ADHD and shame

Ever have one of those ADHD moments that makes you just want to hide? For me, it strikes when I’m deep into work, and suddenly I realize it’s 5 p.m. and I’m supposed to be somewhere that’s 30 minutes away. Or the intense wave of guilt I feel after snapping at my son again. And don’t even get me started on those organizing bins I bought six months ago. The ones that are still sitting empty, while my kitchen table proudly serves as a “drop it” space for literally everything.

The feeling that runs through all of this is shame. I’m ashamed of being late. Of losing my temper. Of not following through on things I meant to do. Sound familiar? If you have ADHD, it might. That’s because, for many women with ADHD, shame is an all-too-common part of life. 

ADHD and shame often go hand in hand. This is partially because many ADHD symptoms — like being forgetful or frequently interrupting conversations — put people with ADHD at a higher risk of being judged by others.¹ “Shame is an emotion that is based on public disapproval,” says Monica Johnson, PsyD. In this way, she explains, shame is almost a “natural consequence” of the challenges that come with ADHD. 

For many people with ADHD, moments like these are a constant part of life. We spend a lot of extra energy trying to navigate a world that isn’t built for our brains. We mask, we manage, we stay up late to finish things…. We try very hard. But it doesn’t always work. And we’re hit with that gut-punch feeling: Shame. We feel like we can’t live up to anyone’s expectations, least of all our own.

And this goes double, triple even, for women. The expectations placed on women — look nice, be neat, be successful at work and at home, be a great listener, keep track of everything for everybody — are a tall order for anyone. But the challenges caused by ADHD make it even more difficult to live up to these (impossible) standards. For example, it’s hard to be a “great listener” when you’re struggling to focus or not interrupt. And neatness? Don’t get me started. 

Women are often expected to carry the mental load of the household and remember the entire family calendar. This means staying on top of every birthday, appointment, school event, and deadline. It’s a role that relies heavily on working memory and time management, areas where ADHD brains often need the most support. For many women, especially mothers, the mental load of managing it all pushes them over the “executive functioning edge.” Our coping skills no longer function and things become unmanageable.

These expectations can be tough when you have ADHD. And when you can’t meet them, the shame cycle goes into overdrive. Research shows that women are more likely to blame themselves for the struggles caused by their ADHD.² Shame can also trap us in a painful cycle. Johnson says it often starts when we experience failure or don’t meet a goal. ADHD symptoms can sometimes make those failures more likely.

These experiences can lead women to develop poor self-concept, says Johnson. We start to believe that our failures define us — that we’re bad. This harsh self-judgment can also make us believe that others are judging us just as harshly, whether they are or aren’t. 

This pattern can be especially hard for women who find out they have ADHD later in life. Think about it: Decades of blaming yourself for challenges caused by undiagnosed ADHD can lead to powerful feelings of shame and low self-worth. These feelings can be hard to shake, even after you get diagnosed. 

Shame looks different from person to person and can change based on the situation. Shame can also look like anger. For example, you’re so ashamed that you forgot to sign your child’s permission slip that when your partner asks you about it, you snap at them.

Shame can also hold you back at work. You might not speak up in meetings or volunteer for new projects that could advance your career. Likewise, feelings of shame can lead you to make choices that have negative consequences. For example, instead of dealing with small mistakes at work, you might hide them until they balloon into bigger problems. 

Because shame is a common experience, we asked members of our private Women’s ADHD Support Facebook group if they’d be willing to share what shame looks like for them. The response was amazing. Here are some of their answers: 

Shame can affect your relationships. Shame around social interactions can lead people with ADHD to withdraw from friends or avoid situations that might trigger upsetting feelings. For example, you might decide you took too long to text your friend back and instead delete her number. Or you might skip a date because you’re worried that you’ll overshare. 

“I think about all the things I don’t do for my kids and all the ways I’m surely letting them down…. It’s tough to get out of that once I’m in it.” —⁠⁠Jess

The impulsivity part of ADHD can mean thoughts slip out before they’re fully filtered. This can lead to intense regret when you think back on the conversation. 

“I often have to tell myself not to talk so much before meetings or before family events…. Or sometimes I say things that often I feel like I shouldn't have said at all.” —⁠⁠Sabrina

Finding out you have ADHD later in life doesn’t automatically erase years of shame. Even with answers, you might still feel like you should be doing better. 

“I feel ashamed at the age of 50 … that I still haven’t solved my ‘issues’ and am still drowning in my own poor self-esteem. I’m so tired of being my own worst enemy!” —⁠⁠Karen

ADHD can make it hard to pick up on social cues, follow conversations, or stop yourself from interrupting. You might worry about fitting in or how others see you. 

“I work so hard at trying to make sure I’m being that polite, perfect social person and not being ‘weird.’ It’s exhausting. And then I feel embarrassed that I miss things or that a social interaction can leave me so exhausted.” —⁠⁠Tiffany 

Want to be part of these conversations and connect with other moms with ADHD? Find us on Facebook and join! Everyone is welcome. 

Everyone, ADHD or not, feels shame from time to time. But intense shame — or shame that doesn’t go away — can affect your quality of life. 

Feelings of shame that last a long time can lead to mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and negative body image.^3,4 It can also make you avoid things, procrastinate, or burn out. 

So what can you do day-to-day to tackle feelings of shame? Johnson has some tips:

We’re often way harder on ourselves than anyone else is. “If you’re thinking something about yourself that you would never think about anyone else, the likelihood is that most people would never think that about you,” Johnson says. Her advice? Catch that thought and change it to what you would say to someone else.  

Shame loves secrets. It makes us hide because we’re afraid of being judged. Johnson suggests doing the opposite. “Out yourself to someone you trust who has been supportive of you in the past.” Sharing can help you realize that the thing you feel ashamed about might not be as bad as it feels. 

It can be helpful to find a community (online or in person) of other neurodivergent women, like the Understood Facebook group. Sharing stories and tips or having someone who “gets it” can help you feel less alone. 

It might feel weird, but Johnson suggests practicing with smaller feelings, like embarrassment. “Do something that you would find embarrassing and expose yourself to that emotion, and practice coping with it well,” she says. That could mean joining a workout class you feel awkward about. Or speaking up in a meeting even if you’re nervous. This helps build stronger emotional muscles. And flexing those muscles will help you handle tough situations when they pop up.

Learning more about ADHD, finding the right treatment, and building your self-advocacy skills can help you feel less ashamed and more in control. But shame can linger long after your diagnosis. If you notice that you’re feeling depressed or anxious, or like you’re missing out on life, it’s a good idea to talk to a licensed mental health professional. 

Women with ADHD are more likely to experience suicidal thoughts and self-harm.⁵ If you have thoughts of harming yourself, don’t keep it to yourself. Reach out to a health care provider, speak to a trusted family member or friend, or text or call the crisis hotline at 988 right away.

Though ADHD and shame often go hand in hand, they don’t have to. ADHD is nothing to be ashamed of. Finding ways to manage the challenges can help us celebrate all the incredible things our neurodivergent brains can do. 

People with ADHD often struggle with things like being forgetful, acting without thinking, or feeling disorganized. These challenges can clash with what others expect — at work, at home, or in society. That can lead to feelings of shame. Over time, this can create a painful cycle of self-blame and shame, especially for people who find out they have ADHD later in life.

This shame can show up in different ways. You might feel like you’re a “bad parent.” You might feel awkward in social situations or think there’s something wrong with you. These feelings can hurt your mental health.

A proper ADHD diagnosis can help you understand yourself better and make sense of past struggles. You can learn to manage shame by:

• Noticing and challenging your negative thoughts

• Talking to people you trust

• Gradually facing situations that make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable

It also helps to talk to a therapist or a mental health professional, especially if shame is making daily life harder.