What to do if your child is being bullied at school

If your child tells you they’re being bullied at school, it can be hard to know what to do next. The key is to stay calm. Gather all of the details, follow the chain of command at your child’s school, and document everything. Understand that your child might be feeling all kinds of emotions — angry, fearful, confused, and embarrassed. And as overwhelmed as you feel. 

“Kids may be just starting to learn how to handle themselves, and are not at fault if they are being bullied,” says developmental pediatrician Mark Bertin, MD.opens in a new tab “They may not yet know how to manage the situation themselves, or they may get flustered or overwhelmed in the moment.”

Bullying is when a child repeatedly hurts another child physically, emotionally, or verbally, and there’s a real or perceived imbalance of power. Any child is at risk for it.opens in a new tab Some studies have found that kids with ADHD are more likely to become targets of bullying — with as many as 47 percent of kids with ADHD experiencing bullyingopens in a new tab — while other studies have found no connection.opens in a new tab 

But kids with ADHD may be more sensitive to bullying than their peers are. A recent study,opens in a new tab based on data from the National Survey of Children’s Health, found that kids with ADHD who experienced bullying every day had a 70 percent chance of having anxiety, compared to 35 percent for their peers without ADHD. 

The research, which covers nearly 45 million U.S. kids between 6 and 17 years old, also found that bullying and parents’ mental health had a greater link to kids’ well-being than other factors like school resources or neighborhood safety. 

That’s why it’s so important to address bullying immediately. Bullying isn’t something that’ll go away if you ignore it. And it’s not a misunderstanding that kids can “work out” on their own. 

Follow these steps to make sure your kids’ bullying is addressed.

Not every child who experiences bullying will go home and talk to their parents or caregivers about it. In fact, researchers have found that only 24 percent of kids will tell their parentsopens in a new tab about what they’re experiencing, and only about 14 percent will report it to a teacher. So it’s key to recognize the signs that your child is being bullied. 

Typically, kids who have been targeted by a bully or bullies will display the following signs that something distressing is happeningopens in a new tab in their life. If your child mentions self-harm or suicide, get help right away. 

• Being withdrawn, irritable, or having mood swings

• Saying they wish they weren’t here, talking about self-harm, or making negative self-statements

• Complaining of headaches and stomachaches

• Having trouble eating or sleeping, or eating or sleeping more than usual

• Displaying more emotional distress, like crying, anxiousness, fearfulness, or hopelessness

• Becoming socially withdrawn and avoiding friends, parties, and other activities

• Having trouble in school, getting bad grades, or missing assignments 

• Struggling with self-esteem and self-worth, or saying they don’t fit in

• Acting aggressively toward themselves and others

• Avoiding school or asking to stay home

If you suspect your child’s being bullied at school, you might be wondering how to talk to them about it. First, try to find a private time to talk to them when they’re relaxed. For example, start a conversation with them while driving in the car or doing something you enjoy together, like playing basketball. The key is that your child feels safe about opening up.

To initiate the conversation, start by asking general questions that are open-endedopens in a new tab and encourage them to share.

• “How has school been lately?” 

• “What’s going well at school?”

• “How do you like your class?”

• “Is there anything that’s been bothering you lately?”

Then give your child time to answer. Don’t interrupt what they’re saying and always validate their feelings. Avoid offering advice or making judgmental comments. Instead, listen to what they’re truly saying. Pay attention to their tone, emotions, and body language. 

“[Ask] questions that aim to sort out their perceptions and their emotional experience,” recommends Bertin. “Validate whatever they are feeling, make sure they know it is not their fault, and offer support and comfort.”

It’s understandable that you might have big emotions about your child being bullied. But try to control your reactions and emotions in response to what your kid says — and avoid crying or shouting. A parent’s big emotions can lead to a child shutting down or make them feel that they’ve done something wrong. 

Instead, reassure them that they did nothing wrong, and remind them of their worth and value. Hearing you say “I love you” might be just what your child needs. 

Here’s what else you can say when your child talks about bullying: 

• “Thank you for sharing that. It took courage for you to tell me.”

• “This isn’t your fault.”

• “I will help you.”

Here’s what not to say when your child talks about bullying: 

• “What did you do to cause it?”

• “Just ignore it.”

• “Stop being so dramatic. This isn’t a big deal.”

• “Next time you need to fight back.”

Keep a written log of everything your child has experienced, including the following: 

• What happened

• Who was involved

• Who witnessed it, including adults

• Where it took place

Include dates and times, as well as screenshots of any digital messages or cyberbullying. You should also keep a log of who you contacted at the school, as well as the dates, times, and their responses. 

If you discover that your child is being bullied at school, you need to take action as soon as you have all of the information from your child and you feel calm enough to do so with a respectful tone and attitude. 

Just try not to put it off too long. Call the school right away if your child or other children are being actively hurt or are in a dangerous situation. The sooner you act, the better it will be for your child’s emotional well-being. Flagging bullying right away also ensures that the school administration is made aware. This gives them the opportunity to keep your child, and likely other children, safe while taking appropriate disciplinary action. 

Once you have all of your documentation, report the bullying to the school personnel. Focus on being respectful yet firm, and look for ways to collaborate with them on creating a better learning environment for your child. Avoid being demanding or combative. 

Below are some specific steps to follow while reporting a bullying incident. 

• Review the school’s anti-bullying policy and familiarize yourself with your state’s laws on bullying. Check StopBullying.govopens in a new tab for more information, or visit your state’s Department of Education website.

• Your child’s school handbook on bullying should provide information on who to contact case of bullying. Typically, you’d reach out to the teacher whose class the bullying may have happened in, or your child’s homeroom teacher. Request a meeting with them and a school administrator or guidance counselor to discuss the bullying. And involve the IEP team or 504 team if your child has an IEP or a 504 plan. 

• Discuss what happened and provide documentation. 

• Ask what the school’s plan is, discuss time frames for the plan, and determine an agreed-upon timeline for action.

• Request that the school not hold meetings with both your child and the child who bullied them present. This could lead to retaliation. And conflict resolution isn’t typically effective when bullying occurs. After all, bullying isn’t a conflict — it involves a power imbalance and victimizationopens in a new tab.

• Follow up with an email after the meeting and let them know you will reach out within the agreed-upon time frame. Remember that, due to privacy guidelines, the school may not be able to share what type of disciplinary action they took with the child who was bullying. 

• If you feel like you’re being ignored by your child’s school, or your child is still being bullied, escalate your complaint to district leadership — like the superintendent and the appropriate state entities. 

Once you’ve reported the bullying, focus on helping your child navigate this situation. Get them counseling if needed. Also work on teaching them how to be assertive and advocate for themselves should they experience bullying again. 

“Aim to be emotionally supportive and to focus on their strengths and positive feedback at home,” suggests Bertin. “Model how you’d like them to act socially yourself.”

You can also help them make friendships through activities they enjoy so that they find one or two peers they can trust to have their back. Be sure to talk through what they can do if bullying happens again.