Building ADHD community

Without community, ADHD can feel isolating and shameful. Like you’re the only one facing these challenges and “can’t get it together.” Community provides a space to share the wins and the embarrassing moments. And it can be especially helpful for women processing late diagnoses.

Host of the ADHDAF podcast and UK ADHD community builder, Laura Mears-Reynolds, visits the show to talk about how sharing experiences with others can ease shame, and create support. 

We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org.

• adhdasfemales.com

• The ADHD Women subreddit

• ADHD Support for Women by Understood.org’s Facebook group

(00:57) How do we find value in a community with ADHD?

(03:58) How did Laura get started building the ADHDAF community?

(09:39) Feeling alone in what you’re facing without community

(14:36) Being compassionate with others helps us be compassionate with ourselves

(18:14) Feeling isolated with ADHD

(19:56) How do I find community? How do I build it myself?

Cate: Hi, everybody, and welcome back to "Sorry, I Missed This." It's me, your host, Cate Osborn, and today I am sitting down with Laura Mears-Reynolds to ask one very specific question: How do we, as ADHD folk,s find value in community?

Now, I'm really excited to introduce you to our guest today, Laura Mears-Reynolds is the host of ADHDAF as females and she is an incredible community builder, especially over in the UK. She has built an entire program where women come from all over to sit in rooms together and in virtual rooms together to talk about ADHD and their experiences and their life. And it is turning into something of a phenomenon over in the UK. She is one of my favorite ADHD creators out there, and I'm so happy to have her on to talk about community today.

When I think about community, my immediate gut instinct is to think about it in terms of deficit. I think about all the times that I have lacked community when I wished I had someone to talk to, to ask, "Is this weird? Is this normal? Is this strange? Am I broken? Is there something wrong with me?" But growing up not knowing that I had ADHD and not knowing that my brain worked differently than that of my peers, it was so hard for me to find community with them.

I remember feeling like an outcast. I remember very specifically being bullied. I remember feeling like I had missed some sort of pivotal memo about how to be a person in this world, and I know that is a feeling that is so common among so many women with ADHD, especially if you are like me and on team late diagnosed.

One of the reasons why I'm so excited to bring Laura in today is because Laura saw that, she has felt that herself, and she has worked tirelessly for the past five years to really hone in on the idea of community and what happens when we bring people together, where we can share those silly moments, we can share the embarrassment, we can share the shame, but we can also share love and support and uplifting and understanding?

And the more that I have done this work, the more that I have worked with folks in the ADHD community and delved into the ADHD community myself, I've seen that need. And when that need has been met in me, when I have been able to find community, I feel more powerful, I feel more grounded. I feel more able to do things even when things are tough.

And so, when we talk about relationships here on "Sorry, I Missed This," we're not just talking about the intimate relationships that you have with your family or your partners. We're talking about the relationships that we have with the ADHD community as a whole.

And so, I am so excited to introduce you to Laura Mears-Reynolds. And I hope, dear listener, you will share some community with us. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to "Sorry, I Missed This." It's me, your host, Cate Osborn, coming to you live from my childhood basement. Welcome to the show, Laura.

Laura: Honestly, I absolutely love your basement. It's such a vibe.

Cate: It's a vibe, right?

Laura: It's absolutely a vibe.

Cate: It has remained unchanged since I was approximately two years old. It has been this way my entire life. And so, it's like, it's weird because I'm like the adult version of me doing my adult job in this place, and it just feels, like I feel like the ghost of Catie past is like watching me and going like, "Yeah."

Laura: Your inner child is high-fiving yourself in your amazing podcasting ventures in the basement. But thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited to speak to you again. I've been following you since, I don't even know when your episode was, I was going to look back, but I feel like it's a couple of years ago.

Cate: Yeah, it's been a minute. But I have to say, for people who don't know, I would love it if you could talk a little bit about your podcast and why you started it, and how you came to the idea of creating the ADHDAF plus community, because that is so cool.

Laura: Thank you. Yeah, so, basically, I am chaos. My life it's always been really chaotic. And I had a conversation with a very good friend of mine. She said to me that she had just been diagnosed with ADHD. And I said, you know, how does this impact your life? And when she explained it to me, I was like, "Well, God, if you've got it, I've definitely got it." And she was like, "Yeah, about that. I'm just, you know, gently nudging you in that direction."

So, at that point, at 35, I went on an NHS waiting list for assessment, and three years later, with no end in sight, I was in a really bad way. So, you know, proper mental health crisis really, really was not Ok. In amongst all of that, my husband and I had moved to Scotland and with his new job, it transpired that I had access to private healthcare, and I was diagnosed with severe combined type ADHD three years ago this month.

And so, basically, I moved into this house and met a neighbor, and I poured a glass of wine, and she said, "Sorry if I talk too much, I think I've got ADHD." And I said, "No way. Me too." At the same time, a friend introduced me to another podcast, and I said, "You should listen to this." Then she said, "Let's just do our own."

And that was that. So, we started "ADHDAF" and we were very much documenting our experiences as late discovered ADHDers, and my co-host Dawn is actually step down now. It's me on my own for the last year, which has been really tough but Dawn did what she needed to do and I needed to carry on on this mission.

So, basically, I will wrap it up. I started taking medication, and I'm one of those people that it made an enormous difference to. It literally cut through this anxiety that I didn't even know that I had. I thought that was just called living. So, it really changed my life so much, so quickly. And having only, you know, narrowly survived the mental health crisis that I found myself in, I really realized the magnitude of this problem globally, and I just needed to make some noise about it because I know how much ADHD has cost me, and it's also cost me a lot of people in my lives. It's cost them their lives. Like it's a really serious thing.

So, I've been on this mission to make loads of noise along the way, started a Patreon community which turned into a literal lifeline that I've met all of these people, we have formed this community, and really supported each other and learned so much from each other. And through that and doing live events, I realize the power of connecting people in my life as well, which is why the charity came about. So, the charity has only just launched. I'm very excited to get cracking with actually starting peer support groups all over the UK in real life.

Cate: So, for our listeners who don't know about your live events, I would love for you to talk just a little bit about what they look like, what happens, and why. They are just honestly so incredibly special to the people who attend. Can you sort of like paint a picture of what these events look like?

Laura: Well, ridiculous. As ridiculous as I am. I think, you know, the thing about the events is that they literally came about because somebody said, "Come to Manchester," as in, "Let's go for dinner or go for drinks." And I was like, "Yeah, let's go and let's do it all," because I'm so all or nothing. So, I planned this 16-date tour with, I think, two days rest in between, and it was called the "Too Much Tour." I wanted to embrace all too muchness. Own it. Yeah. Too much, too much for you, but let's embrace our too muchness. Let's be who we are.

And so, along the way, I knew that I wanted it to be a seminar of sorts. But I also have a lot of imposter syndrome always, as so many of us do. All of my jobs have been silly jobs. I've worked in nightclubs. I was a scuba diving instructor. I'm not really a give a seminar type, so I decided to turn it into a game of bingo. And the reason being...

Cate: That's good, though. That's so good.

Laura: It works in the way that pulling these bingo balls out that correspond to different categories, it means that every show is different, but it also gamifies the learning process because it means that people who ADHD presents in a way that we struggle to concentrate or we get bored easily, well, it's a game now and you could win a prize. And I gave out prizes and it's all leopard print, etcetera. And as the shows progressed, I realized that it was really important to me to not just bring people together, but to make them feel good.

So, every story that I told on the podcast — I have a section called "The Most ADHD Thing"— so I brought that into real life as part of the show and asked people to share their ADHD stories, and I would share mine for each category. And some of them are a bit sad, so I was like, "Well, this can't be sad. We're playing bingo all together." So, then I introduced karaoke. So, it's bingo and karaoke, but it's a seminar and it's just absolutely ridiculous. And we all wear leopard print and that's it.

Cate: I just think what you're doing is so cool, and it's so needed, and it's so necessary. And it's just the applications of it, like the practical applications of having access to a community not only online but like around you, like that's so powerful and important and especially like here in America, like we're really struggling right now with that.

And it's like, I don't think it's actually as scary out there as people want to believe. But because we are being told these like, really scary stories online all the time about how you have to be afraid all the time and you have to be mistrustful, we are losing that sense of community, and it's so hard for neurodivergent women to sort of move through that and past that, to get to a place where they have access to something. I'm just ranting now, but you can talk. I'm so sorry. I just got really fired.

Laura: Honestly, I was just, I could listen to talk all day. I do. I listen to you all the time. And I've been following you all these years because I love everything that you do. Listen, I have to be honest with you. One of the tours that I did was called "Alien Nation" because I've always felt like an alien, and it was kind of creating our own planet within that.

But genuinely, it's not just a gimmick. Like, I really did feel like I was the only person who couldn't get it together. I really did feel that I was this inept human being, and so much so that I didn't fit into society, so I ran. I ran away and I've spent most of my adult life living on tiny islands in expat communities. I lived on Ko Tao in Thailand, I lived in Bali, I lived in Ibiza, where I'm going to go back, to be honest.

And in having those expat communities, what you have is kind of a bit of a bunch of weirdos. You're the same kind of weirdo, right? And when I left Ibiza and I gave up all my gallivanting and sun chasing because I fell in love, I know what led to the terrible person I am, I left Spain, I came back to the UK to try and be normal and oh my God, it nearly killed me.

Cate: Yeah.

When I thought about what it was that I missed, I thought, "Oh, I'm going to miss the clubs in Ibiza. I'm going to miss the sunshine. I'm going to miss all these reasons to get dolled up and have fun." No, I miss the community.

So, just on a nice practical level, living in a community, people would give each other lifts from the airport. I would do somebody's hair, they would do this to me. I would do that for them. Especially in a country where you don't speak the language, somebody else needs to explain to you, "Well, this is how you fill in this form. This is where the post office is. This is what you need to do." And that is genuinely my experience of adult life.

So, then I come into normal life, and I can't do it at all. I don't know how to do it because I'm used to doing it in community. And literally through starting a community, that is what's happened. There is so much that I have learned. There is so much in terms of the support that you can get.

Like, I didn't start the podcast as some kind of expert. I wouldn't even say I'm now. I was genuinely just a person on this path, sharing what I learned as I went. And what that has done is it's brought in all those other weirdos like me, and we all connect and support each other and have built this community that we have. And it is genuinely my inherent belief that that's how it should be.

And what's brilliant about it is that with us all being so different, all ADHDers are different. And that's really important to know as well, because if we are going to be here trying to advocate for ADHDers, for people to have compassion, your rant about compassion on ADHDers remains one of my favorite moments of the whole podcast. However, many hundred and forty something.

Honest to God, because you're right. Just be nice is what you said in a nutshell. But it's like we have to also live that way. We have to be compassionate and understand that I can sit here and say, "Oh, I'm too much, I'm too loud, I talk too quickly. I, chaos, chaos, chaos." There is somebody who could have the exact same diagnosis as me and be like, "But I need the order in order in order for me to thrive." You come in thinking that you were the same, learn how very different you are, and then learn from each other and support each other.

But also it becomes very apparent through living closely with others, your own struggles and your own patterns. I think that so often for people like me, that RSD, I am really ruled by my feeling ,everything, I feel everything all of the time so intensely, that can really cloud your judgment. What is fact and what is feeling? And that's something that being part of a community has taught me massively. The cliche "don't believe everything you think" I've renamed RSD to really shit daydreams, just to try and put it into context. Is it real or is it just a really shit daydream?

Cate: I feel like you need to start selling really shit daydream merch, because that's, that's brilliant.

I really liked what you said about modeling not only compassion for ourselves, but also modeling compassion within the community, right? Because like one of the most powerful aspects of being in community with other neurodivergent people is that we get the opportunity to practice, we get the opportunity to learn, and we also get the opportunity to say, "Oh, I do that too. OK."

Laura: Yes.

Cate: And then the step further, the step after that is, "Hey, when you're struggling with RSD, parentheses really shit daydreams, what you do? And being able to talk about that, like comparing and discussing it in a way that's like, "Hey, well, here's how Laura handles it. Here's how Cate handles it. Here's how, I don't know if Steve handles it, whoever Steve is, right?

But we get the opportunity to learn from each other and improve not only I think our understanding of our neurodivergence, but also we're building skills. Have you seen that in the work that you're doing?

Laura: 100%, 100%. You know, one of the things that sprung to mind, first of all, is that also when you are working in close proximity or living in close proximity with others, so, I don't want to make it sound like it's a cult, because it certainly isn't that, but it's like, you know, we have morning body doubling, for example. So, you know, a group of people were all pretty used to seeing each other in our pajamas or with one eye shot, dribbling, whatever, you know, and you get to know people.

And when you kind of see their patterns of behavior playing out, you do turn inward, so you do start to go "Well, if I can see how this person, the role that they are playing in their own suffering, God help them, then that applies to me as well."

Cate: Yeah.

Laura: But I think the other thing that's really been very special is kind of it's about empowerment. It's about self-confidence, and self-respect, self-love, all of that icky stuff that I can't believe the words that come out of my mouth. But, you know, it's, really we have built this thing in which it has empowered us all, it has shown us all our worth. We're seeing the worth in each other. And so, within that, that has also impacted not just the raising of our self-worth, but within relationships.

You know, we can be vulnerable to end up in abusive relationships, for example, you know, and not recognize the patterns or be recreating patterns that we've already experienced in our lives from parents, from whatever that's happened in the past.

And actually, it has been the case in several circumstances that people have had their self-worth raised, realize the situation that they're in, and actually to have that community behind you, there are so many people that would be afraid to walk out the door or would be afraid to stand up for themselves. And actually they're like, "Well, I'm all right. You know, I've got people behind me. I don't have to second guess myself. I've seen this play out and I know it's right, and that's what I'm going to do." So, I think that's a really amazing thing.

Cate: I love that you talked about that, because that's something that I run into so often as well. Like I get emails from women who are like, "Hey, so my husband is taking my medication as like punishment or like he's mad at me. And so, he hid my ADHD meds," like things like that. And they go, "What do I do?" And I always am like, "That is abusive. Like, that's not OK." But if you have the ability to reach out to a community and hear, you know, 15 people saying, "Actually, no, absolutely not, that's unacceptable." I think sometimes that can be easier to hear.

I wonder about how much having access to a community not only improves our self-worth but it also just gives us the opportunity to run stuff by a group.

You know, you talked about feeling isolated earlier, and I felt the same way for a really long time. I felt like I was the only one struggling. I felt like I was the only person who couldn't get my shit together, you know?

And then finally it was like, "Oh, is this ADHD thing." And then the more people that I met and the more people that I started talking with, I was like, "Oh, no, we all feel like that. But it's just really hard to acknowledge publicly."

Laura: It's really essential. If you think about it right now, I mean, in the UK, the BBC put out some research that in some parts of the UK, you could be waiting eight years for ADHD assessment, diagnosis, and treatment. And you know, as I've said, I know firsthand how dangerous that wait can be. So, at the same time, you've also got the media. I mean, it's got better than when I started doing the podcast. But there was a time in the UK press where if you saw the word ADHD, you braced yourself because you knew it was going to be bad, right?

So, having been through all of the difficulties that we've come up against externally, internally, thinking that we're rubbish, getting things wrong, making mistakes, losing self-worth, all of the rest of it, you figure out what it is.

People in society are turning around and saying, "We've all got it," or "You've just made it up" or "You're jumping on the bandwagon." You've got a doctor telling you, "Just sit and wait. It might be eight years," and then the press letting you to back up the opinions of the people that are ignorant and determined to not believe you or to still blame you or whatever it is. So, we need each other.

Cate: Yeah.

Laura: The community is essential because it's still tough out there.

Cate: We have been talking a lot about community, but like one of the questions that I get most frequently is "How? How do I find community? Where do I find community? Where do I go? How do I know it's going to be a good fit?" And so, if our dear listeners don't happen to live in the UK where you are doing all of your fabulous events, what are ways that you can recommend that our listeners can find community, can participate in community? And then I'm going to give my answer too.

Laura: Yeah, online spaces like Facebook, even on Instagram as well. I do the most ADHD things in part, it's not just to eradicate the shame, but also to make people talk to each other in the comments that I've, I've resonated with the ridiculous situations that have been shared.

Cate: Yeah, absolutely. And I was going to add great places to check out our places like Discord, also community groups. But I would be remiss in not shouting out Understood.org, because we also have Facebook groups. We also have resources and we will put those in the show notes so you can check them out. Because we are working very hard to build community here at Understood as well. So, if you are not able to go fly to England and hang out with Laura, come on down and hang out.

The other thing too is, and I think Laura, like you, are a beautiful illustration of this, dear listener, you can also be the change that you want to see in the world. If you don't have access to community support groups, you can start one. It is OK to say, "Hey, I'm going to be at this restaurant at this time. Come on down if you're a person who feels like me."

You know, like a lot of times there are people actively in your community who are looking for those supports, but they just don't know how to take that first step. And so, one thing that I really, truly believe in is that we just like, I mean, Laura, you did it. You just were like, "Yeah, I'm going to do this now," and then you did. And now it's like a huge thing. You're changing lives all over the country. And so, if you are thinking, "Boy, I wish there was something like that in my community," I want to encourage you and challenge you and say, "Maybe you could be the person who does it in your community," you know?

Laura: You know, the thing that I would say to anybody who is thinking about starting up anything is do yourself a favor and do it your way. You know, I think one of the main things that creating this community and being part of it has taught me is that I have spent my life trying to please people. And it's hard enough just people pleasing one person, when you've got a couple of hundred, you can't please all of them, and believe me, I have tried. It's been hard to accept that I cannot please all of those people at once because we're all different.

And the point is, you aren't going to be everyone's cup of tea. But do yourself a favor: If you've spent a lifetime of masking, trying to fit in, and trying to please people, please give yourself a break. At least try and have one space where you are just you, and you make the decisions because you think it's the right thing and you do what you think would be helpful. Because one of my core beliefs is that there is no such thing as a neurodivergent friendly event. There is no such thing. Because we're all different, you know?

When I came into starting to do events, there was this idea of, you know, fidget toys and make it quieter, hushed performance. All of this stuff. And I was just like, "Oh, but I don't fit into that space because I've got auditory processing disorder, i'm a bit hearing impaired, and need things to be louder. I've got the attention span of a gnat, so I need you to literally reach out and grab me and get my attention and hold it and make me laugh to see the value in what we're doing here. And then I might just be able to concentrate for that extra five minutes. But for others, they do get overstimulated.

And so, you can make accommodations both ways, which is what I try really hard to do. But there is no such thing as a neurodivergent friendly event. And there are so many different people in different spaces doing different things. If you do it your way, there will be people that respond well to that.

Cate: I relate to that so deeply. So, I was at a convention, and I was teaching about like ADHD and intimacy and sex and all that stuff. And so, I was like, I really want to do a neurodivergent meet and greet. I thought maybe ten people were going to show up. And so, like, you know, we're in this like little conference room or whatever.

And I had, like color color-coded name tags of like, I'm, you know, kind of shy. So, you know, talk to me first. You're like, I'm super outgoing. So, like, I can be the person who, like, makes an introduction. Like, I did all of the stuff I had, like a corner for drawing. I had a corner for talking. I had, like, all this stuff, and I was like, yeah. So, the ten people who show up to this event, they're going to have a great time.

280 people showed up to this room, and it was so unbelievably loud. I had to leave my own event because I was so overstimulated. I was like, "This is absolutely ridiculous." And it wound up being the most attended event of the entire convention. And everybody was like, "That's amazing. You threw the best party that's ever been thrown." And I was like, "Well, I had a very bad time, but I'm glad other people liked it." I was not expecting to have like a whole mini-convention in the convention.

Laura: Oh, I love it.

Cate: That was like a really validating moment for me because I realized I was like, "Oh, there is a need for this." And it was really simple for me to do. Because all I did was just reach out to the convention and say, "Can I have a room to do this thing?" And they were like, "Yeah, sure. Just, you know." And so, it wound up being like one of the highlights of my year. But it was so, so funny.

Laura, thank you so much for being here. This was a delightful chat. Thank you for the work that you do to empower women with ADHD. And dear listener, just for me, to you, Laura was one of the first people who ever asked me to come on a podcast and talk about my experiences, and it was one of my favorite ones I've ever done. And I'm so grateful because Laura was like, one of the reasons why I get to do this for my job. And so, thank you, Laura, for being here.

Laura: Thank you so much for having me. Can we do a show together?

Cate: Yeah. Oh my God, we should.

Thank you for listening. Anything mentioned in the episode will be linked in the show notes with more resources. Have a question, comment, burning story you'd like to share? Email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.

"Sorry, I Missed This" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright who also mixes the show. Samiah Adams is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Cate Osborn. I'll see you next time.

Laura: You just have to, like, paint a picture in chalk on the pavement and jump into it like Mary Poppins.

Cate: That's how that works. That's how I get to England, right?

Laura: Yeah. As long as you dress as a chimney sweep, you'd be right as right.