Self-esteem comes from working hard toward a goal and feeling good about it. So while it’s important to praise your child, it’s even more meaningful if he learns to appreciate his own effort and its result. What you say—and how you say it—can help your child develop this ability to self-praise. Here are some suggestions.
| Type of situation |
You’re tempted to say... |
It’s better to say... |
The self-praise connection |
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Your child shows you something he’s made. But he put in less than his best effort.
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“I love what you painted. The colors you used are great!”
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“That’s a great start.”
“How do you like it?”
“Do you think it’s your best effort?”
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This approach:
- Helps your child reflect on whether his work measures up to his expectations.
- Asks your child to consider how hard he worked and whether he’s proud of the work he’s done.
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Your child downplays his positive actions and his success.
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“Good for you! It is a big deal.”
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“You may not think it’s a big deal, but it was kind of you to stick up for your friend.”
“It sounds like you’re proud. What about this makes you feel that way?”
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This approach:
- Points out what you think is worthy of praise and what you value.
- Asks your child to identify what he’s proud of and think about what he values.
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Your child doesn’t meet his goal, despite working hard.
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“I know you didn’t finish all the books for the reading competition, but you really tried. Let’s go out for ice cream anyway!”
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“I’m sorry you didn’t quite make it to your goal. You got close! Do you feel like you can do it the next time?”
“It’s nice that you enjoyed the books you did read, even though reading can be hard for you.”
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This approach:
- Asks your child to reflect on what worked, not just what needs improvement.
- Helps your child learn to be OK with doing things he likes, but isn’t great at.
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Your child knows he did something well.
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“I knew you could do it!”
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“I’d love to know how you did it! What strategies did you use?”
“Wow, I can see why you’re excited. You worked really hard.”
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This approach:
- Asks your child to examine what he did well.
- Helps your child acknowledge and take pride in his effort and success.
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Your child behaves well.
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“You were such a good boy.”
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“Thank you for focusing/listening/helping/following the rules. I know it took hard work to do that.”
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This approach:
- Gives your child specific feedback.
- Allows him to start self-monitoring and recognize “good” behavior.
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Praise can help motivate your child. But self-esteem comes from working hard toward a goal. It’s important to give your child opportunities to find new interests that he’d like to pursue and work at. Extracurricular activities are one way to do that. You can also help him explore his strengths to find the right activity for him.
