Imposter syndrome after a lifetime of hacking her ADHD (Debbie Reber’s story)

Debbie Reber — author, podcast host, and founder of Tilt Parenting — shares her unexpected journey of discovering her ADHD as an adult. She talks about the imposter syndrome that came with it, especially after years of writing about executive function and advocating for neurodivergent kids.

Debbie explains how being extremely organized her whole life — hacking her ADHD without realizing it — kept her from seeing the signs sooner. She reflects on believing she “should” be someone who has natural balance, feels accomplished every day, and can simply unwind at night.

She also opens up about growing up as the class clown, being told she was too loud, and how therapy is helping her untangle those early messages and better understand herself.

• ADHD and imposter syndrome in women

• Personal story: What I do when imposter syndrome creeps in 

• Check out Debbie’s books, including Differently Wired: The Parent’s Guide to Raising an Atypical Child

Debbie Reber: Imposter syndrome has like been a theme throughout my entire life. Even though I've written so many books. And I would say to my husband, "Yeah, but I'm not like a real author." He's like, "I'm sorry, Debbie, what are you talking about?" I'm like, "But I'm not writing like it's not literary, you know." So I've just always had that thing. So, you know, I'm a 55-year-old woman at this point. It's starting to like peel away, but I'm still having to battle that all the time that I don't really belong here.

Laura Key: This is "ADHD Aha!," a podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. My name is Laura Key. I head up our editorial team here at Understood.org. And as someone who's had my own ADHD "Aha!" moment, I'll be your host. "ADHD Aha!" moments take many of us by surprise, and that can be especially true when you've spent a good chunk of your life hacking your ADHD without even knowing it. That was the story with our guest today, Debbie Reber.

Debbie is a parenting activist, author of the book "Differently Wired," and founder of Tilt Parenting, an amazing resource for families raising neurodivergent kids. Debbie, welcome to the show. How are you today?

Debbie: Thanks, Laura. I'm great. I'm really excited to have this conversation.

Laura: We have been following your podcast for a long time here at Understood. We love your show. We'll put links, of course, in the show notes to everything. Everybody check out all of Debbie's stuff. So, Debbie, how did you discover that you have ADHD?

(01:38) The last to know: Debbie’s ADHD discovery story.

Debbie: I mean, I just feel like this is probably what you hear from so many people, but I was of course the last person to know. And I mean, I created Tilt Parenting almost 10 years ago because I have a neurodivergent kiddo, autistic, ADHD, and pretty massive ADHD. And I was fascinated by it. I never once assumed that I had it because I'm so organized. And what I now know is I've hacked my executive functions to death. But literally, it was like a couple of years ago, and I must have been talking with my therapist and something about my childhood and I can't meditate and I can't stop. And she's always telling me, "Stop moving." I'm like, "But that's how I do everything. And I can't stop. It's so uncomfortable."

And I just started, and I'm interviewing people with ADHD all the time. And I'm just like, "Well, that's so fascinating." So then one day I was like, "I'm going to do one of those online screeners and just kind of see." So of course I researched all the best online screeners for ADHD and I did like five of them and they were all like totally conclusive. I was like, "Fascinating." But I will say I also felt like, "I don't want to make a big deal out of this."

I had imposter syndrome about my ADHD. And so because, say more. What do you mean by that? I mean, imposter syndrome has been a theme throughout my entire life, but I think because of creating Tilt and building a brand as being this kind of research, information wrangler and sharer for parents in my community and talking about neurodivergence from this, you know, objective point of view, I was like, "Oh, now I'm just going to be one of those people is like, 'Oh, me too.'"

And I don't know, I just felt really uncomfortable with making it a big part of my work because I was like, "You know, I kind of have figured out how to function and make it work for me. And there's no point." So yeah, so I've been a little, I haven't talked about it much.

Laura: Tell me more about why you didn't feel that a formal diagnosis was necessary.

Debbie: I think because I have, since I was like four, like I'm an athlete and I, I always have been. And I've always found ways to hack myself. And I mean, I've written books on how to be productive, right? So I guess part of me is like, I don't feel that medication would help me because I feel like there are other things that I use instead.

And I also, I'm still working with the same therapist and I'm doing so much healing. Like it's been incredible. But that to me is what matters. You know, I don't need anybody to legitimize it. I feel like, "Yeah, I just was like, 'What is that really going to get me?' I don't need formal support if I can keep, you know, we're talking about excavating, like my little undiagnosed kiddo and healing her, that's really all that matters to me."

Laura: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. The imposter syndrome, do you feel like that does it come from not knowing sooner that you had ADHD?

Debbie: Again, it has been a theme always throughout my life, just that idea that I'm, people thought one thing of me, but if they didn't know how hard I was working behind the scenes or they didn't know that I felt like they're making a huge mistake here. "I do not belong in this gifted class or I don't fit into this group," or all of those things. So and in this space, right?

I have some visibility in the parenting space supporting other parents and I'm still like, "I don't have a PhD and I'm not, you know." So it's just kind of been with me always. Even though I've written so many books for teens, a lot of them, and I would always say to my husband, "But I'm not a real author." Right? For sure. Yeah. And I would always say to my husband, "Yeah, but I'm not like a real author." He's like, "I'm sorry, Debbie, what are you talking about?" I'm like, "But I'm not writing like it's not literary, you know." So I've just always had that thing. You know, I'm a 55-year-old woman at this point. It's starting to like peel away, but I'm still, you'll get there. I sure hope so.

Laura: I mean, you're so accomplished, and I know you don't need me to say that to you. What is it about, go ahead. I don't want to cut you off.

Debbie: No, it just makes me feel really uncomfortable because I always feel like I want to say, "Yes, but," or find reasons. Yeah. I want to minimize it.

Laura: Can we take a journey back into time? What were, I almost called you Little Debbie. I'm sorry. You probably hate that.

Debbie: I want a little Debbie. Yeah.

Laura: Yum. What was Debbie like as a kid?

Debbie: It's so funny because this is literally like I've been doing this internal family systems work with my therapist, which has been fascinating. I actually just last week I pulled out a picture of me on the first day of kindergarten. I was four. And I was just so cute in a messy way, like a scruffy, tomboyish, messy way. And my homework was to look at that girl and remember her experience. And what I remember and feel so strongly was that I wanted to do everything. My neighbor wanted to do gymnastics. I'm going to do gymnastics and I love to dance and I wanted to do like, I just wanted to do everything.

And I had a lot of energy. You know, of course, motor mouth was one of my nicknames. I was loud, apparently, because the something that was said to me a lot by my dad was, "Debbie, we're all in the same county." And I'd be like, "Oh, I didn't even know I was talking loudly." But I was that kid who would come to the dinner table and be like, "I'm going to save the giant panda bear from extinction." I had big dreams. They changed frequently. And in my family, I was just like, I mean, my sister did tell me that I was adopted and didn't even belong. So I was, that was a message like, "Well, you're not really a part of this family." And that's how I felt. Like I felt confused because my excitement and big ideas were met with humor, but humoring me. Like, "Oh, okay, let's get this one in writing. Let's see what Debbie's going to want to be for a career next week."

Like I there was a lot of that, like I was just this kind of weird kid that everyone kind of made fun of. Maybe with love, but I just remember feeling confused. Like, "But these are really good ideas. Why are you like crushing my dreams, you know?"

Laura: Yeah. And it sounds like you were really smart too. You know, to be so intelligent and to have all these big ideas, but the way that they come across, people don't take them seriously. That's got to be such a frustrating existence.

Debbie: Yeah, it always felt like I was waiting for someone to just acknowledge what I brought to the table or the ideas that I had or the or to support them, to be excited about them, to join me in that. And I didn't have that for probably until middle school. And I met, you know, my best friend, um, from my school years, Vicky, and she was similarly, you know, had really big ideas and was kind of an unconventional thinker, like, and, uh, that was the first time I felt like, "Oh, somebody else has big dreams here too." And that was really helpful for me.

(08:52) School, hurdles, and humor: Debbie’s high school persona.

Laura: How did you do in school?

Debbie: Middle school and high school, I was a solid C student. My GPA in high school might have been like a 1.8 or something. Like I got into university, I think, because of my running. I was in track and field, so thank goodness for that.

Laura: Good for you. Which events did you do?

Debbie: I was a hurdler. I was so obsessed with the hurdles.

Laura: Debbie, I mean, a love of hurdles, there's a heavy-handed metaphor I could use here. But I won't.

Debbie: That's so true. That's very funny. I got in trouble a lot, but also I was like, I was voted class clown in my senior poll, class clown, best excuse maker, and most sarcastic. So check, check, check.

Laura: I love that. I do, but it's such an ADHD thing too, all of these things.

Debbie: I was so proud of it though. But I was that person. But I also was liked. I did the class announcements. I like, I was involved in everything. That's how I got through school. I hated like the academic stuff, but the social stuff and all the things I could do and also it kept me away from home, which I found very boring and uninteresting. So I kind of did all the things I could do at school and I was so ready to leave when it was over.

(10:11) Hacking her way to success: Debbie’s journey of self-discovery and productivity.

Laura: So you hacked your life for a good chunk of your life. At some point, you must have hit a wall where maybe you, obviously, you didn't know at that time that you had ADHD or it didn't cross your mind, but at moments that were really hard and really hard to hack.

Debbie: Yeah. I mean, I struggled in university. Like the first couple of years because I was very social and I thought it was just one big social experiment. And I just didn't really get it. And I was young. I started college at 17 and I was super immature and I had no skills because I got by without really having to do anything in high school. And so I'll just say that something that shifted for me was I had an internship at NBC News the summer after my junior year.

And I think I got like a little taste of, "Oh, oh, this is what I want to do. This is what really matters here. I want to have a job and I want to be Holly Hunter in "Broadcast News."

Laura: Yes.

Debbie: I think I realized, "Wow, I've really kind of screwed myself because now I wanted something and I had this like terrible GPA. And maybe I made some choices that were not going to make what I wanted attainable." So when I came back to school, I was kind of a different person. I became more serious and I started to try to be a good student. Like, "What does that look like? What is it actually like to read the books?"

And I'm like, I'm such a slow reader. It's really hard for me.

Laura: Slow because you get distracted or?

Debbie: Yeah. Like I don't know what this is if it's a thing, but I have to read so slowly and sometimes reread a sentence once or twice till I can understand the meaning of it.

Laura: So common for people with ADHD.

Debbie: If you're reading like philosophy or some kind of heavy, like media ethics text,

Laura: I took that class.

Debbie: I'm just like, yeah, it's brutal. It's brutal. So I had to teach myself how to learn, how to prep for something, which was super time consuming. But I started realizing like, "Oh, okay, I can actually do well." Like I started getting really good grades. So that's not me crashing, but that was me realizing I could kind of up-level here. I think the struggle for me always until I became kind of my own boss was I was always trying to do everything. So I would have a job that I maybe really loved, but I also had like three side projects. And I couldn't understand like, "Who are these people who go to work and then come home and watch like "Friends" and "Seinfeld" and then like just chill and go to sleep?" It was frustrating to me and I kept thinking, "If I get the right job, then I'll be satisfied and I won't have to have three other projects going on at the same time."

And then I can have more balance, which I thought was what I needed. That was just a continual frustration for so many years, feeling like I'll never be satisfied and it was exhausting. And I couldn't not do those things. So I just didn't know what was wrong with me. And then I was like, "Oh, I'm just multi-passionate." Like I kept trying to find ways to define or describe who I was, but I didn't know any other entrepreneurs. It was such a different experience than the people I hung out with. And so I just once again always felt like, "What's wrong with me?"

Laura: Do you still feel that way? Do you still feel insatiable?

Debbie: I mean, I do, but I can do everything I want to do now.

Laura: Love that.

Debbie: Yeah. It's like, "Oh," people email me, they're like, "I love your website. Can you give me the name of your web designer?" I'm like, "Well, that would be me, and I don't have any room for clients," or, you know, like I get to do everything I want to do. And so it really satisfies all of that. It's too much. Like I'm still not in balance. I keep thinking I'll get there someday. I mean, I thought when my kid went off to university, my life would be spacious and now I have all the time. And it's, it's even worse.

Laura: You just filled it right up.

Debbie: But I still believe. And my husband is helping me now with Tilt, which is great. And maybe that's created more work for me because now we can do more together.

Laura: I thought you meant something else.

Debbie: No, but like my toward vision is that I'm going to reach this point where I have this like schedule and on Mondays I do this and on Tuesdays I do that. And then I can watch "Love is Blind" in the evenings on the couch and know that I, it's all taken care of. But,

Laura: Can be one of those people who watches "Friends" and "Seinfeld" at night after they're done with work.

Debbie: Wouldn't that be nice? At the same time, right now, I wouldn't have it any other way. Like I think I would get bored.

(14:44) Finding peace in imbalance: a different perspective on ADHD.

Laura: Maybe that's just never going to happen, and that's okay.

Debbie: Yes. But, you know, I think about what is next because I'm at that age, like all of my same age friends are like talking about, "What is next for you after Tilt? Or like, 'Are you going to retire in five years?'" And I was like, "Well, yeah, so I will scale back, but I then I want to open a bagel shop, but I also want to open like a center for women to like meet and hang out and like have creative workshops. But then I'm also interested in pursuing maybe going back to writing fiction." Like I don't know. So I see all that stuff in the distance and I want all of that too.

Laura: My comment wasn't about like you're never going to find the balance. I think I was more like maybe the balance is in knowing that there will never be a balance.

Debbie: Yeah.

Laura: I say that as if I'm at peace with that. I'm not. I, it's top of mind for me because it's something that I struggle with too. I think the greatest peace I ever felt in my life was when I decided, "No, I'm going to stop pretending like I'm going to write a book one day."

Debbie: Yeah. I can feel the relief just giving yourself permission to let that go.

Laura: My balance or my peace is just lowering the bar for myself.

Debbie: Yeah.

Laura: Which I think can get misconstrued. It's not like we want people with ADHD, we don't want to set low expectations for people with ADHD and for kids with ADHD, but it's I think it's about gentleness and being like, "You're doing a lot already."

Debbie: Yes. And that it's not a failing if you don't write a book and, I mean, I always felt like I would go back and get a PhD someday. And it just would keep coming up. And I was just, and finally, it was about a year ago that I let that go and it was so freeing.

(16:22) A new chapter for Tilt Parenting: Debbie’s vision for the future.

Laura: So Debbie, what's coming up for you? Tell our listeners where they can find you, what you want them to check out. Like, go for it.

Debbie: Of course, I'm like doing all kinds of new ideas with Tilt now that I have my husband working for me. Working with me, I should say.

Laura: No, I like, don't change it. I love it. Keep it.

Debbie: Coming up on the 10-year anniversary of Tilt. And so I'm, I've gone back out to the community and trying to get information from parents, what are you dealing with now? Because when I launched Tilt, I launched it as a revolution. Like that was the language I used. This is a movement because you know what? Our kids are not broken. That was my stake in the ground. Our kids are not broken. We need to use a strength-based lens and we need to stop using this pathologizing language.

And so so many of these ideas that I started Tilt with are now like, "Yeah, no duh. We know that now," right? And people are talking about this conversation about neurodivergence in a very different way than when I started Tilt. And so I'm going back out to the community and seeing, "Okay, even though the conversation has moved, where's the work that needs to happen? Where do parents still need support?"

And so I'm taking a step back and I'm looking at how can I, you know, work within my community. I have a a membership community, the Differently Wired Club, which is six years old now, which I love so much. I know. It's crazy. I can't believe I've been doing a podcast for that many years. It's just nuts. So I'm going back out to the community and seeing, "Okay, even though the conversation has moved, where's the work that needs to happen? Where do parents still need support?" And so I'm taking a step back and I'm looking at how can I, you know, work within my community. I have a membership community, the Differently Wired Club, which is six years old now, which I love so much. I know. It's crazy. I can't believe I've been doing a podcast for that many years. It's just nuts. But I want to think about how can I apply this new lens to my podcast, to all the things? And I will say, we talked about books, my agent does have a book that she's trying to find a publisher for right now.

Laura: Okay.

Debbie: So I hope to have news about that soon, but it's kind of like taking all of the everything that I've learned over the past 10 years and really distilling it because that's what I'm really good at is taking a lot of information and sharing it in a way that's accessible so people can really use it and apply it. So that's what this book would be about.

Laura: I love that. I can't wait. Yeah, keep us posted.

Debbie: Me too.

Laura: I feel I need to say that I know you didn't get that job at "60 Minutes." That you didn't become Holly Hunter. I would venture to say that what you have done and what you are doing is more important than that and more impressive. So I'm just grateful for everything that you've done. I'm so grateful that you came on the show. You're a hoot. It's so much fun to hang out with you. I've had a really great time today, Debbie. Thanks for being here.

Debbie: Thank you so much for inviting me. I love this conversation.

Laura: Thanks for listening today. As always, if you want to share your own "aha" moment, email us at ADHDAha@understood.org or send a message to our voicemail inbox. You’ll find a link in the show notes along with resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

Laura: "ADHD Aha!" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli. Say "Hi," Jessamine.

Jessamine: Hi, everyone!

Laura: Video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Production support provided by Andrew Rector.

Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive directors are Scott Cocchiere and Jordan Davidson.

And I'm your host, Laura Key. Thanks so much for listening.