ADHD impulsivity and saying yes to sex too fast

Ever said yes to sex a little too fast and regretted it later? Same. 

Today we’re joined by psychologist and Understood Expert Dr. Ari Tuckman for a candid talk about impulsivity, ADHD, and intimacy. We’ll dig into the messy mix of consent, shame, and emotional regulation. And we’ll talk about how to slow down, stay curious, and find self-compassion after a spicy decision. 

Related resources

• Listen: Impulsivity, risky behavior, and obsessions (Chris’ story)

• Listen: ADHD, loving intensely, and impulsivity (Ange’s story)

Timestamps

(02:15) How ADHD-related impulsivity can influence sexual decisions

(08:45) Consent, emotional regulation, and navigating pressure or fear of rejection

(17:30) Differentiating shame from embarrassment after vulnerable sexual experiences

(28:10) Strategies for slowing down and gathering insights from experiences

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org.

Episode transcript

Cate Osborn: Hey, everybody, and welcome back to "Sorry, I Missed This," the show where we talk about ADHD and its impact on all things relationship, intimacy, communication, sex, and more. Today, we are talking about impulsivity and sex. Impulsivity is a symptom of ADHD, and it's really easy to bring it into the bedroom as well. To have this conversation, I'm so excited to welcome Dr. Ari Tuckman back to the show. He is a psychologist, he is an Understood expert. He is also a very good friend of the podcast. If you've ever said yes to a spicy encounter and realized that maybe you said yes a little bit too quickly, this episode is for you.

I don't know about you, dear listener, but I have had some regrettable experiences in my day. And one of the things that brought me into my curiosity around neurodivergency and sex and intimacy was these conversations about consent and regret and saying yes when maybe I should have actually said no. Those moments of regret, those moments of shame, those moments of embarrassment, those have really informed how I think about sex and how I navigate intimacy even today. And so I really wanted to be honest. I really wanted to talk about kind of the elephant in the room, which is that sometimes we do say yes when we mean no. And that can have profound impacts on our life, much more than just the night that it happens, right?

And so I'm really excited about this episode, not only because we are kind of talking about something that can be a little taboo and a little uncomfortable, but we are talking about it through the lens of ADHD and how ADHD can make things so much more complicated. In today's episode, we're going to discuss the difference between shame and embarrassment, how you might be able to slow down and learn from your past decisions, and how to unpack complicated feelings after the fact when it comes to sex and intimacy. And so I'm excited to welcome Dr. Ari Tuckman back to the show to have this fabulous conversation.

Hi, Ari.

Dr. Ari Tuckman: It's good to see you again.

Cate: Yeah, welcome back to the show. Thanks for being here. I appreciate it so much.

Ari: Yeah, of course.

(02:15) How ADHD-related impulsivity can influence sexual decisions

Cate: So, Dr. Tuckman, we're talking about kind of a complex topic today because we're going to be talking about safe decisions around sex. We're going to be talking about impulsivity around sex and how ADHD can impact and affect our decision-making abilities around sex. But right off the bat, the first thing that I want to talk about is how do we have this conversation in a way where we aren't casting judgment, where we're really checking our own internal biases? And I know that like in my training as a certified sex educator, we do a lot of reflection on our own attitudes towards sex and stuff. Do you have any advice just sort of like going into the conversation?

Ari: Yeah, I mean, look, life is hard. Sex is complicated, things get messy, people make decisions that they feel one way in the moment and they feel a different way afterwards. I guess you could live in the basement and do nothing. I guess that's the path of safety, but I think most of us would aspire to greater than that. So look, you will make mistakes, you will do things that you feel differently about afterwards. People around you will also do that. Hopefully, none of it is with malicious intent. It's just a bad idea.

Cate: Something that I find really interesting when we're talking about sex and intimacy is that there's often a stigma attached. And the stigma doesn't necessarily even come from, "Oh, we're talking about sex, how salacious." But it's from the beliefs and the things that have informed us as we grow up. So like for me, for example, I have like a very like conservative religious upbringing. And so there were certain ideals that I was taught about sex and intimacy coming from those worlds. When we're discussing sex and intimacy, we're not just talking about sex, we're talking about a whole collection of cultural ideas and beliefs and what we've been socialized to believe. And do you think dealing with that and then also dealing with ADHD makes that more challenging?

Ari: It absolutely does. I think that for any of us, even if we didn't have as conservative an upbringing as you did, you know, there's still a lot of messy messages that we have in our head. And, you know, as like a wise person sitting calmly in this moment, you could say, "Well, I have these beliefs about sex and I truly do." And also in the back of my mind, in dark moments, there's still like weird thoughts, like they sort of creep in.

Cate: Yeah.

Ari: And I think when you add in that sort of impulsivity piece, it can even more creep in, right? Like you do something in sort of the spur of the moment and as much as anybody might be like, "Ooh, I'm a little embarrassed that that wasn't good." It's easy to sort of hammer on yourself if you've had a lot of those moments and a lot of judgment thrown your way. It just sets on fire all that like old baggage back there.

Cate: Yeah, you don't want a fire in the baggage compartment. That gets dangerous very quickly. That was the funniest joke I've ever made. Let's back it up a little bit. Let's start at the very beginning. So we know that impulsivity is a symptom of ADHD. You know, I can think of a million ways impulsivity impacts my own life, right? There's like interrupting people, difficulty processing emotions, all of that stuff. But how specifically do you see impulsivity impacting us in sexuality, in intimacy in the bedroom?

Ari: Impulsivity is basically like it's leaping without looking. It's acting without pausing. Ding. Hold on a sec, let me think about this. It's easy enough in, let's just say, more boring scenarios, but like sex is pretty pretty high-stamped, right? Presumably, hopefully. So it's that much easier to be caught up in the moment and caught up in what feels good and is exciting or is maybe a little bit risky, which is also exciting, at least up to a point, right? And it's easy to get caught up in it and then just leap a little bit further, you know, like just in that moment, this feels right. Here we go. And then again, afterwards, it doesn't feel the same way.

(08:45) Consent, emotional regulation, and navigating pressure or fear of rejection

Cate Osborn: Yeah. And one of the reasons why I got really interested in the intersection of ADHD and intimacy and relationships is because of the conversations around consent. Because I think consent is obviously of the utmost importance. But consent can be difficult, much more difficult to navigate when you are also balancing emotional dysregulation, when you are balancing impulsivity, when you are balancing hyperactivity. Can you talk a little bit about what you have learned in your research on this?

Dr. Ari Tuckman: Yeah. And you're absolutely right. I mean, consent is so nuanced. I mean, you know this, right? It's not just like, am I, you know, I would like to kiss you. Do you consent to me? Like it is so much more than that. And, you know, I think that where it's hard is that none of us are perfect. And it's sort of like if someone's drunk and under the influence and not really able to make kind of rational decisions, right? We would say like, "Well, okay, their consent is impaired." You know, so like the other person I think has a greater responsibility to not, you know, even if they're saying yes, it's not a true yes, maybe.

Cate: Yeah, exactly.

Ari: And in a similar way, I mean, I don't know what the unintended consequences of what I'm going to say next are. I guess we'll find out is--

Cate: Listen, I know exactly what you're going to say. It's the same thing that I struggle with too when we're talking about this. But please, go ahead.

Ari: Yeah, okay, so I'm gonna jump right in the trap. So if you get caught up in that sort of ADHD impulsivity and you leap into something and you're like, "Yes, I'm in. Let's do this, my friend," and then the other person's like, "Okay, cool, they said yes," right? But I don't know, are they 100%, you know, rational mind, reasonable decision-making position? You know, I mean, not that any of us maybe ever are.

Cate: It's, yeah, it's incredibly nuanced. And then on top of that, there is the added component of rejection sensitivity. There is the added component of emotional dysregulation. And one of the things that I say all the time, like when I'm teaching workshops around the country, I say that if you can't say no, then you cannot give an informed yes. And I watch people's brains explode when I say that. You know, and they're like, "Oh, but I don't want them to be mad at me or I don't want them to think that I'm a buzzkill, you know, XYZ rejection sensitivity-informed thought here."

But it feels kind of in that same vein of that if you are acting from a place of impulsivity, if you are acting from a place of getting the dopamine, it's not necessarily the same thing as healthy consent. But then, but then again, it's that trap of, but then logically, are you saying that like no person with ADHD can give consent? And that's of course not what we're saying.

Ari: Right, exactly.

Cate: But how do you — the internet has killed nuance. And so it's like, how do you have that conversation? How do you teach those skills without inadvertently infantilizing or or being super ablest around these challenges? And I don't necessarily know that I have an answer. I think the only thing we can do is really have conversations like this where they may be imperfect, they may be difficult.

Ari: What do you do? Like how do you, how do you even begin to sort of broach that challenge of informed consent versus the excitement of saying yes?

Cate: Maybe one way I might think of this is if you're doing something with somebody you know and someone you've done something with before, then I do think the other person has some responsibility. If you have knowledge that the person you're doing something with has a tendency to sort of leap ahead and then feel differently about it afterwards, you're not their mom. It's not your job to make sure they don't, you know, do problematic things or do things that they will feel bad about after.

But you are responsible for your happiness. And like doing something that you're going to feel a little icky about afterwards — I mean, sure, they said yes, but also I know how this ends, whether it's sex or like, "Do you want to split french fries?" But there might be an extra wrinkle if you know that the person you're doing stuff with is more likely to feel differently about it afterwards.

Ari: Or knowing that about yourself. So many times on this podcast, we sort of come to the earth-shattering conclusion that the best way to support ADHD is to really know yourself and understand your needs. And I know just speaking from experience, like I have been that person. I have been that person like, "Yes, let's try that like cool, spicy new thing. Yeah." And then I'm like, "Oh my God. Oh my God, I can't believe I said yes to that. I feel weird and now like the relationship dynamic feels funny, you know." But what I had to do is there really has to be that element of self-awareness. There has to be that knowledge of, hey, sometimes I enthusiastically say yes to something and then afterwards I'm like, "Oh, wait, maybe that wasn't good for my back or, you know, maybe that wasn't a healthy choice for me to make."

Cate: And so I agree, like I think that there's a, it's a two-person thing, right? Because it shouldn't be your partner's job to balance that for you. But if you are the partner of someone and you recognize that, then sometimes that extra like, "Hey, are you sure?" Or "Remember you can say no," or like, you know, just like those little moments, those can help.

(17:30) Differentiating shame from embarrassment after vulnerable sexual experiences

Cate Osborn: So something that I want to name directly that I feel like doesn't get talked about a lot is that sometimes we just have regrettable sex. Sometimes it's just a bad hookup or the vibes are off or somebody's in a bad mood or somebody throws out their back or whatever and it's just bad. And then you wake up the next day and you're like, "God, gross," you know? How do we navigate the regret that comes from an actually bad, actually maybe not that great sexual encounter? Not obviously sexual assault, sexual violence is a completely different conversation. But I'm talking about just the like, "Everybody was on board, everybody was consenting, but the sex kind of sucked and now I feel a little bit grungy about it." How do we navigate through those moments?

Dr. Ari Tuckman: I mean, I think some of it is like, okay, wait, what are the lessons learned? Looking back with the wisdom of hindsight, like what did I not pay attention to that I should have? Or how did I set myself up so it was just too damn hard to pull it back in? You know, so maybe some of it is that. I think some of it is that compassion for yourself of like, look, this is a thing that's going to happen sometimes. Not everything works out great. And I don't know, I don't want to say the cost of admission, but this is sort of the cost of admission, right? Of like to have a lot of great sex, sometimes it isn't.

Cate: You got to get those reps in.

Ari: Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Cate: No, I was — I mean, I've had a few. Like, I remember some of the terrible hookups that I had in college. I remember the feeling of like, "Ugh." And then I was like, "Well, I did learn a couple of valuable lessons about what I like, what I like and what I don't like." And at the very least, I've gathered some data. And I've started thinking about a lot of things as gathering data. It's not failure, it's not success, it's not winning, it's not losing, it's just I'm gathering data so I can move forward into this new version of myself that I'm constantly working on, which I don't know, I've found that surprisingly helpful, even around like intimacy, you know, even when I'm like, "Oh, that kinky thing didn't go so well," or whatever. I'm like, "Well, it was data. I know what I don't like now, and that's handy."

Ari: Well, and especially when you're young — I mean, but even, you know, hopefully you keep learning throughout your life. But like, we get good at things by doing them, right? So like to get good at hookups, you're going to have some bad hookups. You know, hell, you're bad at making bread the first times until you get better at it, right? Like it's like anything, you know? Don't do the things that are, you know, like definitely a bad idea. Like don't put yourself into that position. But yeah, I mean, it's just that accepting of like, "Yep, okay, definitely not, not doing that again." You know, learn something the hard way. I might as well get some benefit of wisdom from it.

Cate: And then the sort of follow-up question is the opposite but equal reaction of, "Oh my God, that was the best night that I have ever had. I went full werewolf. I was totally like goddess incarnate." But now it's the next day and like the sunshine has like worn off, the sparkle has worn off, and I'm a little bit like, "Oh man, I showed you a part of myself that I'm not used to showing somebody." And now I'm feeling a little self-conscious, I'm feeling a little vulnerable, I'm feeling a little bit embarrassed. And that can get translated into regret. How can we maybe interrupt that process and say, "Actually, again, that was data. Actually, that was a moment of I was really — I really embraced myself there. I really did something vulnerable and honest there." How do we work on that mindset?

Ari: So I love that you said it can get translated into regret because it can. And that becomes a whole messy situation. But, you know, I think it's again, it's that compassion and it's about recognizing, like, I am multifaceted hopefully, right? And, you know, there's parts of myself I don't bring, you know, to the supermarket. But, you know, in this moment I did bring that. It kind of reminds me, Tammy Nelson, who's a sex therapist and author, presenter, whatever, has a line where she says, "Great sex will leave you feeling a little bit embarrassed afterwards." Because like you you brought a part of yourself to that moment that you don't usually bring to the rest of your life.

And, you know, like you can feel bad about yourself, I suppose, right? That is an option. But I would propose instead that you just say like, "Yeah, that is a part of myself and sometimes under the right circumstances, this comes out." You could feel embarrassed of like, "Ooh, I did this in front of this other person." Or, I don't know, you could be like a total diva and just say like, you know, like, "That bitch is lucky they saw this. They should count themselves, you know, fortunate that they were able to witness this."

Cate: Behold me in my majesty.

Ari: Exactly.

Cate: No, I love that. And so that's why I call it werewolfing because it's like there's this part of you and you're like, "Oh, no." And you're like, "Yeah, no, it's been there the whole time. Full moon, baby, let's go."

Ari: Right. So let's talk about bad feelings, right? And specifically, I want to talk a little bit about shame and about embarrassment because they're two different things. Can you help us understand the difference between shame and embarrassment?

Ari: Absolutely. They overlap sort of, they look alike, but they're not the same thing, right? So shame is an internal feeling, right? It's that feeling of there is something wrong with me. Like I am somehow defective. And that is a feeling one has about oneself. Embarrassment is more about I feel badly or I'm worried about what other people might think of me, right? So it might be I'm completely fine with what I'm doing, but I know you're going to be judgey, so I don't want to tell you about it or I don't want you to find out.

Or it could be, "Ooh, I actually don't feel so good about what I'm doing," right? I have my own shame about it. And you finding out is now even more mortifying. And now I'm embarrassed that others know. And, you know, where it gets a little bit more complicated is it might be a thing that within yourself, you're like, "You know what, I feel okay about this," right? As in like, "I'm okay with being in BDSM or with, you know, having an open relationship or whatever kind of, you know, kinky stuff you like to do." But also you may not want like, I don't know, your grandma and your neighbors to know that you're into it also. So like, you know, you could be embarrassed about others knowing and also feel totally fine with it within yourself.

Cate: Yeah, it's like Shrek, there's layers. And I love that you brought kink and BDSM into the conversation because obviously that's like such a special interest of mine. But I see that so much especially in people who are sort of finding their way to kink is is a lot of times there's a deep internalized shame. There's something wrong with me for wanting this or I'm like this disgusting weirdo pervert. I can't believe I'm into this. Oh, I'm so gross. And there's like this self-punishment and the self-hatred that grows out of those desires. Whereas like the embarrassment of like, yeah, like I like this like weird thing and like you don't have to talk about it on the internet, dear listener. But I think really being able to suss those out and really being able to tell the difference, that's also a really great way, I think, to couch some of that emotional dysregulation and the rejection sensitivity that so many people experience.

Ari: I think there's also like the impulsivity part of this is, you know, like you may do something that then somehow other people find out about, right? You did something in public or somebody talks or, God forbid, someone sends pictures and videos or whatever. You know, it might be that other people then, let's just say, have some thoughts and feelings about it. And I think on the one hand, that kind of rejection sensitivity can make it easy then to go to shame as in like, "Ooh, I did something bad. What is wrong with me that I would do this?" 

But I think it's important to kind of separate out. Is this other person expressing concern for you as in like, "I'm concerned you did a thing that will be bad for you," as in like, "Wait, you had unprotected sex," or, "Wait, you let somebody film you and they put it up on the internet, that could come back and bite you." They're expressing concern for you, or is it a thing that they feel uncomfortable about what you did? Right? It's not their thing or there's something that makes them feel awkward about it. And they're projecting that onto you as in, "How could you, you know, this can't possibly be good for you?" And you're like, "No, actually, this is awesome. Please, can I have more of it?" You know, so being able to separate that out.

Cate: So, Ari, we've talked a lot about impulsivity, we've talked a lot about how it can impact the going in, the making the decision. But I'm curious about afterwards and how we differentiate between the real truth that sometimes stuff is going to go wrong, sometimes stuff is going to be bad, but sometimes it's totally fine, but we're telling ourselves that sort of embarrassing rejection sensitivity story.

Ari: Well, it's sort of this idea of like at my core, how do I feel about this versus is there a part of me that understands society and it is telling me, like other people in my life are telling me I should feel bad about this, right? Because I think that's kind of the thing of it, right? Do I actually feel bad or do I just know that I am supposed to or something? So I think some of it is that. And I think there's also another part that you can feel more than one way about it, right? Part of me feels like this about it, and also there's a part of me that kind of feels like this about it. I'm not entirely resolved to it, but sometimes life isn't fully resolved.

Cate: It is such a powerful thing to take joyful ownership of your pleasure. We so often get told that wanting pleasure or or needing pleasure is something to be judged, something to be embarrassed about, something that can be shameful. But in reality, I think if it feels good and you're having a good time, it is okay to be 100% okay with that.

Ari: But I think there's something to that of like allowing yourself to feel it, allowing yourself to sort of deserve it, I guess.

Cate: Yeah.

Ari: You know, and to not sort of talk it down afterwards or feel guilty about it like, "Oh, that was too much or I was too much or I shouldn't have this or whatever." And I don't know, maybe, maybe it's fine. I mean, anybody lose any fingers or toes, right? Like, maybe it was fine.

Cate: Ari Tuckman, you are an expert at Understood for this very show. You are an author, you are an educator, you do all sorts of amazing things. This has been such a fun episode. Thank you for being willing to have these interesting and spicy conversations with me. I certainly appreciate it. And dear listener, thanks for thanks for being here. End of episode. I'm so good at the closers. You have no idea.

Ari: Right. Straight to tape, just bam, send it out.

Cate: Thank you for listening! Anything mentioned in the episode will be linked in the show notes, with more resources. Have a question, comment, burning story you'd like to share? Email us at SorryImissedthis@understood.org. 

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

Credits

Cate: "Sorry, I Missed This" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis.

Video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Jessie DiMartino. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Production support provided by Andrew Rector.

Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson.

And I'm your host, Cate Osborn. Thank you SO much for listening!

You should use this as the teaser.

Dr. Ari Tuckman: I just, I desperately want there to be like just an outtakes episode where it's just the most unhinged nonsense that goes on behind the scenes.

Cate: Right.