Why kids act out

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  • Quick tip 1

    Use when-then sentences.

    Be clear about how you expect kids to behave. Use when-then sentences, like “When you speak to me in a calmer voice, then we can talk this through.” This clearly explains what you expect — and the positive outcome that will happen.

  • Quick tip 2

    Try to show empathy.

    Kids often act out when they’re struggling with something and having trouble putting it into words. You can say, “I understand you’re feeling a lot of emotions. I’m not sure what’s happening, but we’ll figure it out together.”

  • Quick tip 3

    Take notes on what you’re seeing.

    Outbursts can seem random. But if you jot down details, you might start to notice patterns. These patterns can help you find solutions. For example, if kids keep acting out when doing schoolwork, it could be a sign to talk with the teacher. 

  • Quick tip 4

    Talk with a health care provider.

    Share what you’re seeing with a doctor or nurse. Talk about whether the acting out is something new or if it’s been going on for a while. Health care providers can also help you figure out if what you’re seeing is typical for kids this age.

Angry outbursts may seem to come out of nowhere. But kids often act out because they’re struggling with something they don’t understand or don’t know how to put into words. 

Here are common reasons why kids act out:

  • Anxiety: Kids often act out when they’re anxious about big changes, like a new baby at home or a death in the family. Smaller things can cause anxiety too, like a test or trouble with a friend.

  • Changes in routine: Kids may respond in anger if they feel like they don’t know what’s happening now or what will happen next.

  • Trouble with self-control: Some kids act out because they struggle to control their impulses. This makes it hard for them to follow directions.

  • Trouble with a school subject: When kids refuse to do schoolwork, that could be their way of saying “I don’t know how to do this.” 

Kids who act out at the end of the day may have spent the school day trying to hide their struggles. They act out to show they’re struggling and can’t find the right words to use. 

Learn more about why some kids fall apart after school. 

Here are examples of what you might see when kids are acting out:

  • Refusing to follow rules, especially new ones

  • Not listening to you or answering questions

  • Making comments that may seem rude or disrespectful

  • Blowing up over what seem like minor things

  • Crying after getting angry

  • Acting in ways that seem younger, like throwing a tantrum

Find out why some kids keep having tantrums as they get older.

When kids act out, it can seem like they’re just being defiant. If the rules are clear, why aren’t they following them? When you try to ask about it, kids may say something like “Why are you asking me these stupid questions?”

But there’s a difference between acting out and defiance. When kids are defiant, they know the rules and make a choice not to follow them. When kids act out, they may be flooded with so much emotion that they aren’t fully aware of what they’re doing or why.

Find out what a child’s anger may be telling you.

Schools have different ways to help with behavior. Many schools use to teach and promote good behavior.

Schools can also tailor support for an individual student. They can do a deep dive to understand what’s causing a child’s behavior. (This is called a .) They can also develop a plan to prevent and stop a child’s misbehavior. (This is called a .)

But sometimes schools can be part of the problem. Maybe one of your child’s teachers hasn’t set clear expectations or isn’t treating kids fairly. Taking notes can help you look for patterns and talk with the school.

Explore conversation starters for talking about behavior challenges with your child’s teachers.

All kids act out from time to time. But if kids are acting out a lot, there may be something going on that they either don’t understand or don’t know how to put into words.

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