ADHD and routines: How to build habits that stick

Routines aren’t about perfection. They’re about keeping the peace and developing a sense of stability. 

In this episode, Dr. J explains why traditional routines can feel impossible for ADHD brains — and what actually works.

Think tiny, doable habits. Attaching new routines to things you already do. And yes, leaving room for rest, fun, and even the occasional “I forgot my socks” day.

• Listen: ADHD and time perception

• Read: One woman’s daily routine with ADHD

• Read: How to build habits with ADHD

• Watch: Jessica McCabe on sticking to habits and routines

Dr. J: If you clicked on this episode, chances are you have a tough time with routines. Maybe you've tried all the planners, set the alarms, and downloaded all the habit-tracking apps, only to be burnt out after a few days. Today, we're talking about ADHD and routines. I'll explain why routines are important, why they're hard to follow, especially for women, and how to finally build ones that stick. This is "ADHD and...," where we talk about everyday life in ADHD. I'm your host, Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with people with ADHD.

If you've once set seven alarms to remember to put your clothes in the dryer and forgot anyway, this one's for you.

(00:50) The importance of routines for managing chaos.

Dr. J: So, why do we even need routines? For many women, and frankly people with ADHD, the word routine sounds like a trap. It's like someone saying, "Just be consistent" as if your brain didn't already try to do that and forgot what it was doing halfway through. But here's the thing, routines aren't about becoming a robot. They're about building safety and stability in a brain that is constantly managing chaos.

Without consistent routines, women with ADHD often experience what feels like an endless loop of chaos. Time perception issues kick in. Somehow, it's 6 p.m. and you haven't eaten or showered. Executive function struggles means that deciding what to wear becomes as complex as solving a calculus problem. And emotional dysregulation, without the buffer of a routine, minor inconveniences feel like catastrophes.

Research shows that structured environments significantly improve attention regulation and reduce the anxiety that often accompanies ADHD. Routines also combat decision fatigue. When you have a morning routine, you don't want to be deciding what to eat, wear, or do first. It's easier to simply follow a map. And what can you do with that freed up mental energy? You can actually use it for things that matter.

(02:11) Understanding the struggle with routines.

Dr. J: So if this is so essential, why does it feel impossible? Because the odds are stacked against you. Let's talk about a few of the reasons. You've been trained to put other people first. From a young age, many women are socialized to prioritize other people's needs over their own. So even if you had a routine, if someone else has a crisis, well that takes the top spot. Studies show that women often carry the mental load of household activities and caregiving, which disrupts their personal routines. This means that you're not inconsistent, you're overextended.

Next, I want to talk about hormones. Hormonal shifts throughout the menstrual cycle can affect dopamine and norepinephrine, the very neurotransmitters that ADHD medications target. That means that your focus, mood, and motivation fluctuate for biological reasons. Building flexibility into routines, like lighter tasks during low-energy phases, keeps you aligned with your body, not against it.

The next thing to mention is masking and burnout. Women with ADHD often become pros at masking, overcompensating to appear like they have it all together. But this kind of emotional labor drains your energy reserves, making routines harder to sustain. It's not that you lack discipline, it's that your brain is tired from pretending. Chronic masking has been linked to exhaustion and decreased well-being.

And then lastly, I want to mention parenting and the invisible juggle. For mothers with ADHD, routines can feel like a really cruel joke. Kids need structure, but your brain resists it. The good news, modeling imperfection is powerful. Research on family systems suggests that consistency, not perfection, matters most. So if bedtimes sometimes happens at 8:30 instead of 8 p.m., congratulations, you're still giving your child stability and self-compassion lessons in real time.

(04:16) Breaking the cycle of guilt and shame.

Dr. J: Before we get into solutions, let's talk about the stuff that trips us up because it's not just about forgetting things or being lazy. It's much deeper than that. The first thing we're going to get into is the all-or-nothing trap. Here's the thing about most people, not just those with ADHD. We think in extremes. If we can't do the morning routine perfectly — meditation, journaling, a gourmet breakfast, and a workout — then what is even the point of getting out of bed?

We often believe that a real routine means doing every single element every single day without deviation. Anything less feels like a failure. But here's what happens. We set up these elaborate, social media-worthy routines that require military precision. "Wake up at 5 a.m., meditate for 20 minutes, drink lemon water, journal three pages, and exercise for an hour." It's beautiful in theory.

However, in practice, by day three, we're exhausted. And by day four, we've abandoned the whole thing because we messed up by sleeping until 6 a.m. One mistake means that the entire system collapses, and we're back to square one, drowning in shame, which brings us to the guilt and shame cycle. When we fail to stick to our routines, something toxic can happen. We internalize it as a personal shortcoming. "I should be able to do this. Other people do this. What's wrong with me?"

The guilt is suffocating, and the shame becomes fuel for self-criticism. This is especially true for women of color who are often socialized to be strong, quiet, the model minority, for example, and to push through and to never show struggle. Admitting that a routine didn't work feels like admitting weakness, like confronting every stereotype about not being organized enough or disciplined enough. The shame doesn't just hurt emotionally, it actually makes ADHD symptoms worse.

When we're stressed and ashamed, our executive function tanks even further. We become less able to organize, plan, and execute. The routine that was supposed to help us falls apart, and we fall deeper into the shame. It's a vicious loop that many women with ADHD know intimately.

(06:37) Building routines that work for your brain.

Dr. J: So how do we actually build routines that work for ADHD brains and don't make us feel like failures? The answer might surprise you because it involves keeping things small, flexible, and kind. First things first, I want you to start microscopically small. Forget everything you know about what a routine should look like. Your routines don't need to be impressive. It needs to work for your brain. Start with one micro-routine, not something like a full morning routine, one tiny habit. You may choose to drink a glass of water when you first wake up, and that's it.

You do that for a few days, then you add another piece. Maybe it's brushing your teeth, then eating something, then getting dressed. This approach works because it bypasses the all-or-nothing thinking. You're not trying to transform your entire life overnight. You're building momentum with small wins, and each win makes the next step easier. Neurologically, this also helps. Smaller routines create stronger habit loops because they require less willpower and attention.

Next, I'm going to ask you to attach your routines to things that you already do. Instead of creating routines from scratch, anchor them to habits that already exist. This is called habit stacking, and it's a game changer. Do you always pour coffee in the morning? Attach your multivitamin habit to this action. Do you often check your phone when you first wake up? Well, then maybe you'll attach your skincare routine to that moment.

You're not creating new behaviors from nothing, you're piggybacking on existing neural pathways. Here's a novel idea: your routines should change when your life changes. That's not failure, that's actually adaptation. For example, if you have kids, your weekend routine might look completely different from your weekday routine. If you're managing a flare-up of depression or anxiety, your routine might become even more minimal. This isn't giving up, it's meeting yourself where you're actually at.

Build flexibility into your routine by offering options to yourself. So in the morning, your options might be to either meditate for five minutes or take a walk or listen to music. Pick one. It can change each day based on your energy. Some days are option A, and others are option C. You're still moving forward, but just in different ways. And here's my next tip: celebrate every single win. Here's something that we're taught to be uncomfortable with: celebrating ourselves.

But this is so essential. Did you stick to your routine for an entire day? Celebrate. Did you do it for half a day? Celebrate. Did you have a completely chaotic day but still manage to drink water and eat? Celebrate that. Celebration isn't about self-indulgence, it's about rewiring your brain to recognize progress. Every time you acknowledge a win, no matter how small, you're creating a positive feedback loop.

Your brain starts to associate your routine with feeling good, which means you're going to be more likely to repeat it. And then last but not least, build in rest, fun, and joy. This is perhaps the most important part. Your routine shouldn't be all productivity and self-optimization. You're not a machine, you're a human being that needs joy, rest, and fun to function.

Build play into your routine. Maybe it's 10 minutes of a hobby that you love. Maybe it's a funny TikTok or a conversation with a friend. Maybe it's simply lying in bed doing absolutely nothing. When your routine includes things that feed your soul, you're much more likely to stick to it. You're building a routine that your brain actually wants to follow, not one that feels like a punishment.

The truth is routines aren't about perfection. They're tools to navigate a world that wasn't designed with us in mind. Your brain isn't broken, it just operates a little differently. And with routines built with compassion, flexibility, and self-love, you can create a life that works for you despite the fact that your environment can't be tailored to your specifications. You deserve that. You deserve routines that feel like support, not punishment. You deserve to celebrate yourself, and you deserve grace on days when everything falls apart. That's it for this episode of "ADHD and..."

(11:18) Final thoughts and resources.

Dr. J: Thank you so much for joining me, and you know that I want to hear about those routines in the comments. Help out your fellow humans. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to check out our episode on ADHD and setting boundaries, where I explain how ADHD makes setting boundaries difficult and give simple strategies that will help you protect your peace and improve your mental health.

"ADHD and" is produced by Calvin Knie and Alyssa Shea, who also edits the show. .. Editorial support is provided by Rae Jacobson.

Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright.Briana Berry is our production director. Jordan Davidson is our editorial director.

For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere.

And I'm your host, Dr. J.