Tips from an ADHD Coach: Changing hobbies

Everyone tries out different hobbies from time to time. With ADHD, the intensity of these interests, and the number of interests we’ve abandoned, tend to be higher. 

This week on Tips from an ADHD Coach, Jaye talks about how people with ADHD might go hard on new interests and hobbies, then lose interest and move on to another one. Listen for some tips on how to combat the shame that can come with this.

Have a challenge you’d like Jaye to talk about in an episode? Email or send a voice memo to us at adhdcoachtips@understood.org

• What is the ADHD tax? 

(00:46) Alex’s quote

(02:30) Why people with ADHD try and abandon hobbies often

(07:11) Comparing our work to others

(08:09) Monetizing hobbies

(09:33) Feeling guilty and ashamed about abandoning hobbies

(10:28) What can we do if we’ve had a history of abandoned hobbies? 

(13:58) Recap

Jaye: Do you have a history of trying out hobby after hobby? Do you spend a lot of time and money gathering all the knowledge and materials about a hobby you're interested in, then ditch it shortly after getting started? Do you have a graveyard of forgotten craft supplies and half-finished projects? Does it make you feel ashamed or guilty?

This is "Tips from an ADHD Coach," and I'm your coach, Jaye Lin. Today, we're talking about how with ADHD, we can have a tendency to go hard on approaching new interests and hobbies, then lose interest and move on to another one. We are going to hear from Alex, who shared with us a challenge she has with starting and continuing hobbies.

Alex: Some of the activities and hobbies I've done over the years are embroidering, running, singing, playing the piano, playing the guitar, ukulele, cooking, and nail art, arts and crafts, painting. I can mark the times in my life by what that hyperfixation was, and a hobby that I did that I've stopped doing was embroidering. I saw other people doing it, and I thought, that seems cool, and I like moving my hands, and I need something to do with my hands. So, I tried it.

And then when Covid happened, I went full-on to do this, and I don't, I'm known to do things pretty impulsively, but this was very impulsive where I just like bought everything you would ever need to embroider. And I was doing it and I was loving it, and it was so fun. And I made an Instagram, of course, to show off what I was doing. And naturally, I decided to monetize off this, and I said "I could do commissions; I could do whatever you want. I love embroidering; embroidering is me."

I did it for about a month or two months really consistently. But then as I was monetizing off of it and I was feeling more stress of, "Oh, I have to do this because it's due or because someone's paying me and blah, blah, blah blah," and that took a lot of the joy that I initially started doing it for out of it. And now I don't really embroider, but I do know how to sew and that it does come in handy. And yeah, that's my little relationship with embroidering.

Jaye: Alex is like so many ADHD people I know, and especially ADHD women I know who have tried a wide range of hobbies and interests. While there can be a few hobbies that seem to stick, many of us seem to have dropped most of those hobbies we were so sure we'd want to do for the rest of our lives. Trying and abandoning hobbies is something all humans do, of course, but with ADHD, as with a lot of other human qualities, the intensity of it tends to be higher in both the intensity of the interests themselves and the number of interests we've abandoned.

With ADHD, we have lower levels of dopamine, so when our brains give us bursts of dopamine, we not only feel good but want to get more of it. We get our highest levels of dopamine when we're dreaming up possibilities. When we ask ourselves, "Could this be awesome? Or could I be awesome at this?" So, Alex got a ping of dopamine when she saw others doing embroidery and thought embroidery could be awesome for her because it uses her hands, and she needs to move her hands, something many of us who have hyperactive bodies can relate to.

So, she went into the procurement phase, buying everything she would need to go hard with embroidery and I'm guessing doing a lot of research into techniques, types of thread, the ideal projects to start with, etc. This is common for us when we get that burst of dopamine about the possibilities of the hobby. With every discovery, every purchase, every video we watch on the topic, we are getting continual boosts of dopamine because after each of these steps, it feels more likely that this hobby could be awesome and that we could be awesome at it. And then we start the hobby.

This can go a few ways. Sometimes, the doubt sets in, and we aren't able to do the first step. Maybe the first step seems too overwhelmingly challenging. Or maybe we do the first step and we are bad at it. When that happens, our dopamine levels drop because it's the opposite of feeling like this hobby could be awesome or that we could be awesome at it. It feels like this hobby could suck, or that we could suck at it without those continued bursts of dopamine. It can be harder for us to have the motivation or focus to develop the skills to continue. And it can feel like a lot of work and not a lot of enjoyment. And who wants to do a hobby that's a lot of work and not a lot of enjoyment?

Another way it can go when we first start a hobby is that we stay confident and keep getting dopamine. This can often lead to intense focus and fixation, especially when we're getting pretty good results right away. More evidence pointing to the hobby being awesome or us being awesome at it. This can sometimes lead to obsession like levels of interest because we feel so good when we're doing it that we want to do it for hours every day. And as long as the results keep getting better, it will continue feeling good and we will continue being intensely interested in it.

Sometimes that's fine. Like in Alex's case, she had an abundance of time at home in the early Covid pandemic, and spending hours intensely focused on embroidery seemed to only have good outcomes. But as many of us have experienced, being extremely focused on one, interest can have consequences because we usually have a limited amount of time and energy to dedicate to important things in our lives. Sometimes when we spend hours hyperfocused on a hobby every day, it can lead to neglecting our relationships with the people we love, our responsibilities, and things like sleep, hygiene, and feeding ourselves.

This usually can't go on for very long before there's a negative event, like a friend or partner voicing that they're feeling neglected. Skipping meals so much we get lightheaded, falling asleep at work, etc. When that negative event happens, what does that do to the scale of whether that hobby will be awesome or that we will be awesome at it? It starts tipping the other way. Now that hobby is not something that purely brings us joy. It's also something that brings friction into our lives. Now, we are not awesome because our interest in that hobby makes us suck.

If this negative event leads to us only dedicating short periods of time to the hobby, sometimes it also slows down the development of skills, and dopamine levels can drop from that too. While it's possible for us to continue with that hobby for a while out of habit, I find that this is usually the place where interest starts to wane. And since many of us have all or nothing modes of interest, starting to feel like the hobby could suck or we could suck at it even, in small amounts, can flip the interest switch from on to off pretty quickly.

If that negative event doesn't happen or doesn't faze us, we could actually get pretty good at that hobby. Having high levels of dopamine while doing that hobby can also mean having extremely high executive function and focus with it, which can sometimes get us to be really good at something faster than what's normal for other people. That's all really motivating, and paired with more dopamine-getting things like great visual results and praise can push us to get to the next level. Sometimes, that means that we're now comparing our work to a more advanced group, or it can lead us to do what Alex did: monetize her skill.

When we compare our work to the work of those with advanced skills, that can lead to our dopamine levels dropping. Because with that comparison, maybe we don't think our work is that great anymore. You know what they say: comparison is the thief of joy, or it can lead us to working harder to rise to the challenge. It's different for every person and different in every situation.

Monetizing the hobby, though, is a lot more predictable. A lot of us with ADHD are always trying to make our hobbies into something we can make money and live off of. Many of us grew up hearing that if we're doing something we love, we won't work a day of our lives.

As someone who has made her passions her career a few times, being a former food truck and restaurant owner and now ADHD coach, I have to say trying to monetize all of our passions is a really easy way to no longer have any passions. When we do hobbies, especially creative hobbies, we tend to get a lot of enjoyment and dopamine from the creative exploration, the anticipation about the results, and the development of our skills.

What embroidery projects can Alex sell on her Etsy store? Most likely a project that can be displayed, which means she will have to do a project she's already done identically, maybe a few times. That sounds pretty tedious and not very creative. Even for custom commissions, she wouldn't be completely in charge of the creative direction, which gets less dopamine. And with monetizing our hobby, it becomes something we now have to do. There are deadlines, expectations, obligations for so many of us that demand and pressure can do the opposite of what dopamine does for us, and create more resistance and avoidance.

So, there you have it. So many ways having ADHD and lower levels of dopamine can make it more likely for us to abandon a hobby, which many of us feel guilty and ashamed about, and who is eager to do something they feel guilt and shame around? The guilt and shame for repeatedly abandoning hobbies is even higher. If we've spent a lot of money or time on that hobby, or we were never able to complete that project, or we have a physical reminder of our failure.

We don't want to get rid of all of our supplies, maybe because a part of us wants to go back and finish that project or start up that hobby again. Very often, though, we just can't seem to because we kind of feel bad every time we think about it. Thanks, emotional dysregulation.

So, many of us have accumulated a graveyard of hobby supplies and lost interests that constantly remind us of our inability to follow through with our intentions. So, what can we do if we've had a history of abandoned hobbies? The first question I have is: What's so bad about that? Hobbies are for enjoyment, not for measuring our value in society. Yes, I've had a bunch of random interests and hobbies that I didn't continue doing for years, but if I enjoyed myself while I was doing them, what makes that a bad thing?

Having an OK level of skills in a ton of things is actually a pretty cool quality to have. Maybe if I had a more singular long-term focus on it, my skill level would have been much higher, but I also wouldn't have developed all these other skills I picked up in the meantime. Sometimes we can feel bad that we spent too much money or time on it. If that's the case, we can use our experience to influence our future choices. Maybe we can borrow or rent materials while we're trying something out for the first few times, or only buy what we need to make a simple starter project for beginners.

Of course, this won't be as exciting as going deep into research and buying everything we could possibly need to have a long, advanced relationship with this hobby, but we also won't feel as negative of feelings in the aftermath of it either. And if we do end up liking the activity, we can always buy what's needed for the next level of the hobby. And if we still like it, the next level after that. This allows us to get continual excitement that drives our interest in the hobby forward.

We can also use our past choices to more accurately budget for our time and money. How much is too much money to spend on something we may only be interested in temporarily? OK then, just below that is the budget for the initial investment we're going to make until we do it for a few months. The same goes for our time. What amount of time each day or week will allow us to focus on the hobby, while not neglecting the important things in our lives? It might be a fight with our hyperfocus tendencies to stick to those time and money budgets, but knowing how much our logical side would like to spend on a new hobby makes it less likely for us to have regrets later on.

And just a reminder that we regularly do spend money on things we enjoy. Spending $50 on craft supplies for a hobby we did for four hours one weekend isn't all that different from spending $50 on a concert for one night. The only difference is that the hobby might accumulate stuff. Stuff we don't want to throw out because we spent a lot of time and energy getting that stuff. Throwing away all that money and effort feels bad. So, how can we get rid of it and feel good?

I've started giving those craft kits to people who are also interested in those crafts. That time I spent researching yarn or finding the best fabric pattern isn't a waste because it's going to someone who appreciates it. Or I can spend time with a friend or family member and do that craft together, which brings a little social boost of dopamine to the mix. The act of generosity turns something that feels bad into something that makes me feel good.

Even with a tendency to change hobbies and interests, we can still feel OK about pivoting away from them, which, funny enough, makes it more likely for us to continue with it or return to it. It makes sense, right? If it makes us feel good, we will want more of it, even if it's just every once in a while.

It's common for those of us with ADHD to have a long list of abandoned hobbies because we get the most dopamine when we wonder if something like a hobby could be awesome or if we could be awesome at it. When we do things that point toward the answer of those questions being yes, we get more dopamine, which intensifies our motivation and focus on that hobby.

This often leads to us spending a lot of time, money, and energy in that procurement phase and sometimes being overly focused and intense about that hobby at the start, which can lead to rapid skill development but could also lead us to neglect important things in our lives. When that happens, along with any other event that points to the hobby being not awesome or us not being awesome at that hobby, our dopamine levels drop, which can lead to a loss of interest and motivation to do it.

The history of abandoning hobbies tends to bring up guilt and shame, but it doesn't have to. Having varied interests over our lives gives us a lot of skills and knowledge, and spending money and time on an abandoned hobby is no different from spending money and time on anything else we enjoy.

If we budget our time and money for potentially temporary hobbies, we can feel less guilty if we don't continue with it. If we give away our supplies or do the hobby with someone we love, we can still feel good about the whole experience, which actually makes us more likely to continue with it or return to it. Hobbies can feel good, even occasional or temporary ones.

You've been listening to "Tips from an ADHD Coach" on the Understood Podcast Network. If you have a challenge you'd like me to talk about or would just like to say hi, you can email us at ADHDCoachTips@understood.org. You can also check out the show notes to find links to anything mentioned in the show, and more resources.

The show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.

"Tips from an ADHD Coach" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ash Beecher is our supervising producer, Briana Berry is our production director, and Neil Drumming is our editorial director for Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Jaye Lin. Thanks for listening.