Why good sex can make your ADHD brain spiral

Do you feel almost manic after really good sex — craving more, making impulsive decisions, fixating on the next time? In this episode of Reddit reactions, Cate and Jessamine tackle five real Reddit posts from ADHD women. 

Digging into some seriously NSFW posts, they look at why some people with ADHD never feel spontaneous sexual attraction — and why that might be about “out of sight, out of mind.” Also…

The orgasm pressure problem: When a partner’s need for reassurance after sex gets in the way of intimacy.

The sex countdown: The anxiety loop that starts the moment sex ends (“It’s been X days”). And how scheduling intimacy (not sex specifically) can interrupt it.

Hyperfixation and libido: Does getting obsessively into a show, book, or research topic actually raise your sex drive? 

Real Reddit questions, really good answers. 

• Watch: ADHD and sex

• Watch: Reddit reactions: ADHD and romantic relationships!

Cate Osborn: Hi everybody and welcome back to "Sorry I Missed This," the show where we talk about all things ADHD and its impact on sex, intimacy, relationships, communication, and more. And as always, it's me, your host, Cate Osborn. Today, we are joined again by a very special guest, our producer, Jessamine Molli, because today is another Reddit reaction. Hooray!

Jessamine Molli: Hooray!

Cate: Do we have a theme for today, Jessamine?

Jessamine: Yes, a tag I noticed every once in a while was NSFW, classic internet parlance. So, I figured we could make that our theme this time.

Cate: For our dear listeners at home who may not know, NSFW stands for not safe for work. So, please let that also be your warning going into this episode that we might be talking about some sex and intimacy stuff. So, you know, I don't know why you'd be listening to a podcast with your boss, but, you know, just know that going into it.

Jessamine: It's not safe for work, but you can, just wear headphones. It's fine.

Cate: Let's get into our first one.

Jessamine: Okay, I'm so excited. This one is called "Does Having Sex Make You Kind of Manic?"

My partner and I have been together for 16 years, been each other's one and only. Recently we started to open up the relationship and got our freak on. We have been working on this for the last year and just had our first threesome.

But there's this weird thing I'm noticing with myself, and I don't know if this is a me thing, an ADHD thing, or just a normal person thing that I never experienced because I was a good virtuous Christian woman and never even engaged in thinking about sex with other men I knew in real life.

But after some kinky sex thing with someone new, I almost feel manic and wanting more. After a day or two it wears off, but it almost feels dangerous how much I crave it when I'm in this manic state.

Then she kind of describes a coworker who she never really thought about that way, but then for after this threesome, couldn't stop thinking about hooking up with this person and inviting them in. And then after 30 hours it kind of wore off.

So she goes, this is just mind-boggling to me. I know my hormones go blah and they're monthly times when I'm in despair that I know aren't real and go away in a day or two. But I never had a manic version happen to me. Is this common? Or is it just a thing I need to recognize is a risk for me, and I need to manage how long I wait to act on sexual desire.

Cate: Yeah, that has a whole new name. We have a name for it because it is in fact so common. In the kink community, it's referred to as frenzy. So frenzy occurs kind of just exactly as this commenter is talking about, where you have an experience and the dopamine and the oxytocin and the serotonin and all of the chemicals kind of flood your brain and it leaves you feeling very, very good — and also craving more of that experience.

And so it can result, especially if you are a person with ADHD, in rash decision-making, in impulsive decision-making. And so something that I'm genuinely really proud of this commenter for naming is that if you are aware of it, you can immediately start kind of building in systems and structures.

In the kink community especially, when we talk about frenzy, a lot of new people in the community who are just kind of experiencing kink for the first first time will experience this kind of frenzy. But that can be genuinely really dangerous. It can be dangerous from the standpoint of you're maybe not vetting partners as well as you should, you're maybe engaging in activities that you don't really know how they work or you haven't really done your research yet. And then also sometimes your body might need a couple of days of repair and if you're kind of jumping right back into things you can actually wind up doing some physical damage to your body.

So yeah, being aware of that sort of craving, that sort of energy boost, that sort of dopamine and serotonin boost that you get after really good, really great intimacy, that can be really important. But yeah, that's a great question. I love that.

(04:45) How ADHD affects impulse control and the craving for intimacy.

Jessamine: Yeah, I thought that was really interesting. You're saying it's common in the kink community, but do you think the ADHD is a factor? Or is it just kind of like this person thought that but really it's just what people experience usually?

Cate: I think it's a little a column A, a little column B. Like, it is definitely anybody can deal with frenzy. But I think the relationship of ADHD to that kind of emotional input can be really challenging. Because with ADHD, we have more of the impulse control, we have more of the hyperactivity, we have more of the like — I'm not going to think all the way through the thing, I'm going to do the thing that feels good.

And then partnered even more with like rejection sensitivity, that can get very messy very quickly. And so I think if you are a person with ADHD, it is very important to be aware of and notice if frenzy starts being a real part of your intimate experience. But that newness, that excitement, that like — this really cool interesting thing that felt really good in my body happened to me and now I want that feeling again — a lot of that is that kind of dopamine and serotonin seeking that can come out of ADHD, if that makes sense.

Jessamine: It does, and it's probably linked in a really helpful way in that you're kind of used to managing impulse stuff like that or dopamine seeking action, so you could just use similar tools, you know.

Cate: Yeah, exactly, exactly. I love learning a new term. I also like it because it feels like sharks. Feeding frenzy.

Here's a quick little one. It's called "Can ADHD Affect How You Experience Romantic and Sexual Attraction?"

Cate: Yes. I know, yeah. Done. All right, moving on.

Jessamine: I'm currently undiagnosed, but I'm trying to get tested. I've never felt sexual or romantic attraction towards anyone and I've never had a crush or looked at someone and thought they were hot. I do masturbate sometimes, but not that often and it's usually more for relaxation than because I actually feel a strong need to. Because of that, I feel unsure about whether asexual is the right label for me. I'm just wondering whether this is simply how I am, whether it could be related to ADHD, or whether other people can relate.

Cate: Oh boy, I said yes so tritely and then immediately I got the karmic like, haha, it was actually a really nuanced and deep conversation. First off, asexual people masturbate, right? Like that's just fact one. Like the physical act of masturbating is very different than experiencing sexual attraction. It is true that there are some asexual people who are sex-repulsed and they don't want to deal with sex in any capacity, they don't want to deal with masturbation in any capacity, but a lot of asexual people masturbate especially for that, for the relaxation, for the chemical dump that happens as a self-regulation tool.

So immediately I would say like, asexuality might be a great label for you. Like I listen to that post and I go, that sounds a lot like me and the way that I kind of discovered my own sort of asexual, demisexual identity. I would also say that there is like an added layer of ADHD in terms of how we experience attraction and how we experience input. Because out of sight, out of mind is a phenomenon that very much impacts people with ADHD.

(09:00) THow ADHD can lead to a lack of attraction when a partner is not physically present.

Cate: And so it is entirely possible to be in a loving, healthy, fantastically satisfying relationship but like, not really feel attraction to your partner when they are not around. Or not really feel a sense of connection with someone when they're not like immediately in front of you. And that doesn't mean that you don't love your partner, that doesn't mean that you're not in a satisfying relationship, it just means that our brain is usually contextually applying feedback to what is immediately in front of us.

And so if there's not a person who you're attracted to in front of you, you're not thinking about being attracted to people, right? But if you're never finding yourself attracted to anybody, if you're never really feeling those feelings, like asexuality might be right for you.

Jessamine: I think you're right, there's maybe a given what little input we have, but stronger argument for asexuality. Dating involves a lot of executive functioning, so if you're not putting yourself in romantic and/or sexual situations because it's a task and it's tough to get there like we talked last episode about, you know, dating late and things like that. So you may just think you don't feel those things because you haven't put yourself in the position with the right partner or whatever. I don't have advice though because I would never be like, well why don't you just try it, see if you like it. I'm not telling anyone to do that. But if you're not sure, then I don't think it needs to be like decided just because I've never felt that way, I won't.

Cate: It's kind of the question of, well, are you okay with it, right? Like, is this something that is negatively impacting your life? If you are happy, if you are confident, if you are enjoying your life as is, like putting undue pressure on yourself to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship, I don't think like that's as healthy as if the right sort of situation happens, then, you know, great, but if not, then that's fine too.

The other thing I just kind of want to touch on very briefly is that we often see relatability being very different in like ADHD neurodivergent brains as a whole, right? Like we relate to people differently, the way that we communicate to people is different. You might look at like a really sexy guy but your neurodivergence goes, well, I don't know anything about that person, I don't know if that person is going to accept me for who I am. Like yes, they're a great-looking person but I need to know that person, I need to be able to relate and empathize and connect with that person in order to feel a sense of safety around unmasking and being even willing to enter into an intimate relationship.

And some people will label that as demisexuality, which is totally, totally valid, but I also think that there is just a lived reality of a lot of neurodivergent people go through life feeling kind of judged, feeling a little bit othered, and so we tend to, I think, think about connecting and communicating with people in a different way.

Jessamine: It's like sometimes, you know, when you get to know someone that's when you start feeling attracted to them. And so there's a lot of steps to get to that. So if you're just like, well, I'm not looking at people and being like, I want to jump into bed with them, am I just not interested in sex at all? might not be the case. Really the person's just asking like, all right, so is asexuality what I'm looking at here? Or is this potential ADHD diagnosis, could that potentially be another explanation? And I think the answer is, yeah, it could. But why not both? Why not, yeah, or both, sure.

Here's the next one. "Self-pity Is Destroying My Sex Life."

Cate: Oh!

Jessamine: I'm ADHD with my own party tray of prescription meds, so focusing during sex is hard and orgasms are rare. But for me, it's not a problem. I love seeing my partner of seven years happy. I feel connected and desired. However, the lack of my orgasm is a problem for my partner.

The first questions after he finishes are always, "Have you finished? Was it close?" followed by, "I'm so sorry, I just want you to feel as good as I am, I'm so bad at this."

The issue is I feel good and he can't comprehend that that's possible without an orgasm. He's autistic as well, so probably that's related. Another related issue is I do rarely want to have sex as it is. It's more like responsive desire. Because of that, I don't always feel comfortable to instigate. The problem is my partner would love me to be more direct and he's afraid I no longer fancy him. But I love him, fancy him, and enjoy our sex. It's more just like the constant need to feel good during sex and to reassure him is making me steer away. Any ideas?

Cate: Oh boy, where do I even start? One of the most damaging things that has happened in our culture is this idea that orgasm has to be the goal of intimacy. And so my first suggestion would just be communicating around that, like really having communication around, hey, I just like being intimate with you. It does not matter to me whether or not I accomplish orgasm, I'm just enjoying spending time with you. I think communicating as directly and specifically around that is super-duper important.

Jessamine: It sounds like they have been though.

Cate: Well, that was going to be the second thing. Because if there is like that assurance part, like that's the thing where I think maybe like a very direct conversation about, hey, when you ask this and then you make it kind of my problem to have to like reassure you that you did a good job, that is an amount of an emotional labor that is making me less inclined to want to have sex with you. Maybe say it nicer than that, right? Like find a nicer way into that conversation.

But I used to be that person. Like I have been so guilty of just needing to be told that I did a good job. There's an element of compliment fishing in there too that I would kind of maybe wonder about, if there is like that real need for reassurance, if there is that real need for like acknowledging what has gone on.

But especially when it gets to the point of like you don't want to have sex with your partner because the emotional labor of reassurance afterwards is so great, like that is clearly a problem. And so I would really think about breaking it down and really honing in on like — I just want to focus on being close with you, being intimate with you, and if it's going to be an issue around like I have to come or you can't enjoy yourself — that's a partner problem, right? If the partner is only getting their sense of satisfaction over like I made you come, that's not a healthy way of approaching intimacy.

Jessamine: And it just adds to the — which is a theme I saw in a lot of these posts — the feeling of sex as task, hence the avoidance, right? The chore of explaining again, I'm happy, please don't worry about this, this is fine, this is fine. Yeah, that's very unsexy.

(14:30) Why scheduling intimacy can reduce the pressure to perform for those with ADHD.

Jessamine: I'm going to let you pick the next one. "Higher Libido During Hyperfixations" and "Sex Countdown."

Cate: "Sex Countdown." Incredible name for a band.

Jessamine: Yeah, it's a good one. All right, "Sex Countdown." I saw this video where a woman is talking about how as soon as her and her partner have sex, there's a countdown that starts in her head and it just stresses how long it's been since they have had sex. She tied it to her ADHD and anxious attachment style. My partner's high libido and the pressure and expectation I feel has created so much anxiety for me, but I love him and I want to have sex with him. I don't know, does anyone experience this?

Cate: That's really common, honestly. Like that idea of putting a ton of pressure on yourself. Like, I bet I'm disappointing my partner, I'm bet I'm letting my partner down. And then that becomes kind of the feeling that gets established around sex is like I should want this more or I'm, you know, I'm somehow being a bad partner because I'm not constantly wanting sex.

It's also really interesting they sort of identified their partner as is high libido. But the thing is is that libido's a very changeable thing. It's going to change and evolve over the course of our lives, right? So I think it's really important to remember when you start having these conversations around like now I feel a bunch of pressure, now I feel a bunch of anxiety is to really examine where that pressure and anxiety is coming from. Because if it is coming from the partner, that is one conversation, that is one conversation around expectation and negotiations and when pressure is and is not appropriate.

But if the pressure is coming from you, if you are catastrophizing, a lot of times that is again like an ADHD behavior. Our brains suck at stillness, our brains suck at safety, right? And so if there's a sense of safety, if there's a sense of stability, a lot of times we can do a lot of work to find a problem because that's interesting, that gives our brain something to think about and to latch onto.

But it is also important to name that it can be really, really difficult for the person with ADHD to be the person initiating because again, sex is like a recall mechanism. And so if we're not in a headspace where we're thinking about sex, it can be really difficult for us to be like, oh yeah, I could have sex today because we're just not thinking about it in the same way that other people are able to recall that like series of tasks basically, right?

So I think if that is the case, one of the best things that you can do is schedule intimacy. And I don't mean scheduling sex, right? Because then that sets up additional pressure, like okay, on Thursdays we have sex. But then if you don't have sex on that Thursday, have we failed? Have we messed up? Did like did we miss something?

But what you can do is say on Thursdays I'm going to make an intentional effort to be close to my partner, I'm going to share space with my partner, I'm going to be in physical contact with my partner. And what that does is that puts desire and that and that makes that sort of feeling of wanting to have sex accessible because you've moved it from a background process to a forefront process.

And so it's not about like non-romantically saying we must have sex at 7:00 PM on Thursdays because that's a lot of pressure and a lot of like non-romantic. But I think if there is that sort of like wall of awful around like oh my god it's been so long and the longer I go the harder it is to get back into things and the more pressure I feel and the shittier that I feel about myself, yeah, like just just making it easier to transition into that activity, making it easier to access that desire. It's nothing to feel bad about, it's nothing to feel guilty about, so so many couples deal with mismatched libidos and different desire styles and how they like to initiate or when they like to initiate. So yeah, that's my answer.

Jessamine: So that makes me think we should probably just — your answer being about the variability — probably we should go back to "Higher Libido During Hyperfixations."

Cate: Okay.

Jessamine: "Higher Libido During Hyperfixations." This is a bit of an embarrassing question because I feel like I'm the only one who experiences this.

Cate: Probably not.

Jessamine: Whenever I develop a hyperfixation that gets me extremely excited, especially a show or a book, I find that my libido gets really high as well, question mark? Especially when I engage with my hyperfixation. A lot of the time I feel like I get so excited it turns me into needing to get off. It happens even if it's not something necessarily sexual. Don't know, I'm a bit embarrassed about this and I'd love to know if this is an ADHD thing or not.

(20:00) The surprising link between mental hyperfixations and physical arousal.

Cate: That is a fascinating question. I agree. I genuinely don't know if I know the answer to that question.

Jessamine: We stumped you.

Cate: I mean I can surmise, I can extrapolate scientifically things that I know. Because I mean hyperfixation is a heightened state of arousal, right? Not necessarily like physical arousal, but when an ADHD brain is entered into that state, we are enjoying ourselves. And so I would imagine that in some brains the the sense of enjoyment, the sense of pleasure, the sense of like I'm having a really good time and I'm really enjoying this, that could then be translated into a heightened sense of physical arousal, which then when you're like masturbating or having sex or whatever, that is then going to deliver more dopamine, more serotonin, more oxytocin, which is then going to sort of increase the sense of like pleasure in the hyperfixation and so then like I could see it becoming a cycle, right? I could see it becoming like all of my good feelings and the pleasurable feeling of being like really invested in a hyperfixation, because like that's tasty, I love — oh man, I know that feeling.

I don't necessarily know if I've ever heard anybody like directly correlate feelings of like I am more horny when I am hyperfixated on something. But I also suppose it depends on what you're hyperfixated on. Like I've absolutely gone through periods where I've been hyperfixated or hyper-focused on like kink and BDSM and learning like shibari and like that kind of thing, and that is an inherently like sexual activity. So I was thinking about sex more, I'm like getting turned on by like some of the content that I'm consuming, and so that has absolutely increased my sort of just like desire around like sex and intimacy. But I don't know if I've ever had that of like, you know, I got really into "Doctor Who" and I'm generally parenthesis more horny. But like, I feel like it makes perfect sense. Like —

Jessamine: Yeah, but the excitement thing you said makes sense, you're just like feeling good anyway. And then you're like, I might as well treat myself to, you know, a little sesh. Treat yourself 2026. But I'm wondering if this is a correlation not causation question mark? You're more prone to be hyperfixated because you're in a certain state and you're also more prone to be horny because of certain factor — like whatever factor is causing both things.

Cate: I'd also be really interested — like if I was in a study this, which I feel like now I want to, now I want to like do a bunch of research on this — but I feel like if I was going to study this, I would also want to know like where is this person in their cycle? Like where are they — you know what I mean? I'm very interested to see like the patterns of this and how it fits into sort of like somatically the whole. What is going on in their life? Like how stressed are they baseline? There's so many other things that I think could contribute to that that are like a correlation versus causation conversation.

Jessamine: Because now I'm like wildly speculating but I'm like maybe the hyperfixation is giving your brain like a sort of a resting place that it doesn't always have. Like I feel like that's for me. I'm like when I get into a book that I'm like genuinely I cannot wait for my day to end so I can go read it, which I love being addicted to a book because I'm just so excited about that. And it doesn't happen all the time, so when it does, I'm like oh god this is like a special, this is like a morsel, like I'm so excited. Maybe there's the excitement but maybe it also just like quiets a part of your brain that then allows like whatever is blocking like that feeling normally. I mean they're not saying that they have low libido other times, but still, like maybe there is also that where it relaxes you or gives a piece of the puzzle.

Cate: It could also be the opposite too, because I know like there is also some people to whomst the hyperfixation phase it is the thing that is like stimulating, right? And it's like and that is when when you are feeling your best, when you are feeling like your most productive, your most creative. And I know like when I am hyperfixated on something, even if it's something goofy, I feel better about myself. I feel more empowered, I feel like I am more myself. Because a lot of my hyperfixations tend to be like research-oriented, like research-based type things, and so I'm like I'm so smart, I'm so cool, I love research. Like you know and getting to sort of access that — I think that could also be part — I don't know, like there's so many different ways this could go. This is fascinating.

Jessamine: Yeah, builds your confidence and then therefore you feel sexier, if that's —

Cate: Yeah, I do! I feel sexier like when I'm like look at me, I'm such a like hot academic. Like oh!

Jessamine: Yeah, sexy librarian, that makes a lot of sense.

Cate: Exactly. I want to research that for forever now. Yeah, that's really interesting. Email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org if you get hyperfixated and horny.

Jessamine: Hyperfixated and horny, that's a good podcast spin-off that we can do.

Cate: That's a really good name for a podcast. All right, my dear beloved listeners, that is all for this episode of Reddit reactions. And hey, if you come across a Reddit thing that you think would go really well for this, please send it to us, please let us know. Or a theme. Yeah, or a theme, you want themes, all sorts of different stuff. So yeah, hit us up, let us know. And thank you dear listeners for being here and we will see you next time here on "Sorry I Missed This." Bye guys!

Thank you for listening. Anything mentioned in the episode will be linked in the show notes with more resources. Have a question, comment, burning story you'd like to share? Email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a non-profit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"Sorry I Missed This" is produced by Jessamine Molli and edited by Jessie DiMartino. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright. Production support provided by Andrew Rector. Briana Berry is our production director. Neal Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson. And I'm your host, Cate Osborn. Thank you so much for listening and I'll see you again. Making the path as slippin' slidy as possible — oh I hate that I said that in regards to sex and intimacy, but you know what? It's fine, I made that bed, I'll lie in it.