Adult ADHD, perfectionism, and soft productivity (Fellisia Robinson’s story)

When Fellisia Robinson was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, everything started to make sense.

In this episode, she talks with Laura about what it was like to finally get answers later in life. For years, she struggled with burnout. She felt relentless pressure to achieve — like she always had to prove herself. Her diagnosis helped her understand herself in a new way and then rethink what productivity even means.

Fellisia shares what it was like growing up as a first-generation eldest daughter and navigating corporate spaces as a Black woman. She talks about perfectionism, masking, and choosing soft productivity over constant hustle. Along the way, she’s learning to slow down and give herself grace. And she’s seeing ADHD as a doorway to self-awareness and strength, not a limitation.

Fellisia is the founder of Brown Girl ADHD, which provides education and community for Black women and women of color with ADHD.

• Listen: Masking ADHD to go above and beyond (René Brooks’ story)

• Listen: Breaking the burnout cycle

• Read: ADHD and perfectionism

• Follow: Fellisia on IG and TikTok

Fellisia Robinson: A phrase that I often use is a diagnosis is a doorway. It was like a new reality for me. These things that I've called myself, like broken or not enough, those things are not necessarily true. It's just I do things differently.

And I think when you try and fit into a neurotypical society, you fall into these patterns of overcompensating or just being extremely self — critical. And those things impact your self — esteem. So it's been able to, like, give me a lot of self — compassion and understanding.

Laura Key: This is "ADHD Aha", a podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. I am here today with Fellisia Robinson. Fellisia is a mental health advocate, content strategist, and founder of "Brown Girl ADHD".

A first — gen eldest daughter and cozy entrepreneur, she creates digital tools and safe spaces to support Black and brown women navigating ADHD at the intersection of race, gender, and neurodiversity. Welcome, Fellisia!

Fellisia: Hi! It's so nice to be here.

Laura: I have to ask, what is a cozy entrepreneur?

Fellisia: It's a term that I came across maybe like two years ago. It's just like we don't believe in the hustle. We try to optimize and just be, like, efficient as for our energy. Like, the reason why a lot of people go into entrepreneurship is like they want to create a lifestyle for themselves, right? But then you fall into the hustle trap, and that is exactly what we're trying to avoid with being cozy here.

Laura: I like that. Have you fallen into the hustle trap in your life?

Fellisia: Oh, yes. It's a constant battle to find some type of balance between getting things done and knowing that it's enough and just accepting that. Because, of course, the ADHD in me wants to think it's not enough half the time and I'm just like, "Oh, I need to do more," or I feel like I need to overcompensate. So I've found balance.

Laura: The way you said "I've found balance," I'm halfway convinced that you've found that balance!

Fellisia: It's an ebb and flow. I feel like I have a tendency to operate in extremes, so I go in and out. My goal is always to, like, check my intention and get back to some level of grounding. So that's what I mean by I've found balance — it's an everyday thing. It's not something you find and you just stay on.

Laura: I want to hear about how, you know, getting diagnosed with ADHD maybe changed your perspective, but in order to get there, let's talk about growing up. What was it like growing up?

Fellisia Robinson: I'm essentially like a third culture kid. Like, I came here, I came to America when I was six. So I've had to navigate a lot of different intersections and it's been like challenging. So for me, I just always saw myself as weird. I knew I was different. I just didn't know in what capacity.

I feel like a lot of the labels that I grew up with — for example, coming from Jamaica, a predominantly Black or African culture, to America. And then like when I moved to America, I moved to Jersey. I was one of three Black girls in my class. But then the Black girls that were in my class were African American. So I just did not have a place.

04:02 Navigating identity as a "floater" and an introvert.

Fellisia: And I feel like that's been like low-key a theme throughout my whole entire life — me not having a place. I've always kind of been a floater. I very much still am. So it's been like hard to figure out how to navigate these circles because I haven't necessarily been like enmeshed in one.

So I've always just been like, "Yeah, I'm a little different. I'm just going to do my own thing," especially because like I grew up as an only child for like 12 years. I kind of just figured out how to be by myself. And a lot of my creativity was developed in that space of me and my introversion and me just being into fashion, me just being into just creating, writing, and all these different capacities.

So I feel like that's one of the positives I could say about like how ADHD impacted me growing up. It's definitely like driven my love for storytelling. I created my own world and I lived in my head for so long. Like, I just have so many thoughts, stories, narratives, and it's easy for me to get wrapped up in that, especially with the trait of being introvert as well.

Laura: There's something that sounds really magical about that, really delicious in a way, like these worlds that you can create and that you have created. Was there a piece of that that was painful?

Fellisia: Absolutely. I think growing up in the household where I was — one of the reasons why I went to therapy was just because I didn't have the quintessential childhood. So I had to also navigate that. And I think me being able to escape in my head or escape in a book was a really easy thing for me to do.

It was very natural for me to do. So I feel like my brain saved me in a lot of those situations and it protected me because like I didn't know what to do with those — those feelings or those emotions at that time.

All the years of the lack of explanation or nurturing or guidance in certain emotional, mental spaces has required me in my adulthood to solve for that. I remember being in my early 20s, I was just mad at the world. I was just like, "Why, Mom? Why did you not teach me these skills? Dad, why did you not teach me these skills?"

And in — in my now maturity, I've realized they just didn't know. And also, I also think they had ADHD, so they were really in the dark. So, yeah, like, I definitely feel like it's been a part of the benefit of like being able to lock in and just be like, "Okay, you know what? It's going to get better. I'm just going to create this in the meantime," or this is where my brain's going to go.

Laura: About what age are you talking about right now? Like, tween years, just in general?

Fellisia: Yeah. I feel like it — it just morphs. Like, for example, high school. I was never the social butterfly because — because I was just a little awkward. I didn't like small talk and I wasn't into the drama. So for me, like, yeah, art room or doing something creative would be more my speed. Or immersing myself in like Pinterest or Tumblr at the time was like definitely something —

Laura: Tumblr! Oh my god. Tumblr was fun. I loved — I loved Tumblr.

Fellisia: Oh my god. It was a time! So like just immersing myself in creating like even these different personas. Like, I feel like I remember when I used to get dressed in high school, I used to be like, "How do I feel today?" And that would dictate my outfit or the persona that I'd put on. Like, I could do grunge, I could do preppy, I could do whatever I wanted.

So I feel like it just came by way of that. That's kind of how I protected myself. And because of that, in school, they knew me for my fashion because they didn't know what I was going to wear the next day. They were just like, "This girl's so unpredictable."

It was like that was how I formed one of my first identities, I want to say, that I'm even now reforming because like I think in high school, I created like — I'm not going to say a facade — I guess a mask to some extent of like the fashionista girl. I wanted to go to FIT, I wanted to move to New York City. Like, that's how I became socially acceptable. That's how I acclimated to different circles.

08:33 Perfectionism in school and the intense pressure to perform academically.

Laura: I wonder, is it an ADHD thing to kind of like try on different personas through your clothes? I know that all kinds of people do that. I mean, I — I like — I'm like, "I'm going to be like a punk today," and I'm going to wear my Sex Pistols shirt and I never listen to any of their music. But I'm going to be a hippie today, or I'm going to be the thrift store kid today.

Fellisia: Oh, yeah. I definitely, like, feel all of that. And that was a form of expression for me because like I just didn't know how to socially and emotionally navigate these spaces. So that was like how I figured myself out or placed myself.

Laura: That's so interesting. So maybe it's potentially somewhat related to, like, trying to navigate socially and emotionally. And maybe we have trouble being part of a conversation, knowing not when to interrupt, staying focused on conversations.

Fellisia: Girl, yeah! Like building emotional connections and it can be hard when you have ADHD. I feel like a lot of what I've cultivated and the skills I've cultivated have been like coping. The reason I got good at fashion was I think I had interest, but also like I figured I was just like, "Oh, so this works. No one's going to isolate me or look at me weird or have that overthinking."

Like, I had a label. In a weird way, that was structure for me for my identity and who I was. And now that I'm in my 30s, I'm like refining that. So that has been a whole identity crisis on top of the ADHD within itself. Just like these changes that come and the different masks and what they mean and overthinking that whole identity process.

I'm just like, "Okay, so if I have this label on me, what does that mean? What does that say about me?" And then it becomes this internalized meaning and how I need to move through the world and operate. When in reality, like, you can make it whatever you want. But for us, I really do think labels — they like box us in, in good and bad ways.

Laura: How did you do in school growing up?

Fellisia: I grew up in like — Jamaicans are very academically driven. So, my family's really into school. And while I never quite excelled in like the traditional sense, I passed and I got by. But I always knew there was untapped potential. And then when I went to college, I literally got tunnel vision because I wanted to graduate with honors, which I did.

I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. And I'm proud of myself, but I think it also caused a lot of harm as well. Like, I wasn't able to really be present in other areas of my life because I was so focused academically. And I put a lot of pressure on myself because of that.

And I also think like an underlying layer I was thinking about was like this whole concept of Black Excellence. In my family, I have people that've been to Ivies and they're just — everyone has a PhD and a Master's degree, right? So operating within that guise as well was something I think played subconsciously in my head in regards to like me needing to perform, me needing to be good enough, me needing to prove to myself that I was smart.

Laura: That sounds stressful.

Fellisia: Yeah.

Laura: The inside of the ear goes to me! No, I'm just kidding.

Fellisia: Yeah, like, but and this goes back to like the component of like self — criticalness because I was so critical of myself. I remember I got a 97 on a test. I literally went to the teacher and asked her what happened to my other three points.

Laura: What did the teacher say?

Fellisia: She's just like, "It was just a few little things." And I'm just like, "I'm just trying to understand what happened here." That was the perfectionism kicking in and tying my output to worth and my value.

And that's how I identified myself, at least in those years. I was just like, "Oh, you need to get these grades to be good enough," or "You need to get these grades to be smart enough," or "Make it into this fashion company." I was doing the most. I was like working like three jobs with straight A's. I don't know how.

Laura: It's just like pure adrenaline, right? I just had a flashback to something I haven't thought about in decades. In college, I remember it was in a journalism class my senior year and I had been getting really good grades, and I got a 90 on something and I like lost my s***.

And I couldn't handle it and I went to the professor, and the look that this woman gave me of like, "Are you — you know that that's a good grade, right?" It was a moment for me. I had to compose myself.

12:10 Mental health struggles and the moment of ADHD diagnosis.

Fellisia: Yeah, no, it's just like it's a weird relationship, like how I think we evaluate self — esteem in neurodivergent community because you're just told so much when you're growing up — it needs to be this way and everything in you is like pushing against that.

So now in these spaces, like we kind of hold ourselves to these standards where like, "Okay, this is how I equate my value," like if I'm keeping up with neurotypicals. Right.

Laura: Only at that time I didn't know — did you know that you were neuro — that you weren't neurotypical at that time?

Fellisia: No!

Laura: Yeah, so we're doing all of these things without really knowing.

Fellisia: Your lens is so important. Because if you're looking at things from a neurotypical lens, of course you're going to think you're underperforming. Of course you're going to think you're not enough according to the standards.

But a big reframe that I've worked on in therapy is like the quote — "Comparison is the thief of joy." Like, you can't appreciate what you have because your baseline or your standard in which you're judging yourself is something outside of you. And what society tells you, what neurotypicals tell you, what your culture tells you, what your family structure tells you. So you're operating on a whole different standard and that just really chips away at your self — esteem a lot of the time.

Laura: When were you diagnosed with ADHD?

Fellisia: It was last year. It's been like a rollercoaster just mental health in general. I was diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety since like college. And so I started my journey that way. That was really new for me because I come from first generation, I'm the eldest daughter, and I feel like all the time I'm paving a road to figuring things out for myself and paying it back.

But it's been a time accepting that mental health one is a thing and then later in life figuring out the ADHD part last year. It was like a shocker, a relief. It was like an emotional rollercoaster figuring out this is what's been going on.

Laura: What was happening? Was it a certain symptom, a certain challenge? Was there a moment that led you to this?

Fellisia: I just kept on going through the same cycles and I just could not put my finger on it. I'm like a corporate dropout, so I was working in fashion since I got out of college, and then I just wanted a change after the pandemic.

So I started working in finance and it was a slower pace, but I was still experiencing a lot of like the challenges with, for example, masking and perfectionism and just forgetfulness and all these other things that I attributed to like a fast-paced environment. I just felt just constantly overstimulated.

I wanted to be social, but I just got burnt out. And then I think also being a Black woman in corporate America, there are so many layers and nuances to how you have to show up and how you have to operate. And I just remember like one day we were on a call and they're like, "Oh, just bring yourself to work. Just be yourself."

Laura: Bring your full self to work, right? Just like lickety-split, right? Yeah.

Fellisia: And I was just like, "Huh? Like, I'm not really sure how to interpret that. Could we put that on a chart? Could we have some type of visual to depict what that means?" Because I knew like mental health was an element of how I showed up.

And then also me being a Black woman in this space. And I think in both intersections, it could be quite challenging as to like what's authentic, what's off — topics. Like me, I'm the girl that wants to have the deep conversations, I hate small talk. So the corporate going in — person all the time was just like: How do I navigate this? How do I do a good job and expend or like measure my energy in a way that works?

And that's what I really had a hard time with is just socially acclimating back into that environment, especially after the pandemic, going through cycles of burnout where I'm just like, I get home and, let's say I went into the office on Monday, I would not recover until like Wednesday, Thursday. Emotionally, mentally.

Laura: It is exhausting. Back in the day, I would try to plan multiple things every weekend. I'm like, "No, I'm going to only one social thing per weekend is all I can handle, if that." Because I always — there's always a letdown after I come home and I'm just like: What did I say? What did I do? How did I present myself? And it's like I have to go be alone for like two hours and just tell myself that the world did not end.

Fellisia: It's the overthinking! This is the duality with like ADHD. Like, there's so many polar opposites and extremes that could be utilized for good, like we're extremely creative. But that same creativity will have you tell yourself stories that are not serving you.

So my therapist that I had in New York, she was just like, "You know, we're going through a lot of the cycles. It's been a couple years and I'm seeing a big pattern here." And she just mentioned, like, "Maybe this looks like ADHD. I'm not sure."

And from there, I moved to Georgia and I got a lot of time to reflect and space to just not be overstimulated, because New York City's overstimulating sometimes. By way of my new therapist, we went through the process of like getting diagnosed.

And the first step in that was getting me emotionally regulated, because the emotional dysregulation for ADHDers is such a big thing. You just grow up with these big emotions and it's so normal and it's just like: What do you even do with that?

So I was first on anxiety medication. And I was having a time! I was just like, "This is not ADHD. Oh, this is lovely like I feel like I could control my emotions and I could go through my day in a little bit more of a productive fashion."

But my psychiatrist at the time was just like, "Let's just still do the assessment." And I was a little hesitant because I'm just like, "Girl, I'm fine. Like, I feel so good." And then I passed the test with flying colors.

Laura: What was your reaction to that?

17:29 The inspiration behind "Brown Girl ADHD" 

Fellisia: I just got like cold chills down my body because like it was like a new reality for me for some reason. It's just like washed over me. And I was hysterically laughing because I was just like, "Oh, this is funny. The joke is not on me. Got it."

But, yeah, it was a really good moment of clarity. I cried because I just think there's just so much pressure that came off of me with that confirmation and like being able to put a name to a face, for sure.

I'm like looking back at my life and I'm just like, "Okay, girl, so this why you can never get nowhere on time? Okay, this is why you leave things all over the place? This is why you're mentally exhausted? This is why you overthink?" These things that I've called myself, like broken or not enough, those things are not necessarily true. It's just I do things differently.

A phrase that I often use is a diagnosis is a doorway. And I think when you don't know, there's limited ways forward.

Laura: That's really beautiful. I've never heard that depicted that way. Can I use that?

Fellisia: You could steal it, girl! I don't even — like I think I read it on Pinterest somewhere, so it's not my original quote.

Laura: So let's talk about your work and why you do what you do. What is "Brown Girl ADHD"?

Fellisia: I just originally started off like with the whole productivity thing because at the time I was working corporate and I was really struggling to balance all the components of my life. And I was just like, "I just want something to help me figure this out."

So I did what I do. I hyperfixated, did some research on things that work for ADHD, such as like gamification, such as visual trackers. Like, I remember thinking to myself the reason I think I like school sometimes was because of all the posters.

You could see how far along in the year you were, you could see in the scale of A to Z where in the alphabet you were. You're able to identify and locate things. So I created a planner that's called the "Soft Productivity Planner" because I wanted to take a softer approach to it.

Because I think productivity is typically very rigid and you need to stick to this formula and it's a very neurotypically coded thing. So I just wanted to like think about all my problems and create solutions to them.

So that's how "Brown Girl ADHD" was born. I started talking about just my journey and the systems that I have on TikTok. And I found a lot of other Black women that identified with like the — the lack of like structure and the things that they needed.

And when you're into self-help or self-improvement, there's really nothing from a neurodivergent standpoint to bridge the gap in regards to like concept to execution. So that's kind of where I wanted to step in and like not only create the tool, but have conversations about what this look like for somebody that looks like me.

Because like when you think about the stereotypes, like it doesn't look polished, it doesn't look a certain type of way. And because of how I present, I like know like sometimes I'll skip over that. But I wanted to talk about the fact that it can look like this and I could just be mentally a hot mess up here because I'm overthinking or I'm dealing with all or nothing or I'm dealing with perfectionism, etc., right?

Laura: Congratulations. And I love the cozy entrepreneur, soft productivity planner. I love these adjectives!

Fellisia: We're all about the feelings and I think because we like go from zero to 100 like it's our job, I think it's about learning how to go zero to 25 and being okay with that and finding support that accompanies us with that.

Laura: I'm so glad that you came on today. Sharing your story is so important. So thank you for sharing it with the "ADHD Aha" audience. And it's just been really great to connect with you, Fellisia.

Fellisia: I know! This has been wonderful. I love having a good chat about, you know, all that is our ADHD minds.

20:01 Outro

Laura: Thanks for listening today. As always, if you want to share your own aha moment, email us at ADHDaha@understood.org or send a message to our voicemail inbox. You'll find a link in the show notes along with resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"ADHD Aha" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli. Say hi, Jessamine!

Jessamine Molli: Hi everyone!

Laura: And edited by Alyssa Shea. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright. Production support provided by Andrew Rechter. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

From Understood.org, our executive producers are Scott Cocchiere and Jordan Davidson. And I'm your host, Laura Key. Thanks so much for listening.