I’m sure my mom has ADHD. Should I tell her?

“Mom, did you hear me?” It’s a phrase I’ve said enough times in recent years that I knew my 67-year-old mom had something going on beyond a hearing issue. But it wasn’t just that — there were many other signs. 

She’d get very annoyed if someone interrupted her train of thought. She had trouble focusing and multitasking. She’d sometimes act without thinking and then apologize later. She felt buried in the clutter of her house, which doubles as her art studio. 

As someone both married to and parenting loved ones with ADHD, I was convinced this is what she had going on, too. But of course, I’m no doctor. Should I tell her what I really think is happening?

It’s complicated.

If diagnosed, my mom would be one of the 15.5 million U.S. adults diagnosed with ADHD. Half of those people received their diagnosis after the age of 18.¹

Researchers say that the rate of ADHD in women is probably the same as it is in men. Yet in childhood, boys are diagnosed about twice as often as girls are.² 

The likely reason is that boys are more likely to have “hyperactive” symptoms. Girls — and women — are more likely to have “inattentive” symptoms of ADHD like forgetfulness and disorganization, which may be harder to notice. So, girls with ADHD are often missed — even into older age like my mother.³ 

Missed or late diagnosis of ADHD can lead women to have mental health problems and low self-esteem. Many blame themselves for their symptoms.³ At least once a month, I talk my mom down from these challenges being her fault. 

Having an ADHD diagnosis comes as a relief to many people, no matter their age. It also opens the door to proper treatments. 

ADHD can show up as inattention, impulsivity, or hyperactivity. But those are only the main symptoms. This condition is all about difficulty with executive function skills. Those include working memory, organization, and managing emotions. 

Some people in my mom’s generation (including some of her friends and relatives) write off challenges in these areas as symptoms of a hard life. Or just part of the natural aging process. 

My mom has also struggled with depression and anxiety — both of which are common with ADHD. She often thinks the problem is a lack of motivation. It makes perfect sense that my mom has never been assessed for ADHD, or even considered the possibility. 

Anytime I hint at it, she dismisses it. To her, ADHD is a diagnosis for antsy young schoolboys who can’t stay in their seats. This is a common — but outdated — belief from her four decades as a teacher. 

The more I thought about how long my mom had her own symptoms, the more stories and details even from her childhood seemed to line up with ADHD.

Listen to stories of older women diagnosed with ADHD in this episode of Climbing the Walls, an investigative podcast about women and ADHD.

Family or friends can often pick up on ADHD symptoms ahead of professionals. In those cases, there are healthy and helpful ways to approach the topic, according to licensed psychologist and Understood Expert Monica Johnson, PsyD.

“Be OK with them rejecting or being defensive in some manner,” she says. “It’s not your job to convince them. It’s your mission to provide them with the information, express your concern, and love them.”

I’m not a trained professional. So I’ve hesitated — for decades now — to bring this topic up. But, as with many tough conversations, I know it’s often loved ones who have to do it. The question is, how?

Saying “Hey, Mom, I think you might have ADHD because X, Y, and Z” would surely lead to a brush-off. “Other potential phrasing seems like it could feel like a personal attack,” Johnson adds.

Johnson suggests writing a script of what you want to say and practicing it before approaching the subject. You can also get feedback from others. 

For example, you might say, “You’ve mentioned before that you’ve always been moody and emotional. Did you know that can be a sign of ADHD?” You might add that you’d read a great article on ADHD and ask if she’d like you to pass it along.

“Do not go into the situation unprepared,” says Johnson. “At times, these situations can bring up a lot of emotions. If you’re unprepared, you may act impulsively, be defensive, or express judgment in a way that you didn’t intend to.”

“The last thing you want to do is evoke shame in the person when you are trying to convey that you are a support for them,” she adds.

You may naturally feel some responsibility for the person you’re supporting, no matter what their age. But you’re not responsible for erasing the stigma of ADHD.

“It’s not your job to change the mind of the entire world,” says Bethany Cook, PsyD, a licensed psychologist who has ADHD and teaches doctoral-level students on the topic. Instead, make education your goal, starting with yourself.

As I started reading up on ADHD, I saw that misconceptions about ADHD run rampant. I live daily with people who are managing the condition, so I thought I understood it pretty well. But I discovered that I still had a lot to learn.

“Take a moment to brush up on ADHD from reputable sources,” advises Cook. “It’s more than just ‘squirrel’ moments or misplaced keys. Knowing the ins and outs will help you come across as informed rather than invasive and help you offer them examples that directly relate to the stuff you’re reading about.”

You might also introduce your loved one to various books or resources on ADHD. “In my work we call it bibliotherapy, but I find it helpful,” says Johnson. 

“I recently recommended a book to someone and asked them to let me know if any of it resonated,” she adds. “Spoiler: It did, and they were able to be exposed to the information in a way that felt nonthreatening and allowed them time to process it on their own.” 

Talking to your older family member about the possibility of ADHD can be tricky under the best of circumstances. These steps can help pave the way for smoother conversations.

Cook recommends keeping track of missed appointments, task-hopping, and other concrete examples. “This can help keep the conversation constructive and grounded,” she says. After some time observing patterns, you can pick the right time and place to share these patterns.

In bringing up these types of concerns with my own mom, I know I might encounter significant traumas from her past. Prior experiences can be tied to some of the behaviors you see in your loved one, according to Cook. 

“Being curious about this person’s experiences will not only be valuable to the conversation but also empowering to the person you’re talking to,” says Cook. For example, you might say, “Sometimes things like focus or forgetfulness can have a root cause. Have you ever thought about why you struggle in this area? Ever considered chatting with a pro about it?” 

With any luck, you’ll find your loved one is open to evaluation, therapy, or other resources. Be the first to offer to help them find and navigate those resources. Just figuring out where to start can feel like a whole job in itself, especially for someone with ADHD.

No matter how prepared you are, this may not be a simple or easy conversation. Be patient and mindful of your loved one’s feelings. Says Johnson, “It can be overwhelming to have someone come to you with a concern like this, because it’s potentially life-changing information.”

As I approach this conversation with my own mom, I plan on coming from a place of deep caring and a hope for a happier life for her. And I’ll move as slowly as she needs me to. 

Telling older parents you think they have ADHD can be difficult. They may have misconceptions about ADHD and dismiss it as being a possible cause of their difficulties. The conversation can also be emotional. But knowing they have the condition may also bring them relief and open the door to treatment.

There are ways to make the conversation both healthy and helpful. The best first step is to educate yourself so you can talk with confidence and give accurate information. 

Other tips:

• Observe your parent’s behavior, so you have concrete examples to share.

• Approach the conversation with love and curiosity, asking questions.

• Offer to help with next steps for getting an evaluation and finding professionals.

Also, be patient as you talk about the possibility of ADHD. It can be overwhelming to get this life-changing information after many years and take it all in.