ADHD and: Self-care

For many women with ADHD, self-care is usually the last thing they think about. It’s hard to focus on taking care of yourself when you have so many things to juggle.

Listen as Dr. Monica Johnson dives into the unique challenges women with ADHD face when it comes to self-care. Find out why it can feel so hard to find time for yourself and how ADHD makes it even more difficult. And get practical strategies for how to reclaim your time and make self-care a priority.

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• How ADHD can affect your mental health

• ADHD symptoms in women

• ADHD and women

(00:49) What is self-care?

(01:45) Types of self-care

(05:17) How to overcome self-care challenges 

Dr. J: You know those days when you really plan to take care of yourself? Maybe you even wrote it down in your planner. But by the time you look up, it's already 6 p.m. and the only thing you've accomplished is your third cup of coffee and emptying your email inbox. Self-care is something that we all know is important, but for women with ADHD, it can be an uphill battle.

This is "ADHD and," where we talk about everyday life and ADHD. I'm your host, Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with people with ADHD. Today we're talking about ADHD and self-care.

Let's talk about what self-care actually is. It's not what you're watching people do on social media. I remember watching a TikTok where a woman had a 30-step process for taking a bath. It was filled with all of these unnecessary products. Let me tell you something. As a lover of a good bath, all you need is hot water and bubbles. Honestly, self-care does not need to involve large sums of money.

Self-care, from my perspective, is defined as a set of deliberate actions that you take to promote and maintain your physical, emotional, mental, and social well-being. It involves practices that address immediate needs and help build resilience against stressors, fostering a sense of balance and overall life satisfaction. By this definition, there are many things that count as self-care, even things that you're probably not even thinking about right now. And I'm going to walk you through a few examples.

The first thing I'm going to mention is physical self-care. So, this is engaging in behaviors that promote physical health, such as eating proper nutrition, getting adequate sleep, exercise, and going to our routine checkups. These actions are linked to improved physical and mental health outcomes. For example, studies show that regular exercise helped to reduce depression and anxiety.

Next is emotional self-care. These are practices that enhance emotional regulation and foster emotional resilience. This includes recognizing and honoring your feelings, seeking support, and engaging in activities that bring joy. Examples can include writing poetry, skateboarding, or even talking to a friend to alleviate psychological distress. All of these things are self-care.

Next is mental self-care. These are activities that stimulate cognitive functioning and promote a sense of accomplishment or purpose, such as learning a new skill, engaging in creative endeavors, or practicing mindfulness. For example, mindfulness meditation has been shown to reduce stress and improve focus. One of my patients has a creative side that isn't satisfied by their work. So, in their free time, they like to bake, do watercolors, and also things like pottery. This is seen as a key part of their self-care.

Next is social self-care. This is building and maintaining supportive relationships that contribute to emotional health and a sense of belonging. For example, spending quality time with a loved one or engaging in community activities can lead to social connectedness and a reduction in loneliness. On the flip side, establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries can lead to healthier relationships and a reduction in overall stress.

Next is spiritual self-care. This is engaging in practices that align with your personal values and provide a sense of meaning, whether that be through religious activities, meditation, or nature appreciation. For example, research suggests that spiritual practices can enhance life satisfaction and coping abilities, whether it's organized religious just practices or going on a hike to connect with nature and your higher self, all of these things are considered to be self-care practices.

The last thing here is professional self-care. This is establishing boundaries, managing workload, and engaging in fulfilling work-related activities in order to prevent burnout. For example, taking breaks during your workday can actually enhance your productivity and your focus. Broadly speaking, psychological research highlights the fact that self-care is not indulgent. In fact, it is necessary for maintaining mental health and preventing burnout.

Studies show that consistent self-care practices lead to improved resilience, better stress management, and overall enhanced quality of life. It's not simply getting your lashes done every two weeks. If you have the funds for that sort of thing, then great, please go do it. However, actual self-care is multifaceted, serves a key role in supporting your overall mental well-being, and again, doesn't require a laundry list of products or money to pay for spa services.

While self-care is essential for maintaining well-being. A lot of people run into barriers that make it difficult to engage in consistent self-care practices. Understanding these barriers can help to identify strategies to overcome them. We are going to review a few of them together.

The first thing I'll mention is feelings of guilt. People often perceive self-care as selfish or indulgent, especially if they're caregivers or lead demanding roles. If you're a woman with ADHD, especially one who's having difficulty managing her symptoms, you may feel like you don't deserve to be taken care of, especially if you fumbled the bag a few times.

Other contributing factors may include societal norms that prioritize productivity over personal well-being and also internalized beliefs that lead us to prioritize other people over ourselves. The impact is that we're reluctant to prioritize self-care, leading to more emotional and physical exhaustion, meaning that we're only going to increase the chances of us not performing as well as we'd like. The solution is to reframe self-care as a responsibility to maintain the energy and capacity to care for others effectively.

For example, there's two things that I do every day, with few exceptions, I engage in some form of movement, whether that be going to the gym or going for a walk or stretching. And after work, I always take at least 30 minutes to decompress from the day. That typically involves watching a familiar comedic show of some sort. And I don't see these things as a nice to have for me. These are mandatory, and I let everyone know, and I block the time I need for these activities.

If anything threatens to encroach on this time that isn't an emergency, or something that I would consider to be an exception to the rule, I maintain that boundary. I would not be able to take care of my patients, my family, or myself if I did not uphold these practices.

The next thing I'll mention is financial constraints. The challenge here is that some self-care practices, like gym memberships and spa treatments, can be very expensive. And as I've already mentioned, a lot of people have a belief that they have to spend money in order to engage in effective self-care. As a result, people may feel like self-care is unattainable if they can't afford certain things.

I want you to keep in mind that there's always going to be some new trending beauty treatment or self-care gadget. The solution here is to emphasize free or low cost activities like hiking, board games, art museums, or connecting with your friends.

Next is technological overload. Excessive screen time and constant connectivity can detract from other self-care practices. Look at your screen time outside of what you need to do for work. If you're spending three, six, or eight hours on your phone or computer, you may be engaging in habits that are actually taking away from your ability to engage in self-care. The difficulty is technology is designed to push your dopamine button, which is difficult to resist as a person with ADHD.

The solution here is to set boundaries around screen time and engage in technology-free self-care. This will help you in the long run. I tell my patients all the time, "If you have four hours for doomscrolling, you can take one of those hours and engage in another activity that would be beneficial for you. If one hour is too much for you, start with 30 minutes. Go for a walk. Work on a puzzle. I don't care what it is, as long as it isn't more doomscrolling."

Next is perfectionism. The challenge here is that perfectionistic tendencies can make you feel like you can't engage in self-care unless it's done perfectly. Setting unrealistic standards for self-care will only lead to avoiding self-care because we feel like we're not doing it right. I've seen videos where people say things like, "This is my self-care routine and they have eight different beauty treatment appointments a month, an 18-step skincare routine each night, and they know their Amazon drivers middle name and astrological sign.

Remember what I said about the 30-step bubble bath? If I had in my head that that was necessary, I would never take a bubble bath. And it's one of my favorite forms of self-care. The solution here is to adopt a flexible self-compassionate approach focusing on progress rather than perfection. If you have a no-step skincare routine and 18 steps is too much for you, perhaps start just with cleaning your face, using a moisturizer, and putting on sunscreen as phase one of building the self-care habit.

Next is difficulty setting boundaries. People often have struggles with saying no, leading to over-commitments and more exhaustion. Contributing factors may be things like fear of disappointing others or a lack of assertiveness skills. This can lead to burnout and or resentment because you're always prioritizing other people's needs. The solution here is to practice boundary-setting techniques and to recognize that saying no can lead to healthier relationships.

It is important for all of us, but especially when you're managing an issue like ADHD, to broadcast what you need. Not only are you working on being a functioning member of your community, your community is here to support you in reasonable ways. As you continue to learn what your needs are, where you need to improve, and where you may need help, you should vocalize those things to your network.

Lastly, I don't want to underestimate other mental health challenges. Conditions like depression, anxiety, or burnout can reduce motivation for self-care. These conditions can lead to feelings of worthlessness, fatigue, excessive worry, or overwhelm. It can all contribute to a cycle of neglecting self-care that exacerbates these very mental health struggles. Here are some solutions.

First, seek professional help if it's needed. I know you don't always have immediate access to a therapist, but if a waiting list is available, please get on it. My practice offers group therapy across the U.S., so don't underestimate group therapy if you don't have immediate access to an individual therapist. Generic information on the internet can only get you so far, and some of us need specific, tailored interventions in order to get over the hill.

While you're waiting or engaging in therapeutic treatment, here are a few basic strategies that anyone can do. First is one thing at a time. Pick one thing like for instance, increasing your water intake and focus on it. There may be a thousand other things that you need to do for your self-care, but that doesn't matter right now. Pick one thing and focus on it.

Secondly, set realistic goals. Even with the example of drinking more water, if you haven't drink a glass of water since the invention of Pepsi, it's unlikely that all of a sudden you're going to be drinking 100 ounces a day. Set a goal and adjust at a realistic interval for you. So, for example, week one, you might have a goal to drink 36 ounces of water a day, and then in the following week you'll increase it by 12 ounces.

Number three is to adopt the mentality that self-care is a habit. It's not a pedicure that you get once every three months. Self-care is a daily practice that involves a wide range of strategies and activities. Let go of a deserving mindset. Self-care isn't something that you have to earn, at least not broadly. I don't earn my movement and 30 minutes of free time every day, it's a prerequisite for daily living.

Now, I may feel like I need to earn $150 massage, but that's because that's a large cost, and I would want to make sure that I could afford that. If I can't, it's not because I don't deserve a massage, it's simply because I don't have the extra funds right now. If I want to have massages to be a part of my self-care routine, I would need to look at my budget and make sure that I had the extra funds, and that I'm not taking away from things like rent or food.

If you find yourself in this scenario, you're not alone. In these conditions, what you want to do is to try to focus on free or low-cost activities, because the majority of self-care does not require a large price tag.

That's it for today. Thanks so much for listening. Please help out your fellow ADHDers by commenting below about the free or low-cost self-care that you engage in. If you enjoyed this episode, please check out our session on Impulsive spending, where I talk about the importance of pausing before purchasing and how to build better financial habits. It's all about balance.

As always, I am wishing you the best on your wellness journey. Don't forget to subscribe to our channel and I'll catch you on the next episode of "ADHD and."

This show is brought to you by Understood.org, a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org.

"ADHD and" is produced by Tara Drinks and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our video producer is Calvin Knie. Ash Beecher is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our audio engineer and music composer is Justin D. Wright. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Dr. J.