ADHD and: Overachieving

For many women with ADHD, overachievement is a coping mechanism. It’s a way to cover up their trouble with focus, memory, or organization. But over time, it can lead to stress and burnout.

In this episode, Dr. Monica Johnson explains the connection between ADHD and the constant drive to overachieve.  Learn how to recognize the signs and give yourself permission to slow down.

We love hearing from our listeners! Email us at podcast@understood.org. 

• ADHD and perfectionism

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• MissUnderstood: The ADHD in Women Channel

(00:58) What is overachieving?

(01:42) How overachievement is related to ADHD 

(03:01) Why ADHD women are prone to overachieving 

(04:44) Strategies to combat overachieving

Dr. J: If you're a woman with ADHD, you've probably experienced that constant drive to overachieve. It's as if you're always in a race trying to prove something, whether to others or yourself. And no matter what you accomplish, it never feels like it's quite enough.

This is "ADHD and," where we talk about everyday life and ADHD. I'm your host, Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with those with ADHD. Today, we're talking about ADHD and overachieving. We'll explore why overachieving is common, and I'll share some strategies on how to break the cycle.

Overachieving often seems like a strength, right? But for many women with ADHD, it's a double-edged sword. It's not always about ambition. Sometimes it's about survival.

Overachieving is when someone consistently goes above and beyond what's expected, often to an unhealthy degree, and usually driven by a deep-seated need for validation, control, or safety. It's the same as being driven or ambitious. This is when doing well is not enough.

You're chasing perfection, constantly worried about being perceived as lazy, inadequate, or incapable. For many women with ADHD, overachieving isn't just a quirk. It's a coping mechanism developed over years of being misunderstood, dismissed, or underestimated. Let's connect the dots between ADHD and overachievement.

The first thing I wanna talk about are mask symptoms. Many women with ADHD go undiagnosed for years. Instead of being seen as hyper, they may be called scattered, moody, or too sensitive, so they push themselves harder to fit in and avoid criticism. Which naturally leads us to rejection sensitivity. This is the intense emotional pain that those with ADHD feel when they experience perceived or real rejection or failure. To avoid this, many women try to become perfect.

The next one is internalized ableism. Growing up, you may have been called lazy, told that you weren't living up to your potential, or that you had to work twice as hard to be seen seriously. Overachievement becomes your way of proving your worth and that you're not fundamentally flawed.

The last thing I'm going to mention here is people pleasing. Executive dysfunction may mean that you forget birthdays or miss deadlines. As a means of overcompensating, you're going to make up for it by being the go-to girl, enthusiastically volunteering for things that you don't actually have the bandwidth for, and always saying yes. So, why does this overachieving pattern seem to hit women with ADHD harder? Let's look into some of the factors that come into play.

Across cultures, girls and women are socialized from an early age to be seen as polite, well-organized, emotionally regulated, and responsible for other people's feelings. There's a reason why "very demure, very mindful" is something that resonated with so many people and went viral. These traits directly clash with ADHD symptoms, which often include impulsivity, distractibility, emotional reactivity, and a whole host of executive functioning challenges.

Couple this with the fact that women with ADHD are often underdiagnosed or misdiagnosed because they internalize their symptoms rather than externalizing them like boys. This internalization can lead to higher rates of anxiety, depression, or perfectionism as women try to hide their struggles and meet societal norms.

The camouflaging effect is common. Women try to act neurotypical through overcompensation. Modern women are often bombarded with the idea that they have to excel in multiple life domains simultaneously. Careers, relationships, parenting, appearance, and emotional labor. This is exacerbated by a lack of ADHD-specific support structures for women, meaning that they often suffer in silence and rely on overachievement to prove their competence.

This is the problem with getting trapped in these patterns. The bar is always moving just out of your reach. All right, let's get into the good stuff. If you're listening to this and thinking, "I know this feeling all too well," don't worry. There are strategies to combat overachieving and find a healthier balance.

(04:44) Strategies to combat overachieving

Number one is to name the pattern without judging yourself. Begin by noticing when you're doing more than is actually sustainable for you. Are you signing up for things because you want to or because you're afraid of being seen in a poor light? Here's a few ideas on how to practice it. Keep a journal or voice note log of your emotional state before and after taking on new tasks. You may wanna ask yourself questions like, "Am I doing this because I want to or because I feel like I have to prove something?"

Make sure to use compassionate language. Replace "I'm being ridiculous" with things like, "I'm noticing an old survival habit show up again." So, let's take a second to talk about why this helps. Naming the pattern is the first step in shifting it. It gives you agency and awareness instead of leaning into the autopilot of perfectionism and letting that run the show.

Number two is saying no without explaining everything. I really want to be clear, you're allowed to say no without justifying it with overapologizing or long explanations. ADHD and trauma can make people pleasing feel like a safety net, but setting boundaries is a radical form of self-respect. So, in terms of practicing it, you want to use scripts like, "I'm not available right now, but thank you so much for thinking of me." Or you can do things like, "I can't take that on, but I hope it goes well."

Practicing saying no in low-stakes situations like refusing to do an in-store survey or turning down a social invite that you're not really that interested in, is a great way to build your boundary muscle. Saying no protects your energy. It helps you unlearn the habit of overextending yourself just to earn belonging or to avoid the feeling of guilt.

Number three is to redefine what productivity means. In a society that praises burnout and hustle, resting can feel like a failure. And I don't blame you for getting that impression. The number of unrealistic morning routines on the internet is wild. Generally speaking, no one is routinely going to bed at 11 p.m. and waking up at 4 a.m., and then spending five hours exercising, meditating, and creating color-coded bento box meals for their day.

Your worth isn't in how much you do, it's in who you are. Here's a few ideas on how to practice it. Write a list of non-work wins. So, things like "I took my meds, I fed myself," or "I called my friend." And then I want you to set things that I call "enough goals" instead of perfect ones. So, for example, instead of telling yourself to write the entire proposal today, maybe you say write the outline and that's enough.

Lastly, I'd say try to create or schedule open space within your schedule where nothing is really expected of you. When you shift your definition of productivity to include things like emotional regulation, rest, and joy, you give yourself permission to be human and not just a machine.

Number four is to use ADHD friendly planning tools. Women with ADHD may overcompensate with mental to-do lists, which leads to overwhelm and decision fatigue. Tools and structure can help externalize the pressure and prevent last-minute adrenaline-fueled marathons. Here's a few ideas on how to practice it.

The first is to use visual planners, sticky notes, or digital apps with categories like "Must do, nice to do," or "can wait." My second idea is to time block your day with built-in breaks. You can use something like the Pomodoro method or time chunking. And the last thing I'll suggest is to create transition rituals to help shift between tasks, like playing a short song before starting work or brewing some tea after finishing an important task.

Having systems in place reduces cognitive load. It makes it easier to prioritize, which means you're less likely to say yes to everything out of panic or self-doubt. Number five is to prioritize rest and play intentionally. Rest isn't earned, it's essential. But for women conditioned to tie self-worth to performance, rest can feel uncomfortable or even shameful. That's why we have to learn how to practice it on purpose. Here's a few ideas on how to do that.

First is, scheduling do-nothing time like it's an actual appointment. So, you might block rest in your calendar from 4 to 5 p.m. The next is to engage in unstructured play, dancing, crafting, gardening, doodling, anything that you can do without an outcome. And lastly, I would suggest, start with micro-rest. Sit for five minutes with no phone or productivity on your mind. Let yourself just be.

I have this rocking chair on my porch, and especially on chaotic days, I make sure that I take a few minutes and just sit outside to help myself destress for a moment. There are days where it makes a world of difference. Rest and joy recalibrate your nervous system. They teach your brain that it's safe even when you're doing nothing, and they prevent burnout, which overachieving will almost always do.

And number six is to use self-compassionate language daily. That inner drill sergeant who pushes you to overachieve, she's learned to keep you safe, but you don't have to let her run the show anymore. Here's a few ways on how to practice. Replace "I'm so behind" with "I'm doing the best that I can today." You may wanna say something like, "I'm proud of myself for trying" instead of "That wasn't good enough."

And lastly, you may want to keep a compassion script journal with phrases that work for you and help to reduce shame and kind of cheerlead you when you're having a bad day. Words shape our beliefs. You can't hate yourself into being a better version of you, but you can guide yourself gently into a more grounded, confident, and rested life on your terms.

That's it for this session of "ADHD and." Thank you so much for joining me. And if you enjoyed this episode, please check out "ADHD and: Perfectionism," where I talk about why perfectionism is often a challenge for women with ADHD. And while you're there, please like and subscribe for more.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org, a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org. "ADHD and", is produced by Tara Drinks and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our video producer is Calvin Knie. Samiah Adams is our production manager. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our audio engineer and music composer is Justin D. Wright. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Dr. J.