any for the entire month of January. And honestly, I don't blame you. When you're a woman with ADHD, the typical "new year, new me" approach just doesn't cut it. The endless lists, the pressure to suddenly become a productivity machine — it's exhausting.

Today we're talking about ADHD and solutions, not resolutions. I'll explain why traditional resolutions often fail us, and how we can shift our focus to real, practical solutions that actually work with ADHD brains. This is "ADHD and", where we talk about everyday life and ADHD. I'm your host, Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with people with ADHD.

If you've ever made a grand resolution like waking up before the sun to meditate, write, work out, and conquer capitalism before breakfast, only to end up scrolling until 1:00 AM — congratulations, you're in good company. I live there too. Resolutions are seductive, especially for people with ADHD. They give you a dopamine hit of potential, a shiny illusion that this time I'll be disciplined.

But that fantasy often collides with something called executive dysfunction. So "new year, new me" often translates into "no plan, same brain." So why do we keep falling into the same trap? Let's talk about what's actually happening when we set resolutions. Most of us approach January like we're shopping at a goal store, grabbing whatever looks shiny and impressive.

We make promises that sound good, feel aspirational, and critically, come from a place of what we think we should want rather than what we actually need. The research on women with ADHD reveals a particularly tricky dynamic. Women with ADHD are often socialized to manage their symptoms quietly, masking their struggles while maintaining high performance.

This means that they're especially prone to setting goals based on external expectations. These are things that allow us to feel normal based on society standards. This is not really based on our value system or what genuinely serves us. Quotes are kind of my thing, and one of my favorites is from the illustrious Morticia Addams: "What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly."

We all have to figure out our place within the world, but that doesn't mean changing who you are. It means embracing you in all that comes with that — the strengths and the things that we might need to work around. The next thing that keeps us falling into this trap is executive function. When we set a vague resolution like "get healthier" or "be more organized", we're asking our executive function to do all of the heavy lifting.

Our brains have to translate that vague goal into concrete steps, break those steps into manageable tasks, create a timeline, remember to implement it, monitor progress, and adjust when things inevitably go sideways. For the ADHD brain, it's like being asked to run a marathon while simultaneously learning how to walk. The cognitive load is immense, and we haven't even started on the actual goal yet.

(03:43) Resolutions vs. solutions

Dr. J: Resolutions are performative. Solutions are supportive. Resolutions are about proving something, often to ourselves or others. Solutions are about caring for ourselves. What if instead of reinventing ourselves every year, we focused on supporting ourselves? What if we stopped asking, "How do I fix me?" and started asking, "What systems would allow for my life to be gentler and more sustainable?"

This is why I'm always telling my patients to be their future self's best friend. The ADHD brain struggles with long-term reward systems. Those with ADHD are often more responsive to immediate feedback rather than distant outcomes. That's why focusing on progress, not perfection, is key. Celebrating small wins like remembering to take your meds or cleaning one section of your room keeps dopamine flowing and motivation alive.

A solution-based mindset shifts from "Did I finish?" to "Did I show up today?" That subtle change reduces shame and builds consistency. Additionally, annual resolutions are too abstract. Twelve months might as well be 12 light years. Many people, and that includes people with ADHD, benefit from shorter time horizons.

Goals that fit into three-month seasons. Quarterly goals also match how life actually works. Your energy shifts with seasons, hormones, workload, and emotional bandwidth. A system that allows you to recalibrate every few months respects your natural rhythm. I was just saying to somebody the other day, do you think the only thing that changes with the seasons is your wardrobe?

With solutions, you can consider all of the elements that make you you and learn to work with yourself. Okay, so how do we actually create solutions instead of resolutions?

Tip number one is to start with curiosity, not criticism. Before you even think about what you want to change, spend some time getting curious about what actually works best for you. And I mean for real for real. Not just how you think you should work or how your coworker works. Grab your phone notes and start tracking patterns.

What time of day do you have the most energy? What conditions make tasks feel less miserable? Music, body doubling, coffee, standing? When do you naturally get stuff done without feeling like you have to force it? What kinds of rewards actually motivate you? Maybe you've noticed that you can't focus in complete silence, but you can hyperfocus when there's brown noise playing.

Maybe you realize that you always forget to take your meds unless they're literally sitting on the coffee maker. These observations aren't random. They're the building blocks for solutions that will actually work for your brain. Here's an example of what I mean. Let's say I wanted to run more. I would put my shoes next to my bed, not by the door where they "should" go.

Right next to my bed because the 30 seconds that it could take to go get them from the closet is the same 30 seconds it could take me to lose all of my motivation for running. I'm going to be really honest. My running motivation is low. I hate that form of cardio. Silly? Maybe. Effective? Absolutely. I've completed races.

(07:14) Specificity and feedback

Dr. J: Tip number two is to make it so specific that you can't misinterpret it. Vague goals are like kryptonite. "Get healthier" requires your executive function to do way too much translation work. Put on shoes and walk to the mailbox three times a week. Eat a vegetable with dinner on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Or drink one full glass of water before you have your morning coffee.

Notice how specific these all are? There's no room for your brain to spiral into, "But what does it mean to be healthy, really?" It's either black or white, done or not done. ADHD brains love that kind of clarity. The key is to make the action so clear that you could explain it to a five-year-old. If you're having to make multiple decisions to execute a task, it's too complex. Break it down even further.

Tip number three is to build in immediate feedback. People with ADHD struggle with delayed gratification. We need to know that it's working right now, not in three months. It's difficult to wait to see the full result. So what you want to do is create feedback loops that give you immediate satisfaction. For example, you might want to use a physical calendar and give yourself a satisfying checkmark or sticker for each day that you complete a particular task.

You may consider tracking streaks in an app that gives you a little dopamine hit. Share your wins with an accountability buddy who will celebrate you. Or simply notice and name how you're feeling right after completing an action. So, "I feel accomplished," "My body feels good," or "I'm proud of myself."

(08:49) Plan for the fail

Dr. J: Tip number four is to plan for the fail, not just the win. This might be the most important tip, and it's the one that we skip most often. We plan for success, but we don't plan for the inevitable moment when life gets in the way. So when you're creating your solutions, ask yourself: What happens if I miss a day? What's the minimum version of this that still counts? How will I get back on track without spiraling into shame?

For example, if your solution is to take a 20-minute walk three times a week, your fail-safe plan might be that if you miss a day, instead of skipping, you'll take a 5-minute walk the next day. And if you miss an entire week, you'll start back on Monday with zero criticism and zero guilt. Tip number five is to set ridiculously low standards.

And I'm being serious about this. Your first instinct will be to make the solution grand. "I'm going to meditate for 30 minutes every single morning." Resist that urge with everything that you have. If you can't track a thought for more than 12 seconds, there is no way you're going to be able to sit down and meditate for 30 minutes in silence every day.

That's actually being straight cruel to yourself. Make your solution so small that it feels almost embarrassing. One pushup, one paragraph of writing, one minute of meditation. The goal is not to do something impressive. It's to prove to your brain that you can be consistent. Once you've done the ridiculously small version consistently for a few weeks, then you can scale up if you want to.

(10:37) Identifying effective solutions

Dr. J: But to be honest, sometimes the ridiculously small thing is the exact version that you need, and that's completely valid. Lastly, I often get asked, how do you know if a solution is working? So I'm going to talk about some signs. One is you're doing it more often than not, so aim for at least 60 to 70 percent consistency, not perfection.

It's getting slightly easier or more automatic over time is another good sign. You may also notice that you feel genuinely good when you complete it. You notice small changes even if they're subtle. That's a good sign that the solution is working. And then lastly here, you're not white-knuckling it through every single time. Now here are some signs that your solution needs a tweak.

You're consistently not doing it, even though you really want to. It feels like a punishment or obligation every single time. You find yourself making excuses or avoiding it. You can't remember the last time you actually did it, or the barrier to entry feels too high even though it's already been a few weeks. What's most important is being honest with yourself.

And I mean really honest. Not the version of honesty where you tell yourself that you just need to try harder. If the solution isn't working, it's time to tweak and try again. Because hey, life is one grand experiment and you're the mad scientist of your existence. That's it for this episode of "ADHD and". Thank you so much for joining me.

If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to check the episode on "ADHD and Perfectionism", where I explain why the need for things to be perfect are common challenges for women with ADHD. Please like, subscribe, and of course leave comments on what solutions you're figuring out for yourself. Help your fellow humans out; we can all inspire and support one another.

You've been listening to "ADHD and." I'd love to hear from you. If you have a question you'd like me to answer or a topic you'd like us to cover, email us at podcasts@understood.org.

Be sure to check out the show notes for this episode. There you'll find resources and links to anything I mentioned in the episode. 

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

Dr. J: "ADHD and" is produced by Calvin Knie and Alyssa Shea, who also edits the show. .. Editorial support is provided by Rae Jacobson.

Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright.Briana Berry is our production director. Jordan Davidson is our editorial director.

For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere.

And I'm your host, Dr. J.