Parent-teacher conference tips: What to say and ask

Ever leave a parent-teacher conference feeling more confused than informed? Dr. Andy Kahn joins us to help you prepare and make the most of these important conversations.

For many parents, these meetings can feel like a quick whirlwind, leaving unanswered questions. In this episode, you’ll discover:

• How to set clear, focused goals before your meeting

• Strategies for making the most of limited time with your child’s teacher

• How Understood’s new resource, Through My Eyes, offers valuable insight into your child’s learning experience

Experience how it feels to learn differently. Step into real-life simulations of kids with ADHD, dyslexia, and dyscalculia with Through My Eyes by Understood.org. 

Related resources

• Parent-teacher conferences: How to get ready for your next meeting

• What to do after a parent-teacher conference

Timestamps

(00:00) Intro

(01:23) Goals parents should have for the parent-teacher conference

(05:47) How to raise concerns with your child’s teacher

(09:00) Ways parents can make the most of their conference

(11:56) What is “Through My Eyes”?

We love hearing from our listeners! Email us at opportunitygap@understood.org.

Episode transcript

(00:00) Intro

Dr. Andy Kahn: The most important part of a good parent-teacher conference is building that relationship. It's showing that teacher, "Hey, I'm here and I want to collaborate with you."

Julian Saavedra: That's Understood.org expert Dr. Andy Kahn. He's a licensed psychologist with over 20 years of experience. He's here to help us best prepare for parent-teacher conferences. By the end of this episode, you'll learn how to make the most of those 15 minutes.

Dr. Andy: When you get to the end of that conference and you go, "Wow, time just got away from us." Having your list prioritized and prepared before you go into the room is goal one.

Julian: We'll also hear about an exciting new and free resource Understood has developed, "Through My Eyes." It's an interactive simulation from Understood that helps you see school from a child's point of view. Welcome to "The Opportunity Gap," a show where we talk about how to navigate the education system. I'm your host, Julian, an assistant principal with over 20 years of experience. Dr. Andy Kahn is in the building, everybody. Andy, I'm so happy you're back.

Dr. Andy: Thank you, Julian. It's so good to be here.

(01:23) Goals parents should have for the parent-teacher conference

Julian: So a lot of us walk into conferences hoping for some praise, bracing for criticism, or walking out with next steps. But what should we really be walking in with? What are some concrete goals a parent or parenting adult should have going into the meeting?

Dr. Andy: It's a little hard to be concrete because there's so much emotion that comes into this for parents. You're coming into this setting for the first time, assuming you don't know this teacher, and there can be a lot of emotion tied up in this. I would say that the most important thing to do to get concrete is to have a plan in advance.

I think the one thing that people don't often think about is that the most important part of a good parent-teacher conference is building that relationship. It's showing that teacher, "Hey, I'm here, I'm paying attention, I'm available, and I want to collaborate with you." And if you can make the outcome of that meeting, meeting that goal specifically, everything that comes afterwards is going to be gold.

Julian: Yeah, and I love that you highlight the idea of building a relationship. Relationships take work. They're not something that happens overnight. And usually the parent-teacher conference is one of the first touchpoints you have with the family and with the teacher.

Dr. Andy: You know, I think one thing, Julian, that that also can be helpful, if you're a little bit nervous about how it's going to go, it's always okay to send an initial email saying, "Hey, can we set an agenda?" You know, "Can we talk about what we're going to talk about in advance so that you come in with expectations that are more reality-based?"

Julian: So let's say a teacher doesn't seem to really see your child. How can a parent respond constructively if you feel like they're not really seeing who that child is?

Dr. Andy: Yeah. I think, you know, some of the best ways to sort of surface that issue, because it can be really sensitive. You know, I think the first thing I'll often share with a teacher, particularly when I'm concerned about what I'm seeing or not seeing, is expressing curiosity. You know, I could say, "You know, I'm really curious. My child has expressed to me that when they're in the class, for example, they're not feeling like they're getting called on, or there's something that they need and they're finding it's hard to get what they're after. Can you talk to me a little about like how that feels for you in the classroom? What are you noticing about it?"

And then from there, giving them some cues on really how to best see your child. You know, for some parents saying something as simple as, "You know, when my kid’s confused, they may be more likely to take bathroom breaks, or they might get fidgety, or my child might start having a conversation with a neighbor," the kind of things that may not really be easily noticed when someone doesn't really have a great sense for your child.

So I think in those situations, you know, surfacing that in a curious way and saying, "You know, let me, I want to know how I can help you really better see what's going on with my child. And what might my child do that'll help get your attention in a way if they need something? Are there certain strategies that you prefer?" I think for some teachers, you know, the standard is, "Well, they could raise their hand." Well, I was an anxious kid, so that was not part of my big repertoire.

You know, I had a little thing that I would use in a lot of my classrooms where I had a little help card, and I would give it to my anxious kids and they'd put it on the corner of their desk.

Julian: Okay.

Dr. Andy: And nobody else could see it. You know, and in certain situations, if we were seeing that a teacher was struggling to see them or the kid was feeling singled out, we created a boatload of them, gave them to everybody. And the kids who raised their hands still raised their hands. But the ones who were a little bit more nervous would move those cards around. A little touch of that UDL side of, you know, what helps certain kids with differences probably is going to help everybody.

So I think those kinds of things can be really helpful to give the teacher sort of the gateway to see your child, but also asking about what they like for their techniques. You know, the teacher's the artist in that room sometimes and you want to say, "What is it that you're going to bring that maybe I can teach my child about?" and then vice versa. I think that creates a really nice opportunity to talk about, again, collaborative problem solving.

(05:47) How to raise concerns with your child’s teacher

Julian: Right. So we're making it clear that there are certain expectations that everybody should be adhering to. And so I love that you're talking about making that clarity for our families, that it's okay to address things that you notice. And it's okay to unpack your own biases.

Dr. Andy: Absolutely.

Julian: Right? I know as a Black male teacher myself and a Black former student, I've had a number of my own experiences with teachers that don't share my own culture. And as a student, I bring that with me, my residual experiences that I have when I interact with other people. And so many of my families that I deal with now, they have that experience that they had themselves that they're bringing to the table when they're meeting the teachers of their children. And so I always encourage anybody, know yourself and know what are your own triggers, what are your own experiences? How are they going to inform how you're going to interact with somebody? But make it clear, like ultimately, assume positive intent.

Dr. Andy: Yeah.

Julian: Let me ask you, what should families do if they feel there wasn't enough time to address the things they really wanted to discuss during the conference?

Dr. Andy: That's a great question. And I think we echoed this a little bit in the start. In terms of your preparation, having your list prioritized and prepared before you go into the room is goal one. And that allows you to not lose track of at least the things you want to get answers to.

And finally, when you get to the end of that conference and you go, "Wow, time just got away from us." And hopefully in a good way, hopefully you're connecting and that relationship building in the room is going to bear lots of fruit. So the thing that I will commonly say is, "Okay, I know we're at time, couple of quick things. What is my best way to maintain contact with you between our meetings? Okay, do you prefer telephone, email, text, what have you? What platform do you prefer?"

"Okay, I've got some questions that I haven't answered. Is it okay with you if I send these to you and then you can, when you get a little time, give me some of that information at your own sort of pace."

Julian: Right.

Dr. Andy: Getting permission for setting that frame. And also asking like, what works best for them? Not all teachers are going to have the same way to come to get information. Some are going to love email because it's on their own time, whenever they choose it, they can open it and close it. Phone calls require shared time and attention, and that's become a much harder thing for people to do.

But I think setting that frame is really important and then setting the parameter. And as a parent, one of the things I learned to do from being on the other side of this is I would make sort of a verbal contract with my teacher. You know, "If you're giving me access to you via email, I promise you that I will try to keep my questions focused. I will try not to write a novel to you whenever I have a concern. And I will try to give you grace and time to reply."

Julian: Right.

Dr. Andy: And then I'll ask the sneaky question, "Is there a time of day that's best for you to receive emails that I'm likely to hear back from you quickly?" You know, when I was in schools, I had a cadence, right? I had, I checked right before school, I checked at lunchtime, and I checked right before I shut down for the day. But I had my, my boundary was I'm not going to do this overnight. And when a parent gets home, sends that email off at 6:30 at night after work, and then they don't hear back first thing in the morning, you know, knowing how a teacher, how they interact, can do a lot of benefit to a parent to know, "Oh, wait a second. I know they're going to see this in the morning. I've got to take some breaths. I got to just let myself have expectations that are fair to someone who is maybe working with 25 kids, not just mine."

(11:56) What is “Through My Eyes”?

Julian Saavedra: Right. I would also add to that, make sure that you shower some praise on the teacher. It goes a long way as much as we don't think it does. It goes a long way. So for parents and parenting adults of children with learning disabilities, so often we find ourselves navigating a world where we're not even prepared for ourselves. If you didn't experience that on your own, it's hard to understand what they're experiencing. It's challenging to advocate for what you don't understand yourself. And that's where "Through My Eyes" comes into play. So Andy, can you tell us a little bit about what "Through My Eyes" is?

Dr. Andy Kahn: Sure. "Through My Eyes" is at its core, a free immersive digital experience on Understood.org. And it's designed to provide sort of this look into a child's life who is experiencing living with a learning and thinking difference, like ADHD, dyslexia, or dyscalculia.

A lot of what makes this so magical to us is that it is taking the real stories and experiences of our kids and their families and using this platform to share this to improve understanding, to give people who maybe don't have that same experience the opportunity to learn about what goes on with our kids, what's their day-to-day life like at school and at home and daily activities.

And the cool thing about it is there's a couple of ways that the platform works. We have an array of digital, gamified simulations. These are runner games like kids would play on their regular computer or on their handheld device, where kids are actually able to do some of the day-to-day activities with other kids who have ADHD or dyslexia or dyscalculia. They get to see the frustrations, get to see how this might play out for those individual kids.

There's also some really awesome video that families and kids have shared with us that describe what it's like to live with these differences.

Julian: Right.

Dr. Andy: And the thing that I think is really great, and this comes from our work together, Julian, is that having experts who work together to create resources that can be shared with parents, teachers, and kids themselves, that gives them an opportunity to learn more about their differences so that as we have more understanding, I think what we've been saying is, you know, once you start to see differently, you can start to act differently.

Julian: Right.

Dr. Andy: And I think that's the most powerful part about this.

Julian: I can't say enough about how much a joy it's been to be part of this experience. I just keep thinking about how enlightening it is for anybody that goes through it, especially even from myself, you know, somebody who's been in the education world for a long time, going through the simulations and really hearing from the kids themselves. What do you think parents are going to discover when they step into the "Through My Eyes" videos and simulations?

Dr. Andy: I think one of the pieces of this that is so crucial is that, you know, on the surface, the idea that you're seeing videos and simulations about kids, by kids, about their daily lives is one piece of this. But underneath the hood is the source of this huge collaboration. "Through My Eyes" was created with people like yourself, educational leaders, educators, psychologists, parents, and kids to create a view that is not only realistic and reflective of what we see in the real world, but also reflects the ways that we can best communicate that information in a way that people are going to learn and understand from it.

The key here with understanding how parents discover through "Through My Eyes" is by creation of these videos. Now, why do we do this? One in five kids in our classrooms have a learning and thinking difference. But in spite of how many kids have these differences, the challenge that we notice, particularly those of us who've worked in schools or have kids with differences, is that most of the differences these kids have aren't easily visible to other people.

So I'll give you an example. You've got a kid who has dyslexia and they're struggling to decode words on a page. Now, what is it that you're going to see from these kids? That's not something that you're going to see with your eyes just looking at them in their chair. You might see a kid who's wiggling around, getting out of their chair and visiting neighbors, or getting agitated and deciding they can't stay in the room and they're leaving.

Those are the external visible things we see. The under-the-hood stuff that we don't is part of what we really focus on showing people through "Through My Eyes" as the videos and simulations really talk about kids narrating their own lives and showing how they spend their energy.

Parents are going to be more effective and feel more ability to manage what's going on with their kids because as they develop the empathy and understanding of their kids, they can start to consider their behavior differently. And I think as someone who sat in a classroom for many years and someone who's worked with kids, supporting someone requires having the right approach. So if you're seeing a behavior in a classroom that looks like naughtiness or defiance, you're going to approach that child with a mindset that says, "I've got to correct this. I've got to punish this or do something negative."

When in actuality, "Through My Eyes" will show you that for a lot of these kids, they're not knowing what to do. They don't know how to approach and attack something that feels beyond their capacity at that moment. And this is about connecting information, empathy, and having plans and approaches for kids that can help them not only navigate their day-to-day lives, but to learn to thrive. And I think that so much of this, as you emphasized, kids telling their own stories, sharing their own experiences, both their really joyous moments and their really challenging, terrible moments.

Julian: We just talked a lot about parent-teacher conferences, right, and the preparation that goes into being a strong participant in these conferences. I'm wondering after experiencing "Through My Eyes" as a simulation and now, you know, ideally, you come away with a deeper understanding of the challenges that the child is experiencing, does that impact the tone of the parent-teacher conference? Have you seen any differences in people who have experienced this programming?

Dr. Andy: You know, it's really early, Julian. We really just brought this out to the real world. But what I can say to you is that we absolutely are seeing through our initial sharing of this with families and kids, that their understanding of their experiences is significantly different. We're seeing that parents are looking at their kids and going, "Wow, I wasn't entirely sure that what I was seeing was accurate, and now I know that my kid is going through something that I really have to approach differently."

One of the things that is particularly helpful is that, you know, when a teacher is first meeting a child, they may have seen the 504 or the IEP that proceeds the child into that room. And I think plans are great for helping us know what the accommodations and modifications and alterations to a child's program are going to look like. But it doesn't really tell you who the child is.

Julian: Right.

Dr. Andy: And I think "Through My Eyes" is about giving you a lens on who this child is, how they present, and what things that you need to be curious about to help your child be successful. Your child being your student, or your child being the parent and bringing that to the parent-teacher conference.

The cool thing about it is, you know, this is a free thing. We're not going to ask you for your email address. We're not going to ask you to log in and create an account. This is something that if you go to u.org/throughmyeyes, you're there and you can get access to everything that's been created. So I think it's really powerful for parents and teachers to have access and not feel that they're being told how to access and navigate the resources that are there for them.

Julian: One last time, can you share exactly where our listeners and viewers can access "Through My Eyes"?

Dr. Andy: Absolutely. Go to u.org/throughmyeyes.

Julian: Okay, listeners, you heard it first. Dr. Andy Kahn in the building, u.org/throughmyeyes. Check it out. Thank you so much, OG family. We'll see you when we see you.

Thanks so much for listening today. We love hearing from our listeners, so if you have any thoughts about today's episode, you can email us at opportunitygap@understood.org.

And be sure to check out the show notes for links and resources to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"The Opportunity Gap" is produced by Tara Drinks and Cody Nelson. Video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Nico Rothenberg.

Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson.

Thanks again for listening.