“Mom rage,” sensory overload, and shame (Kaitlin Soulé’s story)

Marriage and family therapist Kaitlin Soulé shares her story and expertise. She opens up about rage — especially “mom rage” — and the sensory overload and shame that often come with it. Kaitlin and Laura talk about what rage actually feels like (it’s more than just yelling), and how constant noise at home can push them past their limits. They also look at how “rage” is often framed as a women’s issue. (Have you ever heard anyone talk about “dad rage”?)

Kaitlin shares practical ways to come down from intense moments and repair things with loved ones. The conversation also touches on masking — why it can be easier to hold it together at work, but not at home. ADHD and mood swings come up too, and why some women are misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. 

• Listen: She broke the silence on ADHD shame in women (Sari Solden’s story) 

• Read: ADHD and emotions

• Watch: ADHD and mood spirals: How to calm down fast

Laura Key: I get so easily overwhelmed by sensory stuff. That's something that really came up for me only in motherhood. I would get really overwhelmed with three small children who were just being children and being loud, and I would all of a sudden yell or get really irritated. And I'm like, "Who is that person?" Like, that's not me. That's not who I want to be as a parent. So that feels really hard.

This is "ADHD Aha!", a podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. I am here today with Kaitlin Soulé. Kaitlin is a licensed marriage and family therapist, an Understood expert, and author of the book "A Little Less of a Hot Mess: The Modern Mom's Guide to Growth and Evolution." I love that title. Kaitlin, thank you so much for being here today. How are you?

Kaitlin Soulé: Good! Thanks for having me. It's great to be here.

Laura: I'm really excited to have you here today in particular because not only are you a person with ADHD and have a personal story to share, but you're also an expert. And I'm going to ask you some questions, questions that I may or may not have that will be helpful, you know, in my own life as a mom with ADHD.

Kaitlin: Great!

Laura: So let's dive in though with your personal story. Let's talk about when you got diagnosed with ADHD.

Kaitlin: Yeah. So I was diagnosed with ADHD like so many women in my late 30s. So just a few years ago, really. During the pandemic, I just all of a sudden started feeling like life became so overwhelming. And you know, I was doing all the things. We were homeschooling the kids because we had to, not because we wanted to.

I was still running my private practice, and I really started to struggle a ton with executive functioning. I've always been someone who loses things, but that really increased during this time. It was like I couldn't keep track of anything.

But there was this one particular moment that I remember where it was my "aha!" moment. And I had, I think, spilled the green smoothie in the car for the second time that week — and I'm not kidding, because apparently I don't like put lids on things the right way, probably because I'm running late.

And then I had lost the car keys a bunch of times that week. And my husband, who's generally like a really chill, even-keeled guy, looked at me and said, "Okay, I know — I know we're like under a lot of pressure right now, but are you okay? What's going on?"

And previous to that, I had known that I struggled with anxiety, but I hadn't really thought about executive dysfunction for myself and how that might relate to something like ADHD. I'm just used to being the way that I am, right? And so I reached out to a psychiatrist, I got assessed, and ended up getting diagnosed with ADHD combined type, but mostly inattentive.

Laura: How did you feel when your husband said that to you?

Kaitlin: To be honest, I felt really embarrassed — may not be the right word because I do — I am comfortable with him. But I felt shame because it was like even of a deeper feeling. It felt so old. Do you know what I mean?

It's like that wasn't the first time that somebody had said, even in a way that wasn't meaning to be hurtful, like, "Oh my gosh, like you're — you're always losing things or forgetting things." I just felt this deep sense of "ugh, why can't I just get this right," you know? So the shame really came up for me in that moment.

Laura: Do you think being a woman intensified that shame?

Kaitlin: Absolutely. Because as a woman, and especially as a mom, like, you're like supposed to — I'm doing air quotes, right? You're supposed to be able to handle it all and do all the things. And here I am, a mom to three and I was — I'm running a successful business and I'm, you know, a therapist. And I just wrote a book about how to be a little less of a hot mess and I am a hot mess.

(03:51) How ADHD-related executive dysfunction differs from typical parental stress and the shame that often accompanies it.

Laura: What went beyond a typical stressful moment into true ADHD-related executive dysfunction?

Kaitlin: Yes. That's a really great point because I do think the reason — one of the main reasons why I didn't seek help or assessment earlier was because I had also convinced myself and been convinced by others like, all moms are just overwhelmed. Like, this is an overwhelming time. All parents are overwhelmed. It's COVID. All of which is true, was true.

But it was unfortunately masking the deeper struggle. Again, losing things all the time, misplacing things, constantly running late, even when I'm really well prepared. I think the perfectionism piece comes up a lot for me where it's like, "Oh, I can just do this one more thing before I leave."

So then when I come home, you know, everything will feel a little more organized or I'll feel like more ready to move on to the next thing. So that has always been a struggle for me. I think in relationships it — if I'm being really honest — came up too in the sense of like, I have never been the best at following through on like the things that you need to do in relationships to keep like friendships going, right?

Laura: What about as a mom?

Kaitlin: As a mom, oh yeah. That's probably the reason why I don't mention it first is maybe because it's like so — like it's so triggering, but it's so true. Yes, it definitely has affected the way I've parented, in both some really wonderful ways and some really hard ways.

The overwhelm is the first thing I think of. It's just like I get so easily overwhelmed by sensory stuff. That's something that really came up for me only in motherhood. I was a single person able to control my environment, right? But all the noises that come with kids — they're touching you, there's just like a lot of like physicality that came up for me that I was like, "This is just really uncomfortable."

So I would get really overwhelmed with three small children who were just being children and being loud, and I would all of a sudden yell or get really irritated. And when I would hear myself yelling or lashing out, I'm like, "Who is that person?" Like, that's not me. That's not who I want to be as a parent. So that feels really hard.

(07:22) "Mom rage": exploring the intense emotional dysregulation and sensory overload that can trigger outbursts.

Laura: I want to pivot to a topic that you kind of touched on a little bit in talking about your personal story. And that is — and it's not the best term in the world, but we're going to use the term because this is sometimes how people refer to it — and we're going to unpack that. But it's "raging." What does that mean?

Kaitlin: So we'll hear this a lot in the context of like "mom rage."

Laura: Yeah, I've seen it sometimes described as like just intense, overwhelming anger and irritability. But that doesn't even like do it justice in terms of what we're actually talking about here and maybe we should give an example. Have you ever raged? It's so weird to ask that but yeah.

Kaitlin: Have you raged? Yes. I mean, and sometimes we're a bad narrator, right? Of our self narrator. We're like, "I was raging," but really we were just like raising our voice a bit. But I have felt internal rage and I know when I've felt that internally, it does — it feels like there's like a little fire in my chest.

And I feel like all of a sudden I want to like just scream and explode. And sometimes I'm able to like bring myself back down, but when I'm not, it's not pretty and I don't like it and it feels really out of control.

So that might be a good example — like I think, you know, I was kind of speaking to before was with the kids. If it's been, I don't know, say it's 5:30 at night and it's been a long day of them being home and everyone's asked me for five million different things and the kids are arguing with each other.

I just feel like I'm at my wit's end with what I can handle — or the sensory overload — and then all of a sudden this feeling just kind of rises up inside and I just lose it. Yeah.

Laura: I talk a lot on the show about going from 99 to 100. Like, when you have ADHD, you're coping with things throughout the day. You're trying to focus throughout the day, throughout the day, and you put all of your effort into it, and then you hit that 100. And that can manifest in a lot of different ways.

Something that I do, that again, I'm ashamed to share about is — and it's always at home, that does not make my husband happy. He's like, "Do that at work." It is like I kind of — my soul like floats out of my body. And I am watching myself and I am literally — this is one of potentially millions of examples that people might give — wandering around the house yelling about things.

"Why is this here? Why is this here? Why did that happen?" Things I don't actually care about, right? Making my family nervous. I could actually like tear up thinking about it right now. Making my kids be like, "What's wrong with mom?"

Right? I'm a really good mom, I'm really patient and present with them, but then I have these moments that bring me so much intense shame. I don't know if it's 30 seconds or 30 minutes because I lose all grasp of time and space. So yeah, it's like a snap.

And to your point from before, it's like I don't want to stop because number one, it feels like a high — like a release. And number two, something in the back of my head tells me that as soon as I'm done, I'm going to feel terrible. Yeah, I'm going to feel so ashamed and I'm going to start crying.

And I know that this was not okay for me to act as an adult, as a person, as a mom, whatever. So it just prolongs it because I don't want to get out of that space. Because I know it's coming.

Kaitlin: That's so relatable. And I think that's what keeps us — the shame, right? It keeps us from having these conversations that are so important to have. It's so relatable. I've been there too. And when you use the example of walking around the house like pointing things out, I'm like, "Oh my gosh, she's right. I do that too."

And yelling about it. "I told you to move that three days ago, you didn't remember?" I don't actually care where that thing is on the table! But I'm like looking for things to let out my anger. I hear this story so often of "I lost it again and I — I hate when I yell."

And there is — so it's a really common experience. And again, because as women we think we have to have everything, you know, we should be these perfect moms. I don't think we really think that, but we feel that pressure. We don't have these conversations. Yeah.

Laura: There's something specific about this term too, "raging." Like, it's kind of intangible. It's hard to attach it to the thing that's happening because we keep talking about like raising your voice. Yes, that often can be part of it, and I'm sure the experience is unique for all people. But it's this like — it's also this sensory overload.

What we're really talking about here — you correct me, you're the expert — is emotional regulation. 

Kaitlin: And emotional regulation is part of executive function, right? Absolutely, yeah. So the emotional dysregulation that happens in, and again, I think motherhood and parenthood is just like this prime place for it to kind of be unveiled, right?

Is because there's so much pressure and there's so much happening at once and so much sensory overload. So many expectations, right? So I think that's where I see myself and other women get the most emotionally dysregulated. Yeah.

Laura: You mentioned your own sensory sensitivities. I myself am pretty sensitive to specific sounds. And also I seek out certain sounds, so it's like sensory seeking and sensory avoiding. Both. But when I'm irritated by a sound that I can't handle, it also kind of can trigger this behavior.

Kaitlin: Yes. Does that happen for you? A lot. And I'll just say, you know, like I have a child who — he's seven and he has ADHD, so he makes a lot of noises. Like, and that's part of him like trying to regulate himself and calm down.

So he'll just make silly noises or repetitive noises, use a baby voice a lot. And for me that — I've gotten better with it because I've gotten more used to it — but that is really hard and triggering. If I'm — listen, if I've just woken up and I've had my coffee and not much has gone wrong that day, I can handle that much better.

Laura: Right. You're only at two or three, you're not at 100 yet.

Kaitlin: Right, but if you're getting close to 100, you're at 99 and then he makes that noise — or even like a garbage truck goes by, it's funny certain noises, right? That'll just make me just feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and then maybe I'm more likely to act in a way that I don't want to act. Yeah.

Laura: So is this kind of behavior more common in women than in men?

Kaitlin: I think it's more common in women with ADHD, but not necessarily then in men with ADHD. I think men with ADHD also get angry and you'll see them have these outbursts as well. But unfortunately, like, it's more socially acceptable, right?

Yeah, because the "raging" term — we haven't really talked about the term itself. We kind of defined it, but the term is very gendered. Yeah. Like "dad rage." I've never heard anyone say "dad rage" outside of the context of like — usually if it's like that, it's like we're talking about somebody being like physically abusive and we're not using the word rage.

Because abuse is different than rage, right? I think there's also a little wink of like, "Isn't that cute?" Kind of thing too to it. Like "Oh, she's raging." Right, of like she's — she's really upset about something but it's not taken seriously. It's downplaying it. It's like somehow making it a gendered thing again, right? Yeah. Like a woman could never really use her anger in a way that's powerful.

(14:40) Masking and restraint collapse: why people with ADHD often struggle most in their safe spaces.

Laura: The other side of the coin, like at least to me, the hard part is that I think we've pretty well established that, you know, this is part of our brain, right? Like creating grace for these kinds of experiences and acknowledging that they're hard.

When you do come from that moment of quote "raging," there is a level of accountability to be taken, especially if you don't live alone. Yes. If you live alone, fine, as long as you didn't hurt yourself or your pet or whatever. Right. There's like holes in the wall, whatever, you can fix them.

Yeah, yeah, and you'll have to like pay for it maybe. But there is emotional fallout that comes with your family members because it is — it's hard. I see my kids' looks, the looks on their faces and they're like, "What — what's the matter with you?" and like.

Kaitlin: The repair is really important. From my own personal experience, it's very hard to engage in the repair work right after I've had this meltdown or this rage experience because I'm just not quite ready yet, I'm not regulated yet.

And so my number one tip for people is to make sure that you are yourself more regulated before you try and do repair work with your kids or partner, whoever it is, or a friend, whoever you had this outburst with, is because it's going to sound like a cheap apology, right?

If we're not actually calm or regulated, we may still be in a place of trying to blame others for our behavior. Right, right. Something we also struggle with as people with ADHD is yeah, how to take accountability because we carry so much shame from all the different times in our past when we've felt like we've made mistakes, right? Or have like ruptured a relationship.

So that shame keeps us from taking real accountability sometimes. So regulate, take a couple deep breaths. For me, I need to like go into another room. I need to like physically separate myself for a little while and then come back to it.

Laura: Yeah. Okay good, that's what I've been doing.

Kaitlin: Good! You're doing great. You're doing great. And you're modeling that for your kids. Because listen, all of this is teaching kids like, we're human, we have big feelings too. And it's not about like not having big feelings, it's about how do we deal with our big feelings? Yeah.

I want to talk a little bit about masking. My husband very patiently — sounds maybe similar to how your husband has approached you about "What's going on?" — my husband who is extremely supportive and a wonderful partner, but will just be like, "Why — you manage to not do this at work. Why do you do it at home?"

There's this term and I'll link these two things — like "restraint collapse" for kids who struggle with neurodiversity or ADHD and they, you know, for example they've been at school all day long and then they finally come home and the teacher's like, "They're doing great in school!"

And they come home and they're like a different kid, right? They just like collapse or they're just raging or they're, you know, crying. And it's because they've held it together all day long in typically this school environment that's typically not neurodiverse — friendly, right?

So they've had to do a lot of masking and then they fall apart when they get home because they can just like finally take that mask off. And so I think it's the same for us as adults. I mean, just looks different, right?

So maybe you've held it together all day long at work, right? You've met all your expectations, your deadlines, you've done the things. There's a lot of sensory input that probably happened throughout the day that maybe was uncomfortable. And then you come home and you just feel safer, which is a good sign, and also just like it feels necessary to take off that mask. Yeah.

So unfortunately what we end up with sometimes is — this is why I think it affects relationships negatively often — is because our people sometimes see the worst parts, right? And again, I say both things are true here. I think it's beautiful that we have the safety to be our real selves with our partner and also that they can call it out when they see it.

And also it feels really hard to have that sense that you're like letting them down or that they don't understand why you're as upset as you are.

Laura: Like, "You are my tribe. I love you all more than I love anything or anyone in this world." And still, it's like you feel like you're letting them down and letting yourself down. But yeah, that is what I was thinking about because there is a sense of comfort at home and a sense of love at home, unconditional love. Yes. Not everybody has that at home though.

Kaitlin: Yeah. Some people go home and they're still masking. And they're still masking because they have to, maybe their — their partner is not supportive, maybe their partner is abusive.

Do you ever see with your clients it doesn't come out at home, it comes out in the — maybe it comes out in the safe space where they — maybe it's at work? Maybe it's at work or maybe it's road rage, you know? Or maybe it's on the internet. Because there's some release they need, right?

(17:11) Common ADHD misdiagnoses in women and how internal brain hyperactivity can drive avoidance behaviors.

Kaitlin: What I see a lot, especially in young girls who aren't diagnosed yet or are misdiagnosed, is they are masking both at school and at home because the societal expectations are there still.

You're still expected to like, I don't know, be polite or be palatable in these ways. So I do think women mask more often, which could potentially be what links to these really big outburst moments, these "I can't hold it in anymore," this raging. Yeah.

And then we start to associate that term with girls and women. Even if that's not entirely true. Right, even if there's no statistics to back that we experience it more. Right, right.

Do you think that these kinds of behaviors contribute at all to the misdiagnosis in women? Like women maybe being misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Laura: One of the most common kind of misdiagnoses for ADHD is bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, and depression. Those two things make sense though — the anxiety, the depression — because oftentimes we feel anxious and depressed when we're, you know, trying to mask all the time, right?

And so that's different. But the bipolar piece, I think the mood swings that we're talking about or the emotional dysregulation, which is a kind of key marker of ADHD but also is seen in bipolar disorder, is what oftentimes confuses people when they're making a diagnosis.

Laura: What other kind of emotional dysregulation do you often see?

Kaitlin: Anxiety comes to mind, right? Yeah, the kind of constant thought loops that are kind of going. I say I may not be hyperactive in my body anymore, but I feel very hyperactive in my brain, right? I hear that a lot, yeah.

Yeah, it's like all this incessant thoughts about everything. That can be really difficult. I think the anger, the avoidance, which can kind of come up from wanting to avoid situations that feel especially triggering or we feel like we might actually have an outburst, so we try and avoid those situations.

Like for me this looks like sitting in my car a little longer when I get home from work because I mean, I'll just be honest, it's like say it's like 5:30 p.m. and I know like my husband's starting to get dinner ready and I've been out at work all day and I've been seeing clients and probably my medication is wearing off because by the way your medication wears off by like 5-5:30 p.m.

Laura: Mine is wearing off right now, by the way. In this moment, right?

Kaitlin: And you're like, "Great! So now it's — I'm coming home at the hardest part of the day while my medication is wearing off, while my child's medication is probably wearing off as well." And so there's like avoidance I feel like I just am going to stay in the car a couple minutes longer to deal with this right now.

Laura: That's not necessarily a bad thing though.

Kaitlin: Yeah, it can be a good thing because if I'm doing it intentionally to like kind of regulate myself before I go in the door, it's not a bad thing. It's just something I notice. And people who aren't maybe aware of what they're doing might end up avoiding in ways that aren't necessarily healthy.

Like really, really getting over-invested in work. Because it feels like — I hear this a lot from women with ADHD — like I can be effective at work. I know how to do work. But at home, there's so many more variables and the emotional dysregulation piece is really hard.

Laura: So many intangibles at home. Yes, and then you're expected to be the expert on everything when you're the parent. Yeah. We do like to feel that sense of like, "Okay, I know how to do this one thing well." In parenting, that is just you have to know you have to be doing all the things all the time.

And every day is a surprise. Yes. And novelty can be a great thing when you have ADHD, but it also can throw you off of your routines, which can be really, really tricky. That avoidance, the sitting in your car a little bit longer — sometimes I take an extra walk around the block listening to a podcast or something like that.

And I do think it's good. Yeah, you're going into your second job, which is true of any parent who both works and comes home to — to kids or to caregiving any person in their life. That dinner time is the hardest part of the day for me.

It's also the most joyful part of the day, which is this dichotomy because I'm like, "Ugh, I love these people." I know, I know. And I think that's why we do get hesitant to talk about it or admit it, right? Which coming back to shame, because I think this is like for me, the shame is the thing that we don't talk about enough.

We talk about skills and tools — those are all great. But if we're still struggling with shame or we're still feeling a lot of shame, I don't think we can even access the skills and tools.

So that's my big thing. But I do think that we don't talk about it because we're — we're thinking that it's going to sound like we don't love our kids or we're not grateful to be parents, and that's just not the case at all. It's like two things can be true at the same time, you know?

Laura: Yeah. I — now that my kids have started to get a little bit older, it's been kind of a relief to me to be able to just say to them the thing — be like, "I love you so much. I need five minutes."

Kaitlin: Same! I do say that a lot like, "Mom needs a minute." and they get it. They don't always love it, but they probably don't want to be like yelled at. So like, "Go take your minute," you know?

Sometimes I'm inadvertently threatening them with negative consequences. I'm like, "You know, if you don't want mom to get angry — " The parenting textbooks won't tell you to do that. I get that.

And I as a therapist I should tell you — but like no, in practice we all do those things, okay? We kind of have a shorthand now that I can say it with a little wink.

I think that's really great. And that's what I would recommend to people is just have some kind of signal you can give or say something that lets yourself know, it helps with co-regulation because you're regulating yourself and it's letting your child know.

"I do need some time. I love you, this is not your fault. We'll come back together in a few minutes," or whatever it is, you know? Yeah. I really like talking to you about this.

Laura: I do too. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Thank you for being an Understood expert and for informing us, guiding us, and the work that we do. We really appreciate you, Kaitlin.

Kaitlin: Thank you so much for having me.

Laura: Thanks for listening today. As always, if you want to share your own "aha!" moment, email us at ADHDaha@understood.org or send a message to our voicemail inbox. You'll find a link in the show notes along with resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"ADHD Aha!" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli. Say hi, Jessamine!

Jessamine Molli: Hi, everyone!

Laura: And edited by Alyssa Shea. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright. Production support provided by Andrew Rector. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

From Understood.org, our executive producers are Scott Cocchiere and Jordan Davidson. And I'm your host, Laura Key. Thanks so much for listening.