ADHD and lying: Why it happens and how to stop

For many people with ADHD, lying isn’t about dishonesty. It’s a stress response. 

Some days your ADHD brain tells a tiny fib just to survive the social jungle. Saying “yes” when you mean “no.” Inventing excuses for forgetting something obvious. Lying isn’t villainy here — it’s impulsivity, executive dysfunction, and a dash of fear.

In this episode of ADHD and, Dr. J digs into why ADHD makes dishonesty feel automatic. Plus clever ways to notice, pause, and try something different in the moment.

• Listen: The noisy ADHD brain — plus ADHD and lying

• Read: Why ADHD lying happens (from ADDA)

Dr. J: Do you ever catch yourself telling a lie, even a small one, because it feels easier than admitting that you forgot something? Maybe you said yes to a plan without thinking it through, and when the conflict pops up later, you scramble for an excuse to avoid disappointing someone.

For many people with ADHD, lying isn't about being dishonest. It's a stress response — a mix of executive dysfunction, impulsivity, and a fear of criticism or conflict. And while it can lead to a vicious cycle of shame and anxiety, it is possible to break it.

So, in this episode, you'll learn about the connection between ADHD and lying, and I'll share strategies that will help you recognize and reprogram that impulse. This is "ADHD And", where we talk about everyday life and ADHD. I'm your host Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with people with ADHD. If you're tired of the anxiety of lying, this one's for you.

So, let's talk about why ADHD leads to lying. ADHD-driven lies don't start with malicious intent. It's often a stress response. The first step to curbing this behavior is to recognize the situations and the stressors that may lead to lying. Let's explore some ADHD symptoms and social scenarios that make the truth feel less than ideal.

The first is impulsivity. Let's imagine that your partner asked you if you picked up the dry cleaning. Before your brain can even check if you did it, your mouth opens up and cheerfully responds, "Yep, all done." This isn't premeditated deception. It's actually your hyperactive impulsive brain jumping the gun. Often, the impulsivity and issues with self-control that are inherent within ADHD can make our mouth move before our brain has time to say, "Hey wait, did we?"

Number two is working memory issues. Here's something wild. Sometimes people with ADHD genuinely don't remember what happened, so their brain just fills in the blanks. It's called confabulation, and it's not intentional lying. It's your brain doing creative problem-solving with missing data.

Studies indicate that working memory deficits are among the most prominent cognitive challenges in ADHD, affecting the ability to hold and manipulate information. When you can't remember whether you fed the dog or if you just thought about feeding the dog, you can run into some issues. Because when you check in with yourself, your brain can go, "Yes, you totally did that." However, those hungry eyes looking up at you would beg to differ.

Number three is the shame avoidance spiral. When you grow up with undiagnosed or poorly managed ADHD, often that means a lifetime of "Why can't you just?" or "If you would only try harder" types of experiences. Because of that, those with ADHD can resort to lying as a coping mechanism to escape the frustration and aversion that comes with these sorts of tasks.

After years of criticism, many people with ADHD develop a defensive lying habit — not because they're dishonest, but because they're exhausted with feeling like failures. Now to be clear, this is not an effective coping mechanism, and we want to use tools. And, as I previously mentioned, this isn't necessarily coming from a malicious place.

04:08 Lying damages trust in relationships and creates an exhausting cognitive load for the person with ADHD.

Number four is time perception issues. ADHD comes with an impaired sense of passing time. So, when someone asks you, "How long is that going to take?" you might actually think, "Oh yeah, it's totally only going to take 20 minutes" when in actuality, it's a three-hour project.

It doesn't feel good to lie, but it's common for people with ADHD as a response to social expectations that neurodivergent brains can struggle to live up to. While the lies are often small, they can have big impacts, which brings us to the elephant in the room — or rather, the trust that is slowly leaking out of your relationships.

Let's be clear. Lying, regardless of intention, damages trust. And trust, once broken, can take a long time to repair. That's why accountability is so important. Having a lack of trust can lead to negative reactions, more lying, low relationship quality perception, and attachment anxiety — all of which adversely affect relationships.

It's a vicious cycle. Lying damages trust, damaged trust creates anxiety, anxiety triggers more defensive lying behaviors. Additionally, engaging in deception is associated with reduced social connection and increased feelings of loneliness. When you're lying, even when it's for "good reasons" or unintentionally, you create distance between yourself and others. You're essentially living in two different realities: the one that you're presenting and the one that is actually happening.

In romantic relationships specifically, lying by omission — which is when someone "forgets" or intentionally fails to mention something important — can be especially destructive. This creates persistent uncertainty, anxiety, and a gradual withdrawal from emotional intimacy. Your partner isn't hurt just because you lied. They're hurt because they're wondering what else you haven't told them, and they're questioning their entire perception of the relationship.

Beyond the relationship damage, dishonesty takes a toll on the person doing it. Keeping track of lies requires working memory, which, remember, is something that is already compromised in ADHD. It also creates additional cognitive load and generates anxiety about being discovered.

It's honestly exhausting. And for people with ADHD who already struggle with emotion regulation, this additional stress can exacerbate symptoms — creating a lovely feedback loop of misery. The negative impacts of lying can intensify the same stress, anxiety, and shame that led to the lying in the first place, making the cycle feel impossible to break.

Okay, deep breath. This all sounds pretty grim, right? But here's the good news. This pattern can be changed. It takes work, but it's absolutely doable and worthwhile to take the time that you're going to need for this.

08:01 Managing ADHD through proper treatment, external systems, and radical honesty helps rebuild broken trust.

The first thing that I'm going to mention is to get proper ADHD treatment. This might seem obvious, but managing the underlying ADHD symptoms is step one. When your executive functionings are working better, you're less likely to end up in situations where lying feels like the only option. Medication when appropriate can also help by reducing impulsivity and improving working memory, making those spontaneous unthinking lies less likely to happen.

At my practice, we offer both ADHD treatment and executive function coaching. Our virtual DBT classes, which teach a variety of skills, including emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness, are available in 43 out of 50 states in the US. You can get more information at KindMindPsych.com. But I want to be clear that ADHD is complex, and sometimes you're going to need consistent support in order to develop the skills and support that you need to manage your ADHD.

Which leads me to number two: choose external systems over willpower. Stop relying on your brain to remember things. Your brain is a beautiful, creative disaster. Love it, but do not trust it to be your only organizational system. You want to use tools — things like a shared digital calendar so everybody knows what's actually happening, visible to-do lists and whiteboards, automatic reminders and alarms, or task management apps with notifications.

This is where accountability comes in. We can't fall back on "My ADHD made me do it" and that be the end-all-be-all of it. We have to adopt a dialectic of "I have ADHD" and "I have to manage my systems so that I can be the best version of myself I can be."

In many healthy relationships, if your partner or family can see that you're actively using systems and tweaking them as needed, it goes a long way when you're rebuilding trust. I say to my patients all the time, "Are they mad at you, or are they mad that you aren't using your systems?" One makes it all about you and now it's a character flaw, whereas the other focuses on the behaviors or the outcome. This isn't about your self-worth as a human being. This is about appropriately using tools based on the challenges that you face.

Number three is to practice radical honesty. This might sound scary, but please hear me out. What if instead of lying about forgetting something, you just told people that you forgot? Saying something like, "I completely forgot about that. I'm so sorry," is much easier to maintain than a complex lie. And it's also true. Research suggests that creating a supportive environment where honesty is encouraged, even when the truth is uncomfortable, can significantly reduce lying behavior.

Number four is the stop skill. Before responding to a direct question, practice inserting a pause. It can be as simple as, "Let me check my notes," "Give me a second to remember," or "I need to look at my calendar." This gives your executive function time to catch up with your mouth.

Number five is repair work. If lying has already damaged your relationships, rebuilding takes time and consistency. Trust is rebuilt through small, consistent actions demonstrating honesty, not just words. This means acknowledging past lies directly and taking responsibility, following through with commitments — remember, you need to be using your external systems — being transparent about your challenges, demonstrating through your actions that you're working on change, and finally, being patient with the process. Trust takes time to rebuild.

And number six is partner or family education. Sometimes the people around you need to understand that ADHD lying isn't the same as intentional deception. When your loved ones understand that your lying about the dry cleaning wasn't you being a jerk but instead your impulsive brain misfiring, they might actually approach the situation with more compassion — though I want to be clear, you're still responsible for working on it. You can share any of the videos that I make here on "ADHD And" or any of the other content at Understood.org.

Here's what I want you to take from all of this. If you have ADHD and struggle with honesty, you're not a bad person. You're a person with a condition that makes certain things harder. But — and this is important — that explanation isn't an excuse to keep doing it. One of the things I love about learning is that it gives you power.

Once you know why your brain does this thing, you can work with it instead of feeling like these things are moral failures. You can build external systems, get proper ADHD treatment, practice new response patterns, and slowly, consistently rebuild trust with the people who matter to you. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Will you mess up? Probably. But is it worth it? Yeah.

That's it for this episode of "ADHD And". Thank you so much for being here, and make sure to comment. I love hearing from you. If you found this helpful, check out our episode on "ADHD and Social Anxiety", where I explain how to navigate social expectations with self-compassion. And make sure to subscribe for more ADHD resources and support like this.

"ADHD And" is produced by Calvin Knie and Alyssa Shea, who also edits the show. Editorial support is provided by Rae Jacobson. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright. Briana Berry is our production director. Jordan Davidson is our editorial director. For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key and Scott Cocchiere. And I'm your host, Dr. J.