How to handle disagreements with a co-parent

 In general, it’s an advantage when kids have two parents caring for them. But it gets challenging when those parents have a strained relationship. 

Things can get really tricky when your child is neurodivergent. Many questions come up: Should we get a special education evaluation for our child? Should they be on medication? Should our child have counseling? 

Not only are these difficult questions, but they’re also sources of potential conflict with parents.

On this episode of Parenting Behavior with Dr. Andy Kahn, you’ll learn how to navigate disagreements between co-parents and figure out how to advocate for your child’s best interests.

We’d love to hear from you. You can email us at ParentingBehavior@understood.org.

Related resources

• Parenting disagreements: How to get on the same page

• 11 tips for working with your ex to parent your child

• 8 ways to help kids with ADHD cope with divorce 

• How to build strong parent-child bonds   

Timestamps

(0:56)  Why it’s key to identify shared beliefs

(2:34) Do we agree on what we’re seeing?

(4:19) How do I take the lead on getting help?

(8:14) Nothing seems to work. What now? 

Episode transcript

Andy: In general, it's an advantage when kids have two parents caring for them. The challenge is when there's a strained relationship between those two folks. This can get really tricky when your child is neurodivergent. Questions like "Should I get a special education evaluation? or "Should they be on medication?" or "Should they have counseling?" are all sources of potential conflict with parents. Today, you'll learn about how to navigate those disagreements between parents and how to figure out how to make this work best for your child.

This is "Parenting Behavior" with me, your host, Dr. Andy Kahn. I'm a parent and licensed psychologist with over 20 years experience working with kids and families with behavioral challenges. Today, we're gonna focus on navigating co-parenting challenges.

(0:56) Why it's key to identify shared beliefs

A good first step for you and your co-parent when you're clashing is to decide what it is that you agree on. So, for example, you might ask, do we agree that this behavior we're seeing is an issue? Then you can ask yourself, "OK, is this a simple isolated issue or is this pattern?" And then deciding what it is we're going to do about this issue. For some parents, we might decide, "Is this worth investigating as a possible learning and thinking difference like ADHD?"

One of the things I do with a lot of the families that I work with is to describe their child's challenges in terms of individual behaviors. I don't spend a lot of time talking about diagnoses. The issue is, diagnoses are sort of a blunt instrument. They describe a cluster of symptoms, things that a child may exhibit, but doesn't always completely describe who your kid is. So, as parents, this can be something we wanna be very aware of. Describing your child in a way that talks about behavior, specific places where they're challenged, and what things that they bring uniquely to a situation is much more helpful than just talking about something like ADHD.

In addition, creating some common language for you and your co-parent so that you can agree upon what it is that you're describing and what it that you are seeing so you can more effectively work together. Finally, this may include being aware of using overly technical language, avoiding diagnostic conversations, when describing when Joey's challenged and sitting and doing what he needs to after school, or talking about having conflict with a sibling. These are much more manageable issues than talking about when my child is showing oppositional challenges because of their ADHD, doesn't really land when talking about an individual kid.

(2:34) Do we agree on what we're seeing?

If your child has an identified diagnosis, one of the things you can do is ask, "Do we agree about what we're seeing in terms of behavior as evidence of this ADHD or learning and thinking difference versus something else?" For example, if a parent isn't willing to see or isn't able to see that it's a learning and thinking difference, they might say, "Well, this child is just lazy or has a lack of drive." They attribute their behavior to something different. This can be a really easy source of conflict. So, for you and your co-parent, it's really important to find common ground about how you see the behavior before you try to work on it.

A lot of the answers here in co-parenting challenges can have a lot to do with cultural differences, how you were brought up, how your parents raised you, and how you interpret and see behavior as a general rule. For a lot of parents, understanding learning and thinking differences take some time and some education. You know, there's a greater acceptance today of things like ADHD and other disorders like dyslexia, but there are still people who don't believe that it's a real thing. So, if you don't agree between you and your co-parent, it's going to be really important to find middle ground.

Accessing information from health organizations, going to vetted websites, going to your doctor, even visiting your school counselor, can be really helpful. Through this process, you should seek to understand why your co-parenting partner believes what they do. And then you can share the reasoning behind your perspective. The goal is always to find common ground. Also, if you can't convince your coparenting partner that your child needs some sort of support, then you've got to navigate how to handle their disbelief and to figure out what comes next.

Finally, if you both agree that your child's struggling, but can't agree on what to do next, this is when you need to figure out "What are my steps and do I have to do parts of this on my own?"

(4:19) How do I take the lead on getting help?

Sometimes you might be the one driving the seeking of support for your parenting unit. The challenge here is if one parent is all in on getting help and support and the other parent is all out, there's some difficult decisions that need to be made. One thing you have to keep in mind is if one of you is all-in on seeking support and the one is all out, you've got to create a way to approach your child's challenges so that you keep track of what you're seeing and have data to share over time so maybe you can have your co-parenting partner come along with you in the future.

One thing you can do as a parent is seek creating a sort of structured response to this. So, for example, set a timeframe for yourself. "If in four weeks, our daughter's outbursts in school are not improving, we're gonna reach out and see the school counselor." Put that data on a piece of paper and put it on your calendar. This way over time, you can share information with your co-parenting partner that talks about data and not just your opinion.

One of the keys here is let the data drive the outcome. As we talked about just a second ago, putting information on paper, talking about timeframes, and what we wanna see in terms of positive behavior. Whenever possible, taking a positive slant on describing what we want to see more of. "I wanna see my child use self-calming strategies so that they're under more control in class." Not, "I wanna my child have less outbursts in school." That in and of itself is a better way of describing behavior.

If one parent just won't get on board, it may leave excess stress, worry, and responsibility on the parent seeking access to support. One of the things to keep in mind is it can often be helpful to share information on learning and thinking differences like ADHD. One important piece of information is that the earlier you get support for your child, the lower the chance of them having other emotional concerns or mood-related challenges.

If one parent is interested in getting support and the other one is not, this can lead to an uneven division of labor and can be very stressful for the parent seeking support for their child. It usually is better to only do this in the short term, if possible. Sometimes that's not, and one parent is gonna end up taking on the majority of this responsibility. One thing to keep in mind is that if you can share some of the logistical aspects of parenting your child — sharing rides, doing childcare, doing extra trips like shopping or doing some other activity — while not bringing your child to therapy or doing the actual interventions that can provide some leeway for the parent doing the support to have a little more relief.

In addition, negotiating with the other parent to manage those day-to-day activities or to seek additional supports from extended family, neighbors, or friends who can help buffer and give you extra support that you need if your co-parenting partner isn't available or willing to engage. Finally, realizing that the people you lean on within your community, whether it be through parenting support groups or other parents online, can be really helpful for helping you feel validated in what you're doing and knowing that it's really difficult to support your child, particularly when you're doing it all by yourself.

As the solo support for your child, it may feel overwhelming to do things like taking over the special education evaluation. For parents who are struggling with this process, you may want to visit Understood.org, where we have an amazing podcast called "Understood Explains." Our first season talks about the entire special education evaluation process in detail.

In addition, it's important to lean on other supports within your community and your area. Getting your child involved in extracurricular supports, reaching out to coaches, and using afterschool activities, or even other parents in your community, can prove a really great support to you in this situation. Keep in mind that while it's a non-optimal solution to be doing this all on your own without your co-parenting partner, keeping the other parent in the loop on what's going on can be really important. Because over time, if they decide they're gonna be supportive and see what's working well for their child, you may find over time that they come back and are willing to support.

(8:14) Nothing seems to work. What now?

The sad reality is sometimes things just don't get better no matter how hard you try. And it's especially hard when those tensions boil over and your kids tend to see you and your co-partner having challenges, disagreeing, and maybe arguing right in front of them. In these situations, it's really important to try to stop yourselves and figure out a way to get support, whether that's going to couples counseling, or if you're no longer together, looking at family counseling to help you figure out ways to best communicate and meet the needs of your children.

Obviously, if you're in a relationship, you're always gonna be related because of your kids. So, a divorce and a separation doesn't take away that responsibility, just creates a little more complication in solving problems together. One reality is sometimes one or both parents don't wanna have anything to do with counseling, and this can make it really challenging. But in the case of helping your child, even one parent getting counseling for themselves can be helpful.

The health of a parent and the mental health of a parents can have a positive impact on both the interactions and their co-parenting, as well as interacting with their kids, so it's really important to keep this in mind. Remember, we model for our kids what we want them to do. So, if you're showing that you're willing to get help and engage in services, your child is gonna see that that's part of your family culture, and they may in turn, want to do counseling in the future if they need support.

Finally, while it's ideal that you and your co-parenting partner agree, this isn't always possible. So, during those times of disagreement, it's really important to be aware of communicating respectfully with one another, and showing that you're willing to at least have conversations so your children can see how a relationship should be navigated, even if parents are no longer together. Sharing in logistics, like taking rides, taking over some of the responsibilities of getting children meals or from one place to another, can show that at least you're collaborating in some aspects of parenting, and your kids can see that you value that for your family unit.

Remember, even though you're no longer together in some cases, doesn't mean that your kids don't benefit from seeing you collaborating, cooperating, and being respectful to one another.

Thanks for listening to this episode of "Parenting Behavior" with Dr. Andy Kahn. We'd love to hear from you if you have any thoughts on the show. You can email us at parentingbehavior@understood.org. I'll put the email in the show notes too, where you can also find more resources and links to anything we mentioned.

"Parenting Behavior with Dr Andy Kahn" is brought to you by Understood.org. It's produced and edited by Cody Nelson. Editorial guidance by Gail Belsky. Music and Mixing by Justin D. Wright. Our video producers are Calvin Knie and Christophe Manuel. Special thanks to Dr. Karen Wilson. Briana Berry is our production director, and Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick.

Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.