When older kids still have tantrums: What to know

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  • Quick tip 1

    Resist the temptation to give in.

    Be calm and try not to cave. Acknowledge what kids want, but don’t try to reason with them when they’re upset. Wait at least an hour before talking about the tantrum.

  • Quick tip 2

    Be clear (and don’t argue) about rules.

    Try not to fall into the “I didn’t know” or “you didn’t tell me” argument. Remind them what the rule is (like no cookies before dinner), and leave it at that.

  • Quick tip 3

    Try self-calming strategies.

    Have kids take a few deep breaths to relax. You can also remind them to “use their words” when they want something. A helpful phrase to use: “What would make things better?”

  • Quick tip 4

    Keep track of triggers.

    Make a note of when tantrums happen. It might be at bedtime, while doing homework, or when kids are hungry. Over time you may see patterns that help you predict (and prevent) future tantrums.

It’s common for young kids to have temper tantrums when they don’t get their way. But by the age of 8 or 9, tantrums have tapered off for most kids. 

When older kids have tantrums, people may see them as spoiled or disrespectful. The truth isn’t so simple, though. Tantrums happen for a reason.

As kids grow up, they typically develop language skills to express feelings like frustration and anger. They learn to negotiate for what they want. Most learn to handle strong emotions and cope with disappointment.

But some kids take longer to learn to handle strong emotions and cope with disappointment. They may struggle with self-control or anxiety, or have trouble putting feelings into words. These and other reasons can lead to older kids having frequent tantrums.

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