What to do when parent-teacher relationships go wrong

Sometimes parent-teacher relationships don’t go as smoothly as we hope. And when conflicts happen, it can make school harder for both students and adults. In this episode, Julian shares practical advice for dealing with parent-teacher tension. Learn how to fix misunderstandings and rebuild trust to help create a more positive connection.

Related resources

• Families of color and communicating with teachers

• 7 tips for building a good relationship with your child’s teacher

• Why and how to partner with your child’s teacher

• Race and Ethnicity of Public School Teachers and Their Students

Timestamps

(00:00) Intro

(00:55) Why parent-teacher dynamics are hard

(03:44) How race influences these relationships

(06:40) Julian’s tips for working with your child’s teacher

Episode transcript

(00:00) Intro

Julian Saavedra: If you clicked on this video, you're probably frustrated with your child's teacher. Maybe the communication feels tense, maybe you don't feel heard, or maybe you just don't like them. And the truth is, that tension can take a real toll on your child's education.

Welcome to "The Opportunity Gap," a show where we talk about how to navigate the education system. I'm Julian, your host, an assistant principal with over 20 years of experience. Today, we'll talk about when parent teacher conflict happens. How to support your child when communication feels really hard, and I'm going to give you some strategies for how you can get things back on track.

I've been in education a long time, and I'll be the first to say it happens all the time, a lot more often than you think. The parent teacher relationship, it can be really difficult.

(00:55) Why parent-teacher dynamics are hard

Julian: I mean, there's a lot of reasons for why that friction might happen. Number one, there can be a big difference in communication styles. Some teachers really prefer email. Some parents prefer text. Some teachers like to call every day. Some parents like to speak face to face. And when those communication styles don't line up, tensions can arise.

Sometimes there's expectations that don't line up. I know that as a parent, I have really high expectations for teachers, and when those expectations aren't met, or I'm not experiencing what my child or at least what I think my child should be getting, I might feel some certain type of way. I have to say it, but sometimes implicit or explicit bias creeps in and the relationship is thrown off.

And ultimately, one of the biggest reasons for miscommunication is that there's misunderstanding about the child. And sometimes those misunderstandings are on the family's part. Sometimes those misunderstandings are on the teacher's part. So the first thing I would say is that teachers are humans too. They are stressed out, they are overworked, and underpaid. And in some cases, they don't have all the tools to support what they need to be doing for your child.

You know, education is vastly different than it was when you and I were going to school. The funding has really made an impact. The stress of trying to meet all the expectations of what schools are asking teachers to do. The advent of technology has really made things change a lot. Children have a lot of other stimuli coming at them, and so they're a lot more challenging to work with sometimes.

And the experience level of our teachers is very different. And we find that in many cases, there is a cultural difference between our teachers and our students, especially students of color. We just know factually that less than 3% of teachers in the United States of America identify as black males. We also know that a large proportion of our inner city schools have black male students. So when we're thinking about students not having teachers who share their same cultural background, in many cases, that can lead to a disconnect. That can lead to differences, that can lead to a struggle with communication.

And so when we're thinking about our students that are struggling the most, if they're not sharing the same background with some of their teachers, sometimes that can lead to issues. And in many cases, some of those issues are leading directly to some of the biases that our teachers may be experiencing. And in some cases, it also might be that the biases that our parents are experiencing.

And so we have to figure out how can we unpack, how can we figure out how those differences are playing out.

[Music]

(03:44) How race influences these relationships

Julian: There's a big elephant in the room when we talk about race and culture in school. Sometimes we don't talk about it as much, but we just have to be direct. There are perceptions that shape reality. And so if I am a student that is of a certain race, my perception of other races might be different. If I'm a teacher of a certain race, my perception of those same races might be very different based on my cultural background. And that perception impacts the way that I interact with my students or my teacher.

And so we think about how can we start to unpack some of these tensions, we have to be honest with ourselves. We have to be honest with the experience that so many of our families have had in their own school experience, but also being honest with what is our background? What baggage are we bringing to the work?

Now, I want to talk specifically about race and ethnicity and culture and how that is a major component of the school experience. Here's a hard truth: Countless families of color walk into schools and they already carry the burden and the weight of past harm.

I'll give you an example. My grandmother was a New York City student and she went to school in the 30s and 40s. When she described her experience in schools, it was an experience where she loved learning, but she never felt welcome.

And then when I think about the parents that I work with now, here in Philadelphia, so many of them talk to me about how the schools have failed them, how they were in schools that were unsafe, they were in schools with teachers that didn't push them to their potential. And it's hard for them to trust that school is different now than it was when they were going to school.

So what do you do with that? You have people that are coming by and large, people of color, whether it's my grandmother, whether it's students that I work with, and they're coming to school and they already have these things in the back of their head that school's not a place for me. And when I say me, I mean who I am. School doesn't accept who I am. That's a hard thing to work with. That's hard on our teachers, and that's hard on our families.

So if you're thinking about that, it's really about rebuilding trust within the school systems and with the school interaction. Did you have an experience in school where your trust has been lost? Did you have a teacher that looks like one of the teachers that your child is struggling with right now? Did you have an experience or did somebody in your family have an experience that wasn't so great? And is that what you bring to the table now?

(06:40) Julian’s tips for working with your child’s teacher

Julian: All right. So I said a lot about that side of things, but let's talk real. If I'm listening to this, if I'm watching this, I want to know, all right, Julian, I'm really frustrated. This teacher that I'm dealing with, I don't know what to do, and I don't want to snap, so I'm just being quiet. Well, I'm here to tell you, as an administrator, but also as your favorite podcast host, don't do that. Silence doesn't help. It doesn't help anybody. It doesn't help your child, it doesn't help you, it doesn't help the teacher.

But also, if you go into the classroom and raise hell when you go into the school, that also doesn't help either. There's a third way to do it. And let me tell you how it actually works. Document, document, document. Make sure that you know what your concerns are and be really specific about those concerns.

For example, if your baby comes home and says, "Mom, this teacher keeps calling on me and every time she calls on me, she says I say it wrong and then I get in trouble. And I don't understand why this keeps happening. I'm really trying and I'm just not getting any help. I feel like I'm lost. She keeps calling me out in front of these other kids and I don't know what to do." Pause for a second. Ask your child to describe it again. When you ask your child to describe a situation twice, it forces them to clarify what are the specific concerns and what actually happened. So ask them two times. "Tell me that again. What actually happened? Describe it for me."

And as they're describing what's happening, write down what they're telling you. Then see if there's a pattern. Then, after you review that information, what do you want the outcome to be before you even walk in the door or you send the email or send the text or make the phone call to the teacher? What is your goal? What do you want changed?

And be specific. "I would like you to work on supporting my child in speaking in class. I would like you to give my child redirection in a quiet and calm manner," or, "Please do not redirect my child in front of the rest of the class," or whatever you decide is the goal, be really specific. That's going to really help. There's other ways that you can approach this.

You can ask questions. I always tell people: assume positive intent. That means that before you have any interaction with the school, no matter how upset you might feel in the moment, assume positive intent. People chose to be teachers because they want to help kids.

So instead of going in with specific accusations, try to ask questions. "Can you explain to me how this was going on in your class? Can you explain what happened with this situation?" So when you're asking questions, it opens up the teacher to not feeling like they have to get defensive. You're being curious. You're asking, "Tell me more about this situation."

And nine times out of 10, when the questions start happening and they start getting answered, you're going to find out that the story is a little bit bigger than what you're hearing from your child. And that may be the entrance to having a much more conducive relationship with each other.

Here's the other thing I would recommend: Use your parent network. We all have one. We all know somebody that is working in the schools. We all know somebody that has some sort of connection with schools. And at the very least, hopefully you've developed a relationship with somebody that has kids in the same school that your kids are in.

Ask parents about their experience with that teacher. My wife is fantastic at this. She knows all the different moms and dads, and I do too, but she's very, very good about checking in with moms. There's one mom that her kids are a little bit older than mine, and every single teacher this one mom has told us about, we've recommended and asked for that teacher for our kids. And she's batting 10 for 10. Every single teacher that she's recommended has been excellent. There's a parent out there that I'm sure you're friendly with, or maybe if you haven't made a friend with another parent, try that first. But once you make a friend with a parent, ask them, "Maybe you can help me with this situation. Tell me what's going on."

Or even beyond that, is there another staff member that you can trust? And that goes all the way down from the principal all the way up to our custodial staff, the lunch people, anybody in the school that you might know. Explain what your concerns are and ask them, "Hey, what do you think I should do for this situation?" Don't do this by yourself.

Third, you've tried all these things and now you're at a point where you feel like you have to escalate the situation. What do I do? Reach out to the administrator and explain, again, the same process you did with the teacher. "I had this meeting at this time, these are my concerns. I need support."

Now what happens if that doesn't work? Some schools even have something called an equity coordinator. And in those situations, if you feel like this is a racial component to the concerns you have, reach out to them. Ask the school, "Who is in charge of equity at the school? I'd like to talk to them."

And the biggest one, and I say this all the time with my own students: Go slow to go fast. And what does that mean? Go slow and be deliberate so that you can get the results you want. And so you might have an initial meeting and it might not be the result that you're looking for. It's not necessarily about winning the argument or getting over on the principal or getting over on the teacher. It's about your child. All of this is at your child's focus. You want to be keeping your child at the center of what you're doing. It's not about us, it's about them.

Thanks so much for listening today. We love hearing from our listeners, so if you have any thoughts about today's episode, you can email us at opportunitygap@understood.org.

And be sure to check out the show notes for links and resources to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"The Opportunity Gap" is produced by Tara Drinks and Cody Nelson. Video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Nico Rothenberg.

Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson.

Thanks again for listening.