Tips from an ADHD Coach: Being told you’re “too dramatic”

Have you been told you’re “too dramatic”? Have people responded to the way you’ve reacted to things with invalidating statements, like “it’s not that big of a deal,” “you’re overreacting,” or “you’re too sensitive”?

This week on Tips from an ADHD Coach, Jaye talks about how ADHD can make it harder for us to manage our emotional responses and how this can create a snowball effect of negative emotions.

• Trouble with self-regulation: What to know

• ADHD and emotions

(00:00) Intro

(00:45) Janice’s quote

(02:50) ADHD and emotional regulation

(06:00) Impulsivity and big feelings

(08:19) What can we do?

(14:37) Recap

(15:55) Credits

We love hearing from our listeners! Email us at adhdcoachtips@understood.org 

Jaye: Have you been told you're too dramatic? Have people responded the way you've reacted to things with invalidating statements like, "It's not that big of a deal, you're overreacting, or you're too sensitive?" How did that make you feel? 

This is "Tips from an ADHD Coach," and I'm your coach, Jaye Lin. Today, we're talking about how ADHD can make it harder for us to manage our emotional responses and how this can create a snowball effect of negative emotions. We're gonna hear from Janice, who shared with us about her experiences having bigger emotional responses than other people thought were appropriate. 

(00:45) Janice's quote

Janice: At work, I was suddenly left out of a project that I had been deeply involved in. When I found out, I got emotional, I asked why, I expressed frustration, and I could tell my reaction was bigger than what they expected. There was another time when a close friend canceled plans last minute. I had been looking forward to it for weeks, and then they brushed it off casually, and I felt really hurt, and when I let them know, they acted like I was overreacting. 

I am glad that I expressed my feelings in both of those situations, but I also recognize that because of ADHD sometimes my feelings are a little bit magnified. I don't just move on from things easily. My brain replays moments over and over and analyzes a lot of the details. So, if something feels unfair or hurtful, I don't just forget about it like a lot other people seem to be able to do. And because I experience emotions intensely, when I finally express them, they might come out stronger than I intended. 

So, at work, one thing they said to me in response was, you're taking this too personally, it's not that big of a deal. And with my friend, it was more like I didn't think it was that serious. They all were apologetic, but I think in both instances, people were taking it back, and they were essentially telling me that my feelings were excessive or unnecessary, even though you know, they stemmed from something that was valid to be upset about. 

No one likes being told that they're overreacting. And then, of course, I ruminated on that too, right? Like questioning if I was really being unreasonable or if they were just uncomfortable with strong emotions. And I think they probably wanted me to shrug it off to just say, "Oh, that's fine, no problem," and move on, but that's not how my brain works. 

(02:50) ADHD and emotional regulation

Jaye: It was pretty hard to write this episode because it brought up so many memories I've had of being told I was too dramatic, or I was making everything about me, or I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be. I've been told this my entire life. And up until my ADHD diagnosis in my mid-30s, I considered this a personality flaw and my emotions to be a liability that only caused me harm. 

But now I know more about how ADHD can affect the way we experience emotions and I not only feel more self-compassion about my emotions but I have also developed strategies that allow me to express those emotions in a more intentional way. ADHD can make it harder for us to regulate our emotions. 

Emotional regulation, working as it should, looks a little like this. Something happens that provokes an emotional response. We got to our car and discovered that someone backed into it and drove away. Our best friend is moving across the country. We got the lead in the school play. The emotional response from that event is then quickly processed into usable data, like what exact emotions are being felt and what it means to feel those emotions in that moment? 

Then a behavior or reaction is made in response to that emotional data, like calling a friend to angrily vent about that jerk that hit our car or jumping up and down and smiling after seeing our name on the cast list. After that, there is a gradual return to a less emotional state, life goes on. This is the emotional regulation process, the way it tends to work for people who are neurotypical, and a lot of it happens automatically in the brain. 

For many of us with ADHD, instead of emotional regulation, we can have emotional dysregulation that can negatively impact our ability to manage the intensity and reactions from our emotions. First off, we can have a disproportionate emotional response to things compared to someone who is neurotypical. So, when that event happens, those emotions can be felt more intensely, sometimes in an overwhelming way. It can also be harder for us to process those emotions, like what emotions we are actually feeling, what it means for us feel that way, and what we wanna do about it.

This inability to process emotions and what they mean can also happen to people who are neurotypical, but they tend to happen in extreme moments, like during a hostage situation or in periods of intense grief. Even neurotypical folk have a hard time sorting through their emotions when it hits them like a ton of bricks. So, it makes sense that this is more common for those of us who often feel that level of emotional intensity. 

Plus, with lower executive function, it can be a lot harder for us to process complex thoughts and concepts. Then, emotional dysregulation can make it harder for us to return to a less emotional state. Life doesn't move on. We don't move. We can replay those memories and emotions over and over again and still feel intensely, even when someone else would have already gotten over it. 

(06:00) Impulsivity and big feelings

This higher emotional intensity means that when we do express our emotions, it can come out more intensely than other people think is appropriate. And if we aren't able to figure out what those emotions are and what it means to feel them, it's also common that the reactions and behaviors we have lean more towards anger and frustration, which often feel like the safest emotions we can display, but also the responses that trigger the most judgment and defensiveness from others. 

The impulsivity that can come with ADHD can sometimes push us to behave and react in ways that are harmful to our relationships with others, our personal safety, and our careers. After all, if we feel strongly about this, we have to do or say something about it. And then what happens? A lot of the time, something similar to what Janice talked about. Being told we're overreacting, that we're being unreasonable, too sensitive, too dramatic. 

Words like these feel invalidating of our experience and our emotions, and sometimes we can dig our heels in and insist that the way we reacted is justified. Or we can agree with them and feel shame about how we reacted and who we are. A more serious consequence can also come from impulsive emotional reactions and behaviors. We can cross the line, end a relationship, get fired from our job, do something that lands us in legal trouble. Et cetera. 

And then we can have an emotional reaction to our impulsive actions. We can feel shame about how we behaved, can feel helpless and out of control of our own lives. Emotional dysregulation can make this feel more intense and overwhelming too, which can lead to even more anxiety, overthinking, shame, and other negative self-views. Many of us do what I did whenever this happened to me in the past. I tried not to think about how I felt and what I did because I felt so terrible every time I did think about it. I tried to suppress and mask my emotions because I couldn't trust them. I couldn't trust myself. 

That also felt terrible, so I tried avoid thinking about that too. But all that avoiding did was make this harmful process repeat itself bigger and more shameful each time. 

(08:19) What can we do?

So, what can we do if we're tired of this roller coaster about our emotions? What can we if we are tired of being told we're too dramatic? The first thing I suggest is to try to show ourselves self-compassion about our emotions. We might not be experiencing our emotions the same way as that person who told us we're making a big deal out of nothing. It might feel like nothing to them, and it feels like a big to us. For both them and us, our reactions are proportionate to our feelings because we are different people with different brain wiring. 

With emotional dysregulation, sometimes we do experience bigger emotions. Sometimes we have bigger reactions. We are not trying to make things bigger than they are to other people. It's genuinely how we are feeling. Acknowledging that sometimes those emotions hit us harder than they do for other people and that those feelings can be harder to understand is a less judgmental way to view our emotional process. Then we can pause before we act on anything. 

When we are in an intensely emotional state, we can have tunnel vision and be much more prone to impulsivity. By hitting pause before do anything, it's more possible for our actions to be more intentional and beneficial toward our overall goals. I usually recommend practicing what we will say to allow ourselves to take a pause from the situation, like saying, "Can we take a break? I might need a breather to figure out how I feel about all of this." 

When we're in a heightened emotional state, it might be harder to come up with the right words to express this. So, figuring out the script and practicing ahead of time can make us more successful in delivering this line. During this pause, I usually suggest starting with calming our nervous systems, like doing breathing exercises and grounding techniques. My favorite breathing exercise is box breathing or inhaling for four counts, holding our breath for four counts, exhaling for four counts, and holding again for four counts before starting over again. 

Box breathing is great because it's very simple to remember and do when I'm in a heightened state, and it's probably kept me from getting fired one or two times. A little physical activity is also good for this. Taking a walk around the block or building can help with calming your nerves. Getting ourselves back to a less intense state can make it a lot easier for us to analyze those emotions, make plans for deliberate actions, and consider our big picture before we act on how we're feeling. 

Then we can try to intentionally recreate the emotional regulation process that neurotypical brains tend to do automatically. Our brains might not be able to do the emotional regulation process instinctively, but if we ask ourselves one small question at a time, figuring it out can be less overwhelming, and the outcomes from our emotions can be more beneficial to us. This starts with analyzing the emotions. What exact emotions are we feeling? 

If this feels hard and overwhelming, I suggest pulling up an emotion wheel. There are a lot of different options. Look for one that you like by doing a Google image search for emotion wheel, emotion wheels make it easier to figure out specific emotions by having us decide between only a few options at a time. Start in the middle and work your way out until you've nailed the specific emotion or emotions you are feeling. Then ask yourself what about the event is bringing up these emotions. 

So, Janice was removed from a project she was deeply involved in. I can't speak to exactly what or why she was feeling, but there are a lot of reasons why she could have had that emotional response. 

She could have felt caught off guard and surprised with a sudden pivot away from the project that she cared so much about. She could've felt inadequate if she thought she was removed from the product because they didn't think she was performing at a high enough level. She could have felt insignificant or powerless if that decision was being made without her input. She could have feel abandoned if she felt like her boss didn't fight for her spot on that project. 

These are just a few possibilities I could come up with, and none of them fit the category of angry on the emotions wheel. But Janice said that she brought up her frustration with being removed from the project, which is in the angry category. Displaying frustration tends to be a bigger emotional reaction towards others than sharing that we feel caught off guard, inadequate, powerless, or abandoned. So, figuring out our exact emotions could make our emotional reactions seem less intense to others. 

Being clear about the actual emotions we are feeling and what they mean, also makes it a lot easier to do the next step, to decide how we want to act. This includes ways we could potentially resolve how we're feeling. Janice might have felt inadequate if she assumed it was because they found her performance to be lacking. That might not even be true. It might be helpful for her to approach the situation with curiosity instead of assumptions. 

She could ask her boss about why the decision was made for her to be removed from the project and get more clarity about the situation. It can be even more important to determine what results we wanna have. Especially in the long term, and what actions we can take to get us closer to those results. 

So, for example, if Janice wants to be put back on the project, she would probably have more success by expressing that this project has been very important to her and she would like to be back on the team instead of confronting them with her frustrations about being removed. And if she wants to have a long career with her boss supporting her, she might wanna have a more polite conversation about her career goals and the role this project plays in it. 

Without taking the pause to do all of that, it can be easy, instinctual even, for our reactive responses to be bigger than what people are comfortable with, which can potentially lead to them viewing us as needy, insecure, defensive, and high-maintenance. These reactive responses also tend to be unproductive toward our overall goals, leading to results we don't want and a higher distrust in our emotions and ourselves. 

By taking that pause to calm down our nervous systems, identify the exact emotions we are feeling and what made that trigger bring up those emotions, determine what our goals are, and figure out how we can get closer to those goals, we are more likely to get what we want from our emotional responses and feel a lot better about feeling our emotions. 

(14:37) Recap

It's common for those of us with ADHD to be told we're too dramatic, we're overreacting, or it isn't that big of a deal, because emotional dysregulation can make us experience emotions at a higher intensity and make it harder for us to analyze what those emotions are and what they mean. This, paired with an impulsivity to do something about those emotions, can result in actions that seem inappropriately intense for other people and lean toward anger and frustration, which might not even accurately describe the emotions we are feeling. 

This negative feedback and shame about our actions and emotions can create an emotional response in the aftermath of our emotions, which can create more shame and distrust in our emotions and ourselves, which can amplify our emotions going forward. But if we acknowledge that we are experiencing our emotions differently than others might and take a pause before we act on these emotions, we can have more deliberate and successful actions instead of impulsive reactions. 

During that pause, we can calm our nervous systems by doing breathing and grounding exercises or by taking a walk. Then we can figure out what exact emotions we are feeling and what those emotions are trying to tell us and make a plan for what actions we can take to get us closer to our overall goals. By doing this, we can make our emotions tools for us to use in our decision making instead of feeling distrustful and helpless with our emotional process. 

You've been listening to "Tips from an ADHD Coach" on the Understood Podcast Network. You can check out the show notes to find links to anything mentioned in the show and more resources. 

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give. 

"Tips from an ADHD Coach" is produced by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Jesse DeMartino edits the show. Video is produced Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright. Samiah Adams is our supervising producer, Briana Berry is our production director, and Neil Drumming is our editorial director. For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Jaye Lin. Thanks for listening.