Parenting with ADHD: Balancing chaos and consistency

Parenting is hard. But parenting with ADHD adds a whole new layer of complexity. 

In this episode, journalist and documentarian Danielle Elliot shares her experience as a single mom navigating routines, decision-making, and the small daily choices that shape a child’s world. 

From sleep training to following her love of travel, Danielle is learning to embrace her own neurodivergence — and discovering how it can fuel both challenges and strengths in her parenting. 

• Listen: Climbing the Walls (Danielle’s podcast)

• Listen: ADHD and parenting fails

• Watch: My experience with ADHD and parenting

• Listen: ADHD runs in the family

Danielle Elliot: Yes, I have to listen to the pediatrician when she says routines and consistency are important for kids. But she can consistently take a nap at 10:00 in the morning while we're walking around the Brooklyn Museum.

She doesn't have to consistently take a nap in a crib where I'm just sitting in an apartment alone by myself and she's sleeping. I'm really leaning into the idea that I can find consistency while doing things that keep my brain engaged and activated.

Jessica Shaw: Parenting with ADHD can make an already difficult job even tougher. Doing it as a single parent seems even more daunting. But my guest today is doing both by choice and she's thriving.

Danielle Elliot is a documentarian and science journalist living in New York. Last year she gave birth to her daughter, Lumi. Also last year, Danielle hosted a documentary podcast called "Climbing the Walls," which chronicled the rise of pandemic era ADHD diagnoses in adult women.

Danielle herself was diagnosed with ADHD at age 36. If you want to hear more, definitely check out her podcast. You might know that ADHD is highly heritable. There's a good chance that if a mom has it, her daughter will too.

00:25 Danielle and "Climbing the Walls."

Jessica: So I wanted to sit down with Danielle to tell the story of how she came to the decision to become a single mom, with all the requisite fears, doubts, and expectations that come with it, and how her ADHD is both a challenge and a strength. Welcome to "Everyone Gets a Juice Box." I'm Jessica Shaw.

So Danielle, as you were thinking about having kids, how did ADHD sort of impact the choices you made about that process, about embarking on this journey?

Danielle: I think to answer that question, I should set this up by just saying a little bit of insight into me. I love to do things spontaneously and if I have too much time to think about them, I might just lose interest before I even do it.

And I say that because when I decided to do this, it was sort of on my mind. And I can remember times that I told — I remember after my grandmother's funeral, getting lunch with my cousin and saying, "I think I'm just going to do it by myself."

And then a year later, I said it to a therapist. And that was right around when I also said to her, "Do you think I might have ADHD?" So that was when I was getting to the point where I'm taking this more seriously. I should really hone in on the ADHD first.

I kind of used the ADHD — I'm not going to lie — the diagnosis and getting to know ADHD to delay it a little bit more. Because there was a fear, not of being a parent, but of doing it by myself.

I needed to know if there were things I should know about my brain and how to kind of make routines easier and make scheduling easier and all of the things that go into parenting. It felt like it would be easier to prioritize — I say sadly because you should want to prioritize it for yourself anyway — but for me, the idea of it's actually what I needed to do for a potential kid if I was going to have one.

The fact that it was for someone else made it easier to prioritize.

Jessica: Tell me more about that.

Danielle: Even before I was diagnosed, I had started looking into ADHD because it was so on the rise. A lot of the research I did showed that it's not about socioeconomic status, it's not just about genetics. Something that really plays into ADHD is chaos in the home.

And I just thought, if I am a single parent who hasn't even attempted to figure out if I have a neurodivergence when it seems like I probably do, our house would probably be pretty chaotic and I would be the only parent she has.

So it was a lot of the research on chaos in the home that made me think I should probably try to make my own life less chaotic before I add someone else's life into my chaos.

Jessica: Did knowing that with ADHD there tends to be chaos — and I hear you so hardcore on that — did that make you nervous? Or was it like, "Okay, I figured this out, now I know what to do to not be chaotic"?

Danielle: Oh, no. I'm still slightly chaotic. I'm at least self-aware of how to interrupt some of the things that I do subconsciously. I wanted to limit the detrimental chaos. I didn't want to completely curtail all of my chaos because I actually enjoy a lot of it and I think it's what's helped me have the career that I have.

I think it's what helps me maintain a lot of the friendships that I have and even develop a lot of the friendships that I have. And I don't think chaos is all bad. I should clarify that. So it wasn't like I was saying, "Oh, I need to figure out what's wrong with me so I can completely mute my personality so that I can be a mom."

I don't think that any of us with ADHD need to mute ourselves to be moms or to be good moms. But I think that there are things that are already showing up.

05:27 Managing the fear of raising a child as a single parent with ADHD.

Danielle: My daughter's six months old and at her six-month checkup yesterday, I was talking to the pediatrician about sleep training and I kept saying, "Well, what if I wanted to?" because I'm kind of always doing things differently.

And she just kept saying, "Danielle, it's just consistency. You can do it however you want, but babies just need consistency." And consistency's kind of the least prevalent thing in my life.

So as much as I planned for how I would be a good mom with ADHD, I'm still having to figure a lot of it out on the fly. And so I'm like, "Okay, we're going to actually have to make sure we're home at this time," at least for a few weeks in my head until she's used to patterns and her own consistency, or at least until she learns how to sleep through the night.

Jessica: I'm so curious how you approach sleep training. Did you sort of have to think about it like, "Okay, this is what I'm going to do," just sort of pre-plan the whole thing?

Danielle: Do you want to know how I really did it? Because this is so clearly I do not have a complete grasp.

Jessica: Parents everywhere are leaning in, like, "Please tell me how to make my baby sleep."

Danielle: No, they shouldn't do what I did because I took my daughter to New Zealand for five and a half weeks to visit friends. This is how chaotic things have still been.

And I will get to the sleep training — this is going to be one of those ADHD stories — but in early December, I kind of understood what I was doing at that point. She was three and a half, four months old and I texted a very close friend of mine who lives in Australia and I said, "I really wish we had planned January in New Zealand. I'm already over winter. I wish we were going to summer in New Zealand."

And she said, "My husband and I planned a trip there last week. We'll be there for three weeks in January" because it's their kids' summer break. Well, I had booked flights by that night.

I was like, "Okay, we're coming." So that's how New Zealand happened. It was slightly chaotic. And then we got home from New Zealand and I was like, "I can tell she's needing more. She can sleep through the night if I give her — if every time she opens her eyes we're not in a different place," which is what has been happening to her because I took her on a five-week road trip.

And so we get home, I saw a friend who has a son who's a week older than Lumi and she said, "We sleep trained and the first two nights were tough and by night three it was easy." And I was like, "Oh, I don't think I'm doing sleep training because I can't handle the idea of her crying. I just — we're not going to do it."

She's like, "No, no, Danielle, there's this app and the app sets the timers for you." And I very spontaneously, very ADHD, was like, "Oh, okay." So I decided to try it that night. My poor daughter is still completely adjusting to the time difference, so that was the weird part.

But she slept 11 hours. It was just that she slept from midnight to 11:00 AM. And then the next night she slept from 1:00 AM to noon. And so it was like, we sleep trained, but I also had to figure out how to adjust a newborn back to the right time zone.

So we were doing it and then she got sick and then I just couldn't imagine leaving her in the crib crying while she was sick. And then according to the pediatrician, I probably made it harder on myself because I taught her that if she cries loud enough I will come in and get her, especially if her nose is runny.

The app doesn't say to do that. So we started again last night. And the app is the — the short answer to your question is sleep training apps are your best friend because you don't have to think.

It takes all the executive functioning out of it, which has kind of been my approach to parenting with ADHD in many respects. Is take the executive functioning out of it. Let apps like some of the technology is actually pretty great.

10:48 The heredity of ADHD and concerns about future development.

Jessica: I want to rewind to before you had Lumi. How — what were your — first of all, I love how you talk about how it shouldn't be muted. No one should be muting.

So when you were thinking about having a baby, what were your thoughts knowing — I mean, you're a journalist, you've looked into this — ADHD is super hereditary, up to 90%, I think some of the stats are. It's also super undiagnosed in young girls. It's getting a little bit better, but still not total parity there.

So did it make you nervous? Was there any fear there? I mean, how did you feel about that?

Danielle: There was definitely fear there. There was fear balanced with an awareness that ADHD is not an unmanageable thing and awareness of it is sort of the first step.

So if I was paying attention to it and trying to — not exactly how to explain this — because it was sort of knowing that I would be making the decisions by myself actually made it feel like it might be easier to parent a child with ADHD, especially if I made myself an expert in it.

I wasn't going to be parenting with someone who wasn't becoming an expert in ADHD. And it also meant that we'll have the freedom to completely adjust if we need to. Like if a school is not working out for her and it's me and her, we can up and move somewhere — you know, we can adjust.

And that is definitely a privilege of single parenting in a way because there's a lot of people who can't switch their situation. But I was going into this knowing that I had a lot of concerns.

And then I realized I had concerns about everything, including the things that I don't know. And ADHD actually became the least of my concerns because — I don't remember how the saying goes, but it's like — is it "the beast that you know"?

Jessica: "The devil you know."

Danielle: "The devil you know." Yeah, so it's just a saying. Not that ADHD is a devil.

Jessica: No, not at all.

Danielle: My sister moved to Texas and now she says that all the time and I can never remember exactly how it goes. But yeah, I was really concerned about it, but then I realized that part of that was my own — whether it's ADHD, anxiety, or just general anxiety that a lot of people have — you know, you worry about everything that could happen with a kid.

Sometimes I'm pushing her in the stroller and I have this fear that I'm going to accidentally let go and it'll go in the street. That's ridiculous. It's not going to happen. But every little thing. So if I had focused completely on the fear in any sense, I never would have had a kid.

Jessica: Since you are a journalist, you have researched this. Are there specific things — and like you said, Lumi's like six months old — and you're just sort of watching and observing her development right now. Are there specific things that you feel like you're looking out for? Either things that your mom or your parents told you that you experienced as a kid or just in general?

Danielle: I know that when I was in — it was either fourth or fifth grade — at back-to-school night, the teacher said to my mom, "Danielle asks great questions, but by the time I'm answering them she's not paying attention. Like she's moved on."

So I think I'm going to try and just see where her focus is and I'm paying very close attention, not necessarily to her and how she does things, but how — or I'm not paying attention to it yet.

But when I'm thinking about where I want to send her for daycare even or for school, I'm thinking about where there's going to be the most interaction and engagement as opposed to technology.

And I'm looking a lot at the research on focus right now. So I'm actually not focused entirely on the research on ADHD as much as the research on cognitive development in general because we're seeing a lot of kids who don't have ADHD are struggling with cognitive development because of some of the technology in schools.

I'm just paying very close attention to that. So the only thing I can really be doing in that realm right now is playing with the toys that supposedly help with cognitive development.

And then she's great. She'll sit in my lap and let me read to her for an hour at a time, which is amazing and she's playing with the books and she's kind of already into them.

Jessica: How is that for you, reading for an hour at a time?

Danielle: It's great because the books are so short and they're so colorful. They're great.

Jessica: Just wait till "Harry Potter," you know?

Danielle: I don't know how that's going to go. I'm going to hope that she is into that. But yeah, it's just been a lot — I've been trying to, or I did as much research as I could while I was pregnant because you can't do much else. I was so bored and uncomfortable.

I tried to focus on that research and now that she's here, I'm just doing what feels right to me and reading feels right to me. But yeah, it's going to be trying to counter what we're seeing.

The latest research that I'm seeing come out is about technology in school and how this is the first generation that is not more cognitively advanced than their parents. And that's the first time that's happened since it was measured in the early or mid-sometime in the 1800s.

And they're saying that's because of the technology used in schools. Not the curriculums, not anything else, just the amount of technology. So Lumi doesn't watch screens. Drives my dad a little bit nuts, but he's — the TV is no longer on at my parents' house if we're there. But it's just little things like that because who knows what any of it's going to do for her, but I'll try.

15:50 Lifestyle changes since becoming a mother.

Jessica: As far as your expectation of how things were going to go — parenting with ADHD, single parenting with ADHD — you've got all those months to prepare and think about, "Okay, this is how it's going to be, this is the kind of mom I'm going to be," etcetera versus reality. How different is it?

Danielle: I mean, you want to think you're going to have so much control and you can control all these things. And then you just need to sleep, so you're going to leave her with your parents for the day. Or you're going to — I'm realizing that I have to tell myself to let go of things in the moment.

Perfectionism is gone, I would say, is the biggest thing. So far there's just been really good things. Like I think I've wanted help more. Actually, I would say in the first like three or four months, I kept driving to my parents' house in New Jersey because it's just like, "Oh, it is actually so much easier to do this with other people."

And then I think that trip to New Zealand was slightly also because I have always had a hard time with transitions. And kind of ambiguous transitions is — I didn't think this clearly about it before I went, but when I came home, I was like, "Oh, I think that's what I was doing."

She was sort of out of the newborn phase as we were leaving, but it was like this ambiguous transition happening. And I think I went on a trip to kind of mark that — like I came home with a baby. I left with a newborn and I kind of came home with a cognizant baby.

And having that time was so helpful — being away during that was so helpful because it helped the transition. And I don't even know fully how to explain that. But it's like, if we just continued to be home every day but then needed to instill routines and patterns just because I snapped my fingers one day and decided I had to, I don't think it would have worked for me.

But telling myself, "Oh, we have to do this now because we're home from this trip" made it easier. I don't know if this is making any sense. But it's like those ambiguous transitions — like, "Oh, we're in a new phase of your life, but I didn't even realize it happened" — are really throwing me off. So having some sort of distinction between them has been helpful. But I don't know how I keep that going. I can't take her to New Zealand every time she's growing.

Jessica: Why not, Danielle? Why not?

Danielle: We are going to Berlin next month, but yeah. There you go, another transition. She'll start walking there, you'll be solid.

Jessica: What are you nervous about? Like I feel like with myself, there are so many things of like, I know this propensity to be like a certain way or whatever. Are there things that you're sort of in yourself like, "Okay, I got to look out for this thing" when she's an adolescent or a teenager? And you will get there.

Danielle: The hardest part for me so far has been that when she does go to sleep at a normal time, then I'm in my apartment and I'm like, "Oh, I'm just here. Like I can't go anywhere."

And I didn't even have plans that night, but in the past, it would just be like, "Oh, I can go do anything I want." And I can't do that anymore. So she goes to sleep at 8:00 and I'm like, "I guess I'll watch TV."

But I'm so bored by TV now because it's just not interesting. For a while she was up till 10:00. I was like, "This is great, we just hang out until 10:00." But now she needs to go to bed earlier and my nights have become so boring and so quiet.

And what I've noticed is that when friends do stop by or when friends are over, or if we're out with friends, I'm so willing to push it a little bit more because I just want to hang out a little bit longer.

So I'll just keep her awake or I just won't give her her bath and — then I'm like, "Wait, no, no, she's the one who's supposed to be the priority." So I think you sort of treat your kid as an extension of yourself, no matter how well-intentioned you are.

If you're a person who's used to sort of putting aside the specific thing you wanted to do — I kind of am like — not always a people pleaser, but in many ways I am. And I'm trying not to like put her needs aside just to please other people's — just to please other people.

Does that make sense? And I really don't want to teach her to do that for herself, but I also just don't want to do that to her. Right? Because like her consistency is based on my consistency, and if I prioritize what someone else wants to do, I'm not helping her. So that's been the hardest part.

Jessica: Now that Lumi is here and growing, how are you incorporating your ADHD-ness into your parenting?

Danielle: I think it's the amount of stuff we're doing. I think the — like I said, we were away for a while and I can see now — so we've been home for two weeks. And the first week home, I was so bored. I live in a fourth-floor walk-up, I wasn't leaving the house.

And then I finally started leaning into my ADHD more, if you will, and trying to counter that boredom. And I decided that for the next 30 days we have to do something every day. So yesterday we were at the — we went from the library to the Brooklyn Museum to her doctor's appointment.

I'm just leaning into what keeps my brain activated. So I would say now that Lumi's actually here, I'm learning how much it's like — yes, I have to listen to the pediatrician when she says routines and consistency are important for kids.

But she can consistently take a nap at 10:00 in the morning while we're walking around the Brooklyn Museum. She doesn't have to consistently take a nap in a crib where I'm just sitting in an apartment alone by myself and she's sleeping.

I'm really leaning into the idea that I can find consistency while doing things that keep my brain engaged and activated. I don't know, I'm still pretty new to it. But I think that's the biggest thing.

I think actually travel is the biggest thing that I'm really still leaning into. In some ways, it actually feels like I'm back to living my life the way I used to because for those four years of fertility and IVF — and honestly for like two or three years before that with trying to date and actually meet someone — you have to be in one place.

And so for the last five or six years, I've primarily been in one place. And now we're able to go other places and she comes everywhere with me. So it's just that much easier. But yeah, I'm leaning a little into the good chaos.

Jessica: Do you think about that — do you have fears of that as she gets older, of "How am I going to sort of meet my needs as someone with ADHD with meeting her needs of consistency"?

Danielle: Yeah. I mean, I think — this is one of those, I have no idea if this relates to ADHD — but it's sort of like you think, "Oh, I'm going to wait to have a kid because once you have a kid, you have to be settled."

And then I had a kid and I'm like, "Oh, I have four years to do everything I want to do" because then she'll be in school and I'm going to be a — we're going to be in one place when she's in school because I just think that growing up in a place is important.

I think that's something I want to give her. So yeah, I think about that a lot. And I'm realizing that I'm trying to just fit 15 years' worth of stuff that I want to do into the next three years because in my mind I'm going to be caged into one place so that I can give her a stable school situation.

And it's probably not going to work out that way, right? Because parenting, I thought as soon as I had her I would stay in one place so that it wasn't chaos. But yeah, I think about that a lot.

And I don't know. Things are — the world is so completely different than it was 10 years ago that I think about it and I'm like, when she's 10 years old, I don't know what the world's going to look like.

Like I don't know if I'm still going to want to live in the US. I don't know — you know? Like I think about some of that stuff and I'm like, man, every time I've focused on hypotheticals, the world's completely changed before I even got to the point where the hypothetical could have come true.

So I would say if anything, I talk back to my ADHD — like my existential dread — by saying it's — I had all these concerns — I worried that I would have postpartum depression. I'm extremely lucky that I don't at all.

But when I think about how much time I spent worrying that that was going to happen — like it was almost a reason — that was a fear to not have a kid at all. But it was a completely unfounded fear for me, but you've no way of knowing it until you're actually in the situation.

So I try and apply that logic to any of the dread that I have about the next 20 years of her life because I don't know, we're just going to face everything when we get to it. And so many things are outside of my control.

So if I try to parent as if I can control all of the situations, I'm going to be the one who's really losing it because you can't control. Like there's other people in her life. Other things are going to — you know, I can't control all of it.

Jessica: Anyone else ready to pick up their kid and move to New Zealand whether or not they need sleep training? Even if you're not, I'm guessing Danielle's story resonated with you.

It certainly did for me. How she listens to what her own brain needs while simultaneously determining what's best for her own daughter. How she can look back at how ADHD fueled her anxieties and also think about Lumi's future and how she wants to model living.

We all know this, but sometimes it's a great reminder that ADHD comes with a lot of wildly different colors on the palette of life. I'm always inspired by how someone paints their own picture. See you for the next one.

Thanks for listening to "Everyone Gets a Juice Box." Our show is hosted by me, Jessica Shaw. It's produced by Cody Nelson and video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Jesse DiMartino.

Briana Berry is our production director and Neal Drumming is our editorial director. If you have any questions for us or ideas for future episodes, write me an email or send a voice memo to podcast@understood.org.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.