Parenting regrets and giving yourself grace after an ADHD and autism diagnoses

After ADHD and autism diagnoses reshaped his family, Dion Chavis began looking back at how he parented his teenage daughter — and forward at how he’s raising his young son. In this conversation, he shares the lessons he learned about academics, connection, anger, grace, and apologizing. It’s an honest look at how parenting evolves and what happens when you decide to grow alongside your kids.

• Read: ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)

• Listen: Navigating your child’s diagnosis (self-care tips)

• Listen: Emotional regulation as a mom with ADHD

A family diagnosis [00:00]

Dion Chavis: You got a 15-year-old. They don't always want to hear what you got to say, right? It is, "Why are you breathing so hard, Dad? Why are you closing the refrigerator so many times?" It's all of these things you feel like you could do nothing right. And for me, it was like I had lost my best friend.

And trying to help her navigate her stuff, but also me navigating the grief that comes along with losing the child that you have built this connection with for the last 15 years.

Jessica Shaw: Today I speak with a dad with some regrets. What? Regret as a parent? Who has those? Dion Chavis lives in North Carolina. He's a former radio DJ and a current family engagement educator. More on that in a minute.

He has two kids — a daughter who's in her early 20s and college, and a young elementary school-aged son. A few years ago, all three of them got new diagnoses. First, Dion's son was diagnosed with autism at age 3. And then his daughter, in high school at the time, got an ADHD diagnosis. Soon after, Dion himself also got an ADHD diagnosis in his early 40s.

Any one of those diagnoses is a lot for a family to take on, let alone three in quick succession. He found himself simultaneously looking back on how he parented his daughter, looking forward on how he wanted to parent his son, and looking in the mirror.

And I so get that. I remember when my second kid was born. I remember thinking, "Oh my God, this is my chance to do things a little bit different." And it's a little bit shame-filled and a little bit hopeful. And ideally, if you do things right, you do change a lot.

So, on today's episode, Dion reflects on his parenting journey so far, including what he's learned and where he went wrong with his daughter and hopes to correct with his son. This is "Everyone Gets a Juice Box," and I'm Jessica Shaw. Here's our conversation.

Reflecting on mistakes [01:59]

Jessica: Tell me about figuring out how to, on some level, did you feel like you're playing catch-up when you have a diagnosis at 15 with your daughter? Are you like, "Oh my God, like, she's only home for a few more years. I have to cram in so much stuff"?

Dion: To me, it was more of a looking back at the way that I parented her and really kind of analyzing how I parented her. And that was my first experience, of course, as a parent. And I realized, as I look back, some of the mistakes that I might have made, right?

And I knew that with raising my son, I didn't want to make those same mistakes. I knew that with this new information of parenting a child that is neurodivergent, I knew I had to handle it different. And I knew that there were some things that I had done in my parenting with my daughter that I needed to, number one, apologize for.

But also I needed to be sure that I didn't make those same mistakes going forward with her and with her brother. I had to be more sensitive. I had to be more open-minded. I had to educate myself more, right? Because growing up — like you said, I grew up in the '80s and '90s — and we didn't, especially in Black communities, we didn't have diagnosis of ADHD.

We didn't accept oftentimes that there may be medicines to help us, to treat us, to give us the things that we needed to help us thrive and to help us survive those rough years. So, it caused me to be very retrospective, to look at things in a very retrospective way, from the way that I was parented to the way that I was parenting both of my kids at the time.

Focusing on academics versus social development [03:59]

Jessica: So, when you say that you feel like you were looking at mistakes that you made, what were the mistakes that you identified?

Dion: I've told my daughter this and I've kind of processed this through therapy. One of the mistakes that I think that I've made was having so much focus on academics and not enough focus on her social development, right?

I think oftentimes as parents, we want our kids to be the best that they can be and do the best that they can do. And we want them to attend the best schools and to get the best grades and to do all of these things. But oftentimes, especially at this age when the brain is still developing, we forget that they still need certain social connections.

And we forget that they still need to have certain relationships. And having a child who unfortunately sophomore and junior year, she was at home, right, because of the pandemic. So, she didn't get any opportunity to go to certain field trips with her classmates. She didn't have an opportunity to go to junior prom or things like that.

And I was solely, as she was coming out of middle school, I was only thinking about academics and only thinking about pushing her academically and not necessarily thinking about how she would develop as a person. But also the world has changed from 2020 until 2026. So, the world that we were raising our kids in in 2020 is not the world that we're raising them in in 2026.

Like I will tell her, as a young African-American girl, she would have to work three times as hard as everybody else just to get half the results as everybody else. And, "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps," and all of these things that we were taught and all of these things that we were fed growing up because that was going to be the way that you're going to succeed. And we have now seen that that may not be the truth.

Jessica: Yeah, absolutely. And it's interesting because you talk about that focus on what's the next thing? What's the college? What's the career? What's the, you know, "path to success" or whatever it is.

And I feel that way too. It's like we're so forward-thinking that we don't think about the now. We don't think about the emotional intelligence of the now and the way that those seeds — those are going to flourish later, you know? Like if you plant that now, it's regardless of what college you go to, regardless of what job you have.

Those connections and being able to have empathy or just simply connect with someone and the way that that is just such a necessity for everyone.

Dion: Yeah. And I'm fortunate I can say that the seeds that I did plant, I have started to see those things grow. And she's 21 and thriving and flourishing and is just a great person, a great human being, and it's someone who I admire. When I look at her, I just admire all of the things that she does and the person that she is now at 21 years old.

Much better and more accomplished and much more traveled than I was at 21, right? But that also doesn't mean that I don't look back on some things that I could have done better.

Jessica: Do you beat yourself up? Or are you like, "Okay, I just didn't have the information"?

Dion: Not anymore. Again, once she turned 18, my therapist and I had a conversation. And it was at that moment that I really understood — I think, you know, getting her to that finish line of graduation. I think that was a time when I was kind of beating myself up.

Because, you know, there were some custody issues and some things with her mother that we went through that weren't always the best. But once I discovered that as a parent, I was doing the best I could in the moments that I was in with the resources that I had, I stopped beating myself up.

Because I knew that in every moment, regardless of the circumstances, I was doing my best to raise her. Even when I was a single father, I moved from Virginia to North Carolina just to be closer to her. Just so I could be sure we had that relationship. A three-hour driving distance just to make sure that I was able to be a part of her education.

Just to make sure that I was able to see her every other weekend and to walk her into school or to have conversations with her teachers and things. Like, all of those things were important to me. So, I knew that I did what I could with what I had in those particular moments.

Jessica: When you said earlier that you made a point to apologize to her, how did you apologize? And how did you approach that with her?

Dion: And, you know, for me, apologizing isn't like a one-and-done thing. Like there are times when some things will pop into my mind, right? And I'll just be like, "Man, I could have handled that better." And I will either call her or when I see her the next time — she's away at college — so when I see her the next time, if I feel that it's important enough, I will broach a conversation and be like, "Hey, do you remember when —?"

Now, a lot of stuff she doesn't even remember, right? So, it's stuff that's sitting in my mind that she is just oblivious about. She doesn't even — I'm like, "You remember the time we were at Target and I told you you couldn't get the toy and then I started yelling and I started fussing because I was stressed?" She'd be like, "Dad, what are you talking about?"

And I'll be like, "Oh, you know what? Just forget it. Just never mind. Just never mind." So, for things like that —

Jessica: You're like, "But I had to get it off my chest!"

Dion: I had to — I got it off my conscience! You may not remember, but I got it off my conscience, okay? So, but for larger issues — and there's only been, honestly, just like one or two that I think have kind of followed me throughout this journey.

The value of connection [11:59]

Dion: One of them was pushing her to go to a certain high school. And we had this conversation a couple of years ago when I had to apologize. Because coming out of middle school, she had the opportunity to go to, and here in North Carolina we have what they call early colleges.

So, I kind of pushed for her to not go to the high school with her friends that she had grown up with for the last six, seven years or whatever. I pushed for her to go into this early college. And, you know, she had to write the application and I helped her with the application. She had to write an essay and all of these things. And I had conversations with the principal.

And all of these things that as a parent we do, like we want our kids to get the best education. But just like I told you, I didn't take into consideration the social aspect of pulling her away from those friends that she had grown up with that lived in her neighborhood for the last six or seven years. I didn't think about that.

And to me, that might have caused some of the struggles that she faced in that, again, 15, 16, 17-year-old phase because she didn't have connections with any real friends because I pushed her in this direction to go towards her education and to go towards this early college.

So, that was something that I had to apologize for. But again, I didn't know, right? I didn't know. If you ask me now, right, and I've had conversations with friends who have been in similar situations, and I tell them education is very important. Like, we want our kids to go to the best schools. We want our kids to do the best that they can do. But don't forget about the social piece.

Like, don't forget about those connections that they're going to need. Because it's going to get tough. It's going to get tough.

Jessica: When you talk about educating yourself into what ADHD looks like and then with your son and what autism looks like and the best ways to parent are — and you said that your daughter was, you know, that how important it was to have those connections and everything.

And I'm curious in your educating yourself, what was the link that you learned as far as the connection between her connecting with other kids and her ADHD?

Dion: It made me think about how she has always been growing up, right? And as I researched and kind of studied and thought about my childhood and the ways that the ADHD had affected me throughout my childhood and then throughout my adulthood, it caused me to look at the way that she built relationships.

And it's so funny because it then turns into a conversation of as she gets older — as we fast forward a little bit in college — now we have to have conversations about how you go about managing your relationships, your friendships. Do you walk away easily from these friendships when something happens?

Which is something that I started to kind of notice with her is that if something didn't go the way that it was supposed to in a relationship or friendship, I should say, she wouldn't hesitate to leave, right? She's not hanging around if it doesn't feel like it's supposed to feel.

And, you know, we just had to have conversations about, well, sometimes the relationships could be worth salvaging, right? And of course every relationship isn't, but I had to make sure that she knew that it's okay to sometimes salvage a relationship. It's okay to sometimes fight for a relationship if it's something that you really believe in, right?

And again, this is all, I think, this is more, I think, it's more to do with raising any child, whether they be neurodivergent or not — raising them to understand the value of connection.

Jessica: And that connection's not always easy.

Dion: It's not always easy. It's not always easy. And when it gets hard, are you willing to put in the work to keep that connection there? If it's a connection that you value. But again, with being disconnected from her classmate due to the pandemic, she didn't have the opportunities to learn those things. So, you're learning on the fly.

So, you take that and you compound it with the ADHD, with the, you know, her struggles that she was having during that particular period — and it just becomes a lot. And as a parent, you have to figure out how to help them navigate that, but also how to navigate it yourself. Because, you know, you know you got a 15-year- old. They don't always want to hear what you got to say, right?

Jessica: Wait, what?

Dion: Right! At that age it is, "Why are you breathing so hard, Dad? Why are you closing the refrigerator so many times?" It's all of these things you feel like you could do nothing right. And for me, it was like I had lost my best friend.

And trying to help her navigate her stuff, but also me navigating the grief that comes along with losing the child that you have built this connection with for the last 15 years. Because it's like they start to shed their skin and they become a totally different person and you don't always recognize them.

So, that for me was a struggle. So, yeah, I think that putting all of those things into a pot — and the ADHD and the mental health struggles and the school and the pandemic — all of those things, you mix them up together and you just have a recipe for tough times.

Jessica: I wanted to jump in here to say that since Dion and I spoke, I've been thinking about what he said about his daughter during her teenage years. If things didn't go her way in a friendship, she wouldn't hesitate to cut things off.

This story made me think of something called rejection sensitive dysphoria, or RSD. This isn't a medical condition or a diagnosis, but it's a term to describe when someone experiences rejection more intensely and takes longer to recover.

And while I didn't ask Dion about it while we were talking, I wanted to say here that RSD is really common among people with ADHD, especially women. As you might imagine, this can really affect friendships, self-esteem, focus — a whole bunch of different things. I'll put some more info in the show notes, but for now, back to our conversation.

I always struggle, I have to say, as a parent, with there are times where you're like, "Okay, is this my child's neurodivergence that is leading them to act this way? Is this the impact of the pandemic that is leading them to act this way? Is this adolescence or teenage years that is leading them to act this way?"

Dion: Yes.

Jessica: Or is it just all part of this murky soup? And you gotta kind of — I'm always like, I just want to know which one it is! So, I know as a parent how to approach it. Do you feel that way?

Parenting from a place of selflessness [19:59]

Dion: For sure. And my go-to is always going to be that their brain is not going to be fully developed until they're 23 years old, right? And even at that age, I think back to when I was 21, 22 years old. Again, I don't think the way that I think now. My brain hadn't developed.

And I think more than anything, giving them grace in all of those spaces. Whether it be because of the pandemic, whether it be because of adolescent angst, whether it be because of neurodivergence, whatever it is, we still have to give them grace.

And that is one of the things that I have learned parenting a child on the spectrum who, again, he hasn't been diagnosed with ADHD, but he has traits of ADHD, right? He has the traits.

Giving him grace to just be who he is and just giving him the spaces and the opportunities to live life and to learn and to make mistakes and to fall and to fall again and to fall 10 more times, right? Because that is what this life is about. It's about learning and growing as we go.

And oftentimes, I think we as parents, we say things like, "Well, you should know better," or, "You should —." Okay, maybe, but that doesn't mean that I stop extending you grace. That doesn't mean I stop extending you the opportunities to make mistakes. Because I've been extended more grace than I could even imagine, more grace than I could even fathom.

And I'm still here, still making mistakes, still learning. So, I can't expect you to have it all figured out if at 45, I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

Jessica: Do you have moments with your son where something will happen and you'll think, "Oh, I'm going to parent differently in this moment because I have learned from how I parented my daughter and I am making a conscious decision now to do the other end of the spectrum of what I would have done 10 years ago or 13 years ago"?

Dion: Every day. Every day, every day. I think that with my daughter, I was, again, there was no blueprint. There was no — I didn't have a father growing up. My father was shot and killed when I was 11 years old. So, I didn't grow up with a father. I didn't have a lot of male role models to — I just knew with her that I wanted to be there.

And I knew what I didn't want to be and what I didn't want to do. I didn't know how to do it because no one ever showed me, right? But I knew what I didn't want to do. And in that, you make a lot of mistakes. With my son, I have grown and I have matured and I am a totally different — not totally different, but I'm a different person than I was in my 20s and in my 30s, right?

So, with him, I kind of sit back and parent him based on what his needs are. I think that as I was parenting my daughter, it was more so parenting out of what my needs were, right? "I need you to go to an early college because I need you to get this education because I want to be —." It was more so about me. I parented from a position of selfishness.

When she would make mistakes and I would get angry, looking back now, that anger oftentimes was rooted in me feeling inept as a parent. "You did this because I didn't do enough to teach you not to do it," right? "You did this thing because I did something wrong. I failed."

But with my son, I'm parenting from a space of selflessness, right? It's not about me. It's about getting him everything that he needs. It's about getting him the services, giving him the love, giving him the strategies that is going to help him grow up in this world and succeed and thrive.

So, from a parenting perspective, it's two totally different spaces. I'm parenting from two totally different — and then also, I've got a wife who has been here with me to kind of be on this journey. And we're learning and growing and raising these kids together.

So, it becomes, again, more of a team effort, whereas with my daughter, for the majority of those years, it was kind of just me. Because her mom and I didn't have the best relationship. So, when she was with me, it was just me being her parent and again, parenting from a place of the things that I thought that I needed to raise her.

Normalizing conversations about ADHD [22:41]

Jessica: Do you talk to your kids about your own diagnosis and how that — so, and you talk to them about theirs and yours? And what are those kind of conversations? I imagine they're different with each kid, but —.

Dion: Well, when I was initially diagnosed with the ADHD, I pulled my entire family, my immediate family, to the dinner table. My wife, my son, my daughter, my mom is here with us also — and had a conversation with them. Like, "Hey, this is what is happening with me. This is what the assessment says. And they have told me some medicines that I could take to help with this process."

Because I want to normalize these types of conversations. I don't want these types of conversations to be taboo. I don't want them to be conversations that we can't have, right? And it makes it easier for me to discuss things with my daughter. Of course, she's the oldest, but we can have conversations about therapy. We can have conversations about medicine.

And I can openly discuss my journey with her. So, as my son gets older, I'll have more conversations with him about these things.

Building community with other dads [24:49]

Jessica: You are also a family engagement educator. First of all, tell me what that is.

Dion: So, I am a certified positive parenting coach, but also the work that I do with schools and with organizations is to help them understand the importance oftentimes of connecting with family, specifically with fathers, and the roles that fathers play in the education of their children.

How to get Dad more engaged? Because we see that a lot of times spaces are very inclusive of moms, but they forget about Dad. And they don't have language that is inviting to Dad or that makes Dad know that he is welcome.

Jessica: Do you find that you hear from dads, either neurodivergent dads or with neurodivergent kids, and you're able to — is there something specifically that you feel like neurodivergent kids get from their dads being involved in school?

Dion: Well, the data shows that if a child has their father engaged, then a child is more likely to graduate, less likely to drop out, less likely to engage in drugs and alcohol, all of those things. But I think that one of the things that I've discovered, Jessica, is that when we have these conversations, oftentimes as dads, we don't know that there are other dads who are in a similar position that we are, right?

So, when I have these group conversations and I talk about my son being on the spectrum, you'll get a dad who will say, "Well, my daughter's on the spectrum," or, "My son is on the spectrum too." And then we can kind of come together and build a bigger community. Because now I'm not struggling alone.

I have someone else who I can connect with. If we live in the same neighborhood, now I have somebody else who maybe my child can play with. Because if we have a neurodivergent child, they may not have the social skills that other kids have, right? So, maybe our kids can come together. Maybe we can build a playgroup for our kids, for neurodivergent kids.

So, it's really for me about building those connections and taking away the stigmas that come with oftentimes having a child who is neurodivergent. We oftentimes think, "Well, I don't want to label the child. I don't want my child to have a label. I don't want my child to be named this or called this." Or, "I don't want my child to have an IEP or a 504."

But when you find that there are people who are in similar situations that you're in and are struggling — because this is a struggle, right? It's not easy. It can feel lonely because you don't get the same — and I don't want to say benefits that other parents do — but you can't always go out and have, let's say, a date night with your spouse if you have a child that's neurodivergent sometimes, right?

You can't always go out to the store without the worry of a meltdown, right? At one point, my therapist and I were talking some years ago — and this is when my son was in heavy meltdown mode — and I was working from home.

And I would be working and I would have to have one eye and ear on what I'm working on and the other eye and ear on what's going on downstairs or in another room in case he has a meltdown. So, it's like you're always on edge. It's almost like PTSD, right? Because you're just waiting for the next thing to happen, the next shoe to drop, the next landmine to get stepped on.

And those things make it, again, much more difficult to parent and to go through life. And that can feel lonely. It can feel like nobody else gets it. Nobody else understands it. And when you don't have anyone to journey with, you don't have anyone to talk to about what you're going through, then it makes it harder.

Parenting itself is hard, but parenting a neurodivergent child is a hundred times harder sometimes, right? But if there is someone that I can lean on, someone that I can connect with, that makes the journey a little bit easier.

Jessica: Thank you to Dion. And what he said times a billion: "If there is someone I can lean on, that makes the journey a little bit easier." Because, yeah, he has regrets. Guess what? I do too. And I have yet to meet the parent who doesn't.

Frankly, I'm not even sure I want to. But I do love talking to someone who can say, "Hey, I see what I did for the good and the could-be-better, and I'm going to tinker with things because how to parent isn't etched into a stone tablet." Different kid, different needs, different parenting. Thanks for joining and see you for the next episode.

Thanks for listening to "Everyone Gets a Juice Box." Our show is hosted by me, Jessica Shaw. It's produced by Cody Nelson, and video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Jessie DiMartino. Briana Berry is our production director, and Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

If you have any questions for us or ideas for future episodes, write me an email or send a voice memo to podcast@understood.org. This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson.

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.