ADHD and: The fear of failure

For some women with ADHD, the fear of failure can feel overwhelming, causing them to second-guess their every move. They might avoid taking risks or stepping out of their comfort zone, even when they have the skills to succeed. It’s a cycle that’s tough to break, but there are ways to face this fear and move forward with confidence. 

In this episode, Dr. Monica Johnson explores how fear of failure uniquely impacts women with ADHD. Tune in as she shares insights on transforming that fear into growth—and offers practical strategies for breaking free of this cycle.

We love to hear from our listeners. Email us at podcast@understood.org.

• How ADHD can affect your mental health

• The ADHD failure cycle (Jared Robson’s story)

(01:27) How ADHD can influence the fear of failure

(07:46) How to manage the fear of failure

Dr. J: Ever feel like the fear of failure is just around the corner, especially when you have ADHD? For many women, the fear of failure isn't just about making mistakes. It's about feeling like you're constantly falling short.

This is "ADHD and," where we talk about everyday life and ADHD. I'm your host, Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with people with ADHD. Today, we're talking about ADHD and the fear of failure.

I need to say this out loud: Fear of failure is something that many people feel, regardless of whether or not they have ADHD. In America, we have a performance-based culture which can definitely heighten these experiences. There has been a standard for a long time for women to have it all by being it all. Wife, mother, full-time worker. And because live in an individualistic society, this means being it all without needing any help. It's an impossible standard for anyone to hold.

However, all that being said, there are many aspects that women with ADHD struggle with that make being scared of failure a totally reasonable fear, especially if you've gone undiagnosed or haven't been on top of your treatment plan yet. ADHD can impair working memory, making it difficult to keep track of multiple steps, recall important details, and follow through on long-term goals. This can lead to missed deadlines, forgotten tasks, or difficulty learning from past experiences, reinforcing self-doubt, and the fear of not being able to keep up.

Many people with ADHD experience difficulty starting tasks, especially those that are boring, overwhelming, or uncertain. The longer tasks are avoided, the greater the anxiety about failing, leading to last-minute scrambles, shame, and self-criticism. ADHD often leads to poor time perception, causing people to underestimate how long tasks take or forget deadlines entirely. This creates a cycle of rushed work, stress, and feeling like you're always behind, reinforcing the belief that you're not as capable as others.

Difficulty with impulse control can result in blurting out thoughts, interrupting, or making decisions without thinking through the consequences. Emotional dysregulation can amplify rejection sensitivity, leading to a deep fear of making mistakes and disappointing others. Many women with ADHD compensate for their executive functioning struggles by overcompensating with perfectionism. The fear of making mistakes or receiving criticism can lead to avoidance, burnout, or anxiety-driven overworking.

Due to repeated experiences of struggling with organization, focus, or follow-through, women with ADHD often develop a low self-efficacy, the belief that they are inherently unreliable or incapable. This leads to imposter syndrome, where they fear being found out as incompetent even when they're successful. You can tell how this could lead to a lot of dread for a person. On one hand, you can fear failure so much that you create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

However, with imposter syndrome, when you accomplish something, it's a fluke, and you worry about being discovered and cast out. All of this, coupled with the cultural standard, means that the fear of failure isn't restricted to simply failing at a task. It hits much deeper at your identity and your self-worth. You really start to feel like everyone else has it all figured out and that for some reason, you can't human, which I know is a strange way to say it, but that is often what is reflected to me in session.

People tell me that they start to feel fundamentally deficient or that they're like an alien trying to hide as they walk through the world. It's both incredibly sad and untrue. Everyone else doesn't have it all figured out. It is all make-believe. Your struggles are real, but your value as a human being isn't any less just because you struggle with ADHD.

Now, as I was looking into this topic, I actually came across an interesting article. They were looking at entrepreneurial behavior and ADHD. Now, generally speaking, as described before and what we kind of know from experience, the characteristics of ADHD don't naturally lend themselves to being successful in this area.

However, their results show that when a strong relationship between ADHD and the fear of failure were present, new venture teams outperformed those in which the relationship was not found. This is because the fear can have an inhibitory effect, meaning that it can keep some of our more impulsive characteristics in check. More on that in a few minutes.

Now, I'm assuming that most of you haven't had a good relationship with your fear of failure. I've spoken to so many women and men, for example, who were diagnosed later in life and thought that they were just crappy, deficient people. All the missteps that occurred to them were their fault. They were careless, thoughtless, directionless people. And this was because they were lazy, lacked empathy, or whatever hurtful assumptions that people had made about them throughout their lives. But that's actually not the case. Let's take a closer look at how this dynamic plays out in real life using an example.

So, let's use the example of procrastination and task avoidance. Research has shown that procrastination is not about being lazy; rather with ADHD, it's an issue of emotional regulation. People with ADHD often avoid tasks that trigger emotions of overwhelm, boredom, or perceived failure. The avoidance leads to last-minute panic, poor performance, and a reinforcement of self-doubt, which fuels further self-sabotage. Procrastination, in this case, is often a maladaptive coping mechanism because you may not understand your own internal emotional state and what to do about it.

When you don't have a diagnosis or an understanding of what's going on, you tend to blame yourself. For example, let's say you have undiagnosed diabetes and you eat an entire cheesecake and have a bad reaction. Your initial response is gonna be, "What's wrong with me?" The same thing is true when you have undiagnosed ADHD. You're gonna say things like, what is wrong with me? Why did I let this deadline pass? Your resolution is typically a character judgment on yourself: "I am bad, I am lazy, I am stupid."

Furthering the example, these faulty conclusions about yourself may prevent you from taking on new projects, asking for promotions, or speaking up in meetings. This can stifle your career growth and lead to dissatisfaction in your work life. Do you see how neatly these dominoes can fall into place if they're left unchecked? Now, going back to what I said about women coming to the conclusion that it's all their fault. Fault implies that you did something wrong. You didn't choose to have ADHD. And for many that were diagnosed later in life, there were systemic reasons behind that.

It's difficult to treat something that you don't know about. So, it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility. So, how do we break free from the paralyzing grip of fear? It's not about eliminating the fear entirely, but rather learning how to manage it and using it to fuel growth.

Now, we're gonna bring it all home because the first thing you're gonna need to do is reframe failure. So, my first tip is to normalize failure as a part of learning. Instead of thinking I always mess up, I want you to shift to I'm not good at this yet. The reason why this works is ADHD brains often struggle with all-or-nothing thinking, seeing mistakes as catastrophic rather than a part of the process. I really want to emphasize the use of "yet" language. Instead of "I can't do this," say, "I can't do this yet." One statement is final, and the other is in progress.

Positive self-talk makes a huge difference in our brains. I mean, how many of you have stayed in a situationship because the guy's not ready yet and you're holding out this hope that he's going to be the husband character in your TikTok wedding. Use your yes for good. And if that guy isn't aligned with your long-term values, drop him.

Tip number two is to identify the lesson, not the mistake. Instead of "I failed at this because I'm bad," shift to "What didn't work and what can I change?" This works because the ADHD brain often focuses on shame rather than solutions, which can lead to avoidance.

The next time you fail, I want you to answer a series of questions. What worked or did you make any progress? What didn't work, or where did you struggle? And then lastly, what will you change next time or what is one adjustment you can make? Write this down after setbacks to train your brain to see failure as feedback.

Tip number three is to use externalization. It's the system, not you. Instead of "I'm a failure," shift to "This strategy didn't work for my brain." ADHD struggles are often about the system, not personal ability. For example, using a planner that doesn't really work for you. Instead of blaming yourself, analyze what specific process needs adjusting. Do you need more structure? Do you need an external accountability partner? Or do you need a different method? So, this would be using audio reminders instead of written ones.

Tip number four is to be curious about your failure. Where does it come from? And what is it trying to do for you? It might sound strange, but referencing the study from earlier in the episode, you could use your fear to help you stay motivated and focused on strategies that are actually helpful. Up until this point, you may have assumed I have a fear of failure because I am a failure. But it's more likely that you have a fear of a failure because you care, and you want to be productive, reliable, et cetera. So, be curious.

For example, maybe you'll find that in one situation, you have a fear of failure because you were late picking up your daughter last week and you don't want that to happen again. Now you've defined the problem, and you can figure out the solution. Perhaps you can have a cope ahead plan with your daughter on what she can do if you're late again. And then using some of the strategies that I described before, you can adjust your strategies to increase the likelihood of showing up on time.

Trial and error is a necessary part of learning. And unfortunately, you can't avoid it, so you must mentally prepare for it. Which brings me to my final point, self-compassion. Instead of thinking, "I always screw things up," I want you to shift to, "This is hard, and I'm working on it." Talk to yourself as you would a friend or a child. Would you call them a failure? No. You would encourage them to try again. Use compassion-based affirmations like, "I'm doing my best with the tools that I have," or "One mistake does not define me."

The fear of failure can be crushing, but it doesn't have to be. Once you're aware, you can prepare and progress towards the life you want to have. If you want more information on self-sabotage, compassion, or any other topic, Let me know. Your questions are always welcome. If you enjoyed today's topic, check out our episode on ADHD and imposter syndrome, where I explain how imposter is closely linked to ADHD.

If there's ever a topic that we've covered previously and you want me to do a deeper dive, post comments on that episode, and I'll see what I can do. Thank you for being here, being you, and I will see you on the next episode of "ADHD and."

This show is brought to you by Understood.org, a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org.

"ADHD and" is produced by Tara Drinks and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our video producer is Calvin Knie. Samiah Adams is our production manager. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our audio engineer and music composer is Justin D. Wright. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Dr. J.