School can be tough for kids with learning and attention issues. And as classes get harder in the upper grades, kids’ frustrations and insecurities can blow up.
Your tween or teen might start questioning the importance of school. Or he might actually threaten to quit a class or school itself. Upsetting as that may be, he’s probably not doing it to get a rise out of you.
There are a lot of reasons he may be feeling this way. Understanding what he’s responding to can help you find solutions to make school more bearable for him. And what you say—and how you say it—can help shape your child’s attitude going forward.
Below are some common scenarios and suggestions for how to handle them.
Your child isn’t engaged with his classes.
How it might come up: Looking through the class offerings or his schedule, your child groans, “Are you kidding? What’s the point of any of these classes?”
You may be tempted to say: “Well, the school thinks they’re all important subjects.”
Instead, try saying: “What would you like to learn next year? What do you think would be useful to you? Let’s check out the descriptions together and see which ones contain some of the topics that interest you.”
Why say this? Kids might not know what a course involves just by its title. When your child sees what topics will actually be covered, he might find the course more interesting.
Or maybe your child can switch to a course he’d like better. Kids who have a say in the courses they take often feel much more invested in them. Some courses may be required, but emphasize the choices your child does have—within subjects, for instance. He may have to take a science class but get to decide whether it’s physics, biology or chemistry.
Your child is tired of having trouble with academics.
How it might come up: Your child’s teacher calls home (again) to discuss a failing math grade. Your child explodes, “I don’t care! I just can’t do this stuff. I hate that place!”
You may be tempted to say: “That’s too bad, because going to school is your job.”
Instead, try saying: “Yes, math is hard for you. But what your frustration is telling me is that you do care. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reacting so strongly. And because you care, we’re going to find a way to make pre-algebra better. Let’s find a day we can meet with your teacher to talk about solutions.”
Why say this? If your child consistently does poorly in school, he may be frustrated to the point of feeling hopeless. It can help to bring up ideas and strategies you haven’t tried yet. This can help motivate him to keep going.
Your child feels isolated by special education.
How it might come up. Your child isn’t connecting with kids in his social skills group. He says, “I hate that stupid group. Those kids are all weird. I don’t want to go anymore.”
You may be tempted to say: “But that class is good for you! Just look at how much you’re learning.”
Instead, try saying: “We all have to learn to do things we don’t particularly like doing. And we also often have to do things with other people we don’t like. I want you to finish out this marking period in the class, and then we can reassess in the winter.”
Why say this? By now, your tween or teen likely understands that life (and, yes, school) isn’t always fun. But he still may be hoping that you’ll get him out of the things he doesn’t like doing. This language gently reminds him to stick it out and make the most of his time there. And it makes it clear that you’re open to making changes down the road when it’s possible.
Your child has trouble with his school schedule.
How it might come up: The school emails you that your child skipped first period again this week. This has happened every week since school started. When you confront him, he tells you there’s just no point to him going to his morning class if he can’t keep up.
You may be tempted to say: “You bet there’s a point. Three more truancies and you won’t graduate!”
Instead, try saying: “Getting a diploma is non-negotiable. But how and when that happens can be a bigger conversation. Should we get your IEP team together to see how we can make that class work better for you?”
Why say this? Sometimes you have to make adjustments for your tween or teen to feel like it’s possible to make it to graduation. Even small improvements can make kids who are otherwise failing feel empowered. In this case, if your child simply can’t handle an early class, the IEP team could discuss options like starting the school day later, after first period ends.
Your child feels like no one—not even people who share his issues—understands his specific problems.
How it might come up: Like you did, your child has dyslexia and is really struggling to get by in school. He says, “It’s just too hard for me. It must have been different for you.”
You may be tempted to say: “Hey, I made it through because I worked hard and didn’t feel sorry for myself. And I’ve turned out OK.”
Instead, try saying: “My reading issues made school really hard for me, too. I felt jealous when I saw other kids having such an easy time. But tell me, what’s it like for you in English class?”
Why say this? Listening to and validating your child’s emotions can help keep him from feeling victimized and alone. This shows him that you care and that you don’t assume your experiences are exactly the same. That understanding can help you work together to find solutions for his difficulties.
Your child thinks school is just about getting into college.
How it might come up: SAT prep classes are wearing on your child. He says, “I’m never going to get into college anyway, so I don’t know why I have to be at school anymore.”
You may be tempted to say: “You are going to college. And these tests are supposed to be helping you get in!”
Instead, try saying: “Taking the SAT doesn’t mean you have to go to college. The purpose of high school is to open all kinds of different opportunities to you later in life. That might include college, and it might not. Yes, these tests are hard. So let’s make sure you’re getting the accommodations you need to show what you know. And if you don’t like the idea of college, then we can talk to the guidance team about different paths you might take after you graduate.”
Why say this? Tweens and teens tend to live in the moment. They may have trouble envisioning the future clearly. That makes it hard for them to think about the costs and benefits of their decisions. What you can do now is to help your child make decisions that will keep options open for him in the future, when he’s ready to think farther ahead.
Your child has tried and tried, and he’s at the end of his rope.
How it might come up: After many months of threatening to drop out, your child has put his foot down: “I’m not going back there.”
You may be tempted to say: “Oh, yes, you are.”
Instead, try saying: “So, what then? I get it, you’ve been frustrated for a long time. We’ve tried a lot of things. But dropping out and doing nothing isn’t an option. So what might we do next?”
Why say this? It can feel empowering to be in control of your future after years of feeling defeated. Together, check out local alternatives, magnet and charter school programs. Look at GED prep courses. Consider researching online schools. You may need to guide him through the process of exploring his options, but the process will show him he’s never out of opportunities. And he might decide that his current school is the best option after all.
It’s easy to get frustrated when your child threatens to drop out of school. But his threats are usually a signal that he’s frustrated, too. Keep in mind that if you work together, you may be able to address his issues and improve his experience with school.
Visit Parenting Coach for more ideas on how to help your child handle frustration and not give up easily.
