Tips from an ADHD Coach: Needing perfect conditions to get started

Do you find yourself holding off on starting something because you’re waiting for the conditions to be perfect? Do these perfect conditions ever happen? 

This week on Tips from an ADHD Coach, Jaye talks about how sometimes with ADHD we put off something we think is important, because we’re waiting for a perfect solution, or perfect conditions, which may never come. Listen for some tips to jumpstart yourself, even when it doesn’t feel like the perfect time.

Have a challenge you’d like Jaye to talk about in an episode? Email or send a voice memo to us at adhdcoachtips@understood.org.

• ADHD and: Procrastination

• How to get motivated with ADHD

(00:49) Listener Leanne’s email

(01:49) Going through Leanne’s valid challenges

(03:46) Inability to get started because of too many barriers to be successful

(04:46) ADHD factors that make us feel like we need perfect conditions to do something

(08:19) What can we do when we get into this perfectionist trap?

(13:12) Recap

Jaye: Do you have a hard time getting started on a new habit because there are a lot of factors that can keep you from doing it consistently? Do you find yourself holding off on starting because you're waiting for conditions to be perfect? Do those perfect conditions ever happen? How do you feel about yourself in the meantime?

This is "Tips from an ADHD Coach," and I'm your coach, Jaye Lin. Today we're talking about how sometimes with ADHD, we put off starting something we think is important because we are waiting for the perfect solution or perfect conditions, which may never come. The following is an email we received from a "MissUnderstood" listener about a challenge she's facing.

Leanne: Hi, Jaye. I'm struggling with finding the time to walk my dog between having a four-year-old who can't be left alone but is difficult to take along because it would be all about his demands. Canadian weather patterns, guilt going out in the evening because I haven't seen my husband all day at work, going at a reasonable time when it's safe to be out as a woman and getting bored doing the same walk every day, though not wanting to drive anywhere far to get there because it adds to the time commitment.

We have walking path options that are lovely and I could definitely have pockets of time which often get killed by phone scrolling. And I do love doing it once I get out there. Anyway, my dog is getting overweight and I'm feeling guilty but still haven't found something that works for us. Thankfully, we have a large backyard, but still, ideas? Thanks, Leanne.

Jaye: I'm a single woman who has to take her dog out for walks in an urban city with a busy schedule that varies from day to day. I hugely resonate with this struggle. So, thanks, Leanne, for writing in with this challenge. All of the reasons Leanne listed for not being able to take her dog out for a walk are valid. Her day is extremely busy, especially with a four-year-old child. I've lived in the Pacific Northwest and there were many days where it was too icy and cold to safely take my tiny Yorkie out for a walk. So, I can imagine weather is a huge factor in a place with harsh weather conditions for longer periods of time.

She only gets to spend time with her husband when he's home from work and taking her dog out alone means time away from him. Going out alone with the dog is not always safe at all hours as a woman. Driving somewhere adds more time to the dog walk commitment, and that's time she doesn't feel like she has. But doing the same walk every day feels like it could get boring. She can't leave her son alone at home, but it becomes a much bigger task when she brings her son with her.

Yes, these are all valid reasons why it's a complex struggle to take her dog out for a walk. And if those barriers didn't exist, it would be much easier to take her dog out for a walk at the same time and in the same way every day. If she lived where I do now, in sunny Los Angeles, there wouldn't be as many weather restrictions. If she was single and childless, like me, she wouldn't have to split her focus and do as much preparation for the walk.

If she lived in a neighborhood like the one I used to live in, where going out for a walk alone in the middle of the night felt safe to do, she would feel more comfortable going later at night, like when her son is asleep and her husband is home. Other people in other circumstances can do what she wants to do easier, and it can be hard for her to get started because when she thinks about doing it, she can see all these barriers that would get in her way.

And this isn't just limited to dog walking, by the way. Inability to get started because it feels like there are so many barriers to being successful is a regular challenge I see with my clients and with myself. Sometimes it's that we want to get more active, but we don't have the right exercise clothes or the class we want to take is too early in the morning or we don't have the time to do all the showering and extra laundry after intense workouts.

Sometimes it's that we want to save money by cooking instead of getting takeout, but it should be all fresh produce and meat, and we don't have the time or energy to do all of that prep work. And then we end up wasting food when it starts to turn. Or cooking takes too long and we're starving when we get off of work. Or we want to make really exciting recipes but don't have the energy to do it most nights. You see the parallels with Leanne's dog-walking dilemma, don't you?

Feeling the need for perfect conditions is something extremely common with ADHD. And ironically, it's because of a perfect storm of ADHD factors. One, our brains get a boost of dopamine when we're brainstorming and optimizing. And as you may already know, dopamine makes us feel good. So, we have been conditioned to brainstorm and optimize instead of just doing.

Cooking a simple dinner without thinking about it too much tends not to feel as good as figuring out what we can make that will taste the best, that will totally hit the spot, and will get us lots of compliments. After a lifetime of wanting to come up with the best option possible, sometimes we only want to put in effort when we're doing that perfect solution. But barriers might come up while we're brainstorming, and they put cracks into our perfect solutions.

Like maybe I decide what will hit the spot for dinner right now is red curry chicken, but I discover I don't have any chicken or coconut milk, but I'm hungry right now and feel like there isn't time for me to go to the store for more ingredients. So, now I'm optimizing for what I already have in the house and decide to make spaghetti and meatballs. But maybe a part of me is not thrilled about the spaghetti and meatballs because I already established I want curry. What then?

There seems to be no perfect thing for me to make because I want red curry chicken, but I don't want to go to the store. I can make the spaghetti and meatballs and feel unfulfilled because I want the red curry chicken. Or I could go to the store and feel unfulfilled because now I'm really hungry and food isn't even close to being ready. So sometimes when we optimize and find what we think is the perfect solution, it can be a bummer because current conditions don't make it easy.

I have a feeling that this is happening with Leanne as well. When she was trying to figure out what she could do to walk her dog more, optimal solutions kept coming up, but then they would each get disqualified for not being perfect. Would she feel like any of these solutions is the right one? Would she feel good enough to get the ping of dopamine from walking the dog with any of these solutions if she feels like all of these solutions are flawed? That's the question, isn't it? And that brings me to the next ADHD factor: All-or-nothing thinking.

We ADHD folk all tend to go big or stay home figuratively, and I guess sometimes stay home literally. Either we are cooking the food we get cravings for on a daily basis or we are not doing a good enough job cooking, and as a result, we don't have the motivation. Either we are going to walk the dog every day in a safe, exciting, low-stress way that doesn't take away from our responsibilities and or time with our family or why bother? It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud like that, but our brains really do think that.

The last ADHD factor is emotional dysregulation, which can make our emotions feel bigger, harder to interpret, and harder to move past than our non-ADHD peers. This is what can make me feel like the night is ruined if I don't have the ingredients on hand for red curry chicken. Emotional dysregulation can make the guilt and shame feel extra bad, which can create even more resistance to getting started. That extra bad feeling shame can make us not want to think about it when the guilt about not taking the dog out for a walk creeps up on us.

So, what can we do if we find ourselves in this perfectionist trap that blocks us from getting started? The first thing I suggest is to do the best we can to let go of the notion of a perfect solution. Seriously, having one solution that works for all parameters in our lives typically doesn't exist unless we have a completely open schedule and no obligations. And with ADHD, this doesn't ever exist in the long term.

Most of us with ADHD always want to do more. If there's a period of time coming up when we're expecting to have a ton of free time, a lot of us have the tendency to add more to our to-do list, commit to more projects or social events. Make plans for a new habit or hobby, etc. and find that we are just as busy and stressed when that time comes. It's inevitable for us to do a lot with our time.

But while being overly stressed and ambitious with our days can wear us down, with a little intentional planning, maintaining a busy schedule can have a positive effect on our mood, motivation, and dopamine levels. Which brings me to the second suggestion: To Tetris our intentions into the day we have. Do you know when we tend to get the most things done? When we have a lot to do and just enough time to do all of it. The consistent levels of adrenaline and determination bring us to a higher stimulation point that gives us motivating energy and a more clear mind.

I'm not saying to overschedule because that would make us feel stressed out and behind. But knowing that I have only 30 minutes between meetings, which is enough for me to have a bathroom break and take my dog out for a walk is more motivating than pressuring myself to take my dog out any time this evening. Make sure to reflect on how long things actually take when you're doing them so you can more accurately Tetris your day instead of packing too much in.

The third thing is to embrace persistence over consistency. I know all the dog behavioralists say to create a consistent routine for dogs so they eat, walk, and do all those other things all at the same time and place every day. But we have to do what works for us. And honestly, my dog gets just as bored as I am doing all the same things the same way every day. If it's important for us to take the dog out for a walk every day, that is the first priority. If doing it at different times of the day in different locations would make it more likely for us to do it on a daily basis than having to do it exactly the same way every day, then that's the best choice for us and our dog.

Switching it up relieves the pressure on all of these barriers. Yes, going out for a walk alone with her dog instead of spending time with her husband when he's at home is not ideal. But doing that once a week isn't going to damage their marriage at all. He might even appreciate some calm decompressing time alone after work. Or maybe her husband also wants to spend time with the dog and he would like to take the dog out for a walk every once in a while. And maybe on days when the sidewalks are too cold and icy for a walk, she can take the dog for an indoor walk, like at a dog-friendly store. Usually, hardware stores allow dog walking.

Yes, driving out for an indoor walk adds time to the task, but doing it every once in a while is not going to take too much time out of the week's productivity. Taking the dog out for a walk with her four-year-old is a big to do, but once a week could make it feel like less of a chore and more of a family outing. If we aren't committing to doing the same thing every single time, suddenly the barriers don't affect the outcomes that much. I suggest figuring out the parameters ahead of time so the options are laid out for you when decision-making needs to happen, since it can be taxing on our lower executive function.

So, having the option of drive to the hardware store as an option when it's too cold outside or take the dog out after the husband gets home, if he wants a little time alone to decompress or family nature walk as an option for a wide open weekend. And when she's doing one of the walk options, you know what's one of the best things she can do? Congratulate herself. Tell herself "Good job" for taking the dog out for a walk that day. That acknowledgment that we are doing what we want to intentionally do gives us a boost of dopamine that motivates us to do more of it.

And if she's switched it all up all week and created a streak of two days, three days, four days, congratulating herself each time she hits another day on that streak, gives her more dopamine to continue. So, go ahead and feel good about starting the streak. Just keep acknowledging the streak every day, even if it's a big one. And if the streak gets broken, don't be upset. It's just a short break. Feeling bad about breaking a streak only hurts our persistence because it feels like a failure.

I consider getting back into the rhythm to be worth just as much congratulations because we're not trying to gatekeep feeling good. We're trying to continue doing the thing we want to do. And for Leanne, the goal is to take her dog out for walks more often. That can be done many different ways at many different times. We don't have to box ourselves in.

ADHD can sometimes make us gravitate toward perfectionism. Before starting on a new habit, because we tend to get a lot of dopamine from brainstorming the most optimal solution. But with ADHD, we often don't have perfect conditions because we tend to keep our schedules and interests pretty tightly packed. So, it's hard for any one solution to be perfect, resulting in bad feelings that only get amplified more with emotional dysregulation.

But we can switch up the solutions for doing things on a regular basis, which not only keeps it exciting, but also takes the pressure off of the barriers to doing these habits on a daily basis. And we can congratulate ourselves when starting and continuing a streak because the dopamine from doing so will help us continue on because the goal is to continue and that's how we can do so.

You've been listening to "Tips from an ADHD Coach" on the Understood Podcast Network. If you have a challenge you'd like me to talk about or would just like to say hi, you can email us at ADHDCoachTips@understood.org. You can also check out the show notes to find links to anything mentioned in the show and more resources.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.

"Tips from an ADHD Coach" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ash Beecher is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director, and Neil Drumming is our editorial director. For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Jaye Lin. Thanks for listening.