Ask Me Anything: Your back-to-school questions answered

Back-to-school season can bring a mix of excitement and stress for parents and kids. From adjusting sleep schedules to managing new routines, there’s a lot to prepare.

In this episode, Julian Saavedra answers common questions parents have about getting their kids ready for the school year. Get his tips for how to ease first-day nerves and create calm morning routines. 

• Back-to-school support guide

• Back-to-school: A 4-week plan for a great start

• Back-to-school checklist: Everything but the books

(01:56) How to create smoother mornings for your child

(05:56) How to help your child manage first day of school anxiety

(15:47) How to help your child master homework  

We love hearing from our listeners! Email us at opportunitygap@understood.org.

Julian Saavedra: Back to school sounds exciting, but for a lot of families, it's actually overwhelming. The routines, the assignments, the pressure to start the year off right.

What is going on OG family? I am so, so, so hyped to be back. Welcome to season five of "The Opportunity Gap." Y'all heard that right. Season five. Five whole seasons.

"The Opportunity Gap" is a show where we talk about how to navigate the education system. I am your honored host, Julian. I'm an assistant principal with over 20 years of experience. We're starting the season off tackling a topic that's on everyone's mind this time of the year, back to school. I'm going to be answering the most common questions that families often ask me right before the school year kicks off. From sleep schedules, working with new teachers, and even supporting your child's learning.

But I will not be doing this alone. Our show's amazing producer, Tara. Yes, our amazing producer Tara, she is in the building. She is stepping out from behind the scenes to share the top questions families are asking.

Hey, Tara.

Tara Drinks: Hey, hey. It feels so different being on the other side of things.

Julian: A little bit, a little bit, but we're going to do fantastic and I'm really, really excited for this episode.

Tara: Me too. So back to school season is among us, and so families have some burning questions and who better to ask than you, Julian. So our first question here is how can I create smoother mornings and less stressful evenings?

Julian: How can I create smoother mornings and less stressful evenings? Uh, when I figure that one out, I probably won't be doing this job anymore, but I digress. There's a couple things that I would recommend. I am also a father of two. I have an 11-year-old son and a 10-year-old daughter, and so we are doing everything that our listeners are doing. We're in the mix as well.

One way that we really focus on, whether it's in school or at home, is creating routines and predictability. One thing that I highly advocate, especially for our babies with learning and thinking differences, is having routines or predictable things. So, something as simple as in the morning, everybody tries to wake up at the same amount of time, and making sure that when you do wake up, you give a little bit of time for your kids to slowly shift into the routine.

I see a lot of families who, and I've made the mistake myself, an alarm goes off or whatever alarm system you have to wake your kids up, it happens and you try to get them out of bed immediately. And they look at you with the side eye like, who is this person? Give me a second, right. Just like you would, give them some space, give them a couple of seconds.

Something that my wife does a lot of: say, "All right, we're going to give you five minutes between when the alarm went off and when we're going to come back in here," and give them the autonomy to get themselves up at their own pace. That really sets the mood right for them to get going. And then have a set routine, and the routine doesn't need to deviate.

And I know it's going to be hard initially when you get it started, but have the routine that if it's time-bound, where you have a timer or some incentive attached to it, it's really going to help the kids get used to being predictable, and they're going to hear that positive feedback because they're going to see themselves feeling like they're they're doing what they need to do. And Mom and Dad are going to be happy because they're getting things done.

The worst thing that you can do is let your stress take over and allow yourself to get upset or angry because again, you're starting their day off. And again, if it happens, don't feel like you're the worst parent in the world. It happens to all of us, me included. But try to find a way to keep yourself calm, create a routine, and allow that routine to dictate how your morning goes.

Now, the same can go for evenings. Finding a way to create a closing routine, whether it be ending your evening with a book, making sure that your kids have a little bit of autonomy to create the routine with you. I know that with the morning, it's a little bit more high stakes. With the evening, something you can really try out is have your kids figure out what routine is going to work for all of us.

What do you want to do at the end of the night that's going to help you get yourself calm? I know my kids love to read a little bit of time together, and then I know that my son has a whole bunch of blankets and he has a very specific series of blankets that he has to put on. One goes on, then the other goes on, then the other goes on. And it's his way of feeling secure, but it's also his way of closing out his day. For sure. So whatever you can do parents, whatever you can do to set a routine and have predictable behaviors to incentivize people following it, but also to celebrate when your kids are doing it well, and giving them a chance to, you know, have some agency in the creation of that routine, it's really going to help you.

Tara: That's great advice, Julian. I think that you might have mastered it. You might have mastered it.

Julian: I don't know, we'll see, we'll see.

Tara: All right, next question. The first day of school is here. How do I help my child deal with first day of school anxiety?

Julian: First day of school anxiety. I have to be honest, I was in a meeting with one of my superintendents, and he was describing how he's going to drop his daughter off to college. And in the process of him dropping his daughter off to college, he started getting anxiety, right? And this is a man who leads, you know, a large chunk of a school district and he still feels anxiety about the first day of school for his 18-year-old daughter. Imagine how the rest of us feel. Like the anxiety is there.

So the first thing that I would say is own up to it and embrace it. Anxiety is something that everybody experiences in one form or another, and you can either shy away from it, you can pretend it's not there, or you can embrace the fact that it's going to happen. Whatever way it expresses itself is how you then have to manage how that anxiety is going to really dictate your actions.

So, number one, how do you help yourself first? Right? I always advocate for our parents to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you try to help somebody else. And thinking about yourself, how are you feeling about the first day of school? Did you have positive experiences with your own first day of schools in your past educational experience? And are you projecting that onto your child?

If you're not, or if you are, depending on how it goes, you have to think about how that's going to impact your interaction with your babies. And so now that you've figured that out, let's think about how are they feeling going to school.

So I'm going to go back to the thing I said in the first question, what ways can you make it predictable? What ways can you make it into a routine so that you can preview what's going to happen to lessen some of that anxiety? When you feel like things aren't a surprise, then children feel a lot more safe. Like they feel like they can manage it because it's not going to be something that comes out of nowhere.

So thinking about talking through what's the day going to be like, and making sure that you highlight some of the fun experiences that are going to happen is really going to help your child work through it. So here's a couple things I suggest.

One, try to name some of the friends or the adults that are familiar that they're going to see on that first day. "Hey, it's been all summer long. You get to finally see your best friend that you haven't seen in a while. Make sure that you get up with them." Or, "Oh man, now you're so much bigger. Are you ready to go in there? You're going to be the person that is going to be in charge of school. How are you going to do that?" Or, "What playground equipment are you really excited to get on now that you haven't been there in a while?"

Try to find or highlight things that you know they love to do and hark back to that so that they have something to look forward to. And then I would also push you to have a conversation about some of the challenges that might come up. "Hey, you know, it might be a little hard this year because you're going into a new grade. That's okay." Or, "Hey, if you get a little upset or you feel nervous, I'm here. Let your teachers know, but it's okay to feel that way."

Validate whatever feelings they might have and know that they have a way to express those. And then I always try to say, let's have something really fun planned as a family after the first day of school is over, just because we want to celebrate. For sure. It's usually Dad's first day of school too, and it's really hard for me as a principal. So we always try to come back together as a family and we share what we did for our day, and then we go out and do something fun together because we're all kind of experiencing it together. So if you have an ability to do that, try to plan something really fun and engaging for after school is over so the kids can look forward to it.

Tara: Julian, next question. So, here on the OG, we focus a lot on kids with learning and thinking differences. And so if my child has ADHD or dyslexia, who do I share their diagnosis with?

Julian: That's a big one. It all depends on, you know, what your goal is in sharing this diagnosis. Okay. But my first recommendation would be to connect with the child's teacher. And usually if your child already has special education services, then the teacher and the special education manager at the school will be aware of that.

If they are not receiving services already and you're interested in receiving services or starting the process of evaluation to receive services, then you want to make sure that you either schedule a meeting or you put the request in writing. And it could be as simple as a written note or an email. I always advocate email because you can find it later. And just email your child's teacher with an official request.

Understood.org has a ton of resources for how to write that or even templates that you can use to make those requests. But you want to make sure that your child's teacher or teachers are the first group of people that you reach out to. And you also might want to look into connecting with your child's doctor if you have not done so already. It's always good for your child's pediatrician to be aware of any diagnosis or any learning and thinking challenges that your child is having because they're another great resource to make sure that they're supporting you in any way they can.

Tara: Great job. Very helpful. Next question we have, how can I make sure I'm starting the year off right with my child's teacher?

Julian: As a former teacher, I was a teacher for 14 years.

Tara: What subject?

Julian: I was a history teacher.

Tara: Oh.

Julian: So I was able to teach social studies and global studies and U.S. history, social science, political science, the whole gamut. I miss it. I miss the classroom. But the best way to get near and dear to my heart is bribery. Bribery, it works. Any sort of snacks. No, I'm just kidding.

How do I make sure that I start the year off right with my child's teacher? So one thing that I've noticed in the last few years is parents are they've been encouraged to inundate the teacher in the school with a lot of communication and a lot of upfront communication with the school before the teacher or the child's really gotten a chance to know each other.

And I would actually, I'm going to maybe switch it up from what other people might have said, and say, give the teacher a chance to get to know the child independently first. And why I say that is because when you send information or you try to reach out and give tips or suggestions about how to work with your child before the teacher's gotten a chance to know them on their own, then sometimes it colors the teacher's view of the child that's inauthentic.

And we always want to make sure that your child is getting a fresh start. So what I would say is at a very simple form, maybe send a really nice note or a quick email just introducing yourself. "Hi, my name is so-and-so. I am this child's parent. I'm really happy that my child has you as a teacher this year. Let me know if there's anything I can do to support your classroom."

Maybe list some of the ways that you might be able to support, whether you're willing to go in and help, whether you're willing to send some things in for supplies, just something like that. It goes a long way because it signals to the teacher, "This parent is involved, and this parent's interested, but this parent's also not trying to tell me how to do my job." And that's something that we want to make sure to strike that balance from the very beginning. For sure.

You know, I think that sometimes teachers are just given so much information up front, it gets overwhelming. And we want to make sure that we're allowing the teacher to really set that relationship from the beginning on their own and independently. And we want to be a support. We want to make sure that we're supporting what they're trying to do. So a great way to start the year off right is just introducing yourself, letting them know that you're there to support, ask what they need for some help, and then offer any support you can. Um, but making sure that the communication is going to be consistent as the year progresses is a really great practice.

Tara: I like that. I must say I didn't think of allowing the teacher and your child an opportunity to get to know one another by themselves without like a parent's influence. So I like that tip. When my time comes, I'm going to use that.

Julian: Okay.

Tara: Okay, next question. Homework. Homework is a big one. So the question is, how can I best support my child with their homework, but specifically, how much time before I lean in and want to help? Right? We want to give kids an opportunity to start the assignment, but when is a good time to know like, okay, after X amount of time, then parents, you can lean in and offer some support.

Julian: Right. Well, I'm going to say this parents, the idea of homework and the research around homework has changed pretty drastically since you were in school. And what we find is the benefits of homework, they've been widely debated a lot since you were in school. And a lot of recent studies have shown that the value of homework is not as high as it used to be. And the value of doing excessive homework, it doesn't show that it translates into really high academic success as it used to be.

Because there's a lot of debate around the importance of homework. And so what I would say is one, figure out what are the expectations for homework from the teacher from the beginning so that you can support that. And that goes along with starting that conversation with the teacher, not necessarily saying what you think it should be, but asking, "What is your expectation and what's appropriate for you? What is the purpose of this homework?"

And then from there, kind of gauge your child. If your child is feeling really good about it and they feel like this is something they have to do and they're really, you know, making sure that they're on top of it, then let them go and let them have that productive struggle. Okay. If your child is stressed out about homework, if your child is not looking forward to it, if your child is starting to show signs of anxiety, then that's when you need to step in and figure out what is the purpose of this work.

If it's a math problem and it's a series of 30 math problems and it's going to take them two hours to do it, well, you can cut it to five or six problems and say, "All right, we're done for tonight. Uh, don't worry about it. You practice. Let's check in with your teacher later."

And here's where I might blow your mind a little bit. Uh-uh. As a teacher, I'd much rather you work in front of me when I have you there to help you than when you're working at home by yourself and I can't connect with you. This is good. Because as teachers, we don't know what the situation is at home. True. We don't know what environment or what conditions might be happening when they're working. And so the validity of the data that I'm getting back from the homework might be very inconsistent.

Right? One kid might have a very different situation than another. For sure. And so, is that really helpful for me as a teacher? Whereas when you're right in front of me and you have the opportunity to ask me questions and get support and get feedback in the moment, I'm going to have a much better experience of helping you progress.

And so that's why I say parents, yes, homework is important, but it's not the end-all or be-all. It's more important for our children to be engaged in front of the teacher, in school, in class, and making sure that they're setting up routines to support that success. And so if homework starts to become a stressful thing, that's when you can connect with the teacher, see how you can support them and their expectations, but also be really clear about what's the main thing. And the main thing is making sure your child has a positive experience in school, not a bunch of homework at home when it's not really helping them as much as it could.

Tara: For sure. My last question, I'm going to put you on the spot. You know here in the OG, we love a Julian gem.

Julian: Yes, yes, yes.

Tara: Does Julian have a gem about back to school? Do you have some words of advice for both parent and child?

Julian: Yes. I do have a little bit of a gem. One, for our parents, trust the process. I know that that's a phrase that's played out a little bit, especially in Philly. It is played out a little bit. But trust the process. You know, our children, they have to learn, they have to struggle a little bit, and they have to engage in challenges. And back to school is a challenge for a lot of our kids, but it's a necessary challenge for them to learn how to navigate difficult situations.

So let the process happen, give your trust in the school, in the teachers. They've been doing this a long time. And guess what? Your child's going to be okay. They're going to be safe, they're going to be happy. They're going to find some things that are difficult and some things that are easy, but we want them to have those experiences because that's the only way that they grow.

And for our children, if you're listening, get excited about school. It's a fun time. School is a place where you should be excited to go back to, but it's also a job. And don't forget that school's really important. It's your way to learn and prepare and to grow. So when you're at school and you're there and your first day and you get to see all your friends and hang out, don't forget to ask lots of questions. Don't forget to be yourself, and don't forget to just enjoy it. It's there for you. We exist for you. So have fun.

Tara: We love a Julian gem.

Julian: Thank you. Those are all the questions.

Tara: I feel like I should now thank you for allowing me to come on "The Opportunity Gap." Thank you so much.

Julian: Oh, well thank you. I mean, thank you so much to our listeners and to my amazing producer Tara. You did great tonight. Thank you for all the great questions. We got to do this more often. Thanks so much for listening today. We love hearing from our listeners, so if you have any thoughts about today's episode, you can email us at opportunitygap@understood.org.

And be sure to check out the show notes for links and resources to anything we mentioned in the episode. This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"The Opportunity Gap" is produced by Tara Drinks and Cody Nelson. Video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Nico Rothenberg.

Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson.