Sorry, I Missed This: The ADHD safety net hiding inside a kink power dynamic

Kink isn’t required to get something real out of a power dynamic. And for ADHD brains, it might be more than you’d expect

Sex and relationship coach Amanda Dames — The Kink Consultant — joins the show to talk about power dynamics and what dominance and submission can actually offer neurodivergent relationships once the stigma gets stripped away. Amanda and Cate start with the basics: what a power dynamic is, why it’s a negotiated role-play and not a real transfer of power, and how submission can function as agency rather than its opposite. 

From there, the conversation moves into what this looks like day to day — including a partner who quietly set household rules that ended up calming years of ADHD-driven chaos. And then into harder territory: the difference between structure that helps and control that doesn’t, how to tell the two apart, and what aftercare (a kink community staple) can offer any couple, kinky or not, after a hard moment.

• Watch: Kink, BDSM, and ADHD | Sorry, I Missed This

• Watch: Why neurodivergent women can’t stop reading smut and romantasy | Sorry, I Missed This

• Watch: Why good sex can make your ADHD brain spiral | Sorry, I Missed This

Amanda Dames: I see this all the time. People get into this like short-term dynamic where someone's handing over everything. The dom type takes it on, but that person burns out too, carrying the load of two people.

Then the dynamic ends abruptly and it starts to create this narrative of I'm not good enough when really it was just an unsustainable setup from the beginning that could have been tweaked a little bit.

Cate Osborn: That's Amanda Dames. She is a sex and relationship coach and certified sexologist. You might know her as the King Consultant over social media or as the host of "The Kink Consultant Podcast". And today, Amanda and I are sitting down to talk about power dynamics and how power dynamics can impact and influence relationships with ADHD.

A lot of times when we talk about kink, BDSM, power dynamics, words like dominance and submission can carry a lot of stigma and carry a lot of misunderstanding. And so I got curious. What happens when we remove the stigma, we remove the shame, and we just boil it down to its core: supporting our partners and showing up for them in the ways that they most need?

Hi everybody and welcome back to "Sorry I Missed This", the show where we talk about all things ADHD and its relationship to relationships, sex, intimacy, communication, and more. As always, it's me your host, Cate Osborn. Boy, am I excited for today's episode.

As many of you dear listeners know, I love talking about kink. I love talking about how it fits in and interacts and interplays with neurodivergence. I think power dynamics are a fascinating sort of delve into this topic. Now, if you are completely unfamiliar with kink, BDSM, all that stuff, that is okay.

You might want to go check out our "Kink 101" episode that we did a while back that might provide you with some foundational knowledge. Because what we wanted to do in this episode was make this conversation accessible to everybody. You don't have to be kinky. You don't have to want to get tied up. You don't have to want to get spanked, dear listener, but I'm not here to judge.

But what we wanted to sit down and talk about was just simply the idea of power dynamics and how things like dominance and submission and willingly and consentingly and negotiatingly giving up control can sometimes be a really powerful, regulated, intimate tool for the neurodivergent brain.

And we start at the very beginning. What is a power dynamic? What does it mean to be in one? We battle some common misconceptions and misunderstandings around what this is and definitely what it is not. I don't think that these are conversations that we have to whisper and clutch our pearls around. In fact, I think it is far healthier and far more interesting to have these conversations out in the open.

Because I think at the end of the day, all we are doing is we are recognizing the fact that submission, dominance might not be for everybody. But there are some people who find a lot of community and vulnerability and intimacy and capability in these practices. And so that is why I am super excited to welcome you to this exploratory conversation with Amanda Dames, the King Consultant.

Hi, Amanda. Thanks so much for being here. I'm so happy to have you.

Amanda: Likewise. So delighted to be here.

Cate: For our dear listeners who have been with the show for a while, you all know that ADHD and kink is one of my like very, very special close-held interests. And I feel like there are very much like two schools of people. There are this one school of people to whom like talking about this stuff is just like, well, yeah, it's a Tuesday. Like we're just going to talk about power dynamics or spankings or whatever.

And then there's this other group of people who are like, oh-ho-ho, at the very whisper of something kinky. And so like I'm really interested in speaking to sort of that middle group today. That group of folks who are like, I kind of know what this is but maybe I'm not super familiar.

And maybe they're a little curious, maybe they want to learn more, but maybe there's a little bit of that stigma, that embarrassment, that shame. Because I think kink is far more common and normalized than I think most folks even comprehend.

Amanda: No one should be embarrassed of their desire. Kink isn't this dungeon thing, whips and chains, but it can look really domestic. And actually, that's how I practice it today.

Cate: Can you talk a little bit about what a power dynamic is as we kind of define it in the kink community?

Amanda: So, I want to start by saying it's a roleplay. Because you're not truly handing over power. You're not even in a situation like your actual boss who you could lose your job if you do not follow this power exchange.

You and a partner are choosing to engage in a roleplay. And the idea is one person has power because they're the person making choices and the other person has surrendered their option to make a choice in order to follow the lead of the leader or most often called a dom.

Cate: I think in a lot of let us say vanilla couples, there is often an undiscussed power dynamic. There's often someone who is handling the bills or, you know, deciding where to eat or all of those things that just kind of happens unconsciously. That is a type of power exchange. It's just one that isn't necessarily been discussed, negotiated, and agreed upon in the same way.

It's just sort of one person prefers one role and one person prefers the other. Can you talk a little bit about how that can even show up when you are negotiating a power dynamic?

Amanda: Sometimes what you're describing is definitely not negotiated. It's a default. But when entering into a power dynamic, you kind of choose to be a little bit more intentional about it and really define the parameters of your role versus the other person's role.

And what you're each going to handle, who's going to decide the plans, who owns the calendar and decides whether you can do the things you want to do, which sounds a little oppressive. But sometimes some of us might over-exert ourselves or over-commit to things that we actually can't handle.

Cate: Can you imagine?

Amanda: No. Well, not me.

Cate: Never. It couldn't be me.

Amanda: That leader type might be able to say, you know, I think we're at capacity for our Saturday. And it's intentional because you're choosing to defer to one person to make the choice.

Cate: I think that sometimes people hear the word submission and like red flags go off like they're taking away my autonomy. They're taking away my power. As somebody who does so much of this work, can you talk a little bit about what it means to voluntarily give someone power and how submission can be an expression of agency?

Amanda: Voluntarily giving someone power is also something that we do naturally without thinking about it. There are things we outsource to somebody else and put them in charge. For example, I almost never do my own hair. If my hair is done, I've outsourced that to someone else and I submitted to them being the ones in charge of how my hair is going to look, right?

I negotiate with them. I say, this is what I'm looking for, but ultimately it's up to them to decide what happens, right? And I can renegotiate after the fact. It's not that different in a relationship. You're stating what you're hoping for, what your end goal is going to be, and then you are leaving it in their hands to make the actual decision of how it's going to go.

We view submission as I think a lot of times we think of it as weakness. Because in society, we're taught the leaders are in power, they're in charge, and that's the ideal. You should want to lead. You should want to be in power because that's the strongest version of you.

But that's not how society works. It's not how the world works. And I think we just get a little tense at the word submissive or submission because what it actually means in society is you're not in charge of your own life.

But I view it as optimizing your life. You know you have strengths and weaknesses and you're negotiating with someone to work through your weaknesses with them, but also to still own your own strengths.

Cate: Talk to me a little bit about gendered stigmata around submission and dominance. Because I know one of the things that I run into a lot is, of course, the woman is the submissive and the man is the dominant, right? And that's obviously we know that is far from the kinky picture of it all. Can you talk a little bit about how sometimes power dynamics can even subvert those expectations around gender?

Amanda: Do you mean how sometimes a woman is actually the one who can hold that dominant role more easily and a lot of men out there actually want to be submissive and that doesn't make them any less manly or whatever they might think it makes them?

It's just about someone leading and someone following and that doesn't need to be gendered at all. Is that what you're asking? I want to be clear before I answer.

Cate: Yeah. Well, I mean, you asked the question that was the answer. Because that's the thing is I just always want to be very careful of ascribing roles to particular genders. Because that's something that I think can sometimes unconsciously happen.

And so, particularly when, you know, this podcast is a podcast for women with ADHD, I don't want this episode to come off as, and here's why all of you should be submissive. Because I genuinely think that for a lot of people with ADHD — especially when it comes to things like structure and relational dynamics and the supports and the intimacy and vulnerability of dominance and submission — I think there are some people to whom the dominant role is much more suited.

And it doesn't have anything to do with gender. It doesn't have anything to do with, you know, society's sort of commentary on what relationship should or should not look like. It is wholly about your needs, your wants, your desires, and what feels the most right for you.

Amanda: And I actually find with a lot of women as they get older — I'm 37 — in my 20s I was a lot more submissive. And I find it came from this idea that, oh, for sure somebody else has things more figured out than I do. I should not be in charge. Like someone should be in charge of me.

And it's not that I thought less than of myself, I just had this assumption there were people around me who understood it better. And the older I got, I realized, no, I like things the way I like them and that actually makes me perfectly suited for the dom role.

06:15 Amanda and Cate discuss the concept of self-dom and personal growth.

Cate: You actually posted this recently and I must confess, I am obsessed with the idea of being your own dom. Like self-dom? Oh, my God. Can you talk a little bit just about that? I love it so much as a concept.

Amanda: I found myself in a place where I was just waiting for someone to come in and save me. Someone to organize my life and tell me what to do, when to do it, and I would just follow orders. And then it occurred to me that that is not how this works. I just sort of had to realize no one is coming to save me. And even if someone showed up, I don't think they were looking for a project.

I just knew I need to get my life a little bit in order so that if someone I want to meet shows up, I'm not just still in that waiting pattern but instead I'm like, oh yeah, I'm a fully functioning — partly functioning adult. And, like, I can be your equal or I am someone who we can do a power exchange with because I'm a firm believer in order to do some of this power exchange we were talking about, there needs to be something to exchange.

You can't be in this submissive, passive headspace about your whole life because then that person is just sort of picking up you as a project as opposed to working with you to make things better.

Cate: That was one of the concerns that I had. And I do think power dynamics can be an incredible tool for a lot of neurodivergent relationships, but I also didn't want this to become the episode about outsource your executive functioning to somebody else. Because that is not, I think, what this conversation is really about.

Because in some ways, like in a power dynamic, you can ask for things. Like, hey, you know, remind me to drink water or, you know, help me remember to take my meds and like that kind of thing. But I think that there is a difference between asking for support and like working towards something together and then this idea of just like waiting for somebody to come who can carry it all for you so you don't have to do it. And like that is where I think that power dynamic can be really unfair.

Can you talk a little bit about the connection and attention and intimacy that can develop when we really start negotiating and clarifying expectations, roles, and choices in a power dynamic?

Amanda: Yes. But before we even get into the intimacy side of it, I think what happens when people get into the dynamic, one of the things that's so appealing is they get to start to imagine a version of themself that is achieving everything on this list because they've outsourced it to somebody else.

And they fall in love with a version of themselves that I truly believe they have the ability to be, but they don't need that other person to make that version of them. The executive function and a healthy dynamic will create it, but oftentimes we attach ourselves to the dom, but what we're really attached to is the future version of us that we're in love with, you know? And we feel that heartbreak of like —

Cate: I've even been guilty of that.

Amanda: Me too, which is how in hindsight I've seen it. That is like the stepping stone to intimacy because I don't want people to conflate the intimacy they feel with the version of their future self that they're falling in love with and the intimacy created with the dom or the partner who's taking on this leadership or executive function role for them.

Because then there is real connection with someone who is taking time to get to know you and understand you. I think one of the most relatable human desires is to be seen and to be witnessed, right? And then you have someone who is taking time to ask questions about you, your life, how you live your life, and what more intimate question can be asked than tell me about you and how you live?

It puts you in the spotlight in one of the best ways of let me be vulnerable with this person and not alone. Trusting someone enough to be vulnerable with them, I think that starts to release that happy chemical that makes you think, oh, things feel good because I trust this person.

So, not only are you being seen by someone, but that same person is saying, I see you, I care about you, I want to help you, and they feel like they might be the answer to all of your problems. And that's where it starts. And the feelings are real. That feeling of being seen and being adored or cared for, it's what so many of us are looking for. And when you start to feel it, the word I'm looking for is intoxicating. And that runs deep.

Cate: One of the interesting things that I think is really powerful in a power dynamic — again, like negotiated relationship — is that there is a big difference between feeling like you're constantly being reminded or nagged or corrected or like even like managed. That can create a lot of resentment, a lot of anger, a lot of even like guilt and embarrassment around your executive functioning weaknesses.

So can you talk a little bit about how negotiated instructions or rules or that kind of intimate structure can feel emotionally different when you are entering into a power dynamic relationship?

Amanda: The guilt and the feeling of being a burden is very real. So, I think structure allows you to see it differently or at least from a different angle. Me and my partner, we're on the same team. But teams don't often have two people playing the exact same role, right?

So the structure you put in place is just both people deciding where their strength areas are and how they're going to lean into them. And sometimes there is just as much vulnerability and trust that goes into being the one taking on the leadership role. Because you carry your own version of a burden. And the burden isn't the submissive person. The burden is I'm being trusted and I can't break that trust.

So I think mutually coming together to create that structure — whatever it looks like. And sometimes it's like I'm in charge of laundry and you are in charge of grocery shopping. But other times it's like you have to take your medicine and get enough sleep so that you are the strongest member in this team that you can be.

Cate: I know a lot of ADHDers have like very long histories of being told, you know, they're irresponsible or forgetful or lazy or too much or too little at the same time, you know, sometimes. We see across the sort of I will say kinky ADHD population a lot of folks have an interesting relationship to rules, to praise, to discipline, to obedience, and even to authority.

Can you talk a little bit about how things like — I don't even remember the list that I just said — rules and praise and obedience and authority can sort of fit into a dynamic, but in ways that feel safe and accessible when we have maybe a negative relationship to those things?

Amanda: I would encourage anyone who thinks they want to enter into a relationship like this to think about what our sensitivities are. Just because you enter into a dynamic like this or explore a dynamic like this, it doesn't mean you're handing over full power. You still have a say of what's off-limits and what is fair game.

Basically, I think the high-level rule is if I'm overly sensitive about it, that being a part of our dynamic is a no-go. I constantly think I could be working harder, eating healthier, and going to the gym more. And whether or not any of that is true, I am not going to let anybody else into my headspace about that in a way that gives them any type of power or say in that.

We can have loving conversations, but it doesn't come into the dynamic. And then there are areas that I am fully willing to hand over control, like how clean the house is going to be because I know myself. I just moved in with my dom and my boyfriend and he was like, okay, when you walk in, you put your shoes by the door — only two pairs of shoes allowed. Your keys go here, your glasses go here, and your wallet goes here.

The handbag should not be on the table. And now our entryway is always clear because he created rules. I was not consulted on this one. It was just like, hey, this is what's happening both for my brain and yours. And this is how we're going to live our life. And that was an example of structure being put in place that really was for the better of both of us. Because I find there are some rules I'm really good at following. I just need someone else to create the structure.

Cate: I also think there's an element that often doesn't get talked about and it's one of my favorite things is co-regulation. And how co-regulation and support can show up.

Amanda: I say like it's owning your own stuff. Sort of how I described what I'm sensitive about and being able to communicate, hey, this is an area of sensitivity for me. I'm not expecting you to regulate it for me, but I want you to be aware. There is no power dynamic where someone just sees this in you and understands how to treat you.

You have to speak up about it. So that your other partner is aware. And I think that's part of the fantasy too. Someone's just going to know all of these things about you.

Cate: I think one of the most powerful things just about power dynamics, about kink, about BDSM as a whole is that you have to know yourself and be radically honest about what is and isn't going to work. Just the thing that draws me to this is that so much of these conversations just are around advocating for ourselves and really having to unpack some of the more difficult beliefs that we hold about ourselves, about our capacity, about our capability, and how we kind of fit into that conversation.

Amanda: Sometimes it's trial by fire, right? That's when you learn that your dom can't use you for regulation either. They cannot come in and give you this directive of — I mean, I'm trying to think of a non-shoe at the door example — but they can't offload all of their needs on you and treating you as the person who's going to make their life all better.

And that goes both ways. When you come into partnership, when you come into dynamic, you do have to look at the other person and think how much capacity do they have to meet me where I need them to versus how much do I have to stretch to meet them to where they can get to themselves?

12:47 Amanda and Cate explore practical applications and identifying red flags.

Cate: Another facet of power-dynamic-based relationships — I don't want to say kinky relationships? Because power dynamic doesn't necessarily have to involve kinky activities or like activities from like the BDSM toolbox. But one of them — one of the facets of them that I think again is often overlooked — is the idea of ritual. And how regulating and comforting shared ritual can be.

Amanda: It's really built on ritual. The trust is I trust you're going to do the things you committed to and that that is two-directional, right? It's not just the person in the dom role saying I trust you to do everything I tell you, it's also the sub being like I trust you to enforce everything you're putting in place too.

And around that, ritual can naturally happen or it can be put in place. And each time you're doing those things, you're strengthening the bond and the dynamic between you.

Cate: It's also another one of those things where I think non-kinky couples like there are often ritual that just exist anyway. And so for me it's like they fit perfectly well into the sort of ADHD need for structure and — what is the word?

Amanda: Safety?

Cate: Yeah, safety. That's it. I think of it as safety. Because I always feel that with the ritual I have with my partner I can return back to it and feel secure and safe and know things are okay. Because I don't know if you get this — this is not just my woman brain, I really do associate it with my ADHD — of thinking, oh, my entire life's about to fall apart or I've done something wrong.

Amanda: Oh, always.

Cate: Constantly. Constantly. All the time. Like, I don't know if it's the ADHD or the anxiety or the autism or what, but I'm just constantly like it's all — it's all over, this is it, this is the one. And I think just being able for me at least like my experience with, you know, power dynamics just being able to let go and offer someone that trust of like I just I don't want to have to worry for like 15 minutes. That like 15 minutes can sometimes be like the highlight of my week.

Sometimes when we talk about power dynamics, it can be very easy to just assume that it's like, well, you're in a 24/7, 365, it's happening all the time. What are other formats, other ways of kind of exploring this sort of roleplay negotiation support structure that doesn't have to be 100 percent of the time?

Amanda: Yes. So, I mean, there is that 24/7 version, but you still get to be off. Then there are smaller versions like we're just going to do this in relation to planning our extracurricular activities like the calendar for the weekend. Some people just explore it in the bedroom where one person leads and the other person follows and that can help when someone has lower desire, they know that the other person is going to be the leader and initiate.

So there are all these different versions and levels you can decide for yourself because there's no one way to practice this. You could literally just do it one day a week, like a Saturday where you're deciding, okay, we have a lot to get done. This person is in the dom role and I'm going to defer to them for instruction or guidance on how to get through the weekend together.

We all have a coping toolbox. And this type of dynamic can just be one tool in the toolbox where it just comes out for one specific area. It's especially helpful if you're like is this going to work for me, for us? Let's try it in that one small area and see how I feel about it.

Because there are some people who don't know until they start trying this who have this repulsion to being told what to do, and it might be in every area of their life or it might just be in one small part. So, it's going to be more helpful to understand if that's you if you're introducing one thing at a time or in one small area versus everything.

And then both people get to start building the muscle as opposed to someone stepping into that role where now they're in charge of everything and have to keep account of everything and they go zero to 100 and that is the best way to achieve burnout in record time.

Cate: Alongside that conversation around how sometimes these dynamics can get unhealthy. I think there are quite a few misnomers and stigmas around kink, around power dynamics that they're inherently abusive or that, you know, everybody who participates in kink is like tragically traumatized. And we know realistically that that is just not true.

But I think that speaking to dynamics that can become coercive or abusive is important. Because I think if you're going to explore this, it's important to understand safeguards and understand ways of ensuring that everybody is on the same page and all of this is consensually negotiated.

Can you talk a little bit about the differentials between, you know, care and, you know, having, you know, maybe strict rules — but having those be consensual and then having those be abusive or coercive or just problematic?

Amanda: First and foremost, I think one of the clearest things for me is if you are questioning is this getting abusive, is this person too controlling? One of the questions I always ask people who bring this to me is are you scared of losing them if you do not do exactly what they say?

Like is there something keeping you there out of fear? And my hope is that the fear would literally just be I'm afraid they'll leave if I don't do it because it could be even more violent and they will non-consensually hurt me if I don't do it. I hate to just over — rely on the word consent, but that's what it's all about.

If you do not feel comfortable in all of the things we've discussed about, you should have a safe word, a ripcord. That is what I was looking for to just stop it immediately. We call it a safe word where you could say red or whatever code word you come up with that means we need to stop being in this dynamic right now and have a real person-to-person conversation.

If you don't feel you have access to that word or you don't feel it's going to be respected, I would call it abuse and control. So you want to look out for why do I not feel like I have access to this? If it's fear of them leaving that is also something that needs to be addressed.

But if it's fear of I can't stop this, you're 1,000 percent in that abuse space and I would start trying to untangle the dynamic or speaking to domestic violence hotlines. I know that's really scary and it happens so rarely.

But that's why I talk about it too and I'm really glad you asked because it's really easy for people to say, well, this is kink, this is BDSM, or worse, you signed up for this. If you signed up for it, it means you can also remove yourself from the list. You can stop it too. Opt out. Opt out.

And if you feel you're in a situation where you can't opt out, then you are in that abusive space. However, it's worth talking to your partner and saying, I need to put this on pause, right? And that's how you figure out if they are going to honor that pause and they should.

I also want to call out sometimes we feel we get so in the headspace or we create such an identity around being submissive to someone that we forget as I started this conversation with, it is a roleplay. And if it's not working for you, you can shed that role and say, okay, we need to restructure this.

Cate: So, I would like to speak to our dear listeners who are like, I have no interest in this. No thank you, please. What do you think non-kinky relationships can just take away from the kink community around conversations about expectations, around, I don't know, responsibility, boundaries, all of that good stuff? What can we learn from the kink community?

Amanda: Oh, I don't even know if this is still just the kink community, but aftercare. Sometimes you go through intense things together and that doesn't just have to be sex. It could be intense intimate things like a harsh argument, right? Where emotions are high and you need to come down from it.

You need to reconnect with your partner and aftercare provides that. So I think everyone could benefit from that where you reconnect. You ensure the other person knows they are safe in this relationship and that you still care about each other no matter what has gone on.

What I love about that feedback time is you leave your ego outside the door. And you just come together and you share some of the things you noticed, you know, I observed this or I felt a specific way when XYZ happened and you're able to share that with the partner, explain, hey, when you did this, it didn't feel good for me, so in the future I'd prefer if you didn't.

The practice of giving each other feedback without ego can be for everyone. And I encourage people to start putting that into the relationship because that builds stronger bonds with each other.

Cate: Yeah. It's funny because the sort of ongoing punchline of the show is that every episode of "Sorry I Missed This" ultimately becomes about advocating for your own needs and knowing what you want, knowing what you desire.

And to me, this episode is sort of exactly the sort of encapsulation of that idea. Of a power dynamic, what it is boiled down is just two or more people — whatever you're into not here to judge — really boiling that down and saying: what do I need? What is going to make me feel the safest, the most secure?

And how can, you know, we give that to each other mutually and consentually in a way that just means maybe sometimes you don't have to think as much? And I just think there's so much beauty in that.

Amanda: Oh, there is. Because as you're saying it, I'm realizing yeah, what a dynamic is or at least for me, it is creating such a strong safety net with my partner that I can feel fearless in whatever I say or feel because we've built that safety net together.

Cate: Thank you for listening. Anything mentioned in the episode will be linked in the show notes with more resources. Have a question, comment, burning story you'd like to share? Email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"Sorry I Missed This" is produced by Jessamine Molli and edited by Jessie DiMartino. Video is produced by Calvin Knie, our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright. Production support provided by Andrew Rector. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson. And I'm your host, Cate Osborn. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you again soon. Shut the office door right in my dog's face. I'm a monster.