Sibling struggles: What to do when your kids clash or don’t get along

Siblings don’t always get along. Fights, disagreements, jealousy — it’s a common thing.

These clashes can get even more complicated when one or more of your kids is neurodivergent. 

On this episode of Parenting Behavior, host Dr. Andy Kahn will share tips for managing sibling conflict to benefit both you and your kids.

We’d love to hear from you. You can email us at ParentingBehavior@understood.org.

Related resources

• 7 ways to help your kids build a strong relationship

• How to talk with kids about their sibling’s challenges 

• ADHD and siblings: Tips from an expert

Timestamps

(0:35) What do these problems look like?

(3:32) Strategies for how to respond

(11:18) Managing the emotional components

Episode transcript

Andy: Siblings aren't always going to get along. Fights, disagreements, jealousy. It's inevitable. But if one of your kids or more is neurodivergent, this can get even more complicated. Today, you're going to learn how to navigate those challenges for both you and your kids.

This is "Parenting Behavior," with me, your host, Dr. Andy Kahn. I'm a parent and licensed psychologist with over 20 years experience navigating behavioral challenges with families and kids. Today, we're going to talk about navigating sibling struggles.

(0:35) What do these problems look like?

First, let's talk about what these problems look like. And let's set the scene. Let's assume your household has a neurodivergent child or a child with ADHD and a neurotypical child. This is going to lead to inevitable differences in how these children experience their world and how they interact. Often the child with ADHD may be getting more attention and need more support than their neurotypical sibling. This can be manifest in things like struggles with impulse control or blurting out or having difficulties in just controlling their overall vocalizations and behavior.

In addition, it's very common for them to get dysregulated during daily activities, and they may require more parental support for controling their body and navigating daily tasks. Kids with ADHD or generally neurodivergent kids are going to require more support during daily life activities. They may need support for schoolwork or their chores. Perhaps they're attending therapy or support sessions somewhere outside the home.

This is all going to take time away from the family and maybe something that affects the neurotypical child in their schedule. Things like getting dressed or bath times. Again, all experiences that can take more time away from that household and have more time focused on the neurodivergent child.

Another thing that could cause tension in the household is how parents discipline neurodivergent children differently than their neurotypical children. Now, why does this occur? Well, primarily because parents often notice that their child with ADHD or a child who's neurodivergent, functions at a less mature level than their neurotypical siblings.

So, in prior episodes, we talked about the two-thirds rule. So, for example, if a child who's 12, typically they'll function like a nine-year-old. They're less mature, they have less skills, and it's more difficult for them to do day-to-day activities. This may affect how parents give them more leeway, more support, and certainly more attention than their neurotypical siblings.

So these differences happen for an understandable reason. If a child is less able to control themselves and parents are going to try to commonly be mindful of those differences and how they react and respond to that child. So, it may result in ignoring more behavior and giving more leeway to a child who's neurodivergent compared to their neurotypical sibling.

For example, a child with ADHD may be more active, may be more impulsive, and has more challenges controling their behavior. If a parent was to try to intervene every time one of the little behaviors were shown, it would become a very tense environment. There'd be lots of arguments and disagreements. And that culture becomes really challenging. So, parents commonly try to pick their battles and in turn they ignore and provide a little less attention to simple day-to-day mistakes.

For the neurotypical child, this can be really challenging because they see how quickly they're redirected for their mistakes, and it's not the same as what they see in their neurodivergent siblings. On the other hand, if you're locked into a parenting pattern where you're responding to everything that your child with ADHD does, this is going to make things very tense and difficult in your household. And yes, we've all done it. So, how are we going to navigate this?

(3:32) Strategies for how to respond

These conflicts are common. So, we're going to spend the next few minutes going over some strategies to help you become more aware of how you're responding and how to better navigate these situations. Let's talk about some strategies for handling these issues.

First, the number one thing for you to do as a parent is to be intentional with your time and attention. And that means giving yourself some grace when you inevitably make a mistake. This includes things like carving out regular time to spend with your neurotypical child, to help them understand and balance the focus you're giving on one child versus another.

In addition, if you co-parent, it's really important to divide and conquer in your parenting. This means taking time to split off and do some fun activities with your neurotypical child, to split away some of that attention and to also make sure that you're balancing that parenting, meaning not one parent is doing all the discipline of your children.

What are the strategies for navigating these challenges? Well, first and foremost, it's about being intentional in your parenting approaches. What does this mean? Well, taking the time and attention to look at your strategies and to plan how you're going to do them. Secondarily, making sure that when you make the inevitable mistakes, you give yourself grace.

If you have the opportunity to co-parent, it's really important to divide and conquer responsibilities, so that one parent isn't always doing the discipline in the household and that both parents have the opportunity to do fun activities with both the neurodivergent and the neurotypical child. Keep in mind, carving out time for both kids, regardless of how much time it takes to train and give them new skills, is going to be really important because that imbalance is going to be really obvious to your neurotypical child.

In the case of a family where you have one child who has ADHD and another his neurotypical, one really powerful idea is to share with the neurotypical child about the challenges and differences and that what is fair isn't always equal in the household. Let's get into the details on this. Sharing with your neurotypical child that their sibling is getting more attention when they need help on things isn't necessarily something that child wants. It's not enjoyable to have your parent involved in all of these helper activities or to spend twice as long doing daily chores.

Also talking about the differences in neurodivergence that lead to things being more challenging. Giving some empathy and compassion for that child so they can realize, "Yeah, things are harder for my sibling and I'm glad I necessarily don't have those challenges myself," but knowing that those differences exist can lead to better relationships. Finally, the goal here is to build some empathy and compassion so there's improved understanding from your neurotypical child in your household.

Let's unpack the "Fair isn't always equal" statement here for a second. The idea that "fair" means that we're giving each child an opportunity to complete or engage in a task to success. So, how does this look? Well, in the household, you might give one child just a minute of instructions to get a task done and they can be successful. But a child who's neurodivergent may need two, 3 or 4 minutes to get that same instruction. Again, fair, because they're getting the instruction they need for the task, but not equal.

In the school setting, we also see this. For example, in instruction. One child who's a struggling reader may require access to the text in the book, but also need an audiobook to help them hear that information so they can get access to the same content. For another peer who can just read the book and get through the content, again is getting the same fair opportunity for themselves but not equal strategies. This is really important to share with kids so that neurotypical kids know the difference that we're all trying to get the things we need. It's just not always going to look the same.

An important part of discussing the "Fair but not equal" concept is that we're teaching compassion and empathy to our neurotypical child so they have a better understanding of what's different, how their sibling may learn and engage in their daily life activity, and gives them that social-emotional learning to help them be better equipped to live together and to have a better understanding of one another.

One great strategy is to consider putting your neurotypical child into the helper role in the household. So, what this means is that you're trying to set your neurotypical child up as being engaged in knowing when their sibling is having challenges and being there as a support. Now, it's really important not to do this too frequently because you don't want your neurotypical child to feel like they're taking on a bit of a parent role or having to step in and do everything for their sibling.

One of the keys here is giving them lookouts for what do things look like if there's frustration and when you might step in or at least offer support. One important rule to share with your neurotypical child is to not step in and take over the task for their sibling. Very importantly, to ask, "Hey, do you need a hand with this?" And to offer support. A show of compassion that may not even change anything for that child can really improve their relationship and make them feel more connected.

It's also super helpful for the neurotypical child because they can feel pride in helping others and maybe looking out to help others in other aspects of their lives. Finally, what we want to do is help that neurotypical child develop knowledge and patience of their sibling that can help them move along and build a relationship over the years.

Another strategy that doesn't specifically focus on either sibling has to do with routines. Routines are important in most households with kids because they provide structure and order and organization for an environment that could feel chaotic at times. The idea that kids with difficulties like ADHD have trouble regulating themselves or completing multi-step tasks, rituals can really provide the structure and expectancies for how things are supposed to go.

For many households, even if all the folks in the household are neurotypical, routines and rituals provide lots of stability, support and predictability. As a parent, it's really important to reinforce structures and rituals because when family members feel taken care of and that things are orderly and predictable, people tend to be calmer and more able to tolerate stress and frustration. Young kids, regardless of their differences, benefit from solid and well-defined routines.

And finally, skills and routines tend to go together. As kids get more ingrained in things they do every day, it builds independence and self-confidence, which are really important skills to build in your household.

One final strategy I want to mention today is for you as a parent, it's modeling behavior. This is especially important when it comes to navigating conflict in the household. When you model calmness and self-control, your children see what you expect of them in moments of stress and moments of conflict. How you behave shows your children what we expect. In addition, when things get tense, you can model the use of skills like taking deep breaths or taking a break and then coming back when you're calm.

This is especially important when we think about how your children navigate an acute moment of trouble or a conflict in the household. Even when things get tense, you can model skills for your kids, like taking a deep breath, using a calm tone of voice, or knowing when to disengage and walk away when things are too tense. It's really important how we manage ourselves and how we navigate these problems, and especially when we make mistakes as a parent.

When our kids see us make mistakes, and if we take responsibility and intentionally show how we're going to improve them, our kids learn that being imperfect is OK. But learning how to navigate our challenges is most important.

One key part of navigating the mistakes we make as parents is how we approach the intention of changing our behavior and taking responsibility. This includes something as simple as being willing to laugh at yourself and not take yourself too seriously when you make mistakes. Setting that example for your kids can be really helpful in reducing tensions and letting them know that being imperfect is completely OK.

(11:18) Managing the emotional components

Finally, before we go, we need to talk about some of the emotional pieces that impact here and some of the truths about families. First, siblings are siblings. They're going to have conflict. They're going to have disagreements. And this is really typical for families in general. Not all of these conflicts are going to have everything to do with being neurodivergent. Sometimes it's just dirty, disgusting kid behavior, stuff that we don't like to see.

On top of that, there can be some real sadness about the losses that families experience. Things that you may not be able to do because your child's self-control or impulse control isn't where you need it to be quite yet. So, that can lead to tension and feelings of just sort of discomfort for families. Oftentimes kids are going to say, "I wish I could do this, but we can't because of my sibling" or, you know, "All of the other families are able to go to these places and we're not because he can't or she can't control herself." This sadness is real and it's something that needs to be acknowledged and navigated for you and your family.

One of the reasons this sadness comes into play so often is that our families have certain expectations about what our family should be and what we should be able to do as family members. So, you might hear one of the children say, "You know, I always wanted this kind of brother or this kind of sister. I always wanted to be able to do these things and have my sibling be my best friend." And that's not always going to be the case. If you think about neurodivergence, we have to acknowledge the loss, anger, and frustration that sometimes comes with life not following the path that you hoped it would.

Many of us have all these ideas about what our positive and ideal family image looks like. And for families with neurodivergent kids, that path can often be different. I've had siblings and kids say to me, "You know, I wish I had a brother or sister who could be my best friend or who we could hang out without fighting." And those images are really painful for families because they're on a path that they didn't expect. You need to be respectful and mindful of these feelings of loss and frustration that you have. But ultimately, finding a positive path forward is crucial for you and your family.

Often in therapy with families, this is a really important turning point, and I'll often talk to families about the idea of destination and path. So, let me explain this a little bit more. The idea is that we all have this starting point in our lives as families where we imagine what our children are going to be like and what our lives are going to be like as a family unit.

Considering neurodivergence and how it affects your family's path, is something that's a really powerful topic for many families. In my therapeutic relationships, we'll often talk to families about what they expected for their family before their children were born, and what they realize when they have a neurodivergent child is that their path is different than what they expected, and the places they're going to go may be certainly different than what they thought. While there may be initial frustration and sadness about that, one of the great things is about finding new paths and finding great ways to move forward as a family.

So much of what we see is finding new destinations, new routes to where you want to go, and ultimately finding creative ways as a family to move forward and experience joy and happiness together.

Thanks for listening to this episode of "Parenting Behavior" with Dr. Andy Kahn. He'd love to hear from you. If you have any thoughts on the show, you can email us at ParentingBehavior@understood.org. I'll put the email in the show notes, too, where you can also find more resources and links to anything we mention.

"Parenting Behavior with Dr. Andy Kahn" is brought to you by Understood.org. It's produced and edited by Cody Nelson and Daniela Tello-Garzon. Editorial guidance by Gail Belsky. Music and mixing by Justin D. Wright. Our video producers are Calvin Knie and Christoph Manuel. Special thanks to Dr. Karen Wilson. Ash Beecher is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director, and Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick.

Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.