How to manage meltdowns in your tween

Many younger kids with ADHD have meltdowns when they’re feeling overwhelmed. It’s even more common for kids with ADHD who also have sensory processing problems. But if your child is having meltdowns as a preteen, you may be surprised. Don’t kids outgrow this out-of-control behavior by that age?

Some kids with ADHD develop coping skills and are better able to manage strong emotions by their tween years. But others continue to have angry verbal or physical outbursts. Meltdowns in tweens may be worse than they were earlier on. And then there are kids who don’t have outbursts until they’re tweens.

One reason for meltdowns at this age is that kids with ADHD are slower to develop self-control skills than kids who don’t have it. They’re usually a few years behind their peers in terms of that kind of maturity. So, a 10-year-old may behave more like a 7-year-old. 

Meltdowns at any age can be difficult and upsetting. Even if your child has always had them, you may find that it’s a different experience at this age. Your child is larger, stronger, and facing new stressors. 

You may struggle with controlling your own strong emotions. If that’s the case, your child’s outbursts may be particularly difficult to handle.

Explore these expert strategies to help you and your tween manage this challenge.

Meltdowns happen when kids become overwhelmed. Tweens with ADHD may be flooded with strong feelings. They may also be unable to filter and manage the sensations in their environment. 

Kids with ADHD are more sensitive to stimuli. Their sensitivity can get worse when they feel ashamed, angry, or confused.

Meltdowns often seem to worsen in the tween years, according to clinical psychologist and Understood Expert Roberto Olivardia, PhD. 

Tweens are facing new stressors. They’re dealing with a lot of changes, including growth spurts, emotional changes, and the start of puberty. They also have more pressures at school and in their social lives.

It’s not uncommon for any tween to have big emotions in response to typical daily situations. But with ADHD, emotions are especially strong and often last longer. Your tween may not yet have the regulation skills to keep them in check — even if other tweens have those skills.

Tweens often don’t have the words to express their emotions in productive and age-appropriate ways. Meltdowns are a way of telling you how they’re feeling. “Emotions are very useful information,” says Olivardia. 

So, don’t dismiss your tween’s emotions, he adds. And be sure to reward tweens when they try to communicate in a more productive way.

When a meltdown is happening, the best thing you can do is stay calm. Your child’s extreme emotional outburst may trigger your own strong emotions. But yelling “stop that” or giving a punishment won’t stop the meltdown or prevent the next one. Your tween isn’t doing this on purpose, and really needs your empathy and understanding. 

Plus, as kids get bigger, parents aren’t able to just pick them up and remove them from the situation. Instead, they need to emphasize to their child the need to take space and leave the situation.

Since there’s not much you can do during a meltdown, try to work with your tween to prevent and manage them. Here are five strategies to try.

We all know how it feels to be tired, hungry, or overloaded, and how it can make us react to stress. Make sure your tween is getting enough sleep, staying hydrated, and doing activities to de-stress and release tension, like exercise.

Remember that what works for one tween may not work for another. It’s OK if your child doesn’t respond to everything you try to manage meltdowns. Keep experimenting and adjusting your strategy along the way.

When the meltdown is over, acknowledge and accept the feelings that led to it in the first place. You’re not just respecting your tween’s feelings. You’re respecting them as a person. You’re also giving your tween the language they can use to express strong feelings next time.

It’s good for you to know what sets your child off. Whether it’s a packed movie theater or a social rejection, point it out after the fact. Also, share your own triggers to normalize the experience. 

When your tween is mid-meltdown, you might want to jump in with solutions. But you probably won’t get through to them at that moment. Once things are a little calmer, simply ask your tween what they need from you right now. 

Grounding techniques can help your tween manage strong emotions. They work by connecting people to their surroundings when they’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Examples include journaling, drawing, using a fidget toy, listening to music, or petting an animal.

If it feels like nothing you do is working or you’re not getting through to your tween, you still have options. There’s help out there. And it might just be the lifeline you and your tween need. 

Contact your child’s teachers, counselor, or principal for advice. Reach out to your health care provider for guidance. Or talk with a mental health professional who specializes in kids with ADHD. These professionals can help you learn your child’s triggers and find ways to manage meltdowns.

If your tween with ADHD is still having meltdowns — or is having them for the first time — you may be confused. Parents often expect that kids have more self-control by this age.

But meltdowns aren’t uncommon when kids with ADHD hit the preteen years. Outbursts happen when people are overwhelmed by strong feelings or when they’re not able to filter and manage the sensations in their environment. They’re not something your tween can control.

When your tween is having a meltdown, try to stay calm. Your child’s strong emotions may trigger your own. But yelling or threatening punishment won’t help at that moment. 

Here are some things you can do instead:

• Learn your child’s triggers.

• After a meltdown, ask what your tween needs.

• Respect your child’s feelings.

• Practice “grounding” by drawing, listening to music, and other calming activities.

If meltdowns continue, you can reach out to your child’s teachers, school counselor, or health care provider. You might also talk to a mental health professional. 

All of these people can help you learn your tween’s triggers and find ways to manage meltdowns.