ADHD and: Asking for help

Join health and science journalist Danielle Elliot as she investigates the rise of women recently diagnosed with ADHD. Listen to Climbing the Walls now.

For women with ADHD, asking for help can feel really hard, even when they need it. The pressures to be perfect and the fears of being judged can make staying quiet feel much easier. But reaching out can open the door to real support and relief.

Listen as Dr. Monica Johnson breaks down why asking for help is especially tough for women with ADHD. Then get her advice for ways to break the cycle, get the support you need, and how to feel less alone in the process. 

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(00:42) Why asking for help is a challenge for women with ADHD

(02:58) Strategies for asking for help

Dr. J: Have you ever stared at a mountain of laundry, dishes, and emails, knowing you need to tackle it all, but you just don't know where to start? You tell yourself that you're gonna get to it, but it never seems to shrink. And then you finally hit that wall where reaching out feels like a major burden.

This is "ADHD and," where we talk about everyday life and ADHD. I'm your host, Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with people with ADHD. Today we're talking about ADHD and asking for help.

So, why is asking for help such a challenge for women with ADHD? Navigating ADHD symptoms, especially struggles with executive functions such as planning, organizing tasks, managing time, and initiating actions, can quickly lead to overwhelm and frustration. Everyday responsibilities may become daunting, leading to a cycle of anxiety, procrastination, and self-criticism.

When someone is overwhelmed, it becomes particularly challenging to clearly recognize the severity of their difficulties or pinpoint what support is actually needed. ADHD related executive dysfunction can also impair self-awareness, making it harder to accurately assess when outside help would be beneficial. Additionally, initiating requests for help require executive functioning skills, like organizing your thoughts, clearly communicating needs, and overcoming feelings of hesitation or shame, which are precisely the skills that ADHD often compromises.

This can create a barrier where individuals delay or avoid reaching out, further compounding their stress and sense of isolation. Perfectionism can intensify these difficulties, setting unrealistic expectations that can lead to a mindset where you feel like you failed if you can't do everything independently. This mindset feeds into feelings of shame, creating emotional barriers that discourage seeking help. Shame in particular can deepen isolation, making people reluctant to admit struggles or appear vulnerable, thus preventing them from reaching out even when support is crucial.

So, it's not just about the tasks themselves, it's about how ADHD impacts your perception of asking for support. You may be wondering how you can break this cycle and get the support that you actually need. Let's talk about some simple strategies for asking for help that feel empowering, not overwhelming.

The first thing I'm gonna mention is simplifying tasks. Use tools like to-do lists, planners, or apps to break down larger tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. This makes it easier to ask for help with specific parts of a task instead of feeling like you need to do everything yourself. A secondary impact is that if you have a deeper understanding of the task and what elements you can or cannot do, it's easier to take responsibility for the parts that are within your current capacity and delegate those that are not.

This way you don't feel like you're haphazardly dumping things in another person's lap. You're legitimately asking for your needs. The more you understand what those needs are, the more clarity you can have when making a request from another person. The next thing that I'm gonna ask you to do is to shift your mindset. Asking for help isn't a weakness. It's a way to prioritize your well-being and get things done more effectively. Remind yourself that you can't do it all alone, and that's OK.

I would even go further as to say, if you could do it by yourself, why would you? If you're legitimately taking responsibility for the things that you need to do, why wouldn't you get support from others if it's reasonable and available? Here's an example of what I mean. I had a patient who lost her mother and was juggling a lot of things. She was working full time, trying to support an ailing family member, and then on top of that, she had her own personal health issues, was trying to maintain her relationships, planning a wedding, etc.

She was in the process of going through her parental home to decide what to donate and what to keep, that sort of thing. At a certain point, it became too much. She could technically do it all by herself. But she was feeling unmoored. We broke down what was getting in her way of asking for help, and I'll outline some of the steps that we took below.

Number one is to identify and challenge negative thoughts. I want you to recognize automatic negative thoughts such as "I should be able to handle this all myself" or "I'm weak if I ask for help." One of the ways that you can practice this is by writing down these thoughts, and then you can challenge their validity by asking questions like, "Is it realistic to do everything alone?" Or "Would I think less of someone else if they asked for help?"

The second thing here is cognitive reframing. So you want to replace negative self-talk with more balanced, supportive talk. A way to do this is to shift thoughts from, let's say, "I'm failing if I can't manage alone" to "Everybody needs help sometimes. And that's not a weakness."

Number three is self-compassion exercises. You want to counteract perfectionism and shame by cultivating kindness towards yourself. So, when you're experiencing hesitation or guilt, consciously practice affirmative statements like "It's OK to need support" or "Asking for help makes me resourceful." Once you've shifted your mindset, now is the time to practice asking for health. Whether it's asking for assistance with a household chore or seeking advice from a colleague, practice asking for help in low-stakes situations to build confidence.

I'm gonna encourage you to engage in behavioral experiments. So you want to test assumptions through small, manageable steps and practicing seeking help. In many of these situations, people assume that others won't want to help, will feel burdened, or will judge them negatively in some capacity. Something I remind my patients of all the time is that when someone really cares for you, they want opportunities to show up. When you don't provide them with reasonable ways to be there for you, you're not only taking away from yourself, but from them as well.

I have people in my life that I love, and if they're struggling, it makes me feel good to know that they see me as a reliable and supportive person. Now, to practice this, start by asking for assistance with low-stakes tasks. Observe the outcome, note positive responses or feelings of relief.

The next thing here is breaking tasks into small steps. You want to clearly outline the smaller steps involved in asking for help to minimize overwhelm. Now, I can already feel your judgements. I have so many people when I suggest things like this, say stuff to me like, "This is silly. I should just be able to ask." What is hard for you is hard for you, and the judgment only adds weight to something that is already too heavy. Take a breath and break it down. When you were learning how to tie your shoes, it was a 32-step process enacted by your parents. Now it's a big nothing burger to you. This will eventually become the same thing, or at least a lot closer to it.

So, what I want you to do is to break down the action. For example, identify who to ask, write out the request, and then schedule when you're gonna reach out. If you follow these types of steps systematically, it will lead to lower anxiety over time. Next is role-playing and rehearsal. So, you wanna practice asking for help in a safe environment, like in a therapy session or with trusted friends. To practice this, you wanna script out what you'd like to say, and then role-play the interaction. Truly pretend like you're an actor and your life is the play. Rehearsal will make a big difference on opening night. These actions build confidence and again, will reduce anxiety.

The last thing I want to talk about is exposure and desensitization. You want to gradually increase exposure to situations requiring help to lessen fear or shame over time. You do this by regularly asking for help in increasingly meaningful situations to build comfort and normalize the practice. So you may start with asking someone to get you a glass of water, next by asking for a ride and so on and so forth. The goal here is to consistently challenge yourself until asking for helps is like tying your shoes.

We as a species, we're never meant to do it alone. We aren't the strongest or the fastest. And while our intellect can give us an advantage, we can also use those very same brains against ourselves. We can intellectualize away all of our humanity and lead ourselves to believe we are here for no other reason other than to produce, perform, and procreate. We all have strengths and limitations. None of this makes us weak. As taught to me by one of my favorite childhood programs, "Captain Planet," with our powers combined, we can change the world. The power is ours. And it expands exponentially when we offer and receive help from others.

Asking for and receiving help makes us stronger. Offering and giving help makes us and the world better. It's a win-win scenario. Do yourself and the people around you a solid and reach out.

Thank you so much for joining me in this episode. And if I can be of any help, let me know in the comments. If there's a topic you'd like for me to cover, I would be happy to assist. Also, for fun, look up "Captain Planet" and let me know which one of the planeteers that you identify with. If you enjoyed today's episode, check out our episode on ADHD and the fear of failure, where I explain how the general fear of failure is even more pronounced in women with ADHD. That's it for "ADHD and," and I'll see you in the next one.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org, a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org.

"ADHD and" is produced by Tara Drinks and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our video producer is Calvin Knie. Samiah Adams is our production manager. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our audio engineer and music composer is Justin D. Wright. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Dr. J.