Sorry, I Missed This: ADHD gaslighting and chasing new relationship energy (Reddit Reactions)

As we know, Reddit is full of messy love stories, and we have thoughts. 

From gaslighting and age gaps to the weird magic of “new relationship energy,” we read posts that make us laugh, cringe, and wonder — can memory be used as a weapon in a relationship?

• Listen: ADHD and dating

• Listen: Is it love or is it dopamine?

Cate Osborn: Hi everybody, welcome back to "Sorry I Missed This." I'm joined today by our fabulous, amazing, talented, the most coolest, most bestest producer in the whole world, Jessamine Molli. Hi Jessamine!

Jessamine Molli: Hello! Welcome back to Reddit reactions.

Cate: So, here's how the Reddit reactions work. I have not seen these Reddit posts that Jessamine has pulled, and so Jessamine is going to read them, and then we're going to react to them. And that's basically it.

Jessamine: And we decided a theme for this one. We wanted to do a "bummersode."

Cate: Okay.

Jessamine: This one is romantic relationships, but like, you're going to be like, "Oh, okay."

Cate: I can be emotionally prepared for that.

Jessamine: Here's the first bummer Reddit post that I wanted to bring to you. It's called "My boyfriend is weaponizing my own diagnosis against me, I think."

Cate: Oof, okay.

Jessamine: I, 21 female, have been with my boyfriend, 28 male, for a little over two years. I know the age gap is going to be brought up in discussion, and I'm not going to say anything in defense in that regard because it is definitely questionable, and I won't deny that.

Within the past year, I've been diagnosed with OCD and ADHD. My boyfriend doesn't know anything about mental health due to his upbringing, and I try to be patient with him when I explain the ways that my disorder symptoms affect me, and also acknowledge how my behaviors affect our relationship.

For example, I have an absolutely abysmal short-term memory, which is an annoying thing for my partner to deal with. The thing is, though, I think he's using my admittance of my bad memory as a means of gaslighting me.

And it has happened a few times. One example is that we got into an argument on New Year's Eve when we were both supposed to go to a party. He ended up staying home and I went out. A few weeks later, we got into another argument and during that conversation, he claimed that on New Year's Eve, he told me he was sick and asked me to stay home with him and I didn't.

I told him I don't remember saying that at all, but he insists it's true. This sort of thing has happened three to four times over the past few months. I do often forget things in the moment, but when someone reminds you of them, I immediately remember again.

Aside from the past few months with him, I've never experienced the kind of memory issues where even upon being triggered, I am unable to remember certain conversations or things like that. In fact, since starting a higher dosage of my medication, I would say my short-term memory has actually gotten better.

So, there are two possibilities and they're both bad. The first is that my memory issues are progressing rapidly with unknown cause. The second is that my boyfriend found a really convenient way to gaslight me into thinking I'm both crazy and a bad girlfriend.

And I'm leaning towards the latter. The thing is, he will literally never admit if he is gaslighting me, obviously. So, it's pointless to keep confronting him about whether or not he's telling the truth. And it's hard for me to be confident in myself as it is, especially when it has to do with memory. I'm on the verge of tears writing this. I keep getting the feeling that something in my life is terribly wrong and I am just so lost.

Cate: Oof, God, that's so hard. Immediately my reaction is: get out of that relationship. Which, I feel bad just being like, "Immediately leave," but especially if you know that your memory issues are not causing you blackouts.

Because a lot of times with ADHD and memory issues, it's working memory, it's short-term memory, but it's memory recall, right? So you forget that you did the thing or you forget whatever, but when someone reminds you, it's exactly what this poster is describing where it's like, "Oh, yeah," and so the context affirms the memory.

And so this idea of like — there's this gap in my memory and I just don't remember that you said that thing — that to me really feels like this boyfriend is exploiting that in a way that is manipulative and shitty.

And the other part of it is that it also seems like this is not an issue that she can bring up safely. She doesn't feel safe having this conversation with the partner saying, "Hey, you are creating this environment where I don't feel like I can talk to you, I don't feel like I can speak with you truthfully about how I'm feeling because you are going to deny it."

(04:36) DARVO and how memory issues can be exploited in unhealthy relationships.

Cate: It's DARVO, D-A-R-V-O, which is Deny, where the abuser is like, "No, that never happened. You're misunderstanding me." And then Attacking, where the abuser attacks the person bringing up the behavior, like, "No, it's your fault, you're the bad person."

So then Reverse Victim and Offender is the last part. The abuser then is like, "No, I'm actually the victim and you're the problem, and your memory issues are affecting me." And I'm not saying that's — like, you know, it's hard to say that from one Reddit post — but it sure does sound like a lot of those factors are in play.

I see this a lot. I see memory being brought up a lot in relationships with ADHD where maybe they are not the healthiest, because if you know that your partner struggles with working memory, that is such a convenient way of always manipulating the situation so that you're in the right.

Jessamine: Yeah, and I'm encouraged by the tone of this post, which is like — first of all, identifying most of that, you know? — and saying, "I think this is what's happening and I know that's bad if that is." So I hope that this post was just a way for that person to process. What's like the top comment? Do you have it?

Top comment is: "He doesn't sound great, hon."

Cate: Yeah.

Jessamine: "He might be what's terribly wrong. You're 21, the world is your oyster. Do you want to be with this nearly 30 mean guy for the next 10 years and then try to find someone better when you're 31?"

Cate: Yeah. She specifically mentioned the age gap, and I don't know, I feel like age gap gets difficult to navigate because there are some people who just work really well together. But it is also very true that sometimes manipulative, predatory people will pounce on a younger partner because they are easier and they are less experienced in the ways of the world. I don't know, he doesn't sound great, hon. I retweet that comment.

Jessamine: So that was definitely a bummer. Hopefully, though, the fact that they're identifying this and coming to the internet to be like, "Am I right?" and checking their gut is good.

Cate: Yeah. One of the things that I like so much about these online communities is that a lot of times it is that you know. You already know. You just need to see it written out by somebody else who's not you, that like, "No, you're not crazy."

(08:31) The link between learning disabilities and a perceived need for relationships to gain social acceptance.

Cate: And I feel like this is going to be a theme for a lot of these today, but it's one of those things where if a friend came to you and told you this story, what would you say? Would you look at that friend and be like, "No, you're probably going crazy"? It's trusting yourself, and which we don't excel at as ADHDers, but I think that it sucks that somebody takes advantage of that.

Jessamine: I agree. All right, want to do the next one? Our next bummer post, here we go. It's called, "I don't care about being unlucky in love, I care about being socially rejected."

"In my mid-30s, still unlucky in love. Every time something promising becomes a letdown, it crushes my self-esteem, especially if they do get into a relationship with someone else. I think, 'What is so inherently wrong with me that I can't be loved? I'm a different species from everyone who's lovable.'

I even try to imagine myself as someone who was very loved in a happy, mutual, reciprocal marriage, and that version of me I viewed as some kind of alternate dimension me who was simply better than this dimension's me, and I deeply envied her.

Then it kind of dawned on me: This is all coming from a childhood of having a learning disability where everyone knew something was off about you but couldn't place it. I wasn't invited to parties, I was excluded from groups or clubs, teachers would either inadvertently or directly humiliate me.

I felt very othered, except for when I got a boyfriend in high school. Suddenly people respected me more, smiled at me more, viewed me as more mature even though I was the same personality as before. I grew to learn that the only way I could have normalcy and be accepted by society was if I was in a relationship.

As a woman in her 30s who's never had a serious, long-term adult relationship, I know people view me as missing something, being immature or just depressed. And I am depressed. But it's not because I'm not chosen by a man, but society. Being single as a woman, especially as you get older, seems to make people uncomfortable, but also being neurodivergent amplifies it."

Cate: I mean, I guess the question that I have is: do you want to be in a relationship? Because what I'm hearing is a person who has kind of conflated the idea of social acceptance and being in a relationship. Like, "If I'm in a relationship, it is more socially acceptable, and I already feel like I don't fit in, so therefore being in a relationship would be convenient."

But like, are you happy single? I'm incredibly biased, I think, on this topic. I grew up doing community theater and a lot of the people who did community theater when I was a kid were older adults. And a lot of them were women in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond who had made the conscious choice to never have a partner.

And they were the baddest ass, most self-assured, most confident people that I had ever interacted with. And they taught me very early on that you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. If you can be at peace and at ease with yourself, then a relationship is like a little extra on top. And so I'm just like, I want to talk to this poster for like a day unpacking all of that.

Because it's so hard to feel like the only way to be accepted is to find someone who is socially acceptable and be seen with them. But that's also just not true, right? Because you are inherently the person that you are, and if you are changing yourself inside a relationship in order to keep that relationship, then you are not being authentically yourself. And so being authentically yourself is — oof, yeah, that's a hard one.

Jessamine: I didn't really date or have a real relationship until my late 20s.

Cate: Me neither.

Jessamine: Really? Yeah. And I had the same feeling of just like — there's those people and there's me — and like, "That's just the way it is." And I'm wondering if this poster is just — it's sort of a "you don't know what you don't know" situation.

And if they had some adult relationships and they realized like, "That doesn't actually make my life more acceptable or I'm not happier necessarily than I am when I'm single." Almost picturing something like they said, the alternate dimension. That doesn't necessarily mean it's the reality. And so like they might even be more miserable if they were in a relationship.

Or like, good for them, they're not in a relationship because they haven't found the right person. Imagine if instead they were just with the wrong person. That's a million times worse than probably this feeling.

Cate: It's like a "grass is greener," you know? Because I'm actually very interested in the part where they talk about the bizarro universe them where they're in a happy relationship, because that is completely fictionalized.

And it almost feels kind of like when people are in a long-term relationship and they start questioning, "Am I really happy? Is this really for me?" But what they are pitting that relationship against is a fictionalized relationship that does not exist, in which they have this most perfect partner who is like the most bestest, perfectest version of the person that you should be with.

(14:15) ADHD prospecting" and the importance of finding a partner for the right reasons rather than social pressure.

Cate: Where it's like, "But I'm in a healthy and stable and happy relationship right now, but what if there's something better out there?" And a lot of that, I think, is ADHD prospecting.

I hear what this person is saying around like it is more socially acceptable to be in a partnership. But I also think that kind of echoes just the experience of being neurodivergent. Like, being neurodivergent is always a little bit about being othered. It's always a little bit about being misunderstood.

And so if the thing that you want is acceptance, if the thing that you want is to be accepted the most easily by society, then sure, being in your 30s and being in a relationship might make that a little bit easier.

But are you going to be happier in a relationship just for the sake of saying, "Oh, I have a boyfriend" or "Oh, I have a partner," or are you going to be happier working on yourself, developing strong intuition about your own needs, your own wants, your own desires, and then seeking out a partner who matches and fulfills those?

Because it's like, don't just date somebody for the sake of having somebody to bring to Thanksgiving. Date somebody because you feel like they bring something to your life and to you in a way that is enjoyable and good and you're mutually good for each other. But you don't have to bring a date to a wedding.

Jessamine: This is sort of like my bog-standard dating advice that I came to much later. But now that I am in a long-term, like almost 10-year relationship, I'm like, if you're single because you don't have a person that you want to be with, enjoy that. I get the things that are — that feel like they're missing.

Cate: Yeah.

Jessamine: But like, chances are you're going to have that at some point. You'll find the person that you want to be with because that's the right person, not because you want to be with someone. And then you're like, "Oh, that part of my life's over."

So maybe you don't, and maybe you're like one of these people, like these badass women you're talking about, but I'm also like, I think it's so important to enjoy the phase you're in now because you just literally never know what's coming in life. How old were they? She's in her 30s?

Cate: 30s.

Jessamine: Some of it too is also like you got to let go of the stuff that you learned in high school. Like, we're not — you're not the same person anymore. You're in your 30s. You can do your own thing. You're allowed. You can move past that.

All right. This one is — it is a bummer, but I have to read it with the included emoji because this poster has a funny sense of humor.

Cate: Okay.

Jessamine: "In my defense, I am not okay" — cry-laughing emoji. "Something is very wrong with me. Men who want commitment and relationships are always drawn to me, so I'm always finding myself in long-term committed relationships.

However, they start out as these sneaky situationships where we play a lot of mind games, refuse to admit feelings, have sex constantly. And listen, this is my absolute favorite part: But when it goes on for too long, I start craving something deeper, calmer.

Once I have it, I once again start to crave the thrill" — multiple exclamation points. "What on earth is wrong with me? Especially after I watch a show about two people who absolutely cannot be together and are risking it all just to touch their partner, feel them, be next to them. I start to crave the thrill of uncertainty so bad.

I get so parasocial with movie characters and almost sabotage my life as an actual result. Now I'm three years into a loving, committed relationship and there's nothing I'm craving more than that sneaky, risky 'we shouldn't be doing this' quickie" — crying face, crying face, crying face, crying face. "Oh my goodness, I am beyond redemption" — cry-laughing face.

(18:27) "New Relationship Energy" and why stable relationships can feel boring for people with ADHD.

Cate: No, that's not true. That's not true at all. What this poster — actually, I was like straight to my wheelhouse with you because what this poster is describing is an incredibly common phenomenon in the ADHD community and it is the difference between feeling stable and safe and secure and New Relationship Energy.

It has a name. It's called NRE, New Relationship Energy. And New Relationship Energy is very different than stable relationship intimacy, because in the new relationship intimacy, you are doing that. You're doing the little excited like, "Oh my gosh, do you like me? Do you not like me?"

What I also think is interesting is that this poster sounds like is playing directly into that by also actively not communicating directly, right? So there's a lot of "will they, won't they" that they're kind of building and facilitating by not just having a conversation about "Are we in a relationship? Do we like each other?" Like, direct and specific communication.

And so that new relationship energy can kind of linger in this "Are we going to do this? Are we not?" kind of thing. And then to compound on that is that a person can become a hyperfocus. So if you are in that new relationship energy and they become your hyperfocus, it can be the best and most exciting and most interesting thing in the world.

But what is also true and the crushing reality of living with ADHD is that eventually that hyperfocus is going to wear off. And so, you know, when it's a movie character or a fictional character, that's fine. You're not going to hurt Doctor Who’s feelings if you suddenly find yourself less interested. But that is going to be the case if this is your partner who you are suddenly issuing for something more exciting.

This is also where we see the most kind of cheating happen. This is where a lot of ADHDers fall into the trap of if you are doing something subversive, if you are doing something a little naughty, a little dangerous — maybe you're talking to somebody a little bit more than you should be, there's some emotional cheating going on or maybe even physical sexual cheating — that starts to feel dangerous and that starts to feel exciting and you're doing something you're not supposed to.

And that is a dopamine trap. And so it winds up becoming kind of this vicious cycle of because stable relationships — and it sounds bad to say it this way, but it's true — stable relationships are boring. Stable relationships are not as exciting as a subversive "we're meeting at the motel for our wicked liaison," you know?

Stable relationships are a lot of sitting next to each other on the couch while you scroll on your phone and you watch a show in the background because that is just what stable relationships are. There are going to be boring times in stable relationships and when you have ADHD, those stable times can feel like, "Oh no, what if nothing is ever exciting ever again?"

And so we can cycle out of really healthy relationships in search of something more exciting, but the hate-to-break-it-to-you truth is that that is always going to happen in any relationship. But yeah, there's nothing wrong with you. You just have ADHD. That's just what this person described is being a person in a relationship who has ADHD and that need for novelty and whatever. But yeah, there's nothing wrong with you. I see this all the time. I see this all the time.

Jessamine: It makes so much sense. Whenever I think back to maybe the more exciting, quote-unquote, times for dating and relationships, I'm like, "God, I was so anxious and unhappy also." Like, that was like physically gut-wrenching also.

And when you're talking about the stability of a long-term relationship, it's like such a lovely thing that I wouldn't trade for a million moments of butterflies in my stomach. There are trade-offs, of course. But you just have to remember you get this other valuable thing in exchange.

And also if that's not what you want, then that's okay, too. Go do your thing, or maybe have an open relationship and I don't know, like there's other options if that truly is not what you want. But I also have anxiety disorder on top of my ADHD, so for me, the idea of stability and peace is so exciting because so much of my life is not that.

Cate: It's interesting, too, because if you look into relationship studies and stuff, a lot of times what you'll see is that people who are drawn to that kind of chaotic energy often have lower relational satisfaction because there never is a surety. There never is confidence. It's always kind of couched in this dramatic "will they, won't they" kind of "romance novel" type of thing, like the star-crossed lovers who can't be together.

But that's a cognitive load. That's destabilizing to your nervous system. And so people will hop from these really chaotic relationships one to another, one to another, and they never learn how to develop stability or good communication practices or working through difficult moments in relationships because they're like, "Oh, it got hard. I might as well bounce." So you don't learn how to be a good and stable partner. And so that's a skill that you have to develop.

I think it's important to acknowledge that for some people, though, that new relationship energy, that is fulfilling. That is a getting-to-meet-new — like, I'm one of those people. Getting to meet new people, getting to build relationships with new people, that is really important, which is why polyamory works for me.

Like, not trying to recruit anybody to my cult, but you know — but don't be afraid to say the good things about it. No one thinks you're recruiting. You know, but you have to participate in ethical non-monogamy exactly that. It has to be ethical, it has to be negotiated, whatever.

But I do like that I have an incredible, amazing husband who has been my partner for over a decade now. But if I do meet somebody, I'm not cheating, doing anything duplicitous. I'm just getting to enjoy to see, "Oh, well, where does this relationship go?" And most of the time we just become friends, you know? But it's nice to have that freedom and flexibility and have that need for connection supported by my partner rather than being told like — oh, I'm a bad person for like — "You looked at another man, you cheating whore." Like, no, it's fine.

Oh boy, I love Reddit reactions, Jessamine. It's just so interesting to me because so many of the stories are just so common. And I think it just really reinforces the fact that as much as we struggle, there is somebody else in the world, there's somebody else on Reddit who is going through the same thing as you.

And I don't know, I feel terrible that people go through these things, but it is kind of nice to know that we're not alone in our struggles and there are other people out there who understand what we're going through. And I think it provides a lot of nice perspective.

Jessamine: Totally. And I like hearing your perspective on their perspective because — and I think this is an ADHD experience, too, where you have a lot of floating half-thoughts at all times that are just sort of there. And then I'm a verbal processor and when I say it out loud, I'm like, "Oh right, that's what I thought and felt."

Like, it comes out of my mouth and I'm like, "Oh that! I didn't even know I had that thought." And so I really like doing these episodes with you for that reason because I'm hearing you do that and frame things for me, but then I'm also processing out loud with you. So thank you for the free therapy.

Cate: Aw, thanks for hanging out! I appreciate you. This was great. All right, well, we'll do it again. Don't worry.

Jessamine: Yay! See you soon.

Cate: Thank you for listening. Anything mentioned in the episode will be linked in the show notes with more resources. Have a question, comment, or burning story you'd like to share? Email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org. This show is brought to you by Understood.org.

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"Sorry I Missed This" is produced by Jessamine Molli and edited by Jesse DiMartino. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright. Production support provided by Andrew Rector.

Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson. And I'm your host, Cate Osborn. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you again soon.