Something felt off: ADHD, depression, and slow processing speed (Matt Klein’s story)

Matt Klein thought he was dealing with depression. After a job change and the arrival of a new baby, he found himself in a fog. Listless. Unmotivated. And vaguely “off.” He just didn’t want to do anything. His wife noticed the shift, too. But the depression diagnosis never fully explained it. It wasn’t until he was evaluated as an adult that inattentive ADHD and slow processing speed brought his story into focus.

Matt, a software engineer, shares a story about a door that hung slightly askew — and how intensely it bothered him. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. That crooked door became a metaphor for his experience with undiagnosed ADHD: the mental friction, the fixation, the sense that something was out of alignment. 

• Read: What is slow processing speed?

• Listen: ADHD and emotions in men (Marc’s story)

Matt Klein: I don't like things. I rotate them in my brain like a rotisserie chicken for months until my skull catches fire. I read that and I was like, "Yep, that is totally me."

Laura Key: Hi, everyone, and welcome back to "ADHD Aha", the show where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. Sometimes an ADHD diagnosis in adulthood isn't just a new chapter in our lives — it's a rewrite of the stories we used to tell ourselves.

My guest today, Matt Klein, is a software engineer in Iowa and a listener who wrote in. Matt's ADHD diagnosis surprised him. At the same time, it was an opportunity to rewrite a story that never quite fit. Matt, welcome to the show. I'm so happy to have you here today.

Matt: Thank you for having me. I'm like, oh, it's kind of surreal actually being on the show. So, I'm happy to be here.

Laura: I thought we could start with something that your wife said to you before you got evaluated for ADHD, which, if I remember correctly, was something like, "You got to get your crap together."

Matt: Well, sort of, because I asked my wife about it a little more. She's like, "Well, it wasn't really that." She's like, "Just, you know, you were kind of off and having a rough time." I was kind of nearing the end of my career at my previous job. I worked at IBM for 11 years at that point.

And a lot of transition — you know, new job, new city. We did have my son at that time and he was just maybe seven months old. And I just knew that like something was off and I couldn't put my finger on it. There was something below the surface and I'd felt that for a long time. I just figured it was depression because that's what I was diagnosed with when I was like 18, 19.

Laura: Describe this feeling of off. What was different from what you had felt before?

Matt: Instead of like, I guess, general sadness, it was just, I did not want to do anything. I didn't care. Things I liked to do, like, just weren't appealing to me. Like, I've always had good work ethic and it just wasn't there.

And I was like, this is new, this is weird. I usually enjoy my work and things were going well — you know, from every, I guess, stat you could look at. We were making decent money, we had a comfortable house, our kids were doing fine. Like, everything was good. It was just something off.

Laura: And then your wife points this out to you. Like, were you as conscious of this before she said something to you?

Matt: I think it was just after multiple conversations of me kind of, I guess, complaining about it. She's kind of more the person of, "Well, you can complain about it or what are you going to do about it?" And so she pushed me to do that. And I was like, "Yeah, I've done therapy before and I feel good for a little while and then I'm just back to kind of where I was."

Laura: So did you go back to therapy?

Matt: I did.

Laura: How did that go?

Matt: It went well. And I think what was different this time is that I took a little more time to dig into things instead of just vent and like feel better temporarily and be like, "Okay, I'm fine."

03:52 A pattern of hyper-fixation that suggests an ADHD diagnosis.

Matt: And for some odd reason, I kept on talking about our back door. I was replacing it because our old one had rotted. And I had gone through — like, you know — watched like 30 different YouTube videos just on how to install a door. You know, watching it and watching it over again and then picking out what I liked and then kind of came up with how I wanted to do it.

And of course, it had to be perfect. And I got it done, but then there was something that was just a little off plane. And the door functioned — it closed, it didn't leak — but it wasn't perfect. Had I done it before? No. This was my first time, but of course it had to be perfect.

And she just dug into that. We kept talking about it and talking about it. And finally she's just like, "I'm going to be frank with you. Has anybody ever mentioned to you or suggested that you may have ADHD?" I was just like completely caught off guard. I'm like, "What? Um, no."

Laura: I hear so many themes in there. I hear your the actual fixing of the door, the process of doing all the researching and hyper-focusing, hyper-fixating on every single thing, getting really excited about, you know, doing this project, right? And then the perfectionism, as you mentioned, of it just not fitting quite right. I also then, Matt, I hear — and forgive me for like going a little out there — I also hear a metaphor for yourself in a way. You're like, it functions well, it's not leaking, it's — it works, it's a functioning door, but something just feels off. It's just a little bit off plane.

Matt: Yeah.

Laura: What do you think it was about the door story? Did the therapist go into that? How did she connect that to ADHD?

Matt: I guess she just more or less took kind of like the sum of my stories. Things that I struggle with and we just kind of came up with, I guess, themes of like core things that I wanted to work on. And like so many of them just all came down to perfectionism and kind of low self-esteem.

That was something that I just I'd always struggled with. Like when I went through those questions, I even told the evaluator, I was like, "Yeah, like a lot of it made sense, but those ones like about, you know, self-confidence and self-esteem, like those really stuck like in my mind."

Laura: Tell me more about that and then how you're feeling now.

Matt: It kind of started like late grade school into middle school, where more of your classes are like you're going to different rooms. You're having to keep track of stuff. All the executive function things that tie in. And I just — I couldn't keep up.

It didn't matter if it was academics or sports. I just remember hearing it all the time. "Your technique is good. You're doing everything right. It's just all in your head. Stop thinking and just do." And I was like, "Yeah, I'd like to do that if I could."

I did wrestling, and so I'd go in for a takedown and I execute it perfectly and then I would just like freeze for that split second. I was like, "Oh, that was really good." I'm like, "Wait, what do I do next?" But in that split second, I lost my advantage because I just was thinking too much — like I couldn't just do.

Laura: Wow, that's really interesting.

Matt: My, you know, diagnosis where I was like, "Oh my gosh, I'm learning all these new things." It was like the puzzle pieces finally fit and it just reminds me of the movie "The Usual Suspects" and it's like — oh my god — that's what it felt like. I was like, "Now when I started look back over my life, like so many things made sense."

Laura: First of all, "The Usual Suspects", one of my favorite movies of all time. Walk me through that — that little montage in your head then of the things that you didn't catch before and now you're like, "Oh, that was my ADHD."

Matt: Yeah, I think one of the biggest moments that I look back on is when I actually first started IBM. It was like my first, you know, big boy job right out of college. And they put me in a role that I now know was like the worst role you could put me in.

And it was essentially like a project manager type role and I was like six months into the job. Like, I'm a details person. I can't just look at it and be like, "Okay, that's good enough. We'll make decisions based on the information we have and if it's wrong, so be it."

I'm like, "Yeah, I don't work that way." And so I just — I couldn't make decisions. You know, I got feedback to be like, "Yeah, he does good work but he just takes too long to do something." Like I was just like freaking out because I had a crap ton of student loan debt.

At the time I thought it was just like a major depressive episode because like I got really down and to the point where it was like a struggle to get out of bed. And looking back on it now I'm like, I am pretty sure that was more so just burnout and almost like a panic attack in a way.

And I just — I didn't know what it was. All I knew is it felt terrible and I never wanted to feel that again. So thankfully, a manager noticed like something about me, I guess, and moved me into a different role, which was way better for me because it allowed me to dive into the details. So, you know, that was good because I thought I just sucked. I was like, "Yeah, you couldn't hack it."

Laura: Oh yeah. That project manager role for, you know, brand new at a job, you already feeling the pressure to perform, you have undiagnosed ADHD, and you're a perfectionist — what could go wrong?

I was glimpsing at the email that — that you wrote, but I want to read a — a section that I thought was interesting. "I had always felt like my brain was the equivalent of the old three and a half inch floppy disk drives, that you can hear the whirring and buzzing sounds as you wait for it to read the content and load it on the computer screen. I had no idea that this could be attributed to ADHD and felt another piece of my puzzle click into place." Really, really great and apt description. Does it still ring true for you?

Matt: Very much so. Like, some days where no matter how much I try to will it to go faster, like it just won't be like, "No. Just wait."

Laura: Yeah, it's like chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga. Yeah. Or the AOL booting up sound. You mentioned something last time we chatted about slow processing speed. Slow processing speed is not ADHD, but they can go hand in hand. Do you want to share your experience and what led you to that?

Matt: A comment from the evaluator that he's like, "Hey, you know, you did at least flag a few things for dyslexia. You might want to consider being evaluated." I haven't done that yet, but I just always remember even in the work that I do now, I'll have to read something and I'll have to re-read it and re-read it again and then I may still not understand it.

I have this up in front of me and I figured I'd share it because I've come across a lot of hilarious memes, but this one I think ties into the slow processing. The person said: "I don't like things. I rotate them in my brain like a rotisserie chicken for months until my skull catches fire."

And I read that and I was like, "Yep, that is totally me." It just takes time for it to process in my head before like it clicks. What's frustrating is I never know nor have I figured out how to know or have a good guess on when that's going to happen. I'm like, "Why can't I pick this up? Or why is it taking so long?"

I had asked this person to explain it three different ways and I still didn't get it. It's almost like I have to have all of the senses like engaged in order for it to stick better. Like if I'm watching a video, it's I'm listening to it, reading the subtitles, and watching what they're doing. But if one of those is missing, it's not quite the same.

Laura: Multi-sensory learning is a really great strategy and it's especially good for folks with brains like ours. I mean slow processing speed is — it's first of all, it's not related to intelligence. Some people just take longer to process information than others and it's common in people with ADHD and things can look alike, you know, getting overwhelmed with too much info at once, trouble finishing tasks on time. You know, it's not the same thing as ADHD but these things kind of are in a soup together very often and it can be hard to untangle. What type of ADHD were you diagnosed with?

Matt: Inattentive.

Laura: Inattentive. It's rarer — it just in my limited experience — to hear from men who are not combined type or hyperactive. Do you think that has anything to do with your flying under the radar when it comes to ADHD?

Matt: Definitely. Like in school, I wasn't the stereotypical, you know, little white boy that's bouncing off the walls. You know, I think that was a lot of masking. But I also wonder how much of that was just from earlier experiences and something specific that sticks out my head was in kindergarten.

12:03 Childhood experiences with strict teachers leading to masking

Matt: I wasn't paying attention, wasn't listening, whatever. All I remember is that the teacher must have just got like super frustrated with me. And she just like grabbed my arm and then like dug her nails in.

Laura: Oh dear.

Matt: And like — you know — it was painful, obviously.

Laura: That's not okay. Okay.

Matt: And was just like — you know — got in my face. And from that point on, like I was just like, "Okay, I'm going to sit still. I'm going to pay attention. I'm going to look people in the eyes to show them that I'm paying attention," which I now know is hilarious because I was just talking to my wife the other day.

I was like, "You know what? I just noticed at the bus stop this morning. It's easier for me to pay attention to people if I'm not looking in their eyes or their face, because I'm like I'm focusing more on trying to just look at their eyes to make them feel like I'm paying attention than actually listening to what they said."

Laura: Yeah, I know. Like you kind of — when you start looking at someone's face so long to prove that — "prove" in air quotes — that you're paying attention, their face starts to kind of look like a Picasso painting. You're like, "What happened? Why are your — why is your nose up there?" And it just — maybe that's just me.

Matt: You mentioned the email and then reminded me of something that kind of coming back to masking. When I was watching "Hamilton" — and I look at it now and I'm like, "Okay, I'm pretty sure that several of these people must have had to have had ADHD."

Laura: "Hamilton" being one of them, right?

Matt: Why are you writing like you're always running out of time?

Laura: Yeah. Quit — stop writing. Stop.

Matt: But with Aaron Burr, you know, he'd always say it. Be like, "Talk less, smile more. Never let them know what you're against or what you're for." And I'm like, "Man, that was like my whole tagline and motto for the majority of my life." Hiding in the shadows — like never really putting myself out there because I was afraid of the consequences. So I would observe and learn what was safe before I would say anything.

Laura: That gave me chills as a lover of "Hamilton" myself. Can't say that those lines haven't resonated with me as well. When I introduced you, I talked about rewriting a story that you, you know, had believed for so long. What was the story that you used to tell yourself about yourself and what do you say now?

Matt: I used to just kind of think that, you know, I wasn't smart. I couldn't pick up on things. That I just lacked self-confidence in general. And I never really felt like I could get past that. I was like, "I've accomplished other things and done, you know, a lot," but I never thought I could get past that.

And not to say that I have, but I will say that just in the past few years, I've been able to believe in myself about something but actually believe it, instead of like the whole fake it 'til you make it kind of thing.

Laura: Wow.

Matt: Like, I'm not good at math and I'm doing software engineering. And I always thought that I was too stupid to do that type of work because I'm like, "No, you got to be good at math." But as I started to do it, I think it was the being able to build things, because I like doing projects around the house — you know, working with my hands, building things, seeing the results.

Laura: That's beautiful.

Matt: Yeah.

Laura: And how do you feel now if the — the thing that you build is a little bit off-kilter, a little bit askew? How do you cope with that?

Matt: Oh, I — I still — yeah. I'm not great with it.

Laura: That's probably always going to be that way. Matt, it's been really lovely to chat with you and thank you for listening to so much "ADHD Aha". I'm glad it helped. I'm grateful to you for being a listener and for writing in and for now advocating and contributing to our community by sharing your story.

Matt: I had a great time, even though I may not always show it, but —

Laura: Thanks for listening today. As always, if you want to share your own "aha" moment, email us at ADHDaha@understood.org or send a message to our voicemail inbox. You'll find a link in the show notes along with resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"ADHD Aha" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli. Say hi, Jessamine.

Jessamine Molli: Hi, everyone.

Laura: And edited by Alyssa Shea. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright. Production support is provided by Andrew Rector. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

From Understood.org, our executive producers are Scott Cocchiere and Jordan Davidson. And I'm your host, Laura Key. Thanks so much for listening.