By Lexi Walters Wright
Do you and your partner avoid certain topics because the conversation will become heated? Maybe you dread discussing parenting techniques or how much services for your child cost. These tips can help ease tough talks.
Even before you ask to sit down for a talk, remind yourself that it’s all about finding a solution to a problem. And that the solution will likely affect your whole family. So it doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong. What matters is that the two of you are working together to improve things. Also remember that the best and most creative solutions come from embracing different points of view.
Try not to buttonhole your partner when he walks in the door from work or when he’s in a rush. Instead, chat when you’re both at your best. Ideally, try to talk after you’ve both had a chance to unwind and can focus on your conversation. Even if you’ve set up a time in advance for your discussion, it’s a good idea to ask your spouse, “Is this still a good time to talk?” If necessary, find a better time. Your conversation will benefit.
Show how much you appreciate your partner’s willingness to talk about the difficult topic head-on and to work with you to find a solution. Especially if it’s something you in particular want to discuss. You might say something like, “Thanks for talking about this money issue with me. It’s really been weighing on my mind. But I always feel better when we can think things through together.”
This is not the time to bring up your relationship’s ancient history or other problems. But even if you stick to the topic, your partner might not. To keep things on track, you might say something like, “Let’s talk about one thing at a time,” or, “I’d be happy to talk about that issue tomorrow. But let’s work on this problem today.”
Being open is key to making difficult conversations work. And that means truly hearing what your partner is saying when you’re having a discussion. Try to stop yourself from interrupting. Don’t start thinking about your next comment while your spouse is mid-sentence. Stay present and try to absorb your partner’s comments before you start talking. And try to keep from making hasty judgments.
One way your partner will know that you’re really listening is to reflect back what you’ve heard. You might begin with something like, “Let me see if I fully understand what you’re saying….” This shows your partner that you’re truly trying to hear him. Experts call this skill “reflective listening.” It’s useful to keep stressful situations from escalating and help talk people down when they’re getting overly excited or upset.
Nothing kills a productive conversation faster than accusations. Don’t accuse your partner of causing the problem or avoiding the issue. Try not to assign blame. And avoid statements like, “You always do this!” Why? Because if you don’t fight fair, your partner is likely to feel defensive. He may even counterattack. And that will probably shut down your conversation and halt whatever progress you two were making.
Maybe you strongly believe the opposite of what your partner is saying. But is there any crossover in your feelings? Even a little consensus can help you both feel like you’re beginning to contribute to a solution. “I know you think we shouldn’t let Lily play until she’s finished her homework,” you might say. “I agree that her homework is very important, and she needs to get through all of it. I just think it’ll be easier if she gets a break in the middle.”
No matter how hard you try, your discussion may reach a point where it’s too heated to continue. Consider setting up a time-out signal before you start. Or say something like, “Let’s stop for right now,” and set a time to speak again within 24 hours. When you’re both calm, try approaching the conversation once again. If challenges persist, you might want to see a professional like a minister or therapist to help you work through your differences.
Raising a child with learning and attention issues can place a lot of stress on the relationship between you and your partner. Use these ideas to keep your marriage or partnership strong.
Do you handle the majority of activities surrounding your child’s learning and attention issues? Do you wish your partner played a bigger role? Follow these tips for encouraging a reluctant partner to be more involved.
A veteran writer and editor for parenting magazines and websites, Lexi Walters Wright has a master’s degree in library and information science and is proud to serve families at Understood.org.
Reviewed by Elizabeth Harstad, M.D., M.P.H. Jun 03, 2014 Jun 03, 2014
5 Ways a Child’s Issues Can Impact a Relationship
6 Simple Ways to Reconnect With Your Partner
10 Tips for Keeping Your Relationship With Your Partner Strong
11 Tips for Working With Your Ex to Parent Your Child
Ditching Good Cop, Bad Cop: How to Put Up a United Parenting Front
Quiz: Do You and Your Partner Have Compatible Parenting Styles?
What one researcher has discovered about pretend play and executive functioning.
Use this chart to learn the differences between them.
We ask nine questions of this successful author and screenwriter.
These 10 apps could help students take notes and organize them.
Jun 10th at 10:00 am
Dyslexia isn’t a problem of effort. That’s what this dad found out.
Find out who teaches it, how much training they have and which programs they use.
Inspirational quotes from young adults with learning and attention issues about their fathers.
Learn her strategies to ease anxiety related to math issues.
Sign up for your weekly email newsletter, for you and your family.
This email is already subscribed to Understood newsletters. If you haven't been receiving anything, add info@mail.understood.org to your safe-senders list.
Don’t worry—we saved what you wrote.
Sign up to get personalized recommendations and connect with parents and experts in our community.
Only members can view and participate in conversations.
