Online dating with ADHD

In theory, online dating can feel like an easy, low-stakes solution to meeting people. But in practice, there are a few pitfalls that many fall into. With ADHD, dating apps can pose even more challenges and be an additional drag on your attention. 

Clinical Psychologist Dr. Shauna Pollard visits the show to talk about what she’s noticed while working with ADHDers on online dating. Join this conversation on the dopamine chase that can happen while using dating apps, and setting boundaries with yourself. 

We love hearing from our listeners! Email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org.

• Dr. Pollard’s website

• A dating coach talks ADHD and super-connecting

• ADHD and emotions

(01:58) ADHD and online dating challenges

(09:17) Hyperfocusing on dating, and how to slow down

(11:41) “Marketing yourself” on online dating, and how to show the whole picture of who you are

(14:01) Figure out your “filter” for online matches, and include offline dating in addition to online

(17:03) Snap judgments, biases, and discrimination

(19:02) Feeling overwhelmed? Do what feels best for you

(20:02) ADHD disclosure on dating profiles

(22:42) Best practices for ADHDers to build meaningful relationships

Cate: Hi everybody, and welcome back to "Sorry, I Missed This," the show where we talk about all things ADHD and its impact on relationships, intimacy, communication, and even sex. It's me, your host, Cate Osborn, and on today's episode, we are talking about the pros and cons, the pitfalls, the upsides of online dating when you have ADHD. 

Today's guest is Dr. Shauna Pollard. She is a psychologist based in Georgia, who happens, very conveniently, to be an expert in online dating and supports a ton of different clients with a ton of different neurodivergencies. And I'm so excited to introduce her to you later on in the show. 

I have to admit to you, dear listener, that I have been guilty of a lot of the pitfalls that you are going to hear Dr. Shauna and I talk about in today's episode. I have absolutely been the person with ADHD who throws myself into dating apps and gets a million different matches and then lets them fizzle out slowly, one at a time, or goes on several, perhaps ill-advised, and what's the word I'm looking for? Impulsively uncontrolled dates. That maybe didn't go so well. 

And so, while I love online dating and I think that it provides a really accessible avenue for a lot of different folks to meet people, to make new friends, to even potentially meet new partners, I know from personal experience that there are also a lot pitfalls and there's some stuff that you need to watch out for, especially if you are a person with ADHD. And so, that is what Dr. Shauna and I are gonna talk about today. I'm so excited to welcome you to this conversation. Let's start the show. 

Shauna, welcome to the show. 

Shauna: Thank you, Cate. I'm so glad to be here. This is such an exciting topic that we're talking about. 

Cate: We are talking about online dating and ADHD. Let me ask you this right at the top. Do you think that online dating is challenging for people with ADHD? 

Shauna: Absolutely. It's like a kid in the candy store. There's so much stimulation coming from so many different areas, so many options. We like to focus on a lot of things at once and we actually have trouble narrowing our attention just to focus a single thing at a time. So, if you imagine dating apps, it's overwhelming. It's very stimulating. There's lots to choose from. There's a lot to think about. What do I write on my profile? Or what am I looking for? You can walk in looking for one thing and walk out with something else that you didn't plan to look for. That's how much stuff is going on on these apps. 

Cate: Well, it's really interesting, too, because when I first started putting this episode together, the first question that I had for you was, why do you think that online dating has become so ubiquitous, right? But then one of our wonderful producers was like, "Actually, online dating is on decline. It's not as popular as it was." And so, I'm curious, do you thing it has something to do with kind of what you just talked about? 

Shauna: Well, I think when it first started, you know, and I don't actually know when that is, but I know when I kind of started to have it on my radar, it was probably 2007, 2008, it was very different than it was. I think, when people went on there, they were really looking for relationships. There was a lot more authenticity because it wasn't as popular. I think the more it got popularized, the more got mainstream, you have all kinds of people on there, and the technology around it has changed so much. 

Where I will say it's a lot more low effort to get on a dating app or there weren't apps per se before, it'd be like eHarmony, right? And they had you fill out lots of questions, you had to pay money, you know, there were levels before you could match with someone, and be like, first you could see their profile, then you might do a phone call. And so, now all you have to do is click a button, and it links your Facebook app and go, right? And so, that changes the energy, the dynamics, the seriousness of who's on the apps. 

So, I think now that everyone's doing it, I mean, the question is, what even is a dating app? Is it a dating app? Or is it an app that people go on where they're looking for a variety of things and dating is just one of them? It also depends on what do mean by dating, right? So, I've kind of gotten off track with your question. 

Cate: Welcome to the podcast. 

Shauna: I think the nature of what people are getting versus what they have wanted has sort of changed as it's opened up, it's become more ubiquitous, it's become more easy for everyone to join. And then a lot of people just aren't satisfied with what they're finding on the apps. And so, people are becoming disenfranchised with them, and they're like, "I don't want to use the apps anymore." 

Cate: I have briefly forayed into online dating and I find it wildly difficult. And I don't know if it is because specifically of my ADHD or if it was just because of who I am inherently as a person. So, I was wondering if you could talk about the ways in which navigating online dating with ADHD can sort of make the process more daunting, more challenging, just generally more difficult. 

Shauna: Yeah, I mean, there's a lot to pay attention to, right? There's certain apps that limit how many interactions you can have a day or you know, how you could interact with people. Others is wide open. And so, you're getting pinged all day long, maybe, right? Or even if you're not getting pinged, you might be checking all day, long. The same challenges that people have with social media. So, you might not be thinking about the dating apps. You might be living your life and doing great. But all of a sudden, you get a ping, and then that's where your distraction goes. 

So, that's one thing is it is another drag on your attention. The other thing is sometimes people walk into dating apps saying like, I'm looking for this or I'm look for that in a relationship, but then if nobody's approaching them with that thing, then they're like, well, maybe I could like this or maybe I'm open to this, right? 

Cate: OK. 

Shauna: Or, like, I might not have dated this person, but this is the only person that's there. 

Cate: Yeah, well, I mean that very specifically reminds me of conversations that we've had on the podcast before about how a lot of women with ADHD, in particular, will sort of change themselves to be what they perceive that their partner wants. And I imagine that if you're on a bunch of different dating apps trying to be a bunch different things to a bunch of different people, that could be exhausting. That could be emotionally, I don't want to say devastating, but it's emotionally something at least. 

Shauna: Yeah, it can be overwhelming to figure out what it is that you're looking for and what it that you want, and then also what it it that's available. And that's where I think a lot of the work with dating apps, for me, with the clients that I work with, is reflecting back where there's other work to be done that really doesn't involve the apps. Because I think the more that you are very clear and very centered about what you're looking for and what you need out of your dating experiences, the better your experience will be on the app. 

I think the more that you're sort of, I don't know, exploratory, it can be overwhelming to figure out that through the apps. Yeah, there's so many dynamics that ADHDers experience with the apps. I think that sometimes attachment issues can be a challenge for ADHDers in the sense that like, the relationships that you've had earlier in life shape your relationships currently, whether you're more anxious in your relationships or whether you avoid close connection or intimacy, those can get aggravated by dating apps. And I think it's interesting because sometimes ADHDers can look like they're more anxiously attached, but they're being driven by the dopamine hit of using an app... 

Cate: Yeah. 

Than their actual like for the other person. And I that could go both ways. You might think, "Oh, this person's really into me. Like they're responding all of the time or they're always on the app." But they also just might be, you know, a little bit addicted to the app or like the engagement of the app rather than you as a person. So, I think it's worthwhile to know, like, you need to get off the app at some point and experience them in real life. 

Cate: It's so interesting you brought that up because that's one of the number one questions that I get asked from ADHDers is that idea of when you meet somebody new and you're having that like new relationship energy and you are in that moment of like, "Oh, we're getting to know each other and it's super exciting," so you're talking all the time, all the time, and then it's been like a couple of weeks and then you get burnt out and you're kind of tired and then kind of forget to message them one day and then you just ghost them out of nowhere and it's like, what happened? 

And so, I think being really aware of that and taking accountability and responsibility for the ways that ADHD can impact our ability to communicate and make or create successful relationships with other people, that's also really important to remember that there is another person on the end of that dating app. It's not TikTok, it's not whatever, it's just a real person who you're interacting with. 

Shauna: Even without the apps, a lot of ADHDers get into this hyperfocused state at the beginning of the relationship, and then the other person likes that. They're like, "I like this person that's all into me and that's texting all the time and calling all the time," and they don't like the person that you are once that phase is over. And so, sometimes you promise things that you can't maintain. 

Cate: What is it? It's overpromise and underdeliver, is that what it is? 

Shauna: Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's the downside of the apps is that like, I think they encourage hyperaccelerated relationship building, like, "Oh, let's go out on a date immediately, first date, second date, third date. And some people benefit from a more paced experience.  Cate: If you are one of those people who benefits from that slower burn or that really intentional, really focused getting to know each other period, do you have any best practices or ideas to support the person who's listening at home? 

Shauna: Yeah, I would say, first of all, tell them. Just say, like, "I like to take it slow." My big thing about managing ADHD is understanding yourself, understanding your symptoms, and how they show up. And then being able to communicate that to other people and just say, "I like to my time getting to know someone. I don't like to be rushed." Honor your boundaries. 

My recommendation for folks is to date mindfully and to give yourself enough time to tune in to how you're feeling at every stage in the process, how you're feeling after you message them through the app. Does it feel good? Does it feel bad? Do you feel rushed? Do you feel pressured? Do you feel worn out? Do you feel drained after talking to a person, or do you feel energized, lighter, hopeful? 

And so, do that after you do the exchanges on the app, do that after you a phone call, do that after you do a first date, that will give you feedback about where you want to go. And then, as you have information, like if you went out and it was a whirlwind and it felt too fast, you can just say like, "I need to slow this down a little bit. This is really fast for me." So, I think it's just recognizing that like a dating dynamic is always two people, and you can influence the pace. And if the other person isn't respectful or responsive to that, then that gives you a lot of feedback about who you're dealing with. 

Cate: It's interesting that dating apps not only sort of pigeonhole us, but then we're immediately pigeonholing others. And that feels bad. That feels bad to me. I don't know. 

Shauna: Yeah, I think it can feel bad because the answer is, you don't really know. And that's the challenge with online dating. It's only as good as a person's ability to market themselves well. And that why I often encourage people to make online dating a communal experience and have friends look at your profile and give you feedback. And it's like, does this match the version of you that they know? Also, you can have friends look at your matches. Like obviously, you're gonna make the final decision. But it can kind of help you to get past some of that. 

Cate: I really struggle with marketing myself. I struggle with the idea of having to pigeonhole myself or leave something out because you only have one box to fill out. But I'm like, no, actually I have five jobs or whatever it may be. And I know that that's really common with a lot of ADHDers. We are so many things. We have a lot different interests, we have a lot a different hobbies. We're not just into the one thing. So, do you have any thoughts on how to authentically represent yourself when you're creating an online dating profile if you're really worried about that sort of pigeonholing element?

Shauna: I think sometimes it's helpful to think about what you're looking for in a match. What are the first few things that you want them to know about you, or a passion that you hope your partner will share with you? So, if you love to go to concerts by a certain artist, it might be helpful to put that in there. Things that differentiate you from other people. Also, what are the things where when people think about you, this is what they always think about? Or you can always think about what has worked out well in your relationships to have and what has not worked out well. And those are things that you can kind of lead with in your profile.

And you could also test different profiles. I mean, I'm a researcher, so you can see how it feels. If you have certain things up, you can pay attention to the kinds of matches you get. You could also argue that like, is the point of online dating to get a lot of matches, or is it just to get one match that fits? But the argument typically is like you want a lot of matches so you can work your way through those to find one that fits. 

Cate: I'm interested to see how different sexualities and genders and stuff show up. Because, for me personally, I really consider myself demisexual more than anything else. And so, for me, if I'm on a dating app, I'm not looking for a one-night stand. I'm looking for hookup. I'm looking for something like that. And I know that that has become sort of part of the online dating culture. So, if you are a person who is maybe looking for just one or two matches, I imagine that must be much more difficult to sort of navigate through the field of almost like a popularity contest or like trying to get as many matches as you can. 

Shauna: Well, I think you have to have a strategy for how you filter, right? The idea is not necessarily that you go out with all of those matches, but the more people that are a match for you in the app, then you can use those first few conversations to start to filter out, like who would you actually want to go out on a date with? 

I think with online dating, you have a filter. So, I always tell people, you kind of want to have external things that you're requesting. Like if you're looking for someone else who is also demi, then you would say that. And then, out of those matches, then you can filter for the other things that you don't necessarily have on your profile. Like do we share the same values? I think values is one of the important ones to filter out for that you can't necessarily...sometimes you can call it out or label what you're looking for, but a lot of it is just in conversation, getting to know someone. 

Cate: Ultimately, we are making a lot of snap judgments based on a picture in like a very short profile. And the other thing is that I'm very photogenic, right? Like I know that I have a very photogenic person. So, my pictures look great, but in reality, I'm pretty much a gremlin all the time. And so, as you're navigating through this world of online dating, how do you get past those sort of snap judgments and get to that place of real, authentic communication and connection with the people that you're trying to reach out and communicate with? 

Shauna: One thing to say is I often encourage people to not have online dating be their only dating strategy. 

Cate: OK. OK.

Shauna: Because that gets rid of some of that. So, you should be trying to meet people in real life, too. The nice thing about offline dating is that it gives you a chance to go a little bit deeper than those snap judgments. It gets you to really know people and really figure out,  like maybe I had an initial read on them, but it wasn't accurate. I think you should practice going a different direction than what you haven't had success with. So, if you're a snap judgment person and you're not getting any dates, then you want to try to play the other side where, you know, you kind of lower the threshold a little bit and kind of talk to more people and see how that feels. 

If you go out with anyone who seems interesting and that feels overwhelming, then you wanna go the other way and maybe be a little more judgmental. I kind of encourage people to think about what you've tried, think about hasn't worked, and then you might wanna try the reverse. 

Cate: There's been a lot of conversation on dating apps about different ways that we find people. And so, some of those snap judgments can be based on personal choices, but sometimes they can also be based on like algorithmic choices. Who is the algorithm showing us? And I'm wondering if things like discrimination or stereotyping can affect the experience of online dating. 

Shauna: Absolutely, they can. I mean, it's been researched that certain groups have less success on the dating apps and probably have to get support around, like a different approach or even a more targeted app. I think the last thing I was looking at talked about like Asian men and Black women having more challenges than the general population. 

And so, it might mean you might need to tweak your approach, maybe be more targeted in who you're trying to talk to, or who's talking to you. You might need to write things that suggest that you're more open to the general population. Or if by the other side of it, you're an Asian man and you know that you want to date an Asian woman, then you might want to get on an app where there's a high population of Asian folks there. 

And there's all kinds of discrimination. There's discrimination based on size. Again, it might just be playing around with different apps. And I've noticed a difference in different apps. There's some apps where I have gotten more attention on those apps and it's very clear. I know like in the past some neurodivergent folks have found like OkCupid to be more helpful. So, it's just kind of staying aware of what are those niche apps where people who have your same characteristics are having success and are having lots of luck on the apps. 

Cate: It is one reason why I am obsessed with the concept of Farmers Only. I'm like, good job, guys. Yeah, go find yourself a farmer. 

Shauna: We're not having the best success on these mainstream apps. Let's do our own. And so, that's the thing. There's a lot of little niche apps. You should always test out like a big app and also a more niche app. 

Cate: Do you have suggestions for the ADHDer who is listening at home, going, "That sounds like a lot. I don't wanna have to create five different profiles on three different dating... I just wanna like, what do I do? I'm overwhelmed."

Shauna: Do what feels best for you, right? So, I know plenty of people who have found love on the dating apps, but as a therapist, and also just as a human, I know many people who have not. And if you feel like you're one of the people it doesn't work for, you can either get help, like from a dating coach, or you can hire a matchmaker that's gonna kind of cut out all of that, like having to check the apps constantly and kind of pay attention. 

You can do things like change your notifications, so that you're not getting notifications constantly. You can put things in your profile, like "I don't check this regularly. Shoot me an email if you want to connect," you can not use the dating apps if you don't like them. Or I often will encourage people to take a break. Some people get burnt out. 

Cate: That we get a lot here at "Sorry, I Missed This" is the topic of disclosure, telling people that you have ADHD or you are neurodivergent in some other way. And there are some people who strongly advocate for like telling them right off the bat. There are some who like to wait until like a more, you know each other a little bit better. Do you have thoughts on it? I have my own opinions, but I don't know, I'm just curious to see what yours are. 

Shauna: I have this thought across the board, and maybe it's because I'm a little bit private in some ways. It's a need-to-know basis. Like if you don't need to know, you don't need to know. I don't think there's anything wrong with putting it on your profile. But I think the hard part about doing that is you don't know what that means to a person. What are you trying to convey to them by putting that on your profile? I'm a fan of conveying symptoms to people. And so, you can say things like "Sometimes I'm slow about getting back to messages" or like "I get really excited about things," because that to me is more tangible for people to understand. 

Because if you meet one person with ADHD, you've met one person with ADHD. So, that label doesn't really tell anybody anything. And then once you feel comfortable, you can say like, "Yeah, ADHD is something I struggle with. I take meds or I go to therapy for this." The same thing you wouldn't necessarily put on your profile, like "I'm in therapy." 

Cate:  I honestly I would rather see that on a profile. Listen, I want to know if you're taking care of your muzzle up before I date you. 

Shauna:  It's true, but it's never there, and it's never there. People never lead with that. 

Cate: There should be like a box, like on every dating app that's just like, "Are you in therapy?" Like, yes, no. 

Shauna: That'd be a great box. 

Cate: Or like, "I don't believe in therapy," and then you can just like screen those people out. 

Shauna: I like that, because again, I feel like are you in therapy? What does that tell you? I mean, what are you in therapy for? Are you in there for personal growth? Are your treating a severe depression? Which actually brings up another point, is this goes beyond ADHD, but ADHD doesn't travel alone. It travels with multiple diagnoses. It travels with anxiety or depression, or trauma. So, I tell people be cautious about recommendations from people to jump on the dating app when you're feeling down or after a breakup. I feel like dating apps are full of wounded people for whom someone said, "Get back out there and go date someone new." 

I would say take a moment and get yourself together. Because the dating apps... 

Cate: Sorry, that got me right in the funnies. 

Shauna: They're a gauntlet. They're a gauntlet. And it's not, if you're depressed, there's a chance that the dating app will make you more depressed. Get out, meet new people, sure. Build connections, work on your depression, but getting back out there is not always like the best strategy. It can make you feel worse. 

Cate: I'm wondering, as we leave this episode, do you have any best practices across the board, online dating or not, for ADHDers looking to build meaningful relationships? 

Shauna: Yeah, if you're going to use the app, set boundaries with yourself, decide what feels like a good frequency. Do you want to check the apps every day? Do you wanna batch check it a couple of times a week and then stick to that? If you run into issues where you're feeling worse while you're doing online dating, I would either get off the app and or reach out to a therapist for support. Online dating can be a mirror of challenges that you're having within yourself and in building relationships. So, again, if you notice those things, if you notice you're ending up with the same types of guys, that might be a good sign or a good cue that you might need to take a break and get support. 

And it doesn't have to be a therapist. There's coaches, again, there's matchmakers. A lot of folks are out there, or just books, right? You can do some reading, learn some stuff, and then revisit your approach to dating. And then I think specifically for ADHD, just remember that you have a lot to offer. And that everybody has things that they're great at and things that they struggle with, and you just need one person that's right for you. 

So, I think it's really important to be authentic on the apps, too. Have pictures that look like how you look when you're not all dolled up, just everyday pictures of you. Like you can still have some of the dolled-up ones, but you know, just like a normal shot is nice. Find language to discuss your challenges with people. And really focus on safety. Who feels like a safe person to connect with? And I think that's when you can share. Alternatively, if you do share and a person makes you feel unsafe about having shared that identity, that's really good feedback. So, if you have it listed on your profile and someone has something really negative to say, you know, it's a sign that you might not be a good fit. 

So, yeah, and then I would say, again, get other people involved. Online dating isn't something that we should do in isolation. So, if you have an aunt, you know, let them look at your pictures or like run the profile through them. If you have a best friend or someone that like knows you well, you can do that. And then the thing, the advice I always give to guys is like, get somebody to take some pictures of you. I feel like women do better, you know, selfies or when you go to events, everyone's always like posing. I think guys just don't have those natural moments. 

Cate: Take a picture of your bro. Take bro photos, do it. Also, can I say the hottest take that I've ever said on this podcast, if you have a picture where you're holding a fish, don't, that's not, just take it off your dating profile. I don't care about your fish. Take it off. Take it off. 

Shauna: Unless it's working for you. Unless it's working for you. 

Cate: Unless it's working for you. Then use it, but like, I bet you have another picture of you where you are not holding a fish. 

Shauna: Yeah, and I would say that that's a great piece of advice to get cross gender advice. Because I think a lot of guys think pictures with fish or with their dogs, like it's, but I'm not dating your dog. 

Cate: Oh, see, I'm the opposite. I was like, "No, I want to see your dog. I don't even care about you. Do you have a cute dog? Cool, I will go on a date with you so I can meet your dog." 

Shauna: But I'm also not a dog person, so that's probably. 

Cate: OK. That's fair. That's fair. 

Shauna: But like if you're doing well and raking them in with the fish pic, you might find your lady that way. She might want to go fishing too. 

Cate: Again, like you don't want dogs, I want all the dogs. So, it's, this is gonna be like a person-to-person. It's just everybody's gonna have their own opinion. So, I think a lot of it also has to do with just trusting yourself, you know, and just being like "Hey, I really like my fish picture. Like I'm gonna keep it. Be authentic. Be yourself. 

Shauna: Yeah, yeah. And maybe all of them shouldn't be fish pictures. 

Cate: No. 

Thank you for listening. Anything mentioned in the episode will be linked in the show notes with more resources. Have a question, comment, burning story you'd like to share? Email us at sorryimissedthis@understood.org. 

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give. 

"Sorry, I Missed This" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli and Margie DeSantis. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Samiah Adams is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. For Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Cate Osborn. I'll see you next time. 

Cate: Like deep-sea fishing, for whatever reason, that seems really fun for me. I've always wanted to try that, but like river fishing, I grew up doing that. I'm bored of that.