Tips from an ADHD Coach: Saying sorry too much

People with ADHD have likely had to apologize for their ADHD traits more than once. So, it can be easy to fall into a habit of saying sorry all the time out of shame. Even before someone has brought up that we’ve done anything wrong.

This week on Tips from an ADHD Coach, Jaye talks about how people with ADHD, especially women, can fall into the habit of apologizing too much. Listen for some tips on how to turn these knee-jerk “sorries” into positive statements that explain what we really mean to say.

Have a challenge you’d like Jaye to talk about in an episode? Email or send a voice memo to us at adhdcoachtips@understood.org.

• ADHD and feelings of remorse

• ADHD and shame

(00:34) Jordan’s quote

(02:46) Apologizing for how we show up in the world with ADHD

(04:48) Protecting ourselves by saying sorry before confronted

(07:25) What can we do to avoid saying sorry all the time?

(11:33) Recap

Jaye: Are you someone who is always saying sorry? Is it a reflex that comes out even when you don't really mean it? Does it result in the effect you're shooting for? This is "Tips from an ADHD Coach," and I'm your coach, Jaye Lin. Today we're talking about something that is common with both women and people with ADHD, constantly saying sorry. We're gonna hear from Jordan, who shared with us how she's always saying sorry.

Jordan: I probably apologize at least like three to 10 times a day, if I'm feeling like I'm being annoying or I need to be giving somebody space or I'm taking too much space. I always fear like I'm the problem because that's how I felt my whole life. Like I am not getting things, I am not understanding things, I am understanding things too quickly and people are getting frustrated that I might've accidentally taken over. It's the insecurity of how my mind works that I'm always apologizing for.

Other times, I just constantly say, "Sorry, do you mind if I can do this?" Or "Sorry, don't mean to bother you." It's a really bad habit, especially when I'm having a really bad anxiety day, I apologize a lot. I think I say sorry so much because I'm constantly afraid that I am annoying people or I'm saying too much or I'm talking at them or I'm embarrassing myself. I just get super excited and then I have to get the whole thought out or it bothers me. And I'm not trying to talk over people, I just get excited.

I was bullied a lot as a kid, and as I've gotten older, I was always very nervous about talking to my peers. I'm always concerned people don't like me because they think I'm a know-it-all and I don't mean to be a know-it-all. It's not on purpose, it's just the fact that we pick up patterns very easily. I've had a lot of people be very negative to me and tell me, "Well, aren't you a little bit all over the place?" which is so rude. But I realize their mind doesn't work that way, and I'm apologizing so I can be more digestible.

Like I dilute myself to be more digestible and I feel guilty sometimes when I talk too much. And like I'm getting insecure thinking about it now. I would totally say like "I'm sorry, I'm talking too much right now," just because I'm all over the place and I'm trying to get a linear thought in because I see patterns differently, and to some people it's like ping-ponging back and forth but it makes total sense to me.

I think it's not that I wish I did something else instead of saying sorry. I wish I didn't feel compelled to say I'm sorry, or I wish I didn't feel like I had a need to say I'm sorry. So, I wish my mind sometimes worked a lot more linear, even though I wouldn't be who I am today. I don't think I'd feel so insecure around people.

Jaye: Jordan is like so many of us ADHD folk and women who are constantly saying sorry, even sometimes when we don't mean it. While many of us tend to blurt our sorries as an automatic response when we aren't even at fault, like when someone bumps into us or when we're just speaking up for the first time in a conversation, Jordan listed a bunch of scenarios where she says sorry directly relating to how she shows up in the world with her ADHD.

She says sorry for being annoying or for monologuing, for talking at them without listening, for presenting her ideas in a way that others sometimes can't follow very easily. These are all ways we can be perceived because of our ADHD. With ADHD, a boost of dopamine and passion can sometimes turn us into runaway trains that are driven by interesting ideas.

In addition to what Jordan shared, we can sometimes fall into a habit of saying sorry for the results of other ADHD challenges, like a messy home, blurting or interrupting others, being late, or not following through on what we promised we would do. Jordan shared a bunch of examples of when others were mean or rude to her when she wasn't intending to have a negative effect but was confronted by someone in a painful way.

She was bullied a lot as a kid and is nervous about interacting with her peers because she was seen as a know-it-all, but she was really just sharing her excitement. Even though it sounds like she is self-compassionate and accepting of who she is as a whole, there's still a fear of how she's perceived by others, just like how I can be totally fine with my cluttered apartment and still feel uncomfortable when someone comments on it.

Paired with our emotional dysregulation, this rejection by our peers can feel worse than it would for someone without ADHD and can lead us to take measures to avoid future confrontations and rejection. This is called rejection sensitivity, and almost everyone I know with ADHD struggles with it.

So, a lot of us do what Jordan does. We preemptively say sorry for doing or saying things that others can perceive in negative ways. Jordan finishes saying what she's driven to say and then immediately follows it up with saying she's sorry for monologuing so no one can comment on it because she said it first. Saying we're sorry about something before anyone can comment on it usually tends to work, but does it?

I mean, it does, in that after Jordan says she's sorry for monologuing, she probably won't be called out for monologuing. But what effect does that preemptive sorry actually have? Well, usually it shifts the conversation into comforting us and even more so when we attach some form of shame to the sorry, like saying, "Sorry, I didn't get you a gift for your birthday, I'm such a garbage friend." When we say sorry, the standard response is for them to make us feel better "You're not a garbage friend, you're just really busy." Or in Jordan's case, when she apologizes for talking too much, "No, no, you're fine.."

That could feel comforting, yeah. But it's also not very accurate because they could just be trying to make us feel less crappy. I think we've all experienced this from the other side when someone wronged us and then said sorry, they're so awful, and we responded that it's fine when we didn't actually think it was fine and we were hurt by their actions. And because we know that we sometimes say it's fine when we don't mean it, how actually safe and secure do we feel when others say that it's fine?

That preemptive apology we give to others can also take away their freedom to think and feel the way that they do and any chance they have to share how our actions made them feel. This, obviously, is by design. We don't want to feel the pain of hearing that we did something that upset someone because it makes us feel bad. But if someone is upset that their story was bulldozed by Jordan in her excitement, her sorry doesn't allow them to finish their story or get to the points that they were trying to get to before Jordan took it over.

They can still be upset about it and by polite society's rules, we'll have to keep it to themselves and continue to have interactions with Jordan that upsets them. Another secret message that sorry communicates is that we know the effect our actions have on others and we do it anyway. Ultimately, these sorries that can feel so critical for us to give in order to be accepted by others can have more negative outcomes than positive ones.

So, what can we do if we've fallen into a habit of constantly saying sorry? If saying sorry all the time can do more damage to the relationship than it does good, what can we do instead? Well, we can take a clearer look at the effect our actions, intentional or not, can have on others and take an action that does the opposite effect.

Usually, in my client sessions, I'll ask my clients to flesh out this sentence: What are they sorry for? And then I'll just keep asking them some form of why, repeatedly until we drill down to the root of it, which is usually how our actions can make others feel. So, for example, if I feel the need to say sorry to a friend for not keeping in contact with them for months, what am I sorry for? The knee-jerk reaction is that I'm sorry for being a bad friend, because I don't consistently text.

So, what about not consistently texting a friend is something to be sorry for? Well, it shows that I'm not consistently thinking about them. Is that true? Yeah, OK, sometimes. Sometimes things are out of sight, out of mind for me. What makes that something to be sorry about? Well, they can think that I don't care about them and they're not important to me. Is that true? No, not at all. So, what can I do to assure them that they are important to me, even when my ADHD makes it harder for me to constantly stay in contact?

Texting my friend that I'm sorry I've been MIA the last few months doesn't address how they're feeling if they do feel neglected, and like I don't think they're important. It makes it about me, again, and the guilt about potentially making them feel that way usually makes it harder for me to reach out again after long periods of silence.

So, what can I do to show them that they are important to me and that I care about them a lot? Explaining that I care about them a lot, and I always do, even when I don't text. And when I do text, I make sure to let them know how much I appreciate them. And I can say that if they're feeling neglected or that I don't care about them, to text me and ask for some love and care because I want to give it to them.

This gives them a clear permission to turn their negative feelings into positive connecting experiences. It allows us to both get what we want without feeling bad. What this can do is give the other person an opportunity to change the direction of our interactions and how it could make them feel. We can also replace sorry with more intentional connecting words instead. So, instead of sorry if I was monologuing, Jordan can say, "Wow, I got carried away with my excitement. I think I might have cut you off. Please continue. I want to hear more."

This allows her to express what was actually going on with her when she was monologuing and gives praise and excitement back to the original speaker. And if she's insecure about her thoughts being all over the place with her non-linear thinking, and it might be harder for her peers to follow along, instead of saying sorry at the end for ping-ponging the ideas all over the place, which, doesn't help anyone who wasn't able to follow along, she could say something along the lines of, "I know some of what I said might've been all over the place, so please ask me questions if you need more clarification to connect the dots."

I asked Jordan what she's trying to do when she says sorry, and she said she's trying to communicate her good intentions. But sorry doesn't actually do that. She could simply communicate the actual good intentions. So, instead of sorry being used to communicate, "Please know I'm just really passionate about your project," she can say, "I am really passionate about your project." I know it's direct, but honestly, it's a pretty solid way to get our message across.

We have ADHD, and sometimes people can perceive our actions incorrectly. Or we can be aware of our ADHD challenges and feel guilty about the effect it can have on others. But if we shift the focus of what we can do proactively to do the opposite of the negative effect, we can actually improve the experience others have with us and we have with them. We can do better than saying we're sorry. A lot better.

ADHD challenges can sometimes get us to constantly say sorry because we are aware of the effect our actions have on others and feel guilty about it. We can also say sorry preemptively in order to avoid painful comments or negative thoughts others can have of us. But that sorry can shift the focus of the conversation to comforting us and they can say it's fine when it might not actually be fine.

That sorry can take away their opportunity to share how they feel and change the way future interactions go. It can also convey that we know the effect our actions have on others and continue to do it anyway.

If instead of saying sorry, we address the actual effect our actions could have on others and do something to have the opposite effect, give the other person permission to speak up if we're doing something that they're having a negative reaction to and more directly communicate our good intentions, we can strengthen the relationships we have with others being exactly who we are.

You've been listening to "Tips from an ADHD Coach" on the Understood Podcast Network. If you have a challenge you'd like me to talk about or would just like to say hi, you can email us at ADHDcoachtips@understood.org. You can also check out the show notes to find links to anything mentioned in the show and more resources.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.

"Tips from an ADHD Coach" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Ash Beecher is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director, and Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Jaye Lin. Thanks for listening.