Few kids get through childhood without being rejected at some point. And no one likes it when they’re cut from a team, not invited to a party, or turned down for a date. But rejection can be especially hard for kids with ADHD (also known as ADD). They often experience its effects more intensely and take longer to recover from it.
There’s a term some people use to describe intense reactions to rejection that don’t soon go away. That term is rejection sensitive dysphoria, or RSD. But it’s not a formal condition or diagnosis.
Learn more about ADHD and difficulty handling rejection.
Why ADHD Makes It Hard to Cope With Rejection
Many kids with ADHD struggle with managing emotions. Being rejected can bring up very strong and long-lasting feelings. These might include feelings of disappointment, sadness, shame and regret.
Most kids have ways of making themselves feel better if they’re rejected. If they’re cut from the team, for example, they might think, “The coach said I can try out again in the spring. Maybe if I train every day, I’ll be able to make the team then.”
Read a mom’s description of what rejection sensitive dysphoria feels like.
Executive skills allow kids to come up with explanations for what happened and develop a plan to move on. This kind of thinking helps kids put things in perspective. But kids with ADHD can get stuck. They find it hard to shift their thinking and move on. So, they may become hyperfocused on the rejection, talking about it constantly.
The Impact of Low Self-Esteem
Kids with ADHD often already feel like they’re on the outside. They’re more likely to struggle in school and have social issues—which can lead to poor self-esteem.
Kids with ADHD also tend to be very sensitive and aware that they’re different from other kids. If they don’t get invited to a party, they’re less likely to think, “What a jerk that kid is” and more likely to think, “What’s wrong with me?”
In extreme cases, rejection triggers such painful feelings that kids go to great lengths to avoid it. They might spend a lot of energy pleasing other people, so they won’t be rejected. Or they may withdraw from situations that might lead to rejection, like joining games at recess.
How You Can Help Your Child Cope With Rejection
There are ways you can help your child learn to put rejection into perspective and move past it. Here are some things you can do:
Help your child see different explanations. If a friend can’t come over because he’s playing with someone else, your child may see it as rejection. Help your child understand that sometimes things just happen. Maybe another kid called first. It doesn’t mean the friend doesn’t like him anymore.
Share stories about rejection and getting over it. Michael Jordan was cut from the high school basketball team. J.K. Rowling was rejected by 12 publishers for her first book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. You can also share your own experiences of being rejected and what you did to get over it.
Teach resilience. Help your child come up with a plan to move forward. For example, If your child isn’t chosen for baseball, find another activity to focus on. If he still wants to pursue baseball, develop a practice schedule. If your child’s friend cancels plans, brainstorm who else could come over. These kinds of coping strategies will make your child stronger and more resilient when faced with setbacks in the future.
Seek help. If your child is feeling down for longer than what you think is a reasonable amount of time, or if your child just doesn’t seem like himself, talk to your doctor. Keep in mind that kids with ADHD are more prone to mental health issues. If you see signs of anxiety or depression in your child, there are treatment options.