How can I manage self-doubt as a parent?

Raising a neurodivergent child is unfamiliar territory for many parents. 

Parenting is tough enough. But when differences in processing or development come into play, it can become even more complex.

As you begin making parenting decisions, it’s common to experience self-doubt, guilt, and confusion. These feelings are understandable — and there are ways to manage them.

In this episode of Parenting Behavior, Dr. Andy Kahn explores parenting self-doubt and offers guidance on how to navigate and support those difficult emotions. Plus, tips on how to care for yourself along the way.

We’d love to hear from you. You can email us at ParentingBehavior@understood.org.

• Guided meditation for stressed parents 

• 8 things I wish people knew about parenting a child with ADHD 

• Navigating your child’s diagnosis: Self-care tips for parents 

(1:05)  What’s causing the self-doubt?

(2:38)  What does it look like when self-doubt takes over? 

(6:35)  How to manage your self-doubt physically

Andy: Raising a neurodivergent child is unfamiliar territory for many parents. Now, keep in mind, parenting is tough enough, but when you add to that situation, differences in processing how your child's development may vary from other kids, it can get even more complicated. Now, once you start making these parenting decisions, you start to have feelings of self-doubt, guilt, and confusion, and this is super common and super understandable.

Now today, you're gonna learn three things. First, you're gonna learn about parenting self-doubt. Second, we're gonna learn about information and supports to help you navigate that self-doubt. And finally, how to take care of yourself during that process.

This is "Parenting Behavior," and I'm your host, Dr. Andy Kahn. I'm a licensed psychologist and parent with over 20 years experience helping kids and families navigate behavioral challenges. Today, we're gonna talk about parenting self-doubt.

So, what's causing all this self-doubt anyway? Well, as a parent, it's so common to wonder if you're doing enough to support your child's differences or if they have a learning and thinking difference like dyslexia or ADHD. Decisions like selecting the right therapist or deciding whether or not your child needs tutorial support is something that can lead to a lot of feelings of confusion or being overwhelmed. Ultimately, making difficult decisions is part of everyday parenting and often there isn't a clear right or wrong answer.

Now, let's add to your decision-making process that your child has unique challenges in the way that they think and process their world. This can make things feel even more complicated and scarier for you as a parent. The reality is that you, as parent, have so many things to consider. You may not know what questions to ask or what services are available. And thinking about things and choices that range anywhere from whether or not to get your child evaluated, or deciding if you need to advocate to get in-school support for your child. Ultimately, deciding on treatment and other possibilities can be really overwhelming.

As a parent, you are the first and best expert on your child, but that doesn't mean you always know what the right thing is to do. And obviously, as you face these complicated parenting challenges, you know, it's natural to question your choices and what to do next, and it can lead you to seek more information and ask the right questions of people who can support you. Now, let's take a deep breath here for a second. Remember, parenting is a huge responsibility, and this is a lot that can sometimes loom large for you as a parent. But we're gonna go through all of this together.

So, what does it look like when parenting self-doubt takes over? Well, it can lead to us feeling frozen in place, sort of a decision paralysis. For so many parents, when we consider all of these options at once, it can leave us feeling overwhelmed and doing absolutely nothing. On the flip side, being overwhelmed and feeling time-pressured can lead to being hasty and making decisions too quickly, because ultimately, we just want to get these decisions off our plate. In a lot of situations, this can obviously lead to problems, because we're not thinking through all the options we need to. And feeling overwhelmed can be really challenging because you're not going to think about all the details you need to.

Frequent self-doubt and worry can be overwhelming to us emotionally. Ultimately, the ongoing stress and worry can even lead to feeling self-doubt, feelings of lowered self-esteem, and in some cases, feelings like anxiety and depression. How can I reduce self-doubt and my feelings of stress over these decisions? First off, it's important to acknowledge that those feelings of stress and of worry is showing how much you care about what you're doing for your child. Acknowledge the idea that everyone experiences doubts when they're making parenting decisions.

One of the really important things is to remember to give yourself grace. Parenting is all about taking risks, making choices, correcting mistakes we make, and moving through. And finally, remember, there are no perfect parents. We're all trying to do the best we can, and making these decisions is no easy thing.

When managing any big task or decision, it can be really helpful to break these tasks down into smaller steps. So, let me give you an example. When you're trying to select a counselor for your child, going out and selecting someone by random from the yellow pages may not be your best choice. Start first with your insurance carrier if you have one. See if there's a list of people who might be already covered under your insurance. From there, do some research about what kinds of therapy might be best for your children's needs. So, understanding "Is cognitive behavioral therapy or behavior therapy gonna be best?", and this way you can look to see what clinicians do what kinds of services.

Finally, be aware of there are other people who are going through this. Check out some online forums or check in with people in your community who may already be doing these services with their children. Get their advice, see what they're using, and see if they have any recommendations for you. Another key to addressing self-doubt is to be intentional. So, for example, when you're trying to help your child navigate a behavior that isn't working for them, think about what you'd like to see them do differently. Don't just say, "I'd like to see a behavior go away." This can also require you to spend some time thinking about, "OK. What's something pro-social or something we want to teach them that they can do instead of the behavior that's causing them trouble?"

Let me give you an example that I've often used in therapy. Instead of saying, "I want my child to stop throwing their clothes on the floor and their backpack on the floor when they get home from school," we will talk about what they would do specifically. So, for example, my child will put their clothes and backpack in a pre-marked area by the front door every day when they come home from the school. Now that's good because it's really specific, but next we need to do some specific practice. We need to maybe put a note at that hook at the front door, or put even a little tape outline that shows where they put their bag. And we wanna practice and rehearse these skills.

Being intentional with your behavior can really make those parenting processes feel more orderly and feel more productive. One of the causes of self-doubt is the lack of good information and resources. And believe me, I've been there. Now I may be biased, but at Understood.org, we have thousands of resources, information specifically about what children need and families would need to help improve their day-to-day activities. In addition, we've got the Understood Assistant, where you can type in specific questions and get access to references and direct resources on the things you're looking for to support your parenting.

Don't be afraid to seek support and reach out for guidance from other adults who might work with your child. A call to a coach or a teacher who does well with your children can give you access to information about what works for them and things you may want to try out to help your child improve their behavior.

Another thing we want to think about are some of the physical strategies and things you can do to manage your self-doubt. So, for example, self-doubt isn't just a thought process thing, it's physical and emotional. We can feel stress and tension in our bodies, we can feel lots of big emotions. So, doing things to manage our feelings like meditation, deep breathing, relaxation, and exercise can be really helpful for you as a parent to feel more under control of your body and your thinking process.

So many of these strategies, including exercise and getting outside of the house, can disconnect you from the things that are so stressful and things that most of us as parents forget to do when we're feeling stressed about parenting our kids. Make it a priority to do fun things and relaxing things to get out with your child, your partner, or other people who are close to you in your life. Getting out of your full-time decision-making mode can be a really healthy thing to do, and remind you and your child that we're not just in this to try to correct their behavior or to get them to do things that you want them to.

In addition, consider connecting with other parents. And you might find that they have other great and helpful solutions for you or recommendations for what works in their household that you might not have thought of. Finally, if you're not able to get out of your own way when parenting and you're finding that's starting to affect other parts of your life, it may be worthwhile to seek out some counseling support for yourself. Keep in mind, parenting is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. Feeling the stress and emotions that come with that are things that sometimes need extra support for you to get through.

Parenting self-doubt is understandable, and it's something that we all experience. Ultimately, remember: you're not gonna break your child if you make a parenting mistake. If you have a decision you make and you realize later it's not the right one, be accountable. Try to create a new strategy, take ownership of what you've done, and move on. Remember, modeling for your child that you're not perfect and you're always trying to learn is a great way to show them how much you care as a parent.

Thanks for listening to this episode of "Parenting Behavior with Dr. Andy Kahn." We'd love to hear from you if you have any thoughts on the show. You can email us at parentingbehavior@understood.org. I'll put the email in the show notes too, where you can also find more resources and links to anything we mentioned.

"Parenting Behavior with Dr Andy Kahn" is brought to you by Understood.org, It's produced and edited by Cody Nelson. Editorial guidance by Gail Belsky. Music and Mixing by Justin D. Wright. Our video producers are Calvin Knie and Christophe Manuel. Special thanks to Dr. Karen Wilson. Briana Berry is our production director, and Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick.

Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.