ADHD and dating: Why the spark burns bright (then fades fast)

For many women with ADHD, the spark of a new relationship feels like magic. But what happens when commitment feels like too much to manage? In this episode, Dr. Monica Johnson explains the ADHD brain during the early stages of a new relationship. Learn how ADHD impacts attachment and commitment for some women. Get tips for how to manage coming down from the emotional high when the initial spark fades.

Related resources

• ADHD and dating: Why crushes feel so intense

• ADHD and dating: Why casual dating never feels casual

• Tips from an ADHD Coach: Is it love or is it dopamine?

Timestamps

(00:00) Intro

(01:05) What is new relationship energy (NRE)?

(01:54) The ADHD brain and early romance 

(04:28) The difference between a fading spark and incompatibility 

(07:41) Tips for managing a new relationship

Episode transcript

(00:00) Intro

Dr. J: There's nothing like the thrill of a new relationship. The butterflies, the romantic dates, the way that time stands still when we're together. For many women with ADHD, the spark of a new relationship feels like magic. But what happens when the excitement gives way to routines? And suddenly, commitment feels like too much to manage.

Today we're talking about ADHD and the whirlwind that is new relationships. I'll explain the highs and lows of the honeymoon phase, and I'll break down why some women with ADHD crash hard once the honeymoon phase fades. This is "ADHD and," where we talk about everyday life and ADHD. I'm your host, Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with those with ADHD. We're continuing our series on ADHD and dating.

Let's talk about the honeymoon or new relationship energy phase.

(01:05) What is new relationship energy (NRE)?

New relationship energy, or NRE, is an intense emotional and physical high people often feel at the beginning of a romantic connection. It's the phase where you can't stop thinking about the other person, everything feels electric, and the world feels brighter. For women with ADHD, this stage can feel especially powerful because ADHD brains already struggle with low dopamine baseline levels.

NRE delivers a surge of dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin. All of which improve focus, motivation, and pleasure. This chemical cocktail can temporarily smooth out ADHD symptoms like distractibility or forgetfulness because the relationship itself becomes the hyperfocus. Let's explore more about what is happening in the brain during early stage romantic love.

(01:54) The ADHD brain and early romance

The first thing I want to mention is dopamine and reward pathways. Early stage romantic love activates the brain regions associated with motivation and reward. This is the same system activated by addictive substances, which explains the euphoric, obsessive quality of NRE. The second thing is obsessive thinking. Research shows that people in new relationships can spend up to 85% of their waking hours thinking about their partner. For women with ADHD, the obsessive loop can mimic hyperfocus and lead to the neglect of other responsibilities.

Three is physiological changes. NRE is linked to an increase in norepinephrine and also low serotonin. These changes overlap with both ADHD arousal regulation issues and anxiety-like symptoms. And number four is the duration of NRE. Studies suggest that the honeymoon phase typically lasts anywhere from 6 to 24 months before stabilizing into companionate love. This upper end is often longer than people expect.

For ADHD brains, the transition can feel like a crash because of the sudden drop in stimulation mirrors their everyday struggles with boredom. Which leads to a common worry that people ask me about all the time. What happens when the honeymoon is over? Will I get bored? Is the spark gone?

Yes, boredom can show up more quickly for those with ADHD. But it's not always about the relationship itself. The ADHD brain is wired to seek novelty and stimulation. And when the natural dopamine rush of a new romance begins to level out, it can feel like the spark has disappeared.

What's really happening is the brain is adjusting from the intense highs of the honeymoon phase to the steadier rhythms of a longer-term bond. This shift can be misinterpreted as falling out of love, when it's really a recalibration of your system. It represents a natural evolutionary transition from the intense attraction phase to the more sustainable attachment phase that's necessary for long-term bonding.

As novelty wears off, the relationship shifts focus towards connection and attachment. The relationship matures and the initial spark fades. Familiarity leads to a decrease in dopamine and other brain chemicals take over the bonding process. Now let's explore a little bit about the difference between the natural fading of the spark and true incompatibility.

(04:28) The difference between a fading spark and incompatibility

So first, let's focus on the spark fading or the dopamine drop. The relationship feels less exciting, routines feel predictable, and the butterflies aren't as strong. You may start to miss the obsessive can't stop thinking about you phase. I want to stress that the spark fading doesn't indicate relationship failure, but rather represents the brain's transition from an unsustainable state of romantic obsession to a foundation of deeper attachment.

So here are a few clues that it's the spark fading, not incompatibility. First is you still feel safe, respected, and emotionally connected. You still want to spend time with your partner, even if the thrill is quieter. You have shared values, goals, and the affection remains intact. And when you introduce novelty, so things like travel or dates, it reignites the energy between the two of you.

Next, let's look at incompatibility, which usually means misaligned foundations. What that can look like is even when you introduce novelty, you feel distant, irritated, or uninterested. There may be frequent miscommunications, mismatched values, or a lack of emotional intimacy.

So let's look at why this happens. And it usually relates to differences in core values. These core values can relate to family, finances, lifestyle, a whole host of things. There's also problems related to unresolved conflict styles or a lack of mutual support, which can all lead to long-term friction. Here are some clues that it might be incompatibility.

You consistently feel misunderstood, dismissed, or drained. Conflict patterns don't improve, even with effort. You no longer look forward to seeing your partner. Respect or trust is eroding, and your attraction feels forced and not situational.

I can't say this enough. Do not chase a feeling. Chase an experience. Chasing the feeling will cause you to miss red flags and misappropriate what is happening inside of you. Meaning, you'll say to yourself, "I don't feel excited every time I think about this person, therefore it must mean I don't love them anymore." Instead of, "This person knows what my nighttime toots smell like and they helped me get up in the morning because they know my morning routine is a struggle for me."

That's an example of an experience. I can be myself with this person. They support me. When you're living a life with a person, you don't want to be on a roller coaster. That's destabilizing. You want someone who can build a shared foundation with you based on your values and goals, both as individuals and a couple.

And frankly, there are parts of that that are quite boring. What you realize is that most sustainable levels of excitement are built on boring. If you go watch a circus performer complete a dramatic feat, it's probably not the first time they did it. A basketball player is going to dribble the ball 10,000 times before you even see them do it once. Life is built on the mundane. With that being said, here are my general guidelines on managing a new relationship.

(07:41) Tips for managing a new relationship

Number one is keeping realistic expectations. I want you to remember the honeymoon brain. The first rush of chemistry isn't forever. It's biology. Knowing that the fireworks naturally settle can protect you from feeling blindsided when things start to calm down.

Number two is to pace yourself emotionally and practically. The first thing here is to use intentional pauses. If you find yourself constantly texting or spiraling out about where the relationship is going, take a step back. Check in with your emotions before acting. You can also use a delay and response tactic. Before making significant relationship decisions or declarations, implement a 24-hour waiting period to allow the initial dopamine surge to stabilize.

The point here is to get into the practice of checking in with yourself on a regular interval. Next is to check your timeline. Impulsivity can make it tempting to fast-forward the relationship. So this could be moving in really fast or other major relationship commitments too early for your system. Ask yourself, "Would I make this decision if the excitement wasn't this intense?"

And also remember to balance partner time with other aspects of your life. Keep nurturing your friendships, your hobbies, your routines. This helps you see the relationship as a part of your life and not the entire thing. Next is to anchor to routines. Stick with your sleep, your work, and your self-care because you need these routines in order to function as well as you can.

When you're in the new relationship energy, you can have hyperfocus and this can help to prevent that. This goes back to my comment about the boring and the mundane. If you're trying to have a long-term relationship with someone, you're going to need those routines. Not only for the hyperfocus issues, but so that you can be the best partner you can be and have the energy to work on any areas where you may need to improve.

And then next is to slow down milestones. Enjoy the getting to know you stage. Set little mini goals like, "Let's have three more dates before we're exclusive." It can allow your brain some time to catch up with your heart and reality. Another example may be if you're in a five-month relationship and you're thinking about moving in together. Is that something that makes sense for you? You really want to ask yourself these questions.

What are the pros and cons of that? Sometimes because things are going well, we want to rush it to the next stage, or we'll have an arbitrary should in our mind, like, "I've been dating someone for a year, so we should get engaged." Should you? That is a question that can only be answered by the people within that relationship.

And finally, another common question is, "Should you disclose ADHD early?" This is deeply personal and there's no one size fits all answer. Some may want to share this information in the first or second date. Others may want to wait a few months to see how the relationship is developing before telling another person. However, as you grow closer together, it usually becomes necessary as the romance grows.

So here are a few reasons why disclosure helps. It can explain certain patterns like forgetfulness, distractibility, or time perception issues before a partner can misinterpret them. It gives your partner a chance to understand and support you. It can also model honesty and vulnerability. There's also some reasons why waiting can help.

Early disclosure might feel too vulnerable before trust is established. And some people may not understand ADHD well, and you don't want to give them a crash course on date number two. What I suggest is a more balanced approach. Share when it feels relevant and safe, often after a foundation of mutual trust has started to build.

You don't need to disclose everything at once. You can frame it as a part of who you are, not your whole identity. Rather than leading with a diagnosis, consider sharing specific traits or experiences first, like, "I tend to get really focused on things that I'm excited about," or, "I sometimes struggle with organization, but I'm working on my systems that help." This allows the person to understand your experience before potentially reacting to a label.

The key to successfully managing new relationships with ADHD lies in understanding your neurobiological patterns, maintaining self-awareness, and developing strategies that honor both your authentic self and the need for sustainable relationship development. The right tools and support can help you slow down and sniff the roses and create space for genuine connection.

That's it for this episode of "ADHD and." This was part three of our ADHD and dating series. In our next episode, we're diving into ADHD and breakups. If you enjoyed today's session, be sure to check back on our other episodes on ADHD and dating. Parts one and two where I dive into what happens in the ADHD brain during the initial crush and the early courting phases. Please let me know your comments and your questions. We can always revisit this topic with feedback from you.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"ADHD and" is produced by Tara Drinks, with video by Calvin Knie. The show is edited by Alyssa Shea. 

Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright. Andrew Rector provides production support.

Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson.

And I'm your host, Dr. J.